Saturday, December 31, 2005

My heart is heavy...it is so so heavy.
I nearly lost a loved one last night. Nothing mattered to me anymore, except tht I needed to understand what was happening. The tears that rolled down my cheeks, were filled with pain and confusion. Why is it so complicating? Why is it so hard? I'm not sure, in all honesty, how to continue from here; yet I don't want to give up. No, I love him. I don't want to lose something and someone I've become so happy having ard me, again. The pain is much to unbearable. i can't lose a love twice in a yr. I can't. I can't. But I didn't want to be selfish. But the ans in the end, was tht he wanted me to stay. For real, i hope. But I don't know what it's gonna be from now. He is trying so hard again...but will it last? He is already tired. So I didn't know whether the positivness from him today, was for real.

It was shock to me, right after putting up our photos here.

I don't want to let go.


I didn't want to let go at all.

Friday, December 30, 2005



and lastly...my lovely vera....amazing how she knew wei and myself...seperately... amazing...


and for my two darling gurls...



and for the stylised photos below..we owe it to sista pottress....
I wished we were REALLY overseas...this moment felt like heaven...

One of those sweet moments...

L.O.V.E
Curious

FUN.
Xmas never seemed more beautiful...even though it wasn't xmas yet...











To my dear....
Good morning all... Time check: [3am]
It is now officially a "crime" for me to be awake at this hour. This has been ME, my routine, my norm for years and tears on end. I really don't know how long it'll take me to change this habit.

Starting next week, I'll be embarking on a new part of my life; an experiment, a serious commitment, a change, a life long learning area. I'm starting my contract teaching job of 6 months, at Opera Estate Primary, ironically in Siglap Hill. Looks like I can never seem to get enough of siglap. LOL. Think Godbro too, will start his new part time job with Cartel, the one I just quit. LOL.

I attended the end of year staff meeting in school today, and let's record it down for the sake of it: I wqas there from 8.15am-6pm. The meeting was LONG. SO VERY LONG.
To keep things sweet and short, <-- this quoted from oen of the teachers' way of speaking (anyway), I will be form teacher of Pri 3 Neptune. OHMYGAWD.
I have shit loads of work to do. That I am already certain. I have to get myself ready for next week, as I know it to be already. I have to prepare introductory classes, and I have to start thinking through how to handle my class. I have to prep first eng class, and read thru my texts.

AKA.

Theres goes my life. HAHA. At least my play life. my WORK LIFE has onli JUST begun. I'll be glad if I still have time to blog. I'll be glad if I can still squeeze time for darling. The more I think of it, the more i've been spending time with him this week, though at thecompromise of not helping mum at home. I really hope they understand. Yet, I still have friends I haven't managed to meet with. I guess it's a cycle that will never be completed. So why fret too much over it. " God will find a way, where there seems to be no way". This will probably be my new motivation.

I hope as I start my new job, dear will support me, like the way i did him when he started army. It hasn't been an easy ride at all. Since march 05, i made time for him on weekends, at the displeasure of my dearest folks, and stopped vocal classes, coz the timing was just too tight as I was working part time near his place too. But God makes me do things for reasons as well, I guess. SAHortly after, the traumatic yet thrilling shifting thing happened. Let's say after looking back on it, no matter how bad or good it all was, it was definitely a good experience. We've both groen in certain understandings, though we all know these things will never be done learning off each other.

My friend just returned home from holiday this week.My weakness made me contact this friend again while the person was away, but I knew I wouldn't get any response. Now, looking at the whole thing, I guess it doesn't seem to weigh tht much importance to him anymore. How can it be anywayn right, since he really doesn't bother? I think the space has been filled in my heart now, and I'm happy with the love tht has been true to me anyway, albeit weaknesses tht we both have. It isn't the best, but it isn't bad either. It's reassuring, in it's own way.

I'm gonna post up some lovely lovely photos...now..tata...shall pen off here. nites all. God bless.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Merry Christmas!

Iit's been quite a while eh? No mood or need to write recently. But I think that is good, coz tht means I have nothing to complain abt! hahahaha

Well, for a change, I shall blabber abt happy stuffs! Like how i received 16 presents for xmas! HAHAHAH =)

Well, I shall give credit to all the people who made me so happy this xmas!

MUM! and dad!- Black, stripped shirt blouse with lovely sleeves!!
NICK!- Corrinne May CD!
DEAR!- *omigosh* PEANUTS COMICS!! and hairband! ( i love the simple hairband)
JOYCE!- a lovely black box, with string and a cushion heart on it. Contents: Oricana whistle, chocs, bkmark!
Meliza!-chocs, sweets and Mphosis slippers!
Stefffie (laopo) and Weiyi- Mu-EE pink and black WATCH!!!!! (oh man..it's SO NICE)
Andrea Chan- PRECIOUS MOMENTS belt!!!!!! OMG! *heee*
Tammy- Pink and Black notebook!!!!! ;p
Sammie- a wooden plaque with MY NAME ON IT!

Godma- a racer top blouse heeeeeee...
Jared- a realli REALLI KEWl hand fan It's SO KEWL
Angel- A sweet ornament
Christabelle- Mu-Ee Pouch!!!

from my sops:
Celine- Notepad
Faustina - Notepad
Jenny- Biscuits

GOSH...thanks all SO MUCH!!
: )

I had a terribly busy but super happy xmas..coz I gave my lord the best birthday present i could give him..thts good enuff... : ) happy birthday Lord..hope what our choir gave u, was what u were happy with...

Since then, I've been keeping myself busy with jam sessions for my upcoming gig end of the mth! it's on 21st Jan '06, ECP, Marine Cove...It's gonna be super..I've got with me the best main vocals guy lead, a superbly fantastic Saxaphonist, the best bassist i know, LOL, and myself on backups...but yet, im pushing this sooo hard..coz it's so so good. Come and support ok!

Alright, I start my job next week, Im freaking out here. Thurs will be attending a staff meeting at the school for the first time ever. FREAKED OUT.

