Birthdays!

OCTOBER... i didnt realise SO MANY BIRTHDAYS LEHHH!!

Oct 1 Teressa's
Oct 2- Freda's
Oct 5- His
Oct 9- Jun hua's
Oct 18- Lisa's
Oct 25- Gab's
Oct 29- Sammie's and Audrey's
Oct 30- Jared's

OH MAN!!!


well. LIBRANS. heres to ALL U REALLY ... NICE people...!

Friday, 29th September 2006

Today was wow. Work. I mean like from 9am-12am.
It was children's day celebration and we had a ton of food. I wasnt hungry for dinner even. The kids were all really happy, and not only did they receive gifts from the school, they received from us teachers, and even the principal. They had gifts from the games played also. damn crazy. To add onto that, my class's Yik Ming celebrated his tenth birthday. He gave out EVEN MORE presents. OH MAN.

There was so much food. We had a dont-know-how-many-kg cake, that was a hundred and eight dollars, we had polar cake mustard puffs and swiss rolls, we had pop corn, snacks, and a variety of drinks, PLUS we had food cooked by the school's chefs; which was western food today. ohmygawd. And the kids were all so handsome and pretty. All of them were dressed up in either very girly dresses that glittered and glowed, or they were in shirts and pants for kids. Either that or they were in princess or prince like clothes. We had a tinkie winkey, a batman, a superman, and identical clothes even.

After work, I headed straight to Blujaz. Worked till 1230am. I cudnt push on anymore. Tammy and Sarah's friends came by to have drinks as well. Wah.

You know what I love about working in Blujaz? I seem to have all the energy even after a day's work. And Im so happy serving and so hyper, that people notice. The band noticed even. The band was awesome btw. Totally rocks. They have different bands every thurs, fri and sat now... wow. And I felt happy they noticed me, praised me, and all. One of them who is Tammy's friend, spoke to me, and said that my bubbly, lively character is so like shining thru me. It's great. And earlier in schl, my principal said they like my bubbly character, but if only i knew how to show tht more to the kids. Hah. And anyway getting back to that guy, he has a daughter around my age, and he was sharing stuff with me and all.. and I find it funny how I seem so alive on the outside.. compared to on the inside... and more than one customer said tht im so plesant and all. U know how one usually doesnt notice waitors or waitresses too much? The band even dedicated a song to me. WOW.

I really do enjoy working at blujaz. Uncle there always jokes "you're the best" hahaha. and he means, beautiful and fast! hahaha so i said, im fat ugly anf fast ! Hahaha. I find that, I notice evene, tht im at my best when I serve at blujaz. Im hyper, fast, good with the customers and just so naturally GOOD. Im not being proud but it really is tht way.

I was late for work today though, as in day job. Shit man, was cursing and swearing. I really gotta work on tht. But even though I slept early last night, I was so tired still. I shud try to think of the kids more when I wake up in the morning. Its a terrible feeling to get over the sleepiness in the first few hrs initially, and know tht u cant sleep till the nite...

But today was really awesome. I worked, taught my kids, went to blujaz, worked hard and all, toked to people, had positive comments,listened to a great band while at it, and felt great.

Im happy and satisfied and proud of myself.

Gtg gd nite. :)

...in her head again.......

mm how was today? it was bad... *breathes*

I went to watch devil wears prada a week or so back, and I really liked the movie alot. Very well done. The actress is oooo sooo gorgeous. And meryl Streep is SO GOOD. No doubt abt it.

Ohh myyy DAMIEN... RICE.... hahaha Damo Damo, wont you let me be.. your disciple...

Oh my LISA HANNIGAN.... I wana be your protege... pleeeeaaassse : ) haha

Rachael Yamagata... Can I be your student, Rachael? haha

When you're down and out, and you need a ...


When you're happy and you know it!

...in her head again.......

Im really too hurt to bother anymore. It just puts more needles into my heart and i dont feel anymore, coz the heart is dead and numb.

So. Please.

I was never much of an importance as yours, and I'm not even important as a friend.
So I lost on both counts.

So. Please.

Leave.


Cold Water- Damien Rice
Cold, cold water surrounds me now
And all I've got is your hand
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Or am I lost?

No one's daughter
Allow me that
And I can't let go of your hand
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Or am I lost?

Don't you know I love you
And I always have
Hallelujah
Will you come with me?

Cold, cold water surrounds me now
And all I've got is your hand
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Or am I lost?

Wednesday, September 2006

Wow. Let me summarise work and all, the past two days. I haven't been online, coz Im so damn tired. Having abt 4-6 hrs of sleep, and waking, really wanting to just close my eyes for a bit... but cannot. Work today was better than yesterday. Maths is becoming a problem. The poor kids, are now getting process skill analysis problems, or heuristics, and it's really mind bloggling. Let me explain- The problems havent changed! It's the way they write the questions that have gotten very tricky and confusing. Hmm, well, yes, maybe the probs too have become very complicated. Add this and thts, before u can get a simple answer. Ive been stuck with many questions tht took me a gd long while to solve, if not I cudnt solve at all. KILL ME. hahahaha. But Im wokring on it. I AM!

Trying my darnest to be punctual for work. I clocked in 9:04am today. I think it's still considered late. >.< -__-... damndamndamn... i have 6 dollars in my account HAHAHAHAH.. but just for these few days la.. haiz...

I love the kids.. but sometimes i forget tht they are p2, or p4 only...I LOVE ONE BOY THOUGH... his name is chew weh.. he is a child every parents wans. Hes cute, intelligent, well mannered, well behaved, creative, obedient, and AHHH so lovely to have around.

