Monday, June 27, 2005

and she dreams again...

-tears and a quiet emptiness-

This feeling came to me again last night, as I stepped back home. Harri had Simon over, but she's ben cold to me since last night. i don't know what i did wrong. Her responses have been not-her-at-all. Or is it just me? It was made worse by the computer going mad on me again, and being unable to tok on msn with korkor and choir friends.

I miss kor..and his blog entries continue to make me cry instantly like a running tap. Im very worried for him. He's getting headaches and halucinations. I shouldn't have asked him to get stuff for me when I meet him this Thursday, but he pretended to take it well over sms. i miss him.........i miss him playing piano, and showing me things even though i'm not interested. i miss my comp.

Things got worse last nite, as i went online for a min(before getting cut off from the comp) and seeing the "Biggest _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ distraction" online. I hate how I feel...even though i keep wishing them best. i'm olrite when Im with her...happy for her even..but when I tok to him, or am near him...it gets to me all over again. We promised to remain buddies, good friends..but I find it so hard on my part, like keeping distant would be good, yet not.It's all terribly complicated. But all's good. They are going out this weekend..so..yeah

I have been worried about the jobs and the interviews. broadcast officer job interview is tmr at 4pm. Can i grab it? The adecco guy called me again, and the job is tough. Very technical and I'm not sure if I can do it. I think ryan senses my worries as well. Going down to E-Fusion tmr as well, for the interview., probably in the morning.

I woke up this morning, ate, read papers, (wow alot has been going on in the news since last week) and played some piano.Did soime laundry, are some tou hui and Harri didnt say much, in fact, she didnt realli bother what i was doing, and went out. I went down to the atm and my cheque finally processed! :P yay~! haha, now can pay some debts off. Called rene up and he called back. yakked since both of us were so bored. i have so many things to do, but I feel kinda lost coz im at home and not working.

1. return tuition centre an assesment book.
2. meet linus this week to get my blades back.
3. go for the four interviews and cross my fingers while at it.
4. cantor meeting and meet kor this thurs.
5. buy ear piece, batteries and bus guide.
6. practise for demo recording.
7. Go to brighton's usic shop.
8.Ppay off debts.

but today, feel lost, and dont know where to go...didnt even feel liek going out actually...but yet, also felt like..anyway, heading out now la...so late le...kor..miss you...

dear has been most wonderful and supportive...i had so much fun helping his mum cook yesterday. He's the best child of the four..always helping his mum and dad do things, cook and everything...and he'll always end up getting blamed for stuff...kinda reminded me of kor...i respect the way he deals with them..much better than how i did...he's in tekong now..and cant come out....till sat....but heard tht today he mite be able to bk out.yay.:) love him bunches...hes too good to me...;p

gtg now...late late...someone remind me next week's practise is at 330?? yea....

Saturday, June 25, 2005

and she dreams again...

-Better-

Hey all!! :) After a much depressing previous entry, I'm back, feeling better. :p I have adjusted to Harri's and now don't feel so weird calling it home. :0) Although, I always refer to my first home as HOME or my old place. haha. It's quite weird when I try to refer to HOME and home...still tend to confuse people. Weiyi came out with a good term for it--home1, home2 and home3. KEKEKE. :P Before I continue typing about stuff at home, Weiyi and Stef seem to be progressing well. There was much problem and chaos that i caused them, though they insist that it isn't the case. Nonetheless, Weiiyii, stefffiee..I'm beri sorriz. It's so sweet seeing the two of you getting together, soon, hopefully. Weiyi, sorri, please give me some time, yea? :0) Thanks for our solid rock friendship. Thanks for all the understanding. I greatly appreicate it.

Now, to continue!! Room is fine with me now. Bed is fine too! I've gotten used to sleeping on the floor. Uncle Mark is a genius with the computer! It had the same prob as my old comp back HOME, but he fixed it!!!! Gawd, he's a genius! kwakwakwa.LOL.
I'm used to the bath now, and thank gooodness for all the ironing and washing clothes myself back HOME, coz I do it here too, and i'm fine with it! The iron is much smaller but it's the same brand as mum's so I'm used to it. :) Hmms what else...Sorri if I got some of you worried especially korkor *dui bu qi worrz* I'm realli ok here. I have realised some niftty stuff!

(1) Hand wash can actually be thrown in the machine to wash! I just need to soak, squeeze, and all the hand wash can go into the machine together in a seperate wash from the non-hand wash stuff! YEAH MAN! save me time and effort!

