im at home. some strange things have happened. they locked my doors. but i kinda know how to get myself in. how silly.
but what's weirder, is that the main door lock is now suddenlt spoilt..??! and I don't know whether that's on purpose or not.
I broke down at the bus stop, couldn't muster the courage to come home. Many things charles sadi ran thru my head, and I tried so hard, to brush off any fear, but there's still alot of apprehension in me. I cried, till 950pm, while in the phone with christine..and wuickly got myself home. Now I'm awaiting the "conference" again. I really hate these things.
I know the trouble won't end, and each time it gets worse, though I know the only way out, I don't want to do it. I'm just so had enough off it. I think If i really had the means, I would really stay on my own.
-deep breath-
but i;m back now. I don't know when we're gonna talk. I don't want to disappoint jw or charles or harri, because I should still try to get this down . At least If I fail, I have tried my best. I do not know what's gonna be the outcome. But I roughly guess the verdict won't be plesant, or to my liking quite surely.
I'm feeling very anxious. It's not a nice feeling at all. I try to be strong, and deal with these feelings, because he taught me to, but it's really eating me.

Me wonders how the Damien Rice Concert is going...really really wish I am there right now--Can't start to tell you how much I regretted saying no to buying tix for it. I should have just spent that $68. Just such a waste. I've missed too many good acts already. Yeah, You know it already--Corrinne May, Rivermaya, The Observatory, and now Damo--BUT i WHINE. That aside. It's getting real boring at home. I just watched "CLEAN" starring Maggie Cheung. The movie was too close to home for me. I hope I never see myself end up that way. I'm still wondering what's gonna happen tonight. I feel like going out, and just disappeating for the night. Don't know who to call. Everyone's busy. I should have just gone to malacca with Harri and Simon. But I don't wana miss out on Charles' last blujazz gig nights--esp knowing I won't get to hear him in a while from now. Hope Charles is feeling ok as the time nears. I think what he said is true. So much has happened to us in the last few months. He's also caught Hiromi, The Obs and Damo today. : ) I'm happy for him. He's a good boy. He deserves it. Well-I seem to be wasting my days away for now, haha. Can't get downt o learning things, czuase my flu isn't fully gone yet. I seem to always be waiting for dear to come home. haha. Think He sna dCharles are gonna go guitar shop shopping again tmr. Maybe I should go catch V for Vendetta myself. I'll see how. Hmms. Oh wells. Yeah.