Yesterday, I went down to gramophone to pass Nai two cds. I walked straight past razi, and like i bought food and drink for nai too... i felt bad doing tht to razi.. but I had to. He just had to know my train of thought. Was super stoned after I got home. Did maths. hahaa

Tonight, I finally met up with the busy Harri too :))!! And simon!! Harri and I and Charles are all leading HECTIC lives now! hahaha, slowly.. all of our friends are starting to become busy working adults.... simon may be getting an interview at an oil wrick this fri. pay cud be good. i wish him the very best! :) Law is doing VERY well now in a cartoon company.. GOOD ON HIM! Well, I may have only JUST started, but by next yr, I hope to set a target to earn more! For now, I am busy too, making ends meet. I just took up a new assignment tht starts tmr evening. I am also resuming work at blujaz. Im waiting for a pending assignment coz tht one's really good.!

Fendi thoroughly disapointed me tht day by telling me LAST MIN tht he was on OT when i was already in town. I dont understand whats so difficult to have a bit more manners. Im just tired of these sorta things and have no more patience to tolerate such nonsense. Im scrapping the idea of doing a band with him. Really. I dont care and dont regret and dont want to noe the reasons.

I have no time for tht.
Right now, Im just crossing my fingers tht the upcoming jams will tie up loose ends and work new songs... and decide on the final set list. I am happy to day, tht my great buddy will be featuring in my set, and im most honoured to have him with me.

Ok. thts all. Gd nite.
Life's good, and hard, but thts fine :)

Im lovin it. YA HAHAHAA.

Gd nite everybody!

For Justicia:

Hey girl, wow, read yr blog, and uve been doing a ton of eating! Be careful dear! Not so much the fats, but yr health before u head to YORK! :)

I am amazed at the number of things uve managed to squeeze!!! Take care not to tire ok??? hahaha I cud never do so many things in one weekend like u! I'd be ill! Heehee...

Girl, please do update me on yr flight details nearer the day yea? And really shud at least meet ya up once before u go. :) Muaks. Sorry my bad. Ive been so caught up with work and illness hahahaa... muaks, mel

MOnday, 25th September 2006

[Abt... him]
A mutual friend said:

"All this time, it's been clear to me that it's over for him, mel"

"He won a prize wirth you last time, now the thrills elsewhere"

And the frend said more, but I don't wish to put it here. Some advice...


sighs. ouch big time. As I was on the bus this morning, I was a blank, coz it hurt right thru me. Just reading the first line over and over again. And thinking on all the times since the break up...sighs.

To be used, is one of the worst feelings ever.
To be used, esp becoz u have feelings, is even worse.

I've been foolish.
It's all like one big joke, played back on me, to teach me a lesson. or lessons.

For some strange reason, I just couldn't sleep last night. My mind was thinking too much, about everything, from him, to church, to work, to music. Ended up playing a bit of guitar again, which felt good. Somehow my guit sounds nicer to me now.

I can only pray for the best, really trusting God...


[Work]

I feel very stressed. Self induced, and also preasure from bosses. I need to improve on my maths and science FAST. I need to refresh my memory, and practise. Im getting struck so often with the problems. Today I encountered two tricky ones, and two tricky geometry ones. This is ridiculous!

The bosses are pretty demanding, but I'm determined to meet up and surpass their expectations. I really hope and want to. I have to be the boss's daughter's nanny as well. Argh. But I know I have to improve on mt maths and since I've been wanting to, now there is really a reason to do so. Those p5 probs are really not easy!! I took back one assesment book today, and will be spending some time doing maths later before I sleep. Im glad Im back to polishing my maths too, coz I loved maths in sec schl. So I shall be practising maths everyday from now on! : )

I have some good news too. I hope it works out! I was rather upset abt losing my tuition kid in tampines. But I prayed and asked God, if he feels I can handle it, to give me another assignment coz I need the money, and GUESS WAD? Tuition agency called me back today, and said that there's an assignment in KATONG!!! Two korean kids p3, and p5, ONLY wana learn conversation and pronunciation, coz they already have an eng tutor. This will take up my 1,3 and 5 every week. 30 an hr. :) 90 a week. : ) Pray for meee okies?? *cross fingers*.

Fark. Im so tired. But so contened. Im very driven right now, to work hard and really make all this work. Just give my best and see how it goes. The last time I felt so motivated for work, was sech schl-O levels to be exact.

i did make boo-boos though. I gotta be careful. Firstly, must becareful of what I say to kids, and no touching them. Second, I marked some questions wrongly :S Coz I saw wrongly.. aiyaaaaaa... :( I will make sure it doesn't happen again!

The shoes Im filling are VERY big seriously. My colleague Janessa, is leavin end Oct,a=and shes got 7 tuition kids after schl each day of the week. yet she starts work at 830am. O M G. - _ -. And she always looks so fresh and shes so so so quick at maths. She has been giving part time tuition for 5 yrs already. O M G. Discipline man.

I feel so much less incompetent compared to her, but I'll work hard to improve.

I pray God guides me, keeps me focused in all I do. I pray too, for friends and familly in similar situation, like my bro in NIE now, and Godbro in TP, and Charles in NS, and Harri in NAFA, tht we all succeed.

I researched on why people have poor immune systems, ie ME. And apparently, besides lack of sleep, frutis, veg, the normal stuff, emotional state causes immune system to weaken severely too. AHA. I finally get it.