(2) Without a dryer, the wind in marine parade still does wonders!!

(3) Ironing with a small iron, is actually much easier!!!!

Yeaps, that's for my daily living bit of this entry!

Now, I've just completed work with the tuition centre. I'd like to say thank you to ms ye even though she doesn't read this--or so, I hope (that she's not as smart as unlce mark?) haaha. Wadever!! Purposely accidentally,rite weiyi? Hahaa. She actually treated me very, very well. I was like ALWAYS late for work, and she just swallowed it all in. She bought me lunch almost everyday for the last three weeks, coz we couldn't head out for lunch. Even though she spoke to me ALOT about her guys, and romance, relationships, i realised she actually has a very mature outlook to relationships. It certainly gave me some insight. =] Now, Joyce, don't puke, babe! =-)

My pay!(The cheque) is in the process of going into my bank soon! HWEEEEEEEEEEEE! Patience, an empty pocket, a wonderul dear, rene, harri, and an understanding brother has seen me through my MANY months of "broke-ness". kakaka. Once it's in, time to pay off some debts!! Thanks guys..*hugg*

Heard from joyce recently. She'd going pretty alright there in tassie. I'm actually more worried about Daryl than her. God take care of us all. I'm still worried for korkor. Hope he's ok. Choir peeps, those who know, have been ever so supprotive. Love u all. Kor, maybe you can taggie sometime here you knows?:P Yeah yeah.

Hope Harri and Auntie Constance can get well soon. They are pretti sick wor :(

MM, I didn't go for the interview this morning. Realised last night that no matter how desperately in need of a job I may be, my rest is seriously more important at this moment. ADECCO* (Correct spelling now dearies..sorriz*) has quite a few jobs they have 'sent" me in for. Interviews next week, so i shall wait. I'm preparing myself for a rather tough, but very well paying job. God shall bless me if i get it. So, anyway, i had a good sleep last night and HENCE why I feel much more rejuvinated tis day . Heh.

I promised ms ye I'd finish some stuff for her, so, off I go now to do stuff. TATA.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

and she dreams again...

-Alot-

So much has happened since I lasr posted here. I'm living with Harri now, and I shifted a day after I wrote the previosu entry. It's been very hard on Nick and I, especially the first few days. Now, I don't cry anymore, but every time I reach home, It's completely different. I realised it had become such a habit, to throw my shoes a certain corner, turn a certain direction, put things down and take off my accesories and all on a certain table, stretching my hand out a certain length. it had become such a pattern, I could do it blind folded. Now, I feel quite lost when I get back. i'm not too sure what to do next. I put my bag down, look around, unsure what I should do next, and where to proceed. It's been like this the last few days when i get home. the shower is completely different.

However, I try to "shake off" these feelings, and tell myself, I'm still adjusting and have to be strong. It's been sweet though, haveing Harri around, making plans together, going home together, playing scrabble together. But, it's not the same. I don't go home to the sound of music Nick plays anymore.I don't step in and get hugged by Nick or disturbed by him. I don't have a toilet to walk through to the next room anymore.

I make my own breakfast which mum or nick used to do for me, or at least i didn't have to do everyday. I miss the cupboards full of snacks and food that I could rummage through any time of the night. I miss the huge fridge. I realised I forgot to take my fridge magnets along.There are still a few things like my *fork", my radio, and some stuff that I want from my room...like the glow in the dark stars that are now stuck to my ceiling But, I cant bear to ask Nikc to go in and take them for me. It will hurt him too much. It's already been so unfair to him.

Kor, I love you. i'm sorry to have put you through so much. You should have never had asked for a 'dog" when you were five years old. it has just been unfair to you. Partially me to blame, but also we're so different. I still love you nonetheless.

I used to decorate my room periodically, and always have something new on my walls and all. It was really MY ROOM and I gues it will always be. I loved it very much coz it was my personal touch to the room. I knew that one day, when i left the house, it will be so difficult to forget my room. And, it has been such. I miss my room very much. This new room I have, though nicely arranged, isn't my room totally. Yet, I know it has become almost, and I have to adapt faster than i am now.

Weiyi, Faith, Meliza, you guys have been very supportive. thank you. Dear dear, renren, Harri, without the three of you, i will crumple and collapse completely. Kor...I always need you with me. Thank you, for not loving me any lesser.