Monday, December 19, 2005

What can i say? Caroling first gig was a SUCCESS!!!!!!!!!
Im SO SO PROUD of my caroling grp! We loked glam, sang well, to the best we cud, though we can ALWAYS be better, and our families and friends came to watch. Dear was there too! =)
I was really happy....

If u guys wan to hear the stuff, i have all the 11 tracks recorded...do msn or email me yes? : )
Photos another day...im so so shack...gotta wake earli tmr too...

im embarking on a new thing...gig with dear and his good friend...will be end of jan, marine cove....cant wait..tmr i am meeting them to discuss....

shall head off now...WOHOO so much to do this week EXCITED!!

Sunday, December 18, 2005

IM REALLY ExCiTeD ABOUT TMR!! : ) Dear's gonna be there!! WOOO...heheheeee Im gonna take PICTURESSS wohooo~ dear, if u see this in time..pls wake me at 9am pls! hahahah thx!
juls...remember u said on yr blog...tht sometimes u wish yr life was over? ...i get tht too...and i understadn tht crap feeling.... rite now i wish tht too....
...we're all troubled pple...all dads have theirm own unexplainable burdens..and so do kids... im just so upset.....
Dear, now it's officially one yr and 45 mins : ) Thank you dear, for the sweet msgs tonite...realli helped me to calm down..got so so upset...yr msgs reallli touched me..thank you dear...i love you too...see u tmr...gd nites, sweet dreams.... *hugs*
I was a zombie this morning, nick forcing me awake to go for wedding. Seriously, I know it was my responsibity to be there, and when i did turn up, i guess some of them esp my section was happy to see me there. BUT, when I woke, I already knew tht I wasnt feeling well. I kept telling nick IM VERY TIRED. But he INSISTED i wake up. so no choice. But this caused me to not be able to practise at TAMMY'S. By the time i got there, i was realli shack. my throat started to hurt, and im performing tmr. WTF. I realli wanted to nap, but those who COULD SLEEP, like lisa and char who didnt come for wedding in the morning, and mich too, certainly looked fresher. WHY CANT I BE LIKE THT? It's not like i always dont turn up for things.

Steffie got home very late last night, and ended up not getting enuff rest, so she didnt turn up either. Clarice was so sweet to still make it dcown for the mass. I really needed rest la, shit. Nvm, lucky i didnt follow nick to town after practise...came hoem to get some sleep.

It wasn't SUCH a bad anniversary without dear, TILL DAD FUCKINNG RUINED IT. And as usual, like the auto routine, afrer dad FUCKING gets pissed, and throws his temper all over, nick will then take action and scold me. FUCKING HELL. Realli, I HATE having my moods ruined, esp by those who are at home. REALLI ahte it. I dont f care if it's someone at work, i'll be damn angry but later just push it aside and say it was an unlucky day at work.

sorri i need to vent, blardy angry rite now. VERY.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

IT'S THE 17TH DEC.

HAPPY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY TO US DEAR!!!!!! =D


It's finally here. 17th dec. One yr since we got together. yi2 lu4 zhou3 lai3 hen3 bu4 rong2 yi4. But we have gotten thru it : ) We'll STILL holding our hands, firmly together, walking this road together. Dear, thank you. There's so much to be grateful to you for. The memories, the fun times, the sad ones too, the fun ones, the crazy ones, the sweet ones, the many many treats....and for treating me so so special all the time. We've certainly grown together, in many ways, and learnt things from each other. We're still so young and have so much more to experience together. I wish us the very best for whatever is ahead of us. One yr, and whatever it is, I'm proud of it. Proud of us, and never never tot we really would make it to this day, one yr back. We don't meet by chance, we met for a reason. HArri didnt come back into my life, by chance, it was a plan by God already. We can onli wait and see what else he has in store for us. We've been thru good and bad times since we got together, and im not afriad for whats ahead of us, for i know u;ll stay by me always, and never give me any less support than i need.

Let me pen this down: Today, as I walked down to bedok station, I was wondering to myself, I just had this sudden feeling, tht dear wqas near by. That made me keep a lookout for him..and I was amazed...he appeared before my eyes..from the opposite direction. We were both stunned, I was dumbfounded, I was happy, i was so so so happy. It's not everday u are waiting to SOMEHOW bump into yr loved one, and yr wish comes true. Thank you God.

It's getting closer to XMAS!!! =) For those who are coming down to my caroling performance this sun, 1.45pm at The legends, here is the MAP =)

Drop off at park mall, and walk in..the triangle there...u'll be able to see the legends..we'll be at the lobby, at the piano. DO COME OK! =) 1.45pm-2.15pm this sun! One more performance on 25th itself same time!!!

Xmas eve, I'll be performing a duet for the pageant, in front aka I'LL BE SEEN!! Do come ya! 8pm and 11pm!! =p THX ALL!

Okie...one more pic..dear took with his phone.,..MORE TO COME SOON! I just love it...taken with love...

Friday, December 16, 2005

Evanescence--Immortal

"I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time can not erase
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time can not erase
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tear
sWhen you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me"


Godbro has this running on his blog..and each time I go to his blog, I feel very sad...just like the way Teressa felt sad about this song. This song seems to eat up people who feel the exact emotions of this song. For her, she lost someone to death..someone close to her. For my friend Samantha, who lost Perry, after two yrs, I think if she hears this song anytime soon, she's gonna go insane again. They were supposed to get married, imagine......
.....But as for me, I try to avoid listening to this song, but tonight, after reading teressa's blog, I guess I have to. I hate to face up to these emotions, but this song is for YOU. Would u believe me, fi there's still hurt in me? It just won;t go away. Why dd u leave me. Why. There's a big hole in my heart, it;s now merely covered by bandages tht are pretneding to heal...
What a gd day!

I forced myself awake, coz I rpomised dear I would be at his place for breakfast!~ Especially after he made me drool online when he told me abotu all the chocolates and stuffs that autnie brought home FREEE last night! BUD I onli woke up an hr before noon, hwahwahwaaa...I decided not to sleep again coz that would probably have knocked me out till late noon.