OH YES! SMTH FUNNY happened at work!!!! All of us girls, were wearing SKIRTS! And all the same kind, the bohemian flaring sorta skirts. SHOO FUNNY. hahahahaha.

Oh there's smth I need. AN UMBRELLA. Been caught in the rain too many times liao. GRUNT.

Jared forgave :)God is good.

Ok, i gtg do maths now CIAO.

Still

1.Hide me now, under Your wings
Cover me, within Your mighty Hand

Chorus
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father You are King over the flood
I will be still and know You are God

2.Find rest my soul, in Christ alone
Know His pow’r, in quietness and trust


Rachaeal used to cry everytime this song played or was sung.. now, tht seemed to have been passed on to me...I cant quite put my finger to it.. bt the minute this song plays, i break down...

Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough

I don't wanna lose you,
I don't wanna use you
just to have sombody by my side
And I don't wanna hate you
and I don't wanna take you
But I don't wanna be the one to cry
and I don't really matter to anyone, anymore
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door


But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

Now I could never change you
I don't wanna blame you
Baby you don't have to take the fall
Yes I may have hurt you
But I did not desert you
Maybe I just want to have it all
It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking something's gonna change

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

And there's no way home
when it's late at night and you're all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
Do you feel me beside you in your bed
there beside you where I used to lay

And there's a Danger in Loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are
Cause baby sometimes love just ain't enough
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

--------------------

I wrote a very long journal entry into my diary last night. But after reading it, I felt it's too personal to put up here. However, to sum it up, I'll extract parts of it here to give u an idea.

" What happened yesterday really "woke me up" I guess.I'm a fool, a blardy dumb fool."
"His face alone makes my guard fall and crash to a million pieces."
"Maybe he's right that he's evil. He's a mooth operator."

"Nothing I've done has merely moved him. "

"What was I thinking when he said "if fate permits, I'll come back to you", what after hes done playing and fulfiling his dreams?"

" I wrote and asked things to no avail. His reply was always I'd tell u later."

" I was his experiment, his test, to quench his curiosity."

" Maybe he loved me, for a few months. As according to a friend I spoke to recently."

" I lost you so long ago. I was blind to not have noticed. But I did. when they started appearing one by one."

" you said to me in apr one of the measnest things ever. That ive found my freedom and now I have to work for my happiness. It was such an evuil joke."

"But now I realise, I havent healed at all. I just kept giving and getting hurt again."

"It's time to leave. I'm sorry.
I can't do this anymore."

"Even if it means to hurt continously in my dreams and in my heart and in my thoughts, I have to leave. Coz I'm really tired. And I can't push on anymore."

"Go. Please. Freely. Now.
And do whatever you want to do.
I will not be emotionally driven anymore.
Sometimes love just ain't enough. "

"I'm no longer fearful of losing you."

"Charles, instead of him not being bothered to fix things anymore, Im gonna say I can't be bothered to fix things anymore. And if it stays that way, than Ok I guess."

[in love's service, i have been wounded many times- Jeanette Winterson.]

I will fulfil my last promise to him next weekend, and that would be it.

I will never forget his near-tears look when we saw uncle lying there that day. I think he was most real then.

With all these said, my feelings, are as dumb as ever. But there's a difference now. And that difference is that I've finally decided to start loving myself more. Ive decided to be selfish again.

Almo Race Track - Black Cat John Brown


These videos were found by my youngest cousin, who i had the great fortune of getting in touch with again recently after she joined my6 choir for sec three attachment for service project. My cousin wants to be like Jamie Cullum, and she has her nick name as " musicalfarts jazzically farting
ALWAYS CULLUMAHOLIC CALL ME MRS CULLUM "
hahaha. My cousin loves jazz.. and even her email is like jazicallytuned smth hahahahah!

It's nice to finally have a chance to get to know her better after all these yrs.. somehow I hope my other cousins and I will have tht chance as well.

Terra Noami " Up Here" New Version



Terra Noami - Sat It's Possible


wow this woman is GOOD. Charles, whatcha think? Harri, U like?

Saturday, 23rd September 2006

-Disappointmets of the day-

Please allow me to start with the distio0nary meanings of the word disappointment.

(1)
dis‧ap‧point‧ment  /ˌdɪsəˈpɔɪntmənt/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[dis-uh-point-muhnt] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
1. the act or fact of disappointing: All of his efforts only led to the disappointment of his supporters.
2. the state or feeling of being disappointed: Her disappointment was very great when she didn't get the job.
3. a person or thing that disappoints: The play was a disappointment.
[Origin: 1605–15; disappoint + -ment]

—Synonyms 1. failure, defeat, frustration.

(2)
Dis·ap·point·ment (ds-pointmnt) Pronunciation Key Audio pronunciation of "disappointment" [P] , Cape

A cape of southwest Washington on the northern side of the mouth of the Columbia River. It was named in 1788 by a British sea captain who was searching for the fabled River of the West and was disappointed when he did not discover a wide river mouth.

(3)
dis·ap·point·ment (ds-pointmnt) Pronunciation Key Audio pronunciation of "disappointment" [P]
n.

1.
1. The act of disappointing.
2. The condition or feeling of being disappointed.
2. One that disappoints.

(4)
disappointment

n 1: a feeling of dissatisfaction that results when your expectations are not realized; "his hopes were so high he was doomed to disappointment" [syn: letdown] 2: an act (or failure to act) that disappoints someone.


Okay, now with the word explained, let me explain how many disappointments I felt today.