I've been busy finidng jobs. i'm heading down to addeco later for an interview for three jobs. I migth be able to get one. Weiyi and his cousin Yvonne have also helped me to get an interview at her company this saturday morning. I pray at the end of the day, i choose the right one.

I'm worried about being punctual. it's been terrible. I Just don't wake up. I really have a waking problem. It's a chore, and once I wake, i go through the horrid unwanted routine of clearing very sticky phelgm out of my throat and nose. Dear and Rene are both very worried, coz my health is only getting worse. I need to save up to buy a laptop. I am in need of quite a few gadgets soon. But I'll be strong. I'll get through no matter what.

It fucking hurt at first. Now it just aches. That's good isn't it.

Friday, June 17, 2005

and she dreams again...

This is the day that the lord has made. We should rejoice and be glad.

Good morning World. In recent days, Vicki has been coming to me...or is it just me? Haha. No, seriously...everywhere I go, that stupid song starts playing. STARTS, you know. Not even in the middle or end. Imagine, I DONT want to hear it, but I'm in a shop, shopping or buying groceries...DAMN. Vic, I miss you babe.

Anyway, today is the day, gonna go home, pack up..and thts it. To my new habitat. good lukc mel.

gd day folks.



it fucking hurts.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

and she dreams again...

Tears cover my eyes every couple of mins at work...

soon, i'll be without my family..i'll be living alone.

with nothing much at all.

i realli shld just disappear.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

and she dreams again...

It's another MC day, except that i refuse to go to the doctor and get it. Not worth 20+ bucks, don't you agree? No, I'm not exactly sick. Okay, well, my flu is still here and all, chocking on green coloured phelgm every second of the day. But, i was awfully tired today when i woke up. Plus, i didn't have the money to take a cab down again. Each time it makes the hole in my pocket bigger than it already is. My pcoket hole is so big, it's 1 percent left to not having a pocket.

God has very strange ways of doing things...I don't understand.

Ouch.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

and she dreams again...

Renren's Dinner

I personally enjoyed the sausage and beef very much!!! :)

Thank you rene. It was good company, good food, good music, and good money spent !! : ) HEE.

Thanks so much for the effort.
and she dreams again...

Days.

Days have been either too fine or too wrecked. I feel weak, trying to overcome the really low days. It's togh. Feels like you're all alone in the world sometimes. Just wana hide away .

Accompany me till the day I die.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

and she dreams again...

A Great Day!!!

A great day it shall be. : )

I was locked outta my house last night, so zi went back to ren's to stay.Ii continued marking my students'c compostitions. Got too weary and decided to head to bed for some much needed rest. It was a good few hours of sleep.

In the morning, Auntie gave us both a lift to work and driving. I had a sit down breakfast at his place, which I haven't had in the longest time. I was early for work as well. It made the start of the work day great, and Ms Ye was pleased. I managed to chat with my stduents before class as well. I was very happy.

However, I must spolofise and thank Ren for the inconvenience and the few hours of lost sleep he had due to my sleepover. It was nice catching up no matter, and thank God I had a place nearby to crash. I hope I didn't get dear too worried. Ren went through his cook book and decided on the dishes for tomorrow's dinner.Ii can't say what though! No just yet! : ) Thankx Ren for the endless help .... glad things are better for you now as well.

Today is also an awesome day beause *drumrolls* DEAR IS COMING HOME!!!!!!!!!! =)
AHA! and ALL of us are gonna celebrate with him over the next few days! YAY!

Okies, before the work of the great day starts piling..I gotta get down to it now!

MORNING WORLD!

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

and she dreams again...

Endure the weary eyes, and see the joy!

My work has been quite tiring, especially on my eyes, due to much marking. But I must say it is a good feeling to teach. i have been caoching quite a number of the students on a one to one basis, and i really wish to guide them slowly and see them improve.

I applied to another tuition agency online. It's quite a cool looking website, and they are professional. I hope to get assignments. I also emailed my church kindergarden. So, three applications out. Some others had no repluy. So, we see how it goes yeaaaaaa? :P

Now at rene's...gonna mark my papers soon after dinner. Ciao now!

Monday, June 06, 2005

and she dreams again...

Which bus? (re-edited due to typos again!!!!)