I reached dear's ard 1230. I greeted Uncle as always, and asked over him, coz Im concerned abt his condition now. sun4 bian4 i asked him whether he has eaten lunch. he said " Im waiting for yr good friend to cook for me" HAHAHAHA. So dear and i prepared lunch for uncle and ourselves asap!. We fried corn beef, with sliced onions, and I beat two eggs, and we thre wit in! WOO. But we kinda overfried it, and it got quite dry. SUPERBLY not dear's standard. hahahaa. But it wasn't tht bad la, it was the cleaning tht was bleah =p Auntie already cooked the rice and soup like she always does, so we just reheated it all up. Lunch was nice : ) Love it when I prepare lunch with dear! it's just a sweet thing to do together..even washing the dishes becomes soo plesant...hahahaa

done with lunch, we watched some tv and fiddled with his new IPOD VIDEO!! =) OHMYGOOOOSH, 60GB KK! It's BLARY good, I already tesated it, FREAGGING HELL......dear says it's 749 bucks if we buy it..whoa, but apparently way more worth while than the zen....seriously, if i get it, I'd never need radio already..the sound is gorgeous, sexy...aluring..hahaha

I had stupid diarrhoea again, and had to rest...napped for more than an hr...while dear loaded songs into his ipod in the living room...i woke up in time for simpsons and yuner and i were so happy hahahaa....

Thereafter i went for pageant prac, and dear went to meet edo for KING KONG...guys, i told u it's STUPID geesh.....

I dont wana comment on pageant prac...it was...haiz..nvm...freda, thx for the nail polish!

kk gtg...tmr is pay bills day...buy pressies day, then offf to work~!

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

SHOPPING!!!!!!!

I used to deny that i love shopping, BUT I DO I DO I DO! I went into EVERY SINGLE SHOP in far east plaza today, and im one damn happy gurl! I finally got myself a nice top to wear for Xmas (halter, uhhum) Gosh, my eyes were a blurr as I stepped into each shop. What met my eyes were beautiful clothes, accessories GALORE (and i dont exeggarate one bit), shoes and more GALORE....I wish I could buy off all the lovely bohemien skirts, all the lovely tops, (and some were really nice and some very different style altogether, from what i normally am seen in), all the ALLLLLLL the lovely accessories..GOSH GOSH GOSH!!!!! . FAR EAST cannot finsih shopping! I didnt even go to the basement! I septn a good few hrs just on the first THREE levels... THT bad. It beats HEEREN even though HEEREN is nice..and cine too..but it's realli competeing with BUGIS STREET. WHOA MAN. im one fucking happy gurl. hahahahaahahahahaha

I got harri something smaLL TOO! (after she and simon went off to airport) heee... it was GREAT seeing them again, and both of them are looking better than ever! Not just in appearance and health and style, but are also LOOKING good together as a couple...happy for them.

I bought my kris kringle something too..hope the person likes it..hehehehehe...

Went for CAROLING practise tonite, and it was another good and fulfiling one...so happy. Im all ready to shoot on sunday! heheheheh...

gosh, thts all have to say. Today is good. Yesterday was good. I hope tmr will be good too.

BTW, i want to add smth else to my list...XMAS list...CORINNE MAY CD! PLUS, make tht two items..tht lovely cross pendent from TAKA jewellery!!!

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

k. Gonna try summarise what's been going on.

Ive been busy catching up with friends like Christine, Harri, dear of coz, and besides work, also busy with caroling practices, pageant practices, and cantor practices. I'm fully booked for the nights this week, just with all these. Oh yes, been singing for a hella lot of weddings as well. SHEESH.

Just wana pen down that dear and i had a really good sat evening last week. I was very happy. The weddings I sang for were good as well. BEing a soprano leader of approx 40 strong section is one hella a job. The things i have to keep track with, si so freaking not funny. The expectations are..just as, if not heavier.

Today, I met chris to watch Perhaps Love. It was BLARDY good. Anybody watched moulin rouge? Well, this was a chinese version, with it's own style and character. I love such arty shows that are all comlicated in the beginning. I seem to love movies that travel in time. 2046, the hours, Hero, were just a few that did that. Screw with our minds, but give us a beautiful story line, visually captivating and definitely heart warming. Of coz I oogled at my takeashi, who isnt tht straight, but wth rite...However, the dude's role wasn't much compared to the gorgeous Zhou Xun. My goodness, she is beautiful. They weren't wrong when they said she probably will be the next Zhang Zhiyi.

LAst week, I caught Chicken Little at PS and tht show was just dumb la. The only thing I liked abt it were the values that were being taught to the viewers, through chicken little's eperiences and setbacks.

What do I want for Christmas? I mentioned that i just wanted a lovey dovey one, and a successful one for my choir. Yes, it's true. The desire for pressies just ain't here this yr. BUTTT, since some asked, HAHA, I shall list the impossible, just to please mysefl. : ) girnz. Actually the list below is more like what I really wana get for myself.

Starting with gadgets
-handphone
-camera
-mp3 player
-webcam
-laptop

VCD Box sets
-Meteor season 2
-Simpsons
-O.C
-FRIENDS
-Ally Mcbeal
-Gilmore Girls
-Small Ville
-Buffy

Accessories
-More watches
-More bracelets/bangles/wrist bands
-More belts
-More bags (sling and back)

Clothes
-More tops!!
-More jeans!!
-More formal wear
-More skirts!!!
-More jackets! (baleno pink, white, or blue)

Footwear
-ohgawd more Slippers
-More shoes!!

cds
-marion raven
-matilda tao
-chai chun jia
-John Legend
-Hilay Duff
-Electrico
-Bravery

OHHH stef sun concert ticket pls! hahaha

Anything from bugis street is SUPERB. Anything from Cine leisure, Heeren shops, Far east ARE ALL WELCOMED !! I just love all the girly shops there!

hahaha, wow thts a long greedy list man! Actually u know what i want from dear?? heee..I want his love, his cooking, his assurance, his understanding, OUR PHOTOS!!!(hint dear, hint*, but Ive always wanted something symbolic. I wish I had a ring to wear.... : ) It doesnt have to be anything customised, or carot golds or silvers man..i ahte those...i just want a ring from him.. : ) Oh man...I saw a PRETTY PRETTY cross from taka jewellery, 19 bucks onli leh!! AGHHH heheheheee