(1) After a month of working so hard to teach my little kid; my first tuition kid at that, the mother called the tuition agency after today's tuition, and said she doesn't want to continue anymore. I only earned 65dollars from her today. This 65 was for the whole month to me, coz the tuition agency took half month, as commission. :( I bought this kid assesment books, fullscap paper, gifts, and read him stories even! Sick a few times and I still went to teach him. I really wanted him to improve. And I could see he was starting to. Don't knwow aht's wrong with this mother of his. There goes half oc my CPF that I planned to earn back thru this tuition. Then Blujaz doesnt call all the time. So, Im really scratching my head now. But i'll figure something out. Im very disappointed though.

(2) Today was the last straw with him. I've had enough. It hurt so bad, and even on a friends level, disappointed me to a great degree. It told me so much, him not turning up for jam. If a person cared enough about playing with you, he or she would call to reconfirm if u didn't. This is normal protocall. I wasnt sure if I was over reacting so I asked Pat and Amanda. And I dont think I am. I didnt say cancel at all. I hate this sort of attitude. Esp towards music and even towards friends. It hurts very much. More so that he knew I was sick, didn't bother to ask, and further didnt bother to ask if the jam was still on. Ive made the necessary changes already. I guess it was meant to be this way, since I'd been pondering over this for a long time as well. I don't see a need to explain because he has never as much given me explainations to many things. I'm really disappointed. Hurt as well. Ive had enough of loving, and not even having decent friendly care from him. I prefer honesty at all times. I hate it when people say but dont mean what they say. Once u make a promise, u do it. It is NOT something he doesn't already understand about life.

(3) I went down to buy groceries. Need I mention how things are getting so expensive these days? I blew half of my earnings today on groceries and necessities. Haiz, but nvm, what totally tested me was that my favourite pair of slippers BROKE. Great huh.
Darnns..

Anyway, jam was not too bad. I really appreciate Pat's and Amanda's musical help and input, and even more so their time. Amanda harmonises very well. I love her voice. We'll be playing together in Dec as well. Am very happy.

Ooo.. my cousin, mel tan, mel lim, freda, nick, and dont know who else has seen me in seventeen! HAHAH but the pic is sooo FUGLY!!!! eeks!

Hi Wei...

I don't know how long I'd have to wait. But I hope one day, I'll receive an e-mail from you.

There are three things you can't hide: Love, coughing and poverty. The more you try to hide it, the more it tries to come out onto the surface.

True love comes from true independance.

Love: M



I just watched IL Mare again. Two weeks ago, I watched Windstruck. Now I'm left with My Sassy Girl and Daisy. Haha, I'm such a emobaby. I just love watching Jun Ji HYunn over and over and over again.

Friday, September 22nd, 2006

Heya...

Haha alamak, Im stuck resting at home. Came down with high fever and throat infection. Boohoo. HAhaha. Shit. Kinda sucks, esp on a weekend. Head feels like it's wrapped very tightly with some invisible cloth, casuing the blood to get stuck there. Heh.
Hopefully, I'll be okay tmr, coz I still have to give tuition and jam. I wonder if James will call me tmr to work. He didn't call today. But sick also, so no point.

Work has been very good. But you can tell I'm totally drained. These kids have energiser batteries in their bodies. HAHA. I love them nonetheless. But I have one kid in the class who really irritates me to no end. But it's not his fault. I think there's something wrong wiht him. I noticed that many things in my life has been teaching me to build up my patience and tolerance level. It's a good thing.

Anyhows, I was afraid of what the bosses might think, so I made my way down to the centre anyway. mY superior saw my panadol and asked me if I was having a headahce. After I told her that I was running a fever, she told me to go back immediately coz if the teachers have fever, hand foot mouth, or chicken pox, they are not allowed to be in school. Sighs. But nvm, at least I went down. I was really feeling terrible. I went to see Lawrence (doctor) and headed back after.

I slept the whole day hahaa and now, I cant sleep! >.< Fever has gone down for now after the second round of medicine.

Hah, there's no one online. I bet everyone's out having a gd time! GRRRR lol My patience must hold till tmr. Tmr I shall go out and have fun! HAHAHA. No la, provided i am ok.

Hmmms...been thinking abt him alot the last few days. Just thinking only. Sigh. So many things still remind me of him; even lying in bed just now, when the sun was setting, reminded me of the many times I was at his old place and we were lying there while it was starting to go into evening time. Sometimes when I was sick, and had fever for example, he was there to hold and take care of me. Hahah. I guess everyone needs someone sometimes. Im sure hes been taking Josiah around this week. Im glad he and Jos have a chance to have some time together this week. But Im also quite sure that while Im thinking of him, he probably isnt.

Also glad that Charles's dad is back home. So glad. Oh! Hahaa, Charlie, isn't yr dad a doctor?? HEHEHEH

Well, thats all for today.
What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger.
What kills you half way, still makes you stronger too. Hahahaa.

Chill out. BYE.

DAMIEN RICE~~~~~

NEW ALBUM COMING SOON!!! :) Charlie just told me! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Hahaha, gosh we're so happy! And 9 Crimes sounds awesome!

CHECK IT OUT!
http://www.14thfloorrecords.com/newsitem.aspx?newsid=40#

OHOH!, AND, look at his DROOL WORTHY DROP DEAD GORGEOUS PHOTOS!!!! :)))) heee yummmyy

Wednesday, 20th Sept 2006 [just edited speeling errors heh]

I had a really long, and busy day. Really tired. Hahaa. But so satisfied, so happy. But absolutely zoned out.