The day started with me feeling pretty alright! But, as the day went by, I got worn out by work, which is inevitable. Quan2 Ken3 is really a funny kid. He is hard working even so, which makes me proud of him. He said he's joining the semestral class. I dont know if I'll be working there still. He will be the first kid I'd miss there. Young, nonchalant of the seriousness of this world, and just playful. That isn't wrong of a child, to want to be playful. Then, I'd miss Le4 Jing4. She';s sweet, albeit a little smart, which I've come to realise sometimes makes the boys a little pissed. I suspect they think she's proud. I hope the sitaution doesn't get too outta hand. I can tell the animosity between her and the boys in class ain't too good at all. I will prob miss Li4 Xian2 as well. She's really hard working, and again, tends to show a little favouring of the teacher. I've noticed. It's not wrong, t take a liking to the teacher, and I greatly appreciate it. But, I have to be careful too. I would love to get through to the kids like Ebenzer, Alistair, coz they need help, but just are too playful for now. David, the china boy,Ai4 lao shi's son, is another who greatly needs some guidance. I try my best to teach. Some of the kids have just joined the classes. I've got a lot of make up classes for them.

But who else needs guidance? Sometimes, i feel I need it even more. I waited impatiently for the bus to come earlier. Why wasn't my bus coming? I thought. And as I allowed my weary mind to drift, I realised there were alot of working people who were also taking bus home, prob like me, to save money. there are quite a great number of people who take bus compared to the mrt. And yet, both modes of transport is always so crowded.

I took bus 197, because it was the first to come. Remind me to take 12 next time. The journey was crazy. i hate the crowded buses. I hate it more than the crowded mrts. I managed to get a seat in the end, but my patience wore out as the journey continued. The last time I took such a long bus ride, was from dover to dear's place. That bus journey was an agaonising two hours. That was incredible. I never did it again.

I think I shall pen off here for now. I'm feeling terribly hungry. Now, if only I could even afford a freaking set of cd player batteries. Dear, I need you. i feel so weak without my friends and your support. Am I that happy? no...not when I have come to realise things will not get very much better for me at the present moment. I can only pray and hope.

Lyrie Kyrie Le e ison.
and she dreams again...

At work. (re-edited post due to typos!!)

Nothing much going on. I was a little busy this morning. had alot of "kan cheong" parents to attend to. I also had to take care of the kids in the classes, and mark alot of papers today. Now I'm marking compositions. haha. I wonder, seriously if I'm good enough to mark their compos. I may be better than them, But I dont think Im the best paerson to mark them. Anyhows, i still try my best.

I feel kinda empy now. It's just a silly feeling, coz i'm in the office now! : ) , so I tend to miss dear and the little "circle" of ours, and my choir friends. Hahaha. it'll wear off after Im off work!. Can't wait to get home and chill, or maybe even go take a swim!! : )

I haven't watched a film in the cinemas in ages. The pricing is just too much now. I'm real low on cash again, so trying my best to keep my spending as little as possible.

GOOD NEWS! (oh, what, what??!) haha...I woke up early and made it to work on time today!

Oh man, one and a half hours more to knok off! There's a new guy at work today. He's from NUS...grr..got such a shock when I arrived and saw him sitting in my seat man. *sweatdrop*.
I seriously wonder what God has in store for me, job wise. Will I be jobless? Stuck with tuition centre and cartel ? Or will i get something that will overwhlem me so much i won't be able to take it? or will I get something peaceful and enjoyable? :) I wonder...

I hope Rene's feeling better today. It's very saddening to see him like this recently. Maybe Dear can talk to him after dear passes out on wed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! : o) yay yay yay. kekeke.

Hmms. My family and I went to Godma's for dinner last night. She cooked a delicious spread. But, to me, what was more "delicious" was her newly renovated house. It's gorgeous. It's very pretty now. All the bedrooms were renovated, and the kitchen as well. It looks expensive, and oh boy was it expensive to renovate. it's so woody, so jap, so cosy, and really well done. The interior designer was fantastic. Kudos to him.

Alright, siad enough for an afternoon, shall see you all soon. ciao.

out.

Friday, June 03, 2005

and she dreams again...

Lol. Hahahah.

Today, though I struggled towork, I was happy after I got to work! Coz I can finally remember the names of all the kids in my Pri 4 class!! :) And, Ms Ye allowed me to teach part of the class!! For that, I am and was happy.

There was a fight in the morning (Pri 6) class, and that got two students into very hot soup with Ms Ye. Hmmm, these kids.

