and she dreams again...
Specialist is running very smoothly. Little humps to clear every once in a while, and the oil is still fresh. Quite tired, though. i'm beginning to suffer from fatigue. Aniwae, it's just be beautiful to get this film out. That'll be my aim, and actually, to make it one of the best films. But, work first.
..I've been feeling a little...no, rather "lost" these few days, of coz not when i'm doing my work. I put all this aside. Have to be plofessional mahz./.wahahaha. Ok, stop the lame jokes. I don't know, it's beginning to cut deeper and deeper in me, and it's hurting real bad. i'm thinking too much, but it's hard to hide facts when you know they're just underneath the surface, it's just not being dug out, coz neither party wants to. I hate it, that i find it terribly hard, and in fact, can no longer treat him as a normal friend, the way i can treat jared. The concerns, the expectations and the disappointments, when they happen, are now on entirely different grounds and levels. I hate this. I can't take this pain no longer. How stupid, though, that this pain cannot be compared to that of one losing another loved one, or seeing a loved one suffer. I know how that feels. Yet, the pain in me right now, and the last few days is just getting worse. i can't face him, and act normal, and not remember that he's very silently, and effectively said "no" without even saying anything at all. I've on many different occasions decided not to heed the signals, while he passed them by as well. Many times we tried to behave as normal friends, but coz of my selfish sickening and dispicable love for him, I ended myself up in situatins where we both didnt know better how to handle each other. I really have to let go now, Ive realised. Tried and failed attempting this thousand times before, but now, the actions have to start . It hurts so bad, coz i can only just stand there, and watch him, just stand there, and keep all the maraton thoughts that are running thru my head, to myself. What haf i done. He leaves me hanging, in many ambiguous situations, but i also see and can longer deny that they were also all pointing in the way i didnt want them to.
WHY. i can either wait like a fool, and hope that one day, he'll be touched, or know my head on the wall more often and know that he just doesnt want any other crap anymore. I dont want to lose this. I can't. I used to say, he's the one, but now i tell you solemnly, he may not be. But my heart cant take anymore. I'm really very cracked up inside and haf space for onli one person to continue laying these self damaging games.
his post is long, but pls, let me rant, i cant keep it to myself.
Laura Fygi: "Tell me how am i suppose to live without you, when i've been loving you so long, How am i suppose to live without you, when all that ive been living for is gone."
of coz...Im so happi God an family I still haf , to cling onto.
Today, at Mon's house, we made posters for the games we're organisning for the retreat. Mon's bro arranged a matchmaker for himself. Gosh. We're heading back to the 1930's, 40's...we ended up late for choir. I think i needed it anyway. Whenh you're trying to ignore someone at the very best, i dont know if it becomes obvious to the other person, but to me, it was as gd as not ignoring, but rather taking extra care to look out, so as to avoid. Which, is worse? I donnoe .
If I could take the feeling away, i would, and erase all ive done...I need the lord's strangth for work, for school, and I need the lord's guidance...and hand to guide me thru these things that are bigger than myself. Coz I know no matter what happens, it's still God's plans...I'm sorry Lord...for going thru it this way.
Kirie, kirie, e le i son
Specialist is running very smoothly. Little humps to clear every once in a while, and the oil is still fresh. Quite tired, though. i'm beginning to suffer from fatigue. Aniwae, it's just be beautiful to get this film out. That'll be my aim, and actually, to make it one of the best films. But, work first.
..I've been feeling a little...no, rather "lost" these few days, of coz not when i'm doing my work. I put all this aside. Have to be plofessional mahz./.wahahaha. Ok, stop the lame jokes. I don't know, it's beginning to cut deeper and deeper in me, and it's hurting real bad. i'm thinking too much, but it's hard to hide facts when you know they're just underneath the surface, it's just not being dug out, coz neither party wants to. I hate it, that i find it terribly hard, and in fact, can no longer treat him as a normal friend, the way i can treat jared. The concerns, the expectations and the disappointments, when they happen, are now on entirely different grounds and levels. I hate this. I can't take this pain no longer. How stupid, though, that this pain cannot be compared to that of one losing another loved one, or seeing a loved one suffer. I know how that feels. Yet, the pain in me right now, and the last few days is just getting worse. i can't face him, and act normal, and not remember that he's very silently, and effectively said "no" without even saying anything at all. I've on many different occasions decided not to heed the signals, while he passed them by as well. Many times we tried to behave as normal friends, but coz of my selfish sickening and dispicable love for him, I ended myself up in situatins where we both didnt know better how to handle each other. I really have to let go now, Ive realised. Tried and failed attempting this thousand times before, but now, the actions have to start . It hurts so bad, coz i can only just stand there, and watch him, just stand there, and keep all the maraton thoughts that are running thru my head, to myself. What haf i done. He leaves me hanging, in many ambiguous situations, but i also see and can longer deny that they were also all pointing in the way i didnt want them to.
WHY. i can either wait like a fool, and hope that one day, he'll be touched, or know my head on the wall more often and know that he just doesnt want any other crap anymore. I dont want to lose this. I can't. I used to say, he's the one, but now i tell you solemnly, he may not be. But my heart cant take anymore. I'm really very cracked up inside and haf space for onli one person to continue laying these self damaging games.
his post is long, but pls, let me rant, i cant keep it to myself.
Laura Fygi: "Tell me how am i suppose to live without you, when i've been loving you so long, How am i suppose to live without you, when all that ive been living for is gone."
of coz...Im so happi God an family I still haf , to cling onto.
Today, at Mon's house, we made posters for the games we're organisning for the retreat. Mon's bro arranged a matchmaker for himself. Gosh. We're heading back to the 1930's, 40's...we ended up late for choir. I think i needed it anyway. Whenh you're trying to ignore someone at the very best, i dont know if it becomes obvious to the other person, but to me, it was as gd as not ignoring, but rather taking extra care to look out, so as to avoid. Which, is worse? I donnoe .
If I could take the feeling away, i would, and erase all ive done...I need the lord's strangth for work, for school, and I need the lord's guidance...and hand to guide me thru these things that are bigger than myself. Coz I know no matter what happens, it's still God's plans...I'm sorry Lord...for going thru it this way.
Kirie, kirie, e le i son
posted by melissa at 8/30/2004 05:30:00 AM
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