Work was endless today. Lots of makring and endless questions from my kids. I have 3 kids in the morning, and 12 others in the afternoon. The morning kids take lunch at 11am. I have to make sure they shower and eat and change by a certain time and wait outside for their buses. Questions and marking starts the min I start work. Sleeping brain or not. Hahaha. The afternoon kids come in at 1-130pm. This is my lunch break. Lunch is home cooked. GOODIE. These kids, are from these few schools: Tao Nan Pri, Haig Girls, KC, Kong Hwa, Maha Boodhi. Yea. Four of them are related by blood. Two of them are classmates. half of them are high flyers. Half of them are notti.

They come to the centre either before or after school, and basically the only admin I have, is marking attendance, checking their bags, checking their journals, communication books, feeding them all, making them do work, and photocopying their exams results, test results if any. I have to take note of all their spelling dictation dates, and test them. I have to go thur all their school homework, to check for errors and teach them, and also, give them work from the already prepared worksheets and photostated assasment books and papers, which we have a aplenty here! Never nothing to do! The kids' parents are all different kinds la. Some are nice, some , like one of the boy's parents, gave us two piles of exam papers, bought, from different schools, and told us the boy must finish them all before SA2. SIGHS.

So I have to go thru their school homework, and those I give them. That's how the marking keeps piling. heh. I have a few P1s, a few P2s, a few P4s, and one p5 gurl, who HAPPPENS to be the daughter of one of the bosses. GREAT. HAhaha, She's good to teach la, nice girl, but I swear she's rather spoilt, and her mother, aiyo, she's so cheap skate la. HAHAHA. Shhhh. Anyway, I pity these kids. They wana play, talk and all, but work and work and more work. Tuition even after school and being at the centre. Geesh. I mean, well, now I look at it, and feel, yea, I'd rather be a student, but it's good they learn how difficult life is. And they live such a cushy life already.

The standard of syllabus now is very frightening. The work they are doing, like my p5 gurl, is freaking sec one, sec two work. I was baffled by three maths questions today. U noe how baD that is?!?!!?!? For MEEE not to be able to answer! Very tricky questions. Even my p4 and p2s maths questions are no longer so straight forward.

Neways, I stayed at work till 630, coz my kids needed me. And I got late for my 730 tuition. I was starvin and needed to pee so badly on the bus. Have to take two buses to tuition kid now, with quite a walk, AIYOOO, hahahaa, and the bus passes home!!!! *___*. Wanted so badly to alight, hahaha. While I was on the bus, I felt so hungry and tired, and while smsing Christine, I wondered if it was worth it, travelling so far from work to go teach Zhe Hui. I was most afraid his mother might not want me to continue. But surprisingly, she seemed really ok about it. Thank God, that they had biscuits at home, so that put something into my tummy, till I was done with tuition.

So I headed back to my area, had dinner and now Here I am typing this.
I'm not complaining. I'm glad I'm giving my all to the job and my tuition kid. Im giving my all to everything now, coz thts all I can do. That's my purpose for now. Im also doing part time at Blujaz on the weekends, as long as I have nothing too impt on. Along with tht, jams for the two gigs are starting this week. Pat's really lazy and unbothered abt the wole thing. It irritates me that he cant be bothered to even take a look at the stuff I sent via email. he asked me what hes playing even, and said he'd rather do percussion than lead. Then no need to learn. WTF. I hate it when he gives me this sort of attitude. I ask him nicely to go see the email or my file, on the TABLE since he doesnt noe. And he asks me AGAIN the next day. What kind of fucking attitude is that??? Im totally fine with him. Its just this. It makes me want to cancel both gigs. Coz I dont feel good. Shud just do a duo with Amanda or smth. Maybe december pass it to Charles, or if not, hopefully I pray hard tht Charles will be free to play. I dont like working with musicians who give stinky attitudes. Whatever the reason.

Anyways, Im pooped man. See u all. IM out of here.

...mmm..

-Tuesday, September 19th 2006-

The first day at work, was pretty awesome :) Basically, I love ths place, and I'm really happy. No doubt I'm really exhausted, but all's good. First time I feel good about work, in a while. Everything feels right. I signed the contract and I'm happy with the terms too.

Im so tired I feel like sleeping right now. Hahaha.

MORE IMPORTANTLY! GO BUY SEVENTEEN MAG OCT ISSUE!!!! HAHAHAA, IM ON PAGE 107!!! WOW WHEEEEEEE! Gawd, it's been one of those fantasy dreams to be on a magazine!! WOW. :)

Okay, thts all. Im very tired hahaa.

Shall leave you guys and gals, with a Fiona Apple song that hits me right home.

-Shadowboxer-
Once my lover, now my friend
What a cruel thing to pretend
What a cunning way to condescend
Once my lover, and now my friend

Oh, you creep up like the clouds
And you set my soul at ease
Then you let your love abound
And you bring me to my knees

Oh, it's evil, babe
The way you let your grace enrapture me
When well you know I'd be insane
To ever let that dirty game recapture me

You made me a shadowboxer, baby
I wanna be ready for what you do
And I've been swinging around
'Cause I don't know when you're gonna make your move

Oh, your gaze is dangerous
And you fill you space so sweet
If I let you get too close
You'll set your spell on me

So darlin' I just wanna say
Just in case I don't come through
I was on to every play
I just wanted you

But oh, it's so evil, my love
The way you've no reverence to my concern
So I'll be sure to stay wary of you, love
To save the pain of once my flame
And twice my burn

So I'm a shadowboxer, baby
I wanna be ready for what you do
And I've been swinging around at nothing
I don't know when you're going to make your move

Yeah I'm a shadowboxer, baby
I wanna be ready for what you do
And I've been swinging around
'Cause I don't know
when you're going to make your move


SHIT. Maybe Im just in need of sleep now or smth, but since yest, the heartahce has started to become more again, and increasingly hard to surpress...feel this pain and the tears just holding back in my eye sockets... ahh, fark.