HAHA, i forgot to tell u all something superb! While I was chatting with christine last nigjt, we realised that we both shared the same liking for alot of chinese singers! I mean it's already so crazy that we both like photos, movies, (coming from FSV), but the same singers even! Then today she brought me a WHOLE BAG of cds and vcds...she is CRRRRAAZY man! Now ive got like...loads of sammie cheng (oh thts her fav), guang liang ping guan, chen xiao dong, qu mei jing, stef sun, etc...hahahaaa...as u can tell, these are very "old" artists...these were all popular during my sec schl days, or rather her jc days...hahaha

OLRITE. So much for a short and sweet entry. Always wanting to share so much hehehee..i shall go now..coz i am farking tired today k..farking tired.....have i forgotten anything?? hmmmmmmm......-pauses-....nopes...okays, shall pen off...nites!

Saturday, December 10, 2005

~...Happiness is when u r light hearted, yr feet walks the righteous path, your hand does acts that bring joy to the pple you love... ( quote of the day)

: ) I have solo parts for xmas pagent!! =) So, on Xmas eve night, i will be in church. I wont be caroling already, as i will be needed for the 8pm and 11pm pagents. I AM SOLOING! : ) wohoo..with weiyi also. thts nice, man.

Tonight's prac was kewl. =) I had a GODO night........... BUT.






dad fucking ruined it, with shouting at me like some mad......

i m boiling inside, not becoz he shouted at me for not doing smth i have been told to do many times ( switch off comp switches after use), but becoz of mum's continuous obsession with me..Nick says i have a BAD attitude, and this will carry on to work life. I didnt say anything. I dont wana make him more angry, so i kept quiet. But wow mum insists on her way too, how ironic,he say if i do this at work, i will kena..okk...but i wonder then if mum was working, WHAT would happen to her then? will she insist on hr way? NO WADD...coz ure at work wad. So dont say my theory abt home is home and work is work doesnt make one bit of sense coz it still does.

JUST yesterday, i was talking to chris late late late at nite after she got home..and i could very calmly tell her: basically i know why they are angry with me, coz i dont do things their way, and i dont fit into what they want..i dont listen..if i did...everything would be smooth, but not to my conscience. The way i said it, i understood, and she said I was mature to at least be able to tell her tht.Why this was brought up, wasnt on purpose, but becoz she said her mum told her to go have fun when she went pubbing last nite (a very rare thing for her). and she couldnt understand why her mum let her, and said tht to her. I said, it's like how mum and dad treat nick. COMPLETE trust and know tht u can take care of yrself. She said " wow' mel the fact tht u understand tht says smth". ( not her exact words). So thts when i told her, i just dont display tht kind of responsibilty in front of them, or self discipline or anything becoz i had long ago, decided tht it's pointless to go on trying to prove and earn tht trust and approval from them. Coz there's this self fulfiling prophecy going on already, and as much as we love each other, there's this hate as well.

I did notice and was very touched when mum left her new dish and soup for me to try when i got home tht nite. And i wasnt even back home from work. (it wasnt like i lied). I was home from church meeting. This week many times i tot of mopping the floor, but never did, and i think dad must be FUMING inside. mon, wed, thur i went out..i tot of doing on tues before work or fri..but the days tht i wana do, i always end up feeling tired or sick. NOT on purpose.

At the back of my head, im worried abt cash, bills, my new job and whether it suits me, how im gonna cope, but also abt the shifting thing. Chris keeps reminding me, to start planning, JUST in case dad and mum do ask me to shift. I havent been in the mood to tok to nick abt this,coz this will onli upset both of us, but when the time comes we'll have to. Chris says to ask dad and mum abt it, whether they are serious. I told her, im hoping by some miracle, they'll forget and it'll never happen. But i know my parents. These kinda things, they wont forget. They'll Put up ( why i say this..becoz they cant stand most of me) with me till end jan, and then sit me down and one of those conversations or "confrences" will happen. and then dad will ask me what have i done in the past months to deserve a place in this house, and becoz i can forsee i'll just not do anything, i'll be asked to leave, or to be able to live here, with my room and nick, i have to pay the price of their ruling. Realli, if it was so simple, i would do so pple. So i dont know, let's wait and see?? I told chris it's not tht i don't want to plan, but thinking abt ti now, aint gonna help.

Guess i just dont wana face it. full stop. I have enough on my mind already.





BTW. my line might get cut, or i mite not be able to call out. so will let u all know if i have a pre paid card. PAY coming in soon. hope to settle bills soon! and buy nick's and dear's xmas pressie!!!!! : )

Dear, we're one yr this dec 17th...r u happy? : ) I cant wait to wish u dear!




r u happy?


Im just wondering why u didnt tell me u were going out otday. It's quite interesting. after a yr, i think we both know when we each need space to ourselves, and im always for it, tht much u know. but i tot u would at least tell me before u went out tht, u were going to. I wasnt sure how to react, even though u told me later...oh wells...u didnt get my usual morning msg..so before i woke, i receoved yrs...but even then i realli didnt know what u were doing today...ten again, last nite neither f us said gd nite, or asked abt each other..i think we were quite sian of each other last nite...today.....i didnt know what to say.....i know this is weird...i know this is a funny request...but.......dear, can i just ask u to tell me HOW much u love me? i just need to know. NOW. im an idiot, i know...sorry....i mean, DUH i know and it shows how much u care..but i donnoe..i just need you to tell me.

Friday, December 09, 2005

It takes a min to like someone
An hr to appreciate someone,
a day to love someone,
and a lifetime to forget someone.


-stop the tears, pls.-
Im lying to myself. I cant forget...everything can seem to not be relevent, or relate anymore, but nothing can make the mind forget...im lying to myself...i miss you.
Nikky's loggie made me wana write again..hahaha, though i dont know where to start.