I couldn't sleep last night. Laid awake, thinking of many things. All that Charles had shared with me, were running through my head constantly.
While I took my shower earlier, all these thoughts ran through my head again, along with the things that have been worrying me. It was as if I was writing my journal entry in my head, and speaking it to myself as i thought of it. I had to write it all down, to get it out of my system.
Yesterday's nterview went very well. This time, perhaps, I was too honest. I was too transparent with exactly what I thought and felt. So, instead of trying to sound like they would die without me, I was trying to ask for something they felt most suitable for me. They were nice and certainly appreciated my honesty, but because of that, they felt they didn't have anything for me yet. I realise I had put on hold an opportunity that could have become mine soon. However, I think I;m glad I did so, because I am certainly not ready. I am torn between wanting a job that requires irregular hours, and stand by 24 hrs, with so much fascinating things to learn, and wanting my weekends, to serve God and to keep my familiar routine. I told them working 6 days are fine, but I try to avoid sundays as much as I can, because I am too attached to my commitment in choir. I feel guilt to no end, when I miss practices and mass. I've tried before, working on a sunday, and my mind was definitely not at work. But I question myself now. Why have I been experiencing recent reluctancy to go to choir? One of the reasons was because I was sick-and it urked me much that I couldnt not sing-hence, the thought of even trying to pretend I could, made me decide to be elsewhere for those few weeks. But is that really the truth? Or am I losing my vigour to serve? This coming weekend, we have another yearly recruitment drive. The past few years, my hand would be the first to go up, to help. The enthusiasm to want to be actively involved which was once there, has now, died off. I fell sick during the last three preparation weeks-an excuse I found timely. I am afraid. I am losing my active spirit to serve. I still love my choir definitely. Then why have I become a sunday catholic again? I have stopped serving the cantor ministry since the start of the year, because weekday night meetings did not go well with my schedules, and I was afraid of becoming further tired out. And also because of the new ruling that I can't serve two ministries at the same mass. But is that really the crunch? I can't seem to bring myself back to joining them.Why, I do not know. I want to, but there is something holding me back. A reluctancy. I feel ashamed of myself. Now sunday is the last thing I want to forego. I am desperate to find back my furvour. If I were to take on a job I like, that requires most sundays, I think I would stop going to church altogether. I'm not sure. I might hate myself even more. But is that my real reason too? Or do I just want my sats as well?--Because I can never stand it when others are having fun and I'm working. How childish isn't it.
But no. I think subconciosuly, I have also always put my sats aside for him. Since we started out when I was still in school, I always tried to make my time free for him-to an extent I think has become my habit. Other than him and his friends, which thankfully includes Harriet, I have found it difficult, to make time for anyone else I used to spend time with. He had quickly, and surely, became my entire world. Maybe that's why I'm so afraid to lose him now. Maybe that's why i feel so lost when he's at work. There's suddenly no one. But-strangely, most recently, I've been really insecure abt him and I again. I am certain we are strong. But so why am I feeling this insecuirty? Are we fading off despite our love for each other? I don't know. Early in our relationship, I knew his weekends were very precious, and he always wanted it for us. So perhaps, it is one of the reaons I started and since then , have always made my weekends free for him. Even singing class i used to attaend, I stopped, for him, because I had to work only sat mornings, in order to have the rest of the day for him. I have never gone back to that singing class since, despite my efforts to. I don't understand why I have done all this to myself. It is and has become me losing myself bit by bit. Losing my interests, my identity. I am always so easily influenced. I sway with the "winds" all the time. Most of the time, I think, in terms of company. I become a different person each time I know new people. Of course, if I become a better person, then it's good. But more than often, i become whoever, because I realise Z don't really have an identity anymore. Where the me in me? .
So I was happy the interview went well. But I know I won't be getting their call any t8ime soon.
Alongside that, I wonder Aif I should be home tonight, or stay out. I am very unwilling to face another showdown with dad, and the rest of the family. I hate ugly scenarios, more so now, with the past experiences, but will he lock me out from today onwards, If I stay out tonight? If I stay home, and try to sleep early, I know he'll wake me up and want to "TALK".
I started thinking back on the times I worked part- time, and realised that even when I did, I'd always plan my work schedule according to how free I was, and not putting work as a priority. Very contradictory to what I told the lady yesterday. Czause off the top of my head, I know, that it should be, that work, must and should always take priority in a person's life. I told her that if I was given work that required my leisure time, I'd do it, but I TRY to avoid it.--who am I kidding? I remember when I was with Cartel, if I had weekday nights that had church meetings, I'd not work. My sundays were never touched, and I worked sat mornings, only to please them, because it's a food outlet. It's hard to find somewhere that doesn't need you on the weekdns. The service industry is like this, and I'm very clear about that.
So, do I settle for office jobs? I asked the lady yesterday, if she had any available, and unfortunately, she didn't. I struggle between wanting something more regular, -so that I can continue to fulfil my church duties, and continue to keep my familiar routine all this while, having night time for possible events/gigs/meetings/him, -and a job that def. does not aloow that;EVEN as part-time.
What had I decided while I was in the midst of quitting the teaching service? I told myself, I'd go back to part-time, cause I'm not ready for a full time job, I can give myself time to recupperate, and also work on songs to learn, so that I can gig soon. BUT CAN I? As much as I wanted to do more with Charles--there's no more time left. He's gg in next week. He can't gig anymore. Suddenly, my "sensei" sin't around. Than I remember what he said to me last night: "When there are people around to help you, you are lucky. But your strength has to come, when people are not there to help you. "--I feel lost. Finding places to gig is one seperate issue, but I know, I can't be a one man show--not anytime soon. I have no one around who is serious about doing things with me, and having the same aim. At least I don't see any. But I wait to get out of this sick zone frist before I can talk abt any of these. I need him around I guess. But he would want to do his own stuff, and it'd be selfish to ask him to help me out.
So what am I suited for, if not f&b, if not office, if not gigging? I do not know anymore. Office hours are great, but many know well, that I'm not suited for that.
I know, it's almost impossible, to have your cake and eat it.
Lord, what do U want off me? What's yr plan for me? If you have one, I need to know soon. The quality of patience is something I can't afford now, Lord.
I've felt so distant from God. When I try to reach out to him, I feel disgusted by myself, czo somehow I know it isn't sincere. it's like a cry out, only because I feel so helpless. I know God's always here for us. He neevr distant himself from us. I'm the one, who has been somehow or rather distaning myself from him. I know it is never too late to kneel down in prayer and talk to him, but even that action in itself, is so hard for me these days. I can kneel down, but I am restless, and unfocused.
What have I become? The kchild in me that I want to retain has faded away, and the child that I don't want, is still stuck in me. Why do I say that? Because I felt guilt last night. when Charles spoke of the quaities of people he respects. The fruits of the spirirt, I remember grandma used to make us memorise these. Patience, tolerance, love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness. Perhaps I have SOME. But I know I lack severely in the pateince area. Impulsive has always been my nature.
People who've know me long, will say like Charles said, yea, I'm a sweet girl. A kind girl, a helpful girl, but certainly stubborn, and defensive--it's hard for me to listen to someone, unless I truly believe and understand and feel what that person has said, is right. Self righteousness perhaps? Ego? Pride? But how can a broken person have pride? My shattered pieces, have hardly been mended. I've felt broken for the longest time.I used to be a positve girl, back in my O level year. Where ahs she gone to? Why all the pessimism and negativity? I wans't even this negative when I first knew my boy. Maybe it was how badly I coped in tertiary, along with weird company, and the death of a gd friend. Along with that, perhaps the never ending probelms with my parents, and having my heart been broken by people who sais they'd stick by me. hah--expectations-there you go. it has certainly casued my deepest wounds. It's not that what Charles has told me is anything new. Many have. But when he said it to me last night, it striked the deepest chord. Because he is so young, yet so wise. Sounds like the nature boy. Expectations--we should never have of anyone. How true, as I agreed. But more than often, I think we don't build these expectations, but unconciosuly have them of someone--esp if they are closer to you. I've alwasys gotten myself into situations, maybe becuase of this, and being close to people alot.--something I think my brother has often advised, and I turned a deaf ear.
I think I eel very ugly now. Very, very ugly. I'm not surprised, if anyone were to tell me, that they don't have much respect for me.Now, Chalres would say to me : "What are u doing to do abt it? " And I think, my answer would be: I'm gonna slwoly start reforming myself. I think. I hope. I should.
Will he still be waiting for me? I don't know if I;m boring him out, or if we're both boring each other out. I really don't know.
What Would Jesus Do?
Completely lost, and need to be found Lord.

Melissa

The Observatory, has my new found respect. Latest addition, after my dear friend, charles : ) haha. Check them out on wikipedia man. Shit. They are a freaking intelligent bunch. Wow.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Observatory_(band)

New Obs link on the side.. haha their home page...

and adding wikipedia too...

thurs is coming. Is dad gonna take his hands, and throw me out? I have no where to go.
i may be the worst daughter he feels he cud have had. I know they still lvoe me. And so do i. Why cant they just accept tht we do, but we're just family living different lives. I have no where to go anymore. So God, I leave it to you. If u want me out, find me somewhere to stay. I felt quite dep[ressed early week, but am feeling good now. I figure U have a plan for me. Job applications are falling in place too. I'm disturbed by thurs, only because I am too tired of these games. Of coz it is easy for the one with lots of money and owns the house, to ask me to get out... put yrself in my shoes... anyway, im only disturbed coz i anticipate a really guly huge scene at home again.. i'd rather have this peace ....