Itd just tht, this week, hes on leave. and its been a long time since hes been out on weekdays. Usually i wonder what he does on weekends tht i dont see him, and try not to, if he doesnt ask, and if i hold back on asking. Im trying so hard to stick to my own self respect and dignity. And most of all, move on, coz he doesnt care anymore to the extent tht my emails went irgnored. I know he doesnt mean it, but he has to do it. And it hurts like so badly tht nothing i do anymore works. But this week, Josiah is coming from Aussie,(tonight rather, like now as I type he is landing) and the feeling os not being asked along is suddenly hitting me quite badly. Its just tht if we were still together, I'd be gg there with him now, to welcome Jos here. And this week wud be great and all. I mean. Im trying to forget.

Sorry. i got to go. . .

...

oh u noe smth... dont know if hes realised this yet.. but previously when he stayed in marine parade, i stayed there for a bit as well...we took the same buses, the same bus rides.. how coincidental.. and now, we're again two srteets away.. just tht this time it's a Z shape.. previously was two straight roads... and again we have the same buses and same routes. Interesting how tanah merah station and bedok have been the two main stations of our time together. And whats worse, my bus to work now, haha takes me thru BOTH his old and new place. AHHHHH. Siglap. kill me. I noticed this already when I take the bus back from town. Just let me let it all out tonight, for Im feeling a bit overwhelmed. Tmr, I'll be ok. :)

I promised Charles I'd find my balance in life again. But I do promise everyone that these emot hings wont hnder work anymore. Work is far too impt to me now.

Monday, September 18 2006

Embrace life, with a smile :)
It's tought, but well worth the ride. Fortune or misfortune, I've learnt so much I am so human. Haha.What a funny line. But I smile as much as anyone else does, I feel pain, betryal and hurt as much as anyone else does. I feel glory and achievement like anyone does too. And it's the same for gratefulness and gratitude.

After I woke today, I realised again how very blessed I am. God's been very good to me. I know who are the people who really care, and who don't. Thank you to those who msged me today. I am very grateful and glad and touched for your concern.

I went for the midecal check-up. I really really hate blood tests. The fear is what makes me so flustered. The test itself is just a tiny ant bite. But i totally freak out. major phobia since i was little. But today's test reminded me of the time Wei followed me to the clinic fr a blood test for suspected dengue fever. Gosh. And here I was all by myself today, and I bravely took it alone.

While I was showering today, I reflected on all the jobs Ive done since graduation last yr. And I realised that I learnt smth about myself and about working life, from each job. And so now, I know what mistakes not to make again, and what to improve on.
I'm very grateful for this one and a half years of job turbulance. Though I took a long time to decide and realise what I wana do with my life, at least I'm here now.
I promise, to repay everyone's kindness, in due time. The evern rockier road has just begun.


[LATER]
Just watched Devil wears Prada. I reccomend it to everyone, even the guys. It's a fantastic film. Jerm was right! Wow. O was so caught up in the movie, that I forgot about my existance, and that tmr I have a new job to start! And I know a film is good, when it does that to me, and I forget everything for tht two whole hours.I think I only realised that I was "around" again when the movie was 15 mins to its ending.But watching the film was timely. Coz I know that like the girl in the movie, Andrea, I too, will have to work very hard, before I obtain and achieve success. But I hope that when the time comes, my personal life won't be in a wreck, like the way it was for the gurl.

[LAST TRAIN]
*penting*. Oh man. I ran for the last train trhat was leaving tampines to boon lay. I made it in the knick of time. Shit is that how it's spelt. (my brain is sleeping already). I had a quick bite at macs, coz I was so hungry. Then as I left TM, I heard the call for the last train, and ran with all my might! HAHA.But, God is amazing. Even in these things, he has his hand in it. I'm grateful, that he watches over me every sec of the day. And more and more, I feel safe, and with faith, I feel more assured that my future has a plan already laid out by him. And whatever I do, will be what he wants me to do. Whatever I think, feel, coms from him. Coz he has a plan for us. So, every decision and action we take, has to be his plan, no?
(and i made my way home).

[back home]
im talking to you now, and from a simple feeling of i miss you, its eating onto me abit. have to control it. maybe im just tired. i better go off to sleep quickly before I start saying stuff or asking u stuff i dont want to.. i miss.argh.

Kinda kewl tht i spent the day alone. free and easy. jerm and jus made dinner and brought some to TM for me earlier ebfore teh movie though. tht was very nice of them. I made some time to attend daily mass earlier this evening as well. I hate blood tests. hahaha.

I gtg now. Im VERY sleepy. Nights all.
Charles, take care.
Jem, take care.
Harri, Ernest, hope yr work turns out well.
Wei...have a gd time with Josiah. Tour guide for a week hahaa.

And kor, ahve a gd time in schl.
A new chapter starts tmr. WOO. Off to sleep. Late already. 40 mins past bedtime!

Foolish Games- Jewel-

You took your coat off and stood in the rain.
You're always crazy like that.
I watched from my window, always felt I was outside
looking in.
You were always the mysterious one with
dark eyes and careless hair you were
fashionably sensitive but too cool to care.
You stood in my doorway, you got nothin to say
besides some comment on the weather

Well in case you failed to notice, in case you failed to see.
This is my heart, bleeding before you.
This is me down on my knees.
And these foolish games are tearing me apart.
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.
Breaking my heart...