Since my last post, well, things have just been on hiatus...I have been going out alot...quite tired...also had a failed jam session, some probs at work, spent more time with dear this week, and met christine finally...did my urine test at raffles, but still gotta wait till 20th to meet dr tseng for the eye appt. Today met dear, and later went to watch chicken little. It had such a warm plot, but was ABSOLUTELY ruined by the aliens. Not every cartoon can have aliens la. Went home with dear. He's been the sweetest really.

Sorry about all the thoughts and thoughts and thoughts...he's realli the best. Patrick is still trying to woo me. But I really am not interested in tht way whatsoever. Just trying to find a chance to tell him so. But not hurt him in the process. I think shawn and i remain as ex-es, as good frens there for each other and thts enuff.

Weiyi has pop-ed. Steffie is coming home tmr. Nikky's Benji pop-ed as well. And just found out Clarence pop-ed same day as weiyi. I really dont know how to describe the relief i feel tht, now my heart doesnt flutter ONE INCH for weiyi anymore. In fact, what pissed me off was tht as gd frens, he just didnt seem to bother much anymore. But other than tht...i realised i realli dont care too much abt him in any way else anymore. WOW. feels good.

I was sooo vexed remember, tht day tht i had so many friends asking me out but couldnt make it...coz dear was my no one choice..but i found a way..and well, if meant to meet, will meet loh..so now..hahahaha...i solved my probs..super dont make sense....excuse me pls...

every couple has problems...but we go with the flow..see how it works...dear's dad is outta hospital. THK GOD.

Tonight, I was so tempted to go find him again. WHY??? But I decided not to. Becoz I already made the decision to forget and heal. the more u try, the more it wont happen. Singapore aint big. One day we will bump, and have to face it sooner or later. i think im beginning to realise who is the onli other person who can make my heart feel messy again. It's no one else tht ive mentioned above in name..it's this one person..but i rationalise..and see tht actually in the long run, it just aint possible la.

Im always afraid of those who say they wana go overseas. But dear mite too. The diff is tht im with him. So we'll see how. Sometimes I feel like migrating too .

Ok uys..here's the RUNDOWN for my xmas performances!! PLS COME AND SUPPORT!!!!!

The Legends, Fort Canning
-18th dec, sun, 1.45-2.15pm
-24th dec, sat, 7.30-8pm
-25th dec, sun, 1.45-2.15pm

OLPS church
-Xmas Pagent before Mid night mass 11pm, 24th dec
-Xmas day mass.

hahaa thts ALOT U KNOW!!! My practices are EVERY NITE LOL. Im cantoring this weekend!

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

I really hate feeling confused. I really hate when confusions are already so messy and I am not even sure the reasons behind these confusions. I hate it when Im at a point that I have to make decisions, and I just don't want to. Some things just need time. i can't rationalise like this. Not at the demands of even myself.

I hate it when there are things i just have to handle myself, and thinking abt it really can drive me crazy. I can't even tell dear, because..it would involve him as well. Agh, I hope this 'goes off" soon.

....neways, I spent the day with dear, as he had off : ) Yay. Maybe tmr he mite also not have detail, bud he still had to bk in tonigjt, coz of new ruling. He has been getting very bad mosquito bites and it's worrying me.

I was REALLY quite popular today, I MUST SAY : ) *WINKS*. If dear didn't have a day off, i would have been spedning my day with either of these individuals!!: Christine (for her mediacal checkups), Shawn, (if he had off), Pat, (If I really had no one to hang with), or Ivy (who callled me during the day). ALL OF THEM asked me if I was free today ..HAHA oh man. I was so muddle headed, coz I had to turn them all down. I felt so bad, I kept thinking abt it the entire day! But somehow, I hope to make it up to each of them soon. SOMEHOW. haiz. Time constraints...geesh, even though im like so free.
HAHA. But this week, i actually have quite ALOT of choir stuff going on., wed and fri i have two practices for caroling and pagent. Sat, two weddings. Sun Im cantoring. WOWWOWWHEE. hahaa.

Just a thought to share: When yr heart softens for someone at any point, and u say or do the wrong things..u can get yrself into a lot of shitte. YAR....i think all of us tend to be afraid of tht.

...hmm...ive been thinking abt alot of things lately, i suppose u can tell..since i keep writing stuiff to sugguest so, but am just so uncomfortable writing any details out. Just hope things become clear to me soon. Emm...sometimes i wish i knew what my future is...just so i can decide right now. AHAHAAA...if onli.

IN SHORT. I am troubled. Pretty hurt still by the past, and not sure, very uncertain of my future in terms of everything. And also, i hope I dont have to shift out, even though tht would mean free and easy..but without nick ard...but i know as hell, im making them more and more upset...but everytime i wish i dont have to..it's quite complex to explain.

Work tmr..haiz..another probelm. EVerytime something happens at work, i et these EYES staring back at me when i come for my next shift...i hope tmr will go ok..esp if PAT isnt gonna be ard..oh man

Monday, December 05, 2005

dear MADE and COOKED hot dog for me, when I went over to his place for lunch today. Let me explain the cooking/making process:

Using a frying pan, firstly he made cuts in the cold sausages, and fried them. OOO the smell. YUMM
He sloced the bun, and fried it too!
Then he took out tomato paste, and COOKED THE PASTE!! WOO, with Basil, pepper, and some other funky stuff. The paste is PIPPING HOT, not to mention, DELICIOUS. Then, dear puts the sausage into the bun, topped with the new paste, a slice of cheese, and starts to met the cheese over the fire.

Finally, microwave the hot dog. I say The saying " a way to a man's heart, is thru his stomach" really should be reversed. THANK YOU DARLING ; ) i always love the food u cook for me. Ure MY CHEF!! *lol* Muaks.

Joyce came for mass, accompanied of coz, by Daryl : ) Gosh, I was so happy to see her again. Six long months! We went to Different Taste for dinner, and proceeded to TCC for dessert. I don't know what got into me, but I ate a HELLA LOT of food tonight. HAHA, Only to have them come out the other ay later. GRINS. Im amazing, arent i! hahahaha. Today was much better, definitely surrounded by people who love me, care for me...and who are part of my happiness in life.