Interview tmr baby!!! hahaha at InterCon.. the lady smsed me.. SHO fucnky man... dont knwo if it's full or part time actually.. but still, a chance at anything.. let her decide.. i lvoe hotel line... but of coz i dont wana go crazy with work.. smth nice pls, thanks you...
if not, harri and i still gonna try for liquid kitchen tmr!, ARGH no half priced waffles tmr.. dopes...
and apparently..im getting some money!! from moe and from sammie for carolling.. wopppess... man, i update this blog, like some newspaper..hahahaha

u noe what i was doing? singing crystal's kay's "hard to say", and well, i dont know the lyrics by hard yet... jw was singing with me..and ti got quite funny... all of us went mad after tht... hahahaa

anyway, more photos... and ALL photos are copyrighted by harriet Koh... thx a million again Harri.

SCENARIO: I am ironing. Mum walks in and says " I want to iron, you stop ironing,let me iron." And in my brain, " what??! I'm like half way through man.." FINE. So i bring it to her room. She mutters under her breath how she has no more clothes left, and dad has no more clothes to wear either. I'm thinking, WHY MUST she choose THE SAME DAY, that I want to iron, to IRON???? I iron ONCE IN A FEW MONTHS. She irons EVERYDAY. She KNOWS THAT. So i wana spend the afternoon ironing, and finishing it off. I planned to go swim, or do something else later. Now I AM NEITHER HERE NOR THERE. JUST GREAT. haiz...mothers.... Then she asks me if I've been using tap water to iron. DUH OF COZ. She starts nagging abt how she's always asked us to use boiled water. DON'T LOOK AT ME. I do not know whats the reason behind it. But you know what's the best joke abt it all? She says now to use our DIAMOND WATER to iron, and not boiled water. WAHT THE FUCK???!!??? Boiled water=clean water. Diamond water= filtered tap water. I DON'T GET IT. Someone--PLEASE enlighten me. what the fuck what the fuck.
nono not what the fuck, it's what the fycj. ARGH. Damnit. Sow aht should I do now? I have hald the pile of clothes starring at me left un ironed that I can only do later, when they are out. JUST WONDERFUL. I don't see how they can have nothing to wear, when she irons everyday. I can go abt a few months without any ironing, and still find SOEMTHING to wear...

Wait-There's one more. She compaliend I blasts my music so loud. HELO. No one except us are home. She was on the other side of the house...on,my my side was loud... haiz... i think it's still way better to be home ALONE.

Home. Alone. hahaa.

Least i feel alone. HAHA. Stupid charlie brown played me out. BLUFFER hahahahahahahaha.

Hope Harri comes bacvk to east tonight. Really wana have some waffles with someone.. Stupid other went to orchard. ARGH. Yes, mood feels like a baby now. BUI SONG AH hahahaha.

Hmms. Anyway, I'm feeling a little bit better today. Not so clogged up. I do hope charles gets better too--he's enlisting next friday. ... hmmms. Guess pretty much only Harri would know why I dread these things so much. There'll be another void to fill soon. He really has been a great person to have befriended. I feel blessed.

Hmm, Me gonna KETCHUPP on some IRONINGSSS todays! Since the weather is beautiful and i have DURRR TIMEEE. hehehee.

He sent me a fwew nice songs--you guys should check these out. Suited the cool after fan in my room (lol) and the nice hot weather, plus my babyish mood CHUCKLE CHUCKLE.
-Eve, the apple of my eye (Bell x1)
-Please Forgive Me (David Gray)
-Something Else ( Gary Jules) [actually he sent me this before..haha, but it feels new again]

and he runs!

and we run!

and then.. he happily hangs! hahaha hang on there!

the boy.. in the city.,..



we go crazy after the gig

with more band pics..

ooooo yeah...

Forget it. Nothing I have typed is coming out right.
Feeling absolutely crap now. I hate typing shit loads of paragraphs and nothing comes out right.
Sick of being sick. Am still very sick. Relapse after fri, and Im down with fever and flu again. I can't hear half the time-- don't talk abt singing. I can't fucking sing today. I couldn't sing to God, even though I needed so badly to. I think my solos sounded awful.
I'm really feeling low and I don't know why. I can't snap out of it. I don't exactly know why I'm feeling the way I am.

SLeep calls.

I'm really sorry.



I love you..I love you very much.



thanks charles, ivan, simon, Harri and dear. Truly a night I'll never, never forget.

Hi there.

I'm still at home.
Still trying to recover.
No, I'm still not better.
I tried to sing some songs today, and I just can't.
Simply can't control, can't reach those noters, and I can't hear properly on the left still, which makes my alrady not-so-good-hearing, even worse.
I'm getting quite impatient.
I AM A LITTLE better today, and trying to perk myself up to maybe get better faster by being cheery and all. But, Darn it.
I didnb't see a doc about the ear. I really wonder what's the problem. It feels on the inside, ,like a knife cut the ear, and now it's all rough.

............anyways. Here's a para, forwarded to joyce, from freda. And I'll tell you what I think after you have read it. So here goes:

Find a guy, who calls you beautiful instead of hot.
Who calls you back when you hang up on him.
Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead.
Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats.
Who holds your hand in front of his friends.
Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.
Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her."

- Anonymous

Rerad it already? Ok, this is what I feel. *He* fits every single line : ) EXCEPT haha, maybe tht he's never mentioned how lucky he feels to have me. How woudl I know whether he tells his friends "that's her" right? Yeapedeee...... skiddellliiduuudoopp

I feel worse today. Slept the whole day, took medicine and still feel like shit.
I haven't gotten my vocals back. I can feel it. It isn't the same. I hope they aren't damaged for good.
I think the last two entries were too emotional. I was just farking upset with myself.
But I still feel that it's really wasted I missed their gig yesterday, and the observatory. I forgot to mention, that I missed out on watching rivermaya on fri, for the second time in a row. The last time, I skipped it. DAMNIT.
When will I get to see another corrinne may concert, another rivermaya gig, another observatory gig (which will prob be ages from now), and damien rice??? ....... haix.

And I just realised that I'm still extremely angry with sam.

im JUST OVERLY PISSED with myself ok.

The stay home last night and today, gave me rest needed indeed, but why is it when I'm not around, so much fun happens?? why?