You're always brilliant in the morning
You're smoking your cigarettes
And talking over coffee.
Your philosophies on art, Baroque moved you, you loved Mozart.
And you speak of your loved ones
as I clumsily strum my guitar.

Well excuse me, cause I've mistaken you for somebody else.
Somebody who gave a damn, somebody more like myself.
And these foolish games are tearing me, tearing me, tearing me apart.
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart...
You're breaking my heart.

You took your coat off and stood in the rain.
You're always crazy like that.

Sunday, September 17 2006

Happy Birthday Shaun! =)

I cantored today, and out of the many years I cantored, I think today was the best. PRayers of the faithful also was FINALLy on the right pitch!!! :)
And I felt that my choir sang so well today :) And it's smth to be proud off, as I sit downstairs for cantoring and up there is my choir I love so much, and who sing so well. I love Sam, and all of them, and proud of each of them who make our choir work. I could hear Tam's voice. I knew when Nick played the piano or organo, and it felt great. Its nice serving church together at the same time with family :) And my little cuz enjoys choir too ;p

Sorry that I havent been online much this weekend. I stayed over at Harri's last night, and spent the day with her. Night before I was at Godbro's celebrating his birthday with his family.

-ATM INCIDENT-
Something rare happened to me tonight.
I went to tha atm to draw cash for dinner, and when I got to the machine, I saw on the screen:

For another transaction, press >
To terminate, press>

and I stood there, a little puzzled, then it shocked me a s[pilt second later, to realise that another person's ATM card was still in the slot. Without hesitation, I pressed the second button, and that poor fella's card came out. I was rather shocked. I wasnt exactly sure what to do next. But, I drew my money first and ran back to Sam and the rest and told Sam, coz he's from DBS bank.
Sam and I walked back to the bank branch, and dropped the card into the quick cheque deposit box. So Lord, please, please may the person receive his card again/ Poor fella. I can't imagine his anxiety tonight.

-Handmade Rosary-
Lisa Jie made me a hand made white pearl beaded rosary :) Her very bealted present to me, and me was so shocked leh. Thanks again, jie.

-Harri. Me.-
This gurl and I, laught together even in our sleep.
How many people are that lucky?
I know I am.


-WORK-
So Work at Kinderland Acaedmy starts TUESDAY :) I need to go for a medical check up tmr. SHIIIT. They're gonna take blood test. I HATE NEEDLES!!!!!! argh. And How funny it is, that jw's leave starts on tuesday;. WONDERFUL.

-HIM no more-
Like religion, or faith rather, we have dry and wet periods as they call it. With him, it's the same. Except that now I have to love, freely. I have to move on, for his sake, and bte my tongue and let him go, for my sanity. Or his. Or other people
s rather. There was never a sec I didnt think of him this weekend. But I didnt have a choice. I have to back off now. I have to let him do what he wants to do. I hope he had a gd weekend. I miss him, but like I said, thts all. If he thinks of me, he'll msg. If he doesn't then he wouldnt. So Yea, when he msgs, I reply. When I dont receive a reply, thts very normal and I just shrug it off. Thats ok. Nothing abt it. We lead different lives now.

But I just wana add, how funnt everything is. Perhaps God found it too dangerous for me to say " i wana start chasing him again, as ridiculous as tht sounds". So he makes me call a mutual friend.. and realise how FUCKING DUMB tht line was...fr I was ready to be patent again. And all in a week, I threw tht idea out.

Only God knows. Only God knows.

-------------

Anyway, yesterday was so fruitful coz not only did I wake early and later got the job! :) I went to gramo to get my CD back from Nai, and then had lunch at HANS with Harri. We made our way back to her place, and while she did her work, I watched I AM SAM on her tv. OH MAN, that show is soooo touching u noe! :/ After tht, was online fir a bit, and we headed to town for a fashion show photoshoot she had to do. It was quite an eye opener.

We were so tired we slept the min we got back to her place, but after cup noodles, hahaha. Harri's my ... :) hehehe

Then of coz after yesterday was today la. HAHAAH. OH YES. and I decorated my rm a bit more! and cleaned it again! and now i have shelves!! WOO Nick u can give me more of my stuff now! :) I have SPACE
hahaha

Ok ciao!

p/s: nai still gives me the goosebumps HAHA

Good news good news!!! =)

Im starting work again next week! Im starting my career next week. Im a student care teacher at Kinderland! Full time, and it's four stops from katong shopping centre. Land mark is the famour eton house pre school that you alwyas see lighted up at night when ure taking the bus home. I have bus 12, 14, 196 there. Beee-au-tiful.

I am very happy. Very grateful.

Life starts now.

...in her head again.......

"if he wakes up one day and wants u back, then thts great".

...in her head again.......

Life has never been more real before.
I'm struggling to earn money, and going beyond my comfort level to do work.
I'm finding proper work now, and at the same time maintaining choir duties, jams and gigs. I have debts to pay, bills to pay, and my stomach to feed.
I'm still giving my kid tuition, and though it's just one kid, this kid is keeping me busy as it is already. Im still waiting for that cold hard $65 from his mother end of the moneth. It's never been harder earning this money. I'm so determined to teach him till I've been keeping him into consideration for my full time jobs even. Sighs. Responsibilities, man. I'm also working part time at Blujaz again. Earning $27 has never been more satisfying. That was for last night. And really, this is the only cash I have right now.
I have really little now, but I'm learning the reality of things.