Choir was good too. I look forward to my weekends. I really do. I felt so much joy singing during mass again. Im too tired at the moment, to put up lyrics, but the songs are amazingly powerful. God, thank you. Forgive me for my wrong doindg,s for my sins. Look upon my misguided ways, with mercy and understanding. For your child, is still very lost

Sunday, December 04, 2005

on Godbro's request; To cheer him up (since i can onli solve other people's probs and not mine) ^_^--5 facts abt myself that are true, weird and funny:

#1- i like to pinch my stupid pimples, even though people are watching

#2- i can make a realli loud sound with my tongue. NOT everyone can do tht k! Heee =)

#3- I learnt tht tampons expand when soaked in water, becoz godbro and i witnessed it together! LOL.

#4- i don't like to sit femininely. I hate heels too. My footwear ALWAYS become lobsided with time : )

#5- french kising is soo much better hahahaha. NoNo, honestly, pecking the cheek several times is sweeter =)

There, DONE! Hope u laughed godbro. Im always here for you...take care, luff u bro
ONLI ONE GD THING HAS HAPPENED TODAY: JOYCE IS HOME ^_____^
I'm 20 years too late. There's no time for me to catch on. Things are speeding up too fast, I'm not ready to catch on.
Today was one of the worst days ive felt, and had . Some days are emoionally torturing. Some days are utterly boring, but today, was a busy but absolutely unbearable day.
Things went really wrong at work today. I regret it now, but at that point in time, I was so upset, hurt, humiliated, looked down upon, pissed, accused, that I couldn't have the tolerance to hold it all back. Esp when it came from a senior colleague whom ive never liked, and she's always had smething against me. I wonder what's gonna happen from now. I cannot forget it. It was a long day at work, and a most disappointing, tragic end to the work shift. It made me feel like dirt. I had no capacity to apologise directly, because I was so insulted. On a sat at tht. I keep thinking to myself, how am I going to be a teacher, when i cant even handle this sorta job, with one such person among all my colleagues? They are right, I'm so blurr, so slow, so incompetent, how am i ever going to teach kids, and face parents?? Dad's company has such a idiot, and every company has. What's gonna happen to me? Dad and mum scold me for not doing work properly, to the way they want it, and always half way. Today, I get a scolding for tht at work. I've learnt. I've also gladly remembered tht cartel has a hell lot of politics too.

Dear couldn't come out today, and I had an awful feeling abt it already. I never feel comfortable when i cant see him on sats, esp when Im working such an early morning shifts. I was very uneasy abt the jam tonite, and true enuff, my sixth sense seemed to have kicked in well. ALL THAT PRACTISE for nothing. I hoped so much, tht it would be a great jam, in a good studio, with our plans carried out ...but it was such a free jam, that the keyboardist didnt turn up, emma and calvin, had three other friends with us, and it was very obvious that they enjoyed much more the genre of rock and roll. Where did i stand , then? I felt out of place, almost immediately into the jam session. Smoke breaks came shortly, and I just couldn't take it. I felt so utterly un-needed, if I could create such a word. The mics there were fucked, and the one song I sang was off pitch so much, I think emma purposely ended the song early, though she said she didnt noe. Where do I put my face? I took a freaking cab down, coz I was darn tired and upset after work. Onli to leave onr odd hr later. I wasnt needed there. They were having so much fun. But of coz, they do play well.They play very well, a vocalist isnt needed to improve thier jam sessions, seriously, with all due respect. They groove and gell so smoothly to the beats of the drummer.

DISAPPPOINTMENT. I made my way home. i couldnt have caught Harry Potter with Shawn and company tonite. I didnt get to. Harri was in Orchard as well, but I? Today was a really painful one for me. This day has brought about many thoughts and bottled up anger and frustrations, of how irritated I am, that I have lost close friends recently, and no one really is around for me much now. Even nick didnt wana listen to everything I had to say. Wrestling more impt. =( I'm just so ..messed up these days. There's no better word for it. I'm confused as well. Harri, has gotten used to the fact tht I can't go out with her much anymore..and thus we have, drifted, no matter how much we try to keep in contact. i can't meet up with her much at all now. Rene has left me for good, and these were the two buddies who kept me busy online for months and months...we were close buddies..who hung out alot. Where were they, now, and today? *harri, btw, this is generalising, for the part abt u...*. Weiyi is now property of laopo, and he's completely lost the zest of yacking with me, esp since he enlisted. Literally, all my buddies...gone. THEN. These few start contacing me these days, with the exception of christine, coz of our NIE thing. She has asked me to go with her on MON to SGH for her checkup, but the thing is, IM NOT blaming dear...but I MYSELF barely have time for him, he's no matter what, more impt than the rest. So mon he's free, he ranks ONE. BUT.... my POINT IS. Im irriated, coz...week after week, due to his really unpredictable schedule, and i want of coz, definitely, to spend time with him, i have to always lie abt my work shifts...add a nite or so, so tht i can have SOME barely decent time with him in the entire week. LIKE THIS WEEK. if i didnt lie, I wont get to see him at all. But i got to see him five hrs on thurs, and for a bit tmr. I'm SO TIRED. So, i feel bad towards christine, the gurl who lately shows care every nite, consoles me thru msn, and is there for me. then SHAWN. Shawn asked to meet up tonite, I couldn't and the fucked up jam totally pissed my heart off k. And he asked how abt tmr? But I wana spend time with dear....so I hope this week, they'll be a nite I could possibly have dinner with him, if he's not in camp (shawn). And, ...PAT has been into me lately..this is a little hard to take..with shawn calling more now, being there for me, online or phone, and pat, calling me every nite, becoming friends with me, and doing sweet things liek buying me breakfast this morning. He even remembered what i told him to get . GOSH. I know he likes me, the calls have been obvious. But we did make it clear, friends ...thts the best. I just dont weana hurt him, coz he's a nice person. Likewise I dont wana hurt shawn, becoz he's my ex. And tonight, I received calls from both of them...and their consoling helped heaps.

Dear kept msgsing..and I missed him loads...today, esp, when tht woman and i fought at work and i broke down, I needed him so bad. God is testing me lately, with shawn back in my life, pat coming into my life, dear still by my side, and these kinda things happening on a day tht i cant be with him. It tests me, coz I know who it is, I really want by my side...but these calls, are kinda distracting...it makes me think things...