I missed out on blujazz and v for vendeta last night with the guys.
Today, I missed out on choir, and missed out on them performing at the stadium waterfront, alongside ronin (lerping and band), and alot of other bands. Adora was there as well. Everyone was there la, damnit. I really wanted to be there. But it was too late by the time I re-qoke, and wasnt sure how to get there.

They even managed to watch The Observatory. WHAT THE FUCK. I fucking missed the obervatory. Dear got to speak with vivien ok... what the hell...it sounds stupid, but ive been so moody today, and so edgy tht i start to cry everytime I think abt the entire weekend tht ive wasted away by sleepinga dn trying to get well. And just when Im feeling a bit better today, dear has to go back in tmr. I cud have spent a solid whole weekend with him and the guys. Really ahving alot of fun and doing crazy things. But where was I since last night? AT HOME AT HOME AT HOME.

I'm fucking happy tht my swelling and pain has gone down. If not i'd be even more upset and pissed than I already am.

I missed corrinne may's concert earlier this month. I missed the observatory today, ANDDDD GUESS WAD? im gonna be missing damien rice as well, coz there are no more 68 tickets. Im really fucking upset.

im really upset.

sickness makes me very depressed. Didnt eat dinner, they even buy home for me. Bathed in the morning, but absolutely cant be bothered to bathe now, just wnaa fucking sleep this whole thinf ogg. Who knows, I may be startingw ork tmr. Fuck.

I think ive been feeling quite depressed since last night.

On fri night, after jear and I went to sleep, I had a really high fever. But after he helped cold compress me, and after panadol, the temperature went off, and so far has only come back once, which was on sat afternoon. I spent the whole sat afternoon sleeping at his place, hoping to get well, to go to Godmna's for dinner, or with them to blujazz again. But I couldn't go for both. I felt too sick. I headed home. I think they ahd a great time. They went to watch a movie too. When ure sick and everyone else is having fun, it really sucks. esp when I developed ear pain, and neck pain due to the swollen glands.

Today, at ard 6+, they just played at indoor staduim. AGAIn I can't be there. I couldn't go for choir either. Sam got pissed ( as i anticipated). I listened to his voice mail four times, and only got more upset each time I heard it. He doesn't know how it feels to want to go and not able to, want to sing and not able to, want to be places, and can't coz I need to rest.

I slept through again, till now, and i am feeling a bit better, though the left ear is still a little painful and swollen. But I cartainly feel better. Dear wants to go for the observatory gig later at arts house, and I know I shouldn't go, coz i might get worse, or/ and nick will get angry, and coz I didnt go for church today.

Hence been feeling really sucky, shitty, and completely no mood to do anything at all. Just no fucking mood. Feel like crying each time I think of how I couldnt be with him today and last night, to suport the guys. He's like FINALLY free, with block off this week, and I have to be sick. it could have been a fantastic weekend. Im just so angry with myself. No one sle, nothing else. Lousy body of mine. Always always sick. Always. It was a great mistake tht I took up teaching. I shouldn't have. My flus have never been this bad.

I want to reply sam, but would he even believe me? Last week, I thought i felt better, so I went for mass, but ended up feeling worse coz the air con was freezing in church. he heard me coughing. I wasn't bluffing. It IS tht bad.

I'm glad I slept this afternoon. It was a gd solid two hrs of rest , well, until he called tht is. He said things like " I dont know why u are doing this to the choir" (what the hell am i doing..? what do you think i wana do, huh sam?) " we are at a great losee without you" ( Im sorry! I wana be there too ok... but shld i when i feel so sick?) " If u dont wana be part of the choir anymore, make it clear to me. If u want to, then i dont understand why ure doing this..." (doing what????? I dont even know what ure toking abt) " I'll take it tht ure not part of the choir anymore, if u are going to be sick again, u bring a medical certificate.." ( A WHAT EXCUSE ME?? WHAT THE FUCK) " Im very dsiapponted in you melissa, im sick of you" ( oh great.. great man. )

Well, I don't need to explain anything to him. God knows exactly how I feel. The choir shldnt be able to do without me. I hve very good sops in my section. I lead which is true, but when I'm not around, they shldnt be suffering. Im not at all like what Margaret said. I do not think highly of msyelf. In fact, it's really opposite. I love the choir. Im not the kind who disappear, with no proper reason.

I wana head back to sleep now. Pop pills, and get more rest. I'm so hay wire at this very moment.

It do4esn't seem to end.

If not for dear, I think my fever might have gotten ms unconcious last night. I was burning a good 40 degrees I reckon. Hottest fever ive ever had. YEA, HOT HOT.

My left ear is completely blocked, but when Im lucky sometimes I can hear something. It's very painful now, like as if it's swollen or an infection is there or smth. And the area below the ear all the way to the bottm of my neck is painful, and two of the glands are swollen. GREAT Man. Am I STILL coughing and all? YES INDEED,.

I'm quite fed up with this actually. dear was extremely caring and a really good "doctor". haha. He could still make me laugh and smile despite how shit I felt. his eyes still sparkled.

ok, im off to bed, even though i have lots of songs to dl (scores, lyrics), and lots of clothes to iron.(Yes, my cupboard's like almost empty already). Argh. I also feel like watching a movie now on my computer. But since I'm home, I think I better rest. Not in a very fantastic mood too.

It do4esn't seem to end.

If not for dear, I think my fever might have gotten ms unconcious last night. I was burning a good 40 degrees I reckon. Hottest fever ive ever had. YEA, HOT HOT.

My left ear is completely blocked, but when Im lucky sometimes I can hear something. It's very painful now, like as if it's swollen or an infection is there or smth. And the area below the ear all the way to the bottm of my neck is painful, and two of the glands are swollen. GREAT Man. Am I STILL coughing and all? YES INDEED,.

I'm quite fed up with this actually. dear was extremely caring and a really good "doctor". haha. He could still make me laugh and smile despite how shit I felt. his eyes still sparkled.

ok, im off to bed, even though i have lots of songs to dl (scores, lyrics), and lots of clothes to iron.(Yes, my cupboard's like almost empty already). Argh. I also feel like watching a movie now on my computer. But since I'm home, I think I better rest. Not in a very fantastic mood too.

Everything that could go wrong, went wrong today hahahahahahahahahahha.