Lunch time, I didnt know what else to eat, so I found myself heading down to the macdonalds again and eating a double cheese burger. That was all I had for lunch coz yesterday's dinner really blew a hole in my pockect. But the burger was favourable to my tastae buds nonetheless. ;p

Now, i'm waiting for the Pri 6 class to end, so that i can clean up the class and get ready for my not so adorable Pri 5 class. Haha, evil, I am.

Right, I've gottta go now. Shall write more when I'm home, maybe. I wonder how Renren's cooking will go tonight. Ah, and yes, harri lost her antique handphone, that poor girl! (hurhur). It was just waiting to happen so that she can buy a new phone, now am I right my sister? :)

---------------------

yay! I just got back from teaching the Pri 5 class! Wow, this class has like all boys, and only two girls. The numbers in the class are smaller than my Pri 4 class, but so much noisier,and harder to manage. *pant*. *haha*.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

and she dreams again...

Realli breaking.

Im realli breaking. There's too much I'm carrying inside of me. I need to let it all out.

More friends are getting stable jobs. More friends are able to afford what i can't. nvm that.

My friends have problems I cant help them with, and I dont know wad its about. They're beginning to act weird, at least verbally. I'm afraid to even say anything...coz..i respect the fact that they dont want me to know and burdne me..but it hurts so much.

Dear is making me cry...i'd already forgotten abt it all...its hurting more and more...its...all coming out.

Today I taught part of the p4, p5, and p6 class. Some of them are lovely. Some of them are absolutely rude and notti. But they are kids after all. Look at them, the more you scold, the more they dont care. Where were those days of ours? The world is cold and cruel. Trying to make sense of this madness, and right now, as I type, only God is willing to listen to me.

I think my depression is kicking in again....I cant take it anymore. Tears are weeling up...whats wrong with me...whats wrong with everyone ard me. My choir friend carol, is feeling very frustrated abt matters at ahnd as well. And she just puts a "WHY" on her msn. SAnd sher reply to me is "everything".

I think its a season, to be UPSET?...maybe i guess. God have mery on us, your children.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

and she dreams again..

The Reality of things.

Reality has been getting to me recently. School is out. On one hand, I was terribly happy. No more tests, no more projects to sloth over when I get home, no more squabbles and disagreements among group members. No more travelling from east to west. I was so happy. But. now where to? WORK. The work force. WHY? Coz i had no idea what course I wanted to take in university. i didn't wana waste my folks's money. Or isit? That was one of the reasons. I wanted to earn my own money. I got sick of having so little and really not being able to get myself the stuff I wanted. I also wanted to become financially independent, so they will stop saying I'm spending their money even , besides living under their roof. But it started off with my f&b job. Par ttime, I worked a few days a week. It was ok at first, quite happy. But then, i started to feel worn out by the physical demands of the job. This waas different from my previous one. This was harder. People in this job...very fake. I started to be late every other time. What the hell is wrong with me. This job i aint earning enough. I know it, coz i have to support myself now. So, I took up another job part time, the tuition job. Not bad, in a week, i got a nice sum for two days of work. but tht used up fast every week. That was still not earning enough together with the f&b job. I realised it was time I needed a full time, proper job.

The tuition centre needed me right now for a month. I took it up, to gain experience, to learn, to see if I really wantd to do this--teach. Ive always wanted to try since a young age, influcned and inspired by my loving teachers who gave me the encouragement and willpower to do well. Only now, i realised how tough it is to be a teacher. I can never be early for work. ive only achieved this twice at most. They start the holiday classes here at 9am. Then it struck me that in poly, I too, have classes at 9am. The poor teachers get to school before that as well. it's work for them. it's absolutely sixna class for us. What did we used to complain about? I bet the teachers hated it just as much. I'm quite pissed with myself. Where's the energy I used to have back in poly? I could juggle work and studies, still scoring averagely like I always did. No difference. I used to be punctual for attachement everyday. if I remember correctly, i woke up myself. That was at novena, mind you. FAR away.
I donne wads happening to me.Donnoe wad course i wana pursue, dunnoe wad job i really wan. This complain too strain, tht complain too early..then saay not sure ...I need a holiday. I need a break. Im breaking down, and my friends who are close to me, are also going through tough times.

Rene for one, has been going through some stuf he doresnt wish to talk about. harri is badly in need of her big break. Joyce is leaving for aussie soon. She's very ill too, im very worried. Dear is having a hard time in army.... im breaking.