SO. This week, how difficult it is to spend some time with dear. I feel bad abt shawn asking a few times already, abt rejecting christine's request, and then there's this yearning for time out with harri. My quest to patch with ren has died off, or surrendered already. But with memories constantly nagging me, and these new additions, my mind is going a bit haywire.
THIS WEEK. Wed, dear asked me to go far east with him. I WISH I COULD HAVE. But i had to stay home, coz I didnt wana make them unhappy. Esp after mon nite's conference. Things at home are ayy messy for me. So mon, i had to be home early. Tues, i had work, dear was free. Wed, he was free, i had to stay home. Thurs, we had SOME time coz i bluffed. Fri, Pat asked mi out for dinner at bedok, to go shan shan xing...walk walk...and I WISH AS HELL i could have gone, just to take my mind off things, but cannot. TODAY?/ He is out now, and I cant be with him. TMR church early..how?? And at nite, he wants to go free jams...how i wish i can go with him..and then be with him thru the nite. We REALLI dont have much time, not even A DAY with each other these days....

OK. Today's anger aside This week's schedule frustrations aside. What happens when u have distractions? Is it wrong to be distracted? Is it a guilt i shld feel, or is it normal? They say when ure with one u truly love, u dont think of anyone else. And up till now, dear is still my choice, coz we've been thru so much, and i love him..for the specialness of himself, and us. But others start showing care...and it starts to urk...u donnoe how to say no...as in hurt them by not caring back...and then u remember old distractions...

Choices in life. Shawn gave a gd example. Like what happened to me at work today. It was my choice at tht time, to have made a scene in the end. Now I may regret it, and though it may not have ben a gd choice, it was still a choice. In life, it is such. U have to make choices, whether ure ready or not to make them. And we have to live with them, and just make the best out of them. We have to know why we made those choices, and remember and stick by them. I was discussing this matter with shawn, and he too, was saying, there's no definite right or wrongs in life, and this has been my stand on things as well, coz everyone seems things differently, EXCEPT tht onli at work, everything becomes ARMYish. but in our personal lives, to say it is immoral to feel distractions for eg, may not also be wrong, if let's say a person is with somoene, tht is THE ONE for tht person, then they will last. But what if they break off, and they end up with other people tht are RIGHT for them? Then it isnt a wrong choice. Some wrong choices are made, so tht right choices will be made later, or some right choices are made, but what seems right, ends up being wrong...

I hate choices, and Ive learnt over the yrs, esp recent yrs, tht some choices need ages to decide. But think abt this, even making a choice of not making a definite choice then, is ALSO still a choice u made. If u delay a decision, tht delay affects other decisions. It's realli up to you, whether u can live by yr decision made. Alot of things are realli up to us to decide. Coz, as selfish as this may sound, it is true tht, in d end, u ans for yrself and yrself alone. I'm very confused. I'm very upset by today, and I honestly dunnoe what my future, even near future is gonna be like. Im very worried. Hah, thinking too much and being unhappy or happy is also a decision and a choice. But sometimes, emotions make us do these things and I for one, cant control them. SO much for me always saying im big. I am, but some things im still just too young, to comprehend fully. i wish i could, though.

- im pissed with today, totally. Nothing went right.
-Im upset with my loss of friends, whatever reason it is.
-im sick and tired of not having enuff time, for myself, dear, dont mention for my few friends. it is a chore just tryingt o arrange to meet.
-I dont know if i am going to succeed, the way im going. I dont know whats wrong with me, but the way im handling things now, certainly isnt all tht good.
-each to his own. seriously. other than work, everything in this world, can be fucked ard with, and twisted. No one person is totally rigt or wrong. No one person's outlook is KING.

-I'm NOT just complainng abt all this becoz Im SOO SOO SOO UPSET TODAY. I just wish cetain decision i can make up my mind and know whether it is the right choice.
-AND, I dont know how im gonna face the even more realistic working world UNDER MOE mind you, if I cant even go thru something like today's ordeal. Becoz I know, I will shoot, as long as im unhappy. Im not from army, i dunnoe whot o do this...HOW.

Friday, December 02, 2005

I'm under the weather today.
Not well, heart is heavy, and no mood for anything.
I'm carrying too much baggage with me.
Not evrn my bro can/will be able to understand it.
Coz it's me. I've just got so much on my mind. As much as I'm unwell today, there are some friends I really wana meet up with now. If dear was ard, i just wana go to the beach with him, and lie down on the sand with him. Don't care abt what time of the day it is, like last time. But everyone's not ard for me anymore, save for dear i love so much.

Mum is not well, again, and I highly suspect it's becoz of me.
Dad will be home anytime soon, with dinner bought.
Pat asked me out for dinner tonight. For a change, I wish I could've just not bothered abt anything else, and said yes. Have dinner with someone completely out of my circle. Where are the peeps in my circle anyway? I'm not being accusing, or putting blame on anyone, at least not exactly. I know some of them, honestly are busy with other things now. I miss my stef too.

It's been three days, and I still can't ut my mind to practising my jam songs for tmr nite. I gotta sleep early tonite, work is 7am tomorrow.

I think he had planned and decided long ag, to forget me, to erase me, to release me , to exit from my life. I dont know how one can plan tht. I know it's possible. Wouldn't tht have hurt so much? And for this blurr girl here, to have noticed it so much later, and try hard to get him back, i hope must have hurt him more. I say hope, becoz if is what I wana believe. Coz if he was cold abt the whole thing, tht will be harder to acept.So, for me to say that I wana "leave" now, maybe is a td too late, coz he already "left" long ago.