I was quite SUAY today lar, to keep the long frustrating, exhausting story short.

These are the things that happened:
-spent the whole afternoon just blowing nose and cpughing. ABSOLUTELY hate tht. U wont understand that kind of torture.
-had to rush a letter to send to my mentor, who BTW KEPT CALLING ME while i was sleeping. She KNOWS im sick. haiz. nvm, she was just anxious.
-left home to rush out to meet harri, WIHOUT my wallet. HAIZ HAIZ. ran back sweating. -My feet got a blister at the end where it rubs against the shoe. DAMNIT.
-my jeans felt too uncomfortable today.
-i was damn tired. fullstop.
-couldnt shop.

aghhh cudnt shop. HAHAH. completely no mood loh. go home straight.

-however, we spoek with aileen and starting work next week. night shifts whooray. hahaha.. I bet i'll start hating the times hahaha...

yea. tmr gotta wake early.
MY FREAKING thing just came LOL LOL LOL.


olrite. Happy anniversary harri& simon.

happy anniversary to me and dear : )

What song is running thru my head now? "evaporated".

Im really happy today : ) At least this is how I summ up today, at this present moment, with my fan blowing,cool and quiet night, all I hear now are the recordings from Blujazz, and I practised my corrinne may song just now, and also lonestar on guitar. YES, FINALLLY, I'm back on my guitar!! : ) I feel happy, and I have enegry again! I'm still ill lah, but I really really hope to recover soon, yea...

Last day at work today. Mentor wasn't happy with some of my work over the term, but the more I thought of it, the more sian I got. I just hate the system they go by. not me. HAHA. So, I finished up my work, didnt bother abt the over due stuff, coz it is now really in the gd hands of the next teacher, and submitted my stuff. There's only still a bit ofadministrative stuff with the ministry that needs to be worked on. Yuppers.

I met Charlie brown, *grin* and dear at eunos, coz charlie needed his linky thingy back urgentLY. haha, see how it all rhymes, so funniLY. hahahahahahahahah =] Neways, felt so bad tht I cudnt go support charles. AGAIN LEH, not first time. ahiz haiz... budd, well, he let me and dear go PA TOH hahahahaa, and we ended up having fantastic dinner with his sister and brother and his sister's friends (at home lah) PIZZA LEH!.

AND AND AND. This part was THE MOST happening! Cause dear was busy on computer again, so I sat at the piano, like any other day at his place, and for the SECOND TIME now, inspiration came to me, and I managed to play stuff tht came to me very unexpectedly. I thought I woudlnt have been blank again sittinga dn staring at those black and white keys tht I am so fond off. But I actually played some really feely stuff. At least to me. It was great. It felt great. Like Claire once said to me. It'll come.

:P Yeah....

What a day... i better go get some rest now. Ciaos!

*ooo.. my bro's first ever composed song and recorded by MOI song is on mp3 aka on my comp now.. u guys wana hear.. BUZZ ME MAN

A good day it was. : )

Went to work around 12ish, and completed the marking of my class's science papers. They did well! hahahaha. I marked all their social studies and health ed books too. So, I onli have papers left to set and one more class of health ed books, then it's finally over. *PHEW*. Tmr is rest day. Just sya home, do work, iron up A WHOLE PILE of clothes, heh, and possibly go out to buy soem stuff with harri :P

Harri and I finally met up for some nice mos burger dinner, and shopping earlier this evening. WOW, it's been long since we hung out together. Work had really taken me away. I had no time to shop at all. No time for her. Only had time for dear, and maybe myself. Once wednesday is over, Im gonna get a good rest and start learning songs like mad. Gonna head backt o part time work first, to give my body some rest from all the madness. I hope my kids will be alright with the new teacher. And I certainly pray that the new teacher will be in a better state of mind, body and soul to do a much better job than I had done.

One of my boys gave me a very very very gorgeous pot of flowers today. He left it in the staff room for me. FDake flowers, in a pretty bamboo done up pot, and the "dewdrops" looked so real. It melted my heart.

There are just LOTS of songs to learn. I have an entire fullscap full of songs. Alot of them piano work, more than guitar. My fingers are starting to soften again!! OH NO, NOT a good sign. I haven't had the frame of midn to practise recently...argh...will do so soon. But I love the piano more... dopes dopes... it's because my background still was piano. But, I do love the accoustic sound of the guitar. Most beautiful. It feels like I'm a baby learning to walk again. but I have to do it then.

Keep reminding myself to register for the auditions at dreamers and hark. MUST.

Parkway has this fantasitc groumet and butchery shop in the basement.. it's really REALLy got delicious meats and all--dear's mum roasted soem of the meat on sunday for us. That corner of parkways basement looks really "neat" now. It's so high class!

I feel rather guilty for spending so much today. A ood dinner and desert, and bought two pretty blouses! Oh man.....we went to U2, Giordano, Espirit, Topshop, and there were so many nice skirts, tops and more that I wish I could ahve bought. Much Much too expensive. Harri got something slinky too. (heheheheh). Went to the CD shop, and Corrinne May's second album will only be re-released TMR! argh argh! Harri, remind me to get it tmr pls! *oh no spend again*.

Last one months, I spent aLOT. Besides my cool zen, and sennheiser, which I so do not regret getting, and paying off stuff, I spent a hell lot on docs, and transport. SHEESH. I don't believe how much I have left.

I'm still planning to buy a new hp, a new harversack, a fe more pieces of clothes, mary jane shoes ( coz my present ones are as gd as gone), and MOST OF ALL for my up coming malaysia trip with harri, and my aussie trip with dear in mid-yr. SHIT. How sia. ahah. Somemore Im going back to part time for now, and dont know if i'll grab any gigs any time soon after d auditions. (hopefully do). Must save for daily and monthly expenditure too, coz i dont know when dad is gonna drive me out, again. And no, havent thought about that yet.

Right now there are more urgent things like learning stuff and recovering. SO LONG. Im out!

p/s: Joyce, tahnks for the letter dear, and i hope you're fine over there in tassie. Keep your spirits up babe dear.

Tired again. Shucks.
Woke up early coz nick got home from scout camp and we forgot to unledge the door. So I woke up eventually. Arranged lunch with dear, initially to head to pasta freska. But i walked there from the 12 busstop, to find out that it'd under renovation. that kinda pissed me off. The weather was scorching hot. It's terribly hot these days.
I went to dear's place, and he made us a very very special lunch : ) Let's see, ham, egg, chese, lettuce sandwich! What's so special? It's done his style! Bread, made by his mum, ham, fried, egg, fried, with lots of spices, bread toasted with cheese slightly melted, and fried lettuce* jus a bit* After the whole sanwich was done, we added barbeque sauce! YUMM! : )
But I was still feeling pretty sick. Nonetheless, I thought of napping, and heading to church for meeting, coz I promised to help out for recruitment. I really didnt want to disappoint laopo again. But in d end I couldn't. Not long after lunch, I felt really sick again. I slept thru till 5+ and tok a cab to church. The church was FREEZING COLD. I don't understand WHY they make churches, buses and malls so freaking cold. It severely aggrevated my cough and running nose. I coudlnt' stop coughing, and my eyes were very blurred due to the continuous runny nose. It was good though, ONLy because Sam didn't believe I was that sick. i still am, and it annoys the hell out of me.
Headed back to his place for dinner. His mum made some special barbequeded stuff again. Declious indeed. I wanted to head home earlier, coz I really needed to sleep, but he only needed to head back to camp at 10ish, so I decided to just tahan another hr or so. Nothing much, since his ister and I were watchign simpsons and the behind the scenes of HARRY POTTER, which she bought today from parkway. She's one of the biggest H.P fans I know, besides angie angie.
Before we left, he played for me an intro of nature boy that he has been writing since yesterday. But of coz that isn't my point. I was just happy laughing away together with him. I'm just happy, being with him.
veering off topic abit, wei yi ACTUALLY CAME to rhuch today. OMG. Like FINALLY MAN. hahahaha. It was really great to see him again after eons. He had this really reallllllly cool t-shirt, and I loved it! It has a picture of the clasp board we use for filming. AHH. sheesh, wish I had tht t-shirt too.
I'm hald asleep already. Shall head off to bed now. Damn sleepy.
I hope tyo post MUCH more interesting stuff soon, once i recover. But I'm waiting to, thats the thing. The coming weekend is gonna be busy.... shucks.
nites pple------who stole a cookie from the cookie jar? You stole a cookie from the cookie jar.

ALRITE, IM OUT.

these two days were =( and =)

Yesterday, (friday), I invigilated the science papers for my kids' class. After that i did individual questions analysis with them, with much difficulty. They totally pissed me off when they just threw their papers onto my prefect's table. After that I asked zu lao shi, for one period of his time, being the last periof od school time. I gathered all the MT students back to class.
I broke the news to them. That was my last 15 mins spent with them. The minute I told them that that was my last day with them, hald the class cried, starting with my pet student, Becky ( my favourtie actually). Her group members, the girls, and two of my boys started crying. Then it spread to the rest of my class. I held back my tears as I saw them cry. It was very painful, but they wouldn't know at this age, what it's all about, and that I have to leave them.I had prepared a letter for them last week, and bought them pencils,coloured pencils, rulers and erasers. I gave all of them rulers, and gave extra gifts to those who did well for various papers and tests. After my boy Kevin left the class and I was left alone. I started crying. Cause it hurt so much to see them that way. But it had to be done.

Later my prefect, Huda, wrote two consecutive e-mails to me.
This is what she wrote:

dear miss melissa i hope u are feeling gd today cause u
left us i felt so
lonely without u amirah also we really want u to come back
and teach us i
was crying the whole day because u say the badnews to us
that u are leaving
us so one thing i want from u please come back and can u
give your handphone
number please ok gtg cya!

Reply ok





Lots Of Love:

Nusrah Huda

dear,miss melissa i hpoe u can come back to our school
becauase i miss u i
love u like my family so do becky .i cried the whole day
bacause u are
leaving us i really can't take this went i go to my friends
house i cried
because i miss u even u cannot sign in our handbook i hate
it i want u back
in our class just one thing i want from u i want u back in
our school and
can u give me your handphone number?please .







lot of
love:Nusrah Huda

From what I heard from her malay teacher, her malay is better. Haha. I chose her and three other prefects because of their good characters, and leadership qualities. I feel very bad for causing them hurt, or have to feel the feelings of seperation, but I know that they will understand when they are older.

I had a good time at night. Went out with the guys for MOSAIC festival at the esplanade concert hall--HIROMI & MACEO PARKER concert!!!!-->OMG I WAS WAYY TOO SATISFIED. hahahaha DAMNIT. They are SO freaking good musicians. Hiromi performed with her two band member. Her on the piano keys, her bassist and her drummer. My goodness. She can play the keys LIKE NO ONE ELSE CAN. her chromatic scales used in her pieces were just crazy. her control of volume was mad. her ability to play two entirely different rhythms on her right and left hand, and switch hands, was really really jaw dropping, unbelieveable, just crazy. Her band was TIGHT. Very very tight in rhythm.

Maceo Parker and his huge band was after the intermission of hald an hour. This guy plays the saxaphone so beautifully. He sings like Ray Charles. His band MY GAWD. Charles,dear, I and the whole audience was so wowed by them. we were so out of enegry cheering, clapping, screaming, and everytime we thought the concert was gonna end, they hyped it up again. Over and over and over and ovcer and over and over and over and over again. They were fantastic. Mind blowing. The three of us felt completely taken in. Imagine we were so exahusted already, but they still had so so so so much stamina. IT'S REALLY INCREDIBLE.

We left hungry, tired and sick , but had a really great time.

I miss my kids.

Stayed over at dear's place, and we both got up feeling really sick. Too much fun last night I suppose. Coz after sleeping a whole day, I'm still awfully tired. Dear had to go back to camp with fever, and I was blardy worried for him. I was so worried, just had no mood to do anything. But his friend was very kind and now he;s home resting. : ) Ah, my mind is at ease. After a yr and three months together, I realise how much his well ebing means to me. I felt so strange having him away today. It's like our lives have become so intertwined that even if we have no time for ourselves, we still amke time for each other. But we've always known when to leave each other alone too. HAHA.