I think i should make an announcement now. I've been wanting to say this for very long, and it's been on my mind for the longest time. As long as I have the measn to, I will do this. If I have a break before NIE next yr, I am definitely, no doubt abt it, going for a holiday. A really long, overdue holiday. I wana go with dear to Melbourne. Not too far away, and not totally unknown place to me. I've been to Gold coast, but I wana go to Melbourne> dear knows the place well, and we both have friends who live there. Namely, Seand and Jean's family lives there, His aunty, Michelle, lives there. Meliza will be studying there, and so will Joyce, (though tht is tasmania), and I don't care so much anymore. i must go. I need to be away from this place, a long enuff break. I'll go, for a month even, if I can. I really really have wanted it for so long. I don't want to keep having so many considerations, for this person or tht. Consequences to this matter, is something I already brushed aside, long ago. Control me, throughout my life, say things abt me, anyone, pls..but this holiday, is a reprieve I'm dying to have. Somewhrere new, somewhere fresh, somewhere, where i can leave this baggae aside for a while, and have some fun there.

Dear Harri, Dear, Rene, Weiyi, Stef, Joyce, tinybox friends, emage friends, poly friends, schl friends, chruch friends..i miss u all.
Nick has been realli funny these two days. prob coz he knows im not too cheerful, he's been doing all sorts of things to cheer me up. haha, thanks nick. I haven't forgotten u yah. Love u
I feel much better...after crying it out..though my eyes feel realli bulgy now. I hope I wont cry again tonite. My head is spinning, too many thoughts running thru my head....what's wrong with me.
whoa hwoa!! Godbrobro nick chan woke me up today!!! If not I prob would have overslept for WERK!!! ARGHHH .....Work was good, and I was happy, though a tiny bit sleepy. Pat was ard at work today, and we finally mustered the courage to talk abt certain things, coz I didn't know how to clarify the matter with him. It's good, now I feel better, that we're definitely starting on friends basis. I mean, the guy is nice..so I dont wana reject him like the way i reject other guys i cant be bothered abt. I have a heart, for those who have hearts hehehehe =) In the first place, we already were nice colleagues to each other. I hope he's ok...I just wana be friends with him...

After work, I dropped by seven eleven, and bought hot chocolate, esp. after shawn (toh) mentioned it while we were online some time ago..i just love hot choc..makes me go WHEHEHEHEE, like tht hahahaha...and also got both of us SNICKERS yellow bars! *dear loves snickers lar* hehe.

I dont know what i did at work, but I slit my finger a tiny thin thin line, and it fuggging hurts la dey.... and also after dinner at dear's, i got an outbreak of rashes on both my arms..FARk...It's better now, though. *phew*

I seem so lost without dear these days..what's happening to me...and yet some days like tonite, I wonder whether he needs more time to himsfel, as usual..im always thinking tht thought, (when i know he wants me ard)...I dunnoe whether this stems from loneliness, since my best friends are BOTH not by my side anymore...and tht things at home, save for kor who still loves me no matter how and what, is not too good. This same neeed for dear's being ard me, is like tht same feeling I felt when I was back at Harri's, and I was all alone. Weird. Ya. It's like I'm living by myself again. ...Prob cause i caused it, hell I don't know.

But whatever happens, I honestly believe i have a dear who realli loves me alot. He cares so much, I am in disbelief..tht someone can love me like this...it's just tht sometimes he doesn't always show it. And tht isn't a bad thing la, coz if he overdoes it, quite the scary also lar , rite...hahaha

I think i feel alot better abt my sense of loss over losing Rene. Coz after randomly flipping thru the CLEO mag today, there was an article on " HOW TO DEAL WITH GRIEF". It had a few sections; namely,(1) how to deal with loss of a loved one, a boy or girlfriend, thru breakups, accidents or deaths. The another section was on (2) how to deal with loss of a friend, esp those who had significant places in our hearts. Thst why i keep saying there's a difference and never wanted any of you to misunderstand. The article helped greatly, cause now I don't feel ashamed for feeling so down after losing this best friend. I thought it was wrong, esp. coz Ren is a boy, and we had shared a "love" of best friends. The article stated, it's harder to let go, esp. when u donnoe what u did wrong, and tht this friend tht u had poured yr heart out to, has now suddenly exited yr life. Do what u can to salvage it, BUT, if it is realli a lost cause, forget it. We only hope in time, they'll come round. ---> Ren, for the final last time, I'm sorry, I'm very sad, and I love you, my best friend. -u know exactly what i feel-
Melisa, too, I tot I could still hang ard with her. I tot I could still tok with her, and share stuff together, but after a few weeks of trying to ask her out, and u guys know how hard it is for me to get out, I have kinda given up. She remains my best friend, like Rene, and I will always be there for them..but i also know some point in life, yr best friend will drift from u, and like bf's and gf's...we all need our own space. She is discovering new kinds of pple and love..and I wish her all the best..and as long as she is safe, im happy for her. But i miss her alot, if onli she knew. But she onli has yunwen now...everyday, nite and sec is yunwen...But i understand her, so to a certain extent, I dont blame her. Like the days it wa Harri and I, all the time...I miss those fun days with Harri. We were hanging out like every nite...

I am , really quite a loser, sometimes, I have to admit. Like dad said, if every job I cant do well in, and every other friend, I have problems with, there must be something wrong w ith me. But, I've learnt. I get myself into these things, these hurts, I dealw ith them, BESIDES, my life has always been a DRAMA hasn't it? heh. r..ite. I am really selfish, maybe.

been mood-less for anything lately. Wana practise for my jam session, but just so "steamless" and I hate this fucked up feeling. Tonite, when dear was practising, I wish so much he would hug me for the longest time, coz it's just so hard having any time with him. But I knew he too, prob felt a bit tight on time, since he had to go back in tonite as well. Haiz....

Another thing I SHLD be worried abt, yet it doesn't seem so impt to me. MOE. I dont know if my eyesight will be approved to teach. OH SHIT. Actually, yes, with my curent situation, i SHOULD BE WORRIED. fuck. Haven't even arranged to see dr tseng yet ....sheeeeet.

I've deleted yr numbers, deletd yr account, deleted every possible thing, but im not sure, whether i wish the memories can be deleted like with the press of a computer key. I find myself crying over u right now...

I dont know which im sadder over. dad and mum asking me to leave again, possibility of not getting into MOE, having little money for the next few months, or you...the hurt, seems to be stemming from you.

I wish ure with me now, dear.......yet I dont know how to explain this to you...