I love him.

in a nutshell,

"Feeling tired,
By the fire,
the long day is over"

the HIGHS of today!:
-Releasing my kids' english exam results to them. -The joy on some of their faces.
-My sweet girl gave me biscuits for recess AGAIN!. I really love her, she's the best in class, (shhh).
-I finished marking their entire maths exam paper!
-I met dear and the guys.
-Holding his hand again, after a long day, really gave me a very special feeling.
-Seeing his smile and feeling that sweetness from him again, just made me feel happy.
-Fiding Hark Music school, cafe : ) OH YES!

The LOWS of today:
-wasted cab fare again.
-ate too much junk food.
-chocking on phelgm and feeling awful the whole day.
-having a sore thorat.
-very tired.
-blurred eyes.
-stomach pains.
-back pain.
-answering to many parents in school.
-my naughty kids, driving me mad mad mad.


and I think that Charles, to me, comes across as a very down to earth, realistic, hardworking, honest, blunt(but in a good way), caring, true friend. mature for his age, and i can see he wants to learn things abt the world, and he wants to pick up as much as possible. he has a nature that is observant and thoughtful.

The last two weeks, I noticed a change in my relationship. It's a gd one too. I just wana say that I'm very happy. : )
And tonight, I reflected on how much dear has changed since army. All the positive stuffs have been really good.

Alright, I'm outta here.

Another horrible day just ended at work.

Alarm rang, and i ddin't hear it again, even though I slept much earlier last night.

(Teachers have no life at all. It is NOT just a committment. It's a vocation. The more I know about this job, the more I'm hating it.)

So I miss the alarm.

(I have been late for work everyday for the past WEEKS. It's either I totally oversleep and reach work at 10am, or I reach work at almost 8. The discipline head used to insists we be at the hall when assembly starts. I think she's given up on me in particular. She is very good at seperatinh the person and the issue though. That's the great thing about the teachers in this school. All very kind souls, very understanding. I think they have emphatised alot with me. But I really gave up coping much a couple of weeks ago. Too much ridiculous things in this job to take care off. I just try my best to finish up the work with the kids.)

Wake up. Can't wait to leave the house and rush out. But I can never do that. As usual, stuck in the toilet, coughing out lumps of green phelgm, chocking over and over again, alwayse feeling like I'm about to collapse. After that is done, and feeling awfully faint by then, I get down to blowing out the tap of flowing mucus from my nostrils.

Ah. Now change, get food, and rush out to the main road.

Time? 735. OH GAWD.

Hail a cab,(as usual) but this time, with9out enough money. I have ended up penniless in school (work) a few times already, coz the money goes to my morning cab. OH GAWD.

Every time this happens, I don't eat properly. Mostly surviving on musli bars, water, and milo at most. biscuits maybe.

I reach school, almost 8am. Get my stuff, sign in, and rush up to class. The kids are exhilarated at seeing me again. Some , because they know they can bully me again. NVM.

Spent the first few periods making them sort out their English files and wbs, almost till I was out of breath again. After recess was their maths paper. I couldn't eat yet.

The stomach growls.

I invigilate, and wait impatiently for maths paper to be over. Finally it is. I take my absentee from yesterday, and bring him down to the staff room for his english paper, which the class took yesterday. Marked some of their compos as I watched him do his paper.

Immediately after, it is teachers contact time. *SHIT, I SAY to myself*. Attend meetinga nd art workshop, till 3+pm. Then my mentor wanted to see me.

What do i know? I nearly got into hot soup, AGAIN. This time Ive got a parent complaint. Actually not the first. My mentor goes on and on about teaching and her experiences and the dos and do nots...

by the time I was done with her, I closed my eyes, and knew that I just coulnt push on, and certainly was sure this aint a path for me.

The fuss over how much work to give them, the patience, the parents, the time for recess , dismissal, pleasing them most the time, the working hrs, the crazy meetings, the extra stuff. No. Im out.

A few more days. It's taking forever.

I have to complete the entire CCA marking and all. I have to clear my other marking.
I have to clear my admin.

I listen to my mp3 player at the end of the day, and hear the songs I wana learn so badly. No zest, no zest to do it at all. Want is to do it right away. But I can't.

That makes me even more edgy. I have NO TIME. Time isnt on my side. Health isnt either.

I guess I don't take these things well at all, compared to my bf.

Im just very tired, and all of u probably are too. Nonetheless Im glad I had this chance to experience this first hand, though I would take tht back anytime. LOL.

U have crazy teachers in the staff room, who start saying and doing crazxy things to destress. It is quite scary. Everyone is eating off one another.

Snoopy--I wana sing and play music to people who want to listen.

Lord, show me yr way. Guide me, and help me make my real dreams come true. I would be happy then.

Ok, dinner now, and back to marking. My music, I will wait patiently. Afew more days to go. Mel, wait, wait.

What doesn't kill you, will only make you stronger. But for me, It has killed me a bit already. However, I have also become strgoner. Full time jobs--tough cookies.

Blogger has stopped having the colour chart on the create entry page for ages. At this point in time, it is really annoying me.

I haven't written for quite a few days. I am in a very very lousy mood. I am also very tired, and still pretty much sick. I've had two very nastry days at work, and it has really reminded me how very sure I am about leaving this terribly demanding, ridiculous job. Kudos to all teachers. You guys are amazing.

I had an awesome weekend. Definitely a 180 degree difference compared to these two days. The weekend-the only time I can find some happy moments, some reprieve, some comfort. Saturday was a great day spent with the guys, and dear. I stayed over at dear's place, and got to practise some piano, watch some movies, and watch him repair him bass guitars. He changed strings, altered the pick ups and all manually. It was interesting to watch. The stay over was good. He took very good care off me. I felt very loved, and now that both of us are under such great work stress, the weekend, has become extremely precious. Three meals and more he prepared for me. never once did he not pat my back when I coughed. This is something I felt very touched by. He always patted, or "hit" my back, when I coughed, which was probably a million times. After breakfast, he made me a huge cup of milo, and I didn't even ask. When we were out with charles and the rest, he bought mee rebus and even bought a chicken sausage for me. Dear--thank you.

The gig on sat at blujazz was simply the best. Seems T^he Lull cant do without the bass, it just feels so empty without. They grooved with so much feeling. Charles really impressed me with his new song that night. Superb performance. Thumbs up no doubt.

Then came yesterday. The kids drove me up the wall, and probably up to the sky.ZEven the good ones were doing all sorts of stupid things today. I yelled my lungs out, and because of them, trying to get so many things doen for them, I was up and down, up and down, but NOO they didn't even care, whether I was coughing like mad. I was extremely upset with them yesterday. I had nothing to eat, like many other schl days, but yesterday, we had remedial, and tht made me have no lunch either. This totally pissed me off. Added to them just NOT LISTENING, AND NOT KEEPING THEIER DAMN MOUTHS SHUT. I was damn tired. Instead of the usual DAILY CAB I take to school, I took cab BACK HOME as well. (I've probably spent a few hundreds on cab these two-three months). I hit the bed the min I was home, and knocked out till 11pm. Dear called, and that was when I realised I hadn't even looked at my phone the whole day. Even if I did, I was so tired. Just so tired. Bathed, took some miso soup, and went back to bed till this morning.

This morning, the usual mad rush and struggle to wake up. The thought of the kis today, particulalry made me feel terrible. But I HAD TO GO. I had to, it's their first exam paper. BUT STILL THEY DON'T LISTEN. They don't take me seriously. Instructions repeated many many times, and they STILL DONT KNOW OR DO IT WRONGLY. There were so many examples: Likenot using pencil during exam, shading the OAS, NO talking or moving ard during exam, SIMPLE THINGS. But they JUST DIDNT HEAR IT. Repeared many times already. The senior teachers and I got into quite a heated thing today. We didnt quarrel , but becoz of certaint hings we all got angry with each other. There was much confusion about my last day of work, which really upset me.

So I have to go back to work enxt week, coz now till then, I have to finish marking ALL THE EXAM PAPERS, an do breakdown analysis for each paper, before I leave. I also have to tie up alot of loose ends admin wise etc. I'm now home, and gonna start marking again. I think, compared to most of the teachers in my schl, what Im doing is minimal, but Im already doing my best to cope, to get as many aspects of the job done as possible. it's just CRAZY. You ask me, do I see myself doing this next time again? NO WAY. NEVER. After calculating, this full time pay, as good as it is, (ok it's pretty great), isn't worth the madness of this job. Each hr u get [aid 4 maybe. And tht is only counting the official hours. I realised I have no patience for this job.

Yes, though I'd hate to be alot broker, and always trying to make ends meet. But I haven't been weel since the start, and haven't been eating properly at all. I promise dear to eat well on weekdays, but I simply can't. I spent the first three weeks on mostly biscuits. Then paos,and barley, then bowl noodles, and sandwiches, and Im back to biscuits again.

I badly need time to start working on some gig worth material.

Dad is gonna ask me to shift end of march. HOORAY. (im so fucking sick of this shite). Nick scolded me for not turing up for choir on sunday. I was just so tired. He implied I was irresponsible when I take my role so seriously. Nick said I dont rest when I should. Work drives me up to way past my neck already. The only time I can unwind is the weekend. And even then I do rest, over at dear's place.

The next few days are a washout again. I won't get a chance to practise anything. And most likely won't have the energy to also, which is what I've been feeling.

No matter what, I must do some stuff with charles before he enlists and after I finish this job. God, I need just a little bit more strength to pull thru till next week, coz I'm really tired.

so tired again this week.

Theres really so little time for everything. Just impossible to do everything.

Tues, went to TM to check out some phones and head home. By the time i got home was almost 10.

Wed, church after work. Got home 11ish.

Thurs, met shawn after work. Got home 11ish.

Today, the blujazz gig after work. POOPED out.

It was weird customers and accoustics at blujazz today, but aileen was ever so sweet, and charles and ivan did their best as always. I was happy to be there. Finished all my marking there! How kewl huh

Lately Ive been writing a list of songs to learn.; Now thw list is one entire fullscap paper long.; OHH MAN.

Ok, i dont wana talk anymore..fucking tired... and i miss dear very much..... ciao

Heyyaall!

Some guigging news for u all!

From the desk of Charles and me, hahaha....

For this week: Friday's Blujazz Gig as usual (and the place is full house these days)
: Saturday- V.S gig (no details yet), then Blujazz at night again.
( He has sat slots now too, cool huh)

Next week: Friday NO BLUJAZZ GIG.-we're heading to HIROMI'S CONCERT! : )

Following week: Charles has landed a gig at Stadium Waterfront (between indoor and oasis restaurant)- I might be in this one.

Week after that: 24th Esplanade "Music For Good" gig.-Charles. I might be featuring with my drummer freidn as well.

Rights. Thta's all for now. Blujazz gigs, as usual charles, then I might do stuff if we have time, the same old same old routines, yes. Call if ure coming. Yeappers.

See ya'all.




On other things, I'm leaving the education service mid march. Will take a week off to recup, coz my throat is in a bad condition now, and I need it back proper, to start working on my music. I have a whole list of songs I wana learn and play and sing, but right now, work is very exhasuting, and little time for it now. Still pushing on--don't worry. The cough is bad though.

Okie dokes--gotta getback to marking. Meeting shawn for dinner. it's been ages. Can't wait to catch up with the queer one.
Hopefully meeting khalf next tues and ana next wed. Haha, Yes, i'm doing the catching up with old friends now. hahaahaha.

Ahh-still I miss people. Alright, cya all later.

im very very tired.

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have high extroversion. You are outgoing and engaging, with both strangers and friends. You truly enjoy being with people and bring energy into any situation. Enthusiastic and fun, you're the first to say "let's go!" Conscientiousness: You have low conscientiousness. Impulsive and off the wall, you don't take life too seriously. Unfortunately, you sometimes end up regretting your snap decisions. Overall, you tend to lack focus, and it's difficult for you to get important things done. Agreeableness: You have high agreeableness. You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly. Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone. You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test