I may have been a mess, but my eyes are awake again.
Once I've got a good job, (Coz its abt time to be serious, as im not young anymore esp since its been a year since graduation), I'm gonna ensure I'm financially stable; and savings is a must. Along with that, continue part time with blujaz, tuition, gig, and choir. This is really what I want to do with my life. These are the factors that will be my life. And then there will be a balance of social life.

I may have been a mess, but Im glad so far, that ive still managed to maintain things, except for the $ la.
I greatly appreciate your patience with me, Pat. Alot, alot. Thank you enormously. My Harri and Charles, I love you both so much and am extremely grateful for you both always being around constantly. Really, really, really.
Kor, i will show you that I can do this.
Everyone else, like Ana, Joyce, Lisa, Sam, Char and the rest, u guys and gald hanging ard, i cudnt ask for more.

I dont want to be a puppet anymore. What I mean by this is, I do not want to let others fix me anymore. No more waiting for outside factors to control me, or make me feel good or bad. Ive gotta achieve my goals. Maybe, then someone will come along when the time is right. Maybe then he will see.

Its really cold hard real life im leading, and theres no more time to waste. Ive wasted enuff time, ive ruined too many opportyuinities. I dont want to regret any longer.

I am praying very hard for strength to go on, so pleas be with me on this journey. Coz I dont want all this im saying to be nothing but words only.

"More than words, is all I have to do to make you see.."

The weather... is lovely today. Sleep worthy... and definitely cools the soul.
Had a good sleep, though still tired.

Last night, Chris called me after work, and practicurly spoke with me till I reached home. She and JQ have been having problems for some time now, coz he had a crush on another gurl and told her and it really broke the trust between them and all. They're older than I am, and are very serious already. But the thing is, hes been trying so hard to make it up to her, and I know how hard it is for her, but it's not like we all dont have our short comings and failings. Neither am I saying that he is wrong. He definitely is. But after listening to how everything has been, I know that it's not like he doesnt care anymore.
Chris, is gg thru the same depression stage I went thru a few months back. Angry with herself, with him, and not giving herself that chance to trust again, not so much him. Shes aware hes there for her, but she shunning everyone out of her life, esp him. And yet she knows thts the one thing she doesnt want. I told her, if she continues shunning him, hes really gonna start believing it, coz of the state shes in, and leave. The arguments can be that then so be it, but is tht what she really wants? IF she still wants to marry him, and if he still has the mentality of marryng her, then dont make the situation worse. She's already had alone time, she should really sit down and talk to him, to help her, not to drive her to IMH. She said to me that no one can knock sense into her, then I started getting upset, and told her, well, im not one of the friends whoose gonna sit back and agree on that. Shes been cooping up at home or in the library and everything...

I got upset enuff. I understand how Chelle got angry with me that day, and basically it just stems from our own experiences and not wanting another friend to make the same mistakes or take the longer route when they can hear it from us. And the way I see it, shes gonna lose him if she perists this way. I told her this is what Charles said to me like a few days after espy gig in march. And it happened sooner than we both thought. Its rubbish, thinkign the guy will tolerate everything. They are all only but human. They coudl go out with anyone else. What makes us think they'll stay and put up with shit till we get hitched? veen in marriage I was telling Chris, it shudnt be that way. Problems like depression, more than often, first drives the parties apart, rather than closer. I shared with her abt my parents, and she understood it.

I was upset enough to break down a bit, because as I spoke to her, I really was so afraid she was digging up her own grave, and that fear and the fact tht she wont listen, started to pain me, and I started crying for a bit, because what was accumulating in me, esp at that point was alot of regret,knowing so well, alot of time that I cant turn back anymore, that has caused me to have lost him. And so Chris, please.. heal and give hi one last chance. Coz u noe that u love him, and so does he. One crush, is way better than many crushes. He shudnt have told u, thats what u feel,yes. It hurts like fuck. But, at least he told u... Dont wait till he walks off, and when they do, they will never come back again.

Ok.. take care...


So, anyway, ive not made any mention fo the fact that Chelle spoke to me. I will not write anything abt it here. But.. she scolded well.. and knocked sense into me well. And shes right... so Ive made my decision....

ahh this is good.. chris just msg.. and she says yea.. he sacrifices alot for her.. given up hobbies, wants to spend the rest of his life with her... not sure if he can give their future family a gd life and all... i think shes starting to wake up... im so glad...

Anyways.. im off to arrange for more interviews...

istillloveyouevenifivegivenup

wow, check this out!

Rainier - Canon rock cover , originally arranged by Jerry C


and then watch.. the piano version by this other guy...(sighs...this makes me melancholic...Renren, are u still here? You remember this song... we used to play it all the time, as a duet together on the piano....)

Canon Variation/Improvision REBORN


and another crazy version...its so so familiar... sighs

Ive always DETESTED singapore idol. Seriously. and watched it for all the terrible performances and hopefully good ones come out. But I missed the last two weeks, which had great performances. So here's Hardy, whoose WOW, damn good. And Jasmine, who shone way too late, with her Judges choice songs.

Heres both their performances on Judgeces choice night. (Harri, check out Jas's other song. It was much better than the one we saw, but do see tht one again, coz I felt it was emotional, thought not as good)

Hardy Mirza- idols second choice song


Hardy Mirza- idols first choice song


Jasmine Tyeols first choice song


Jasmine Tye- idols second choice song

now...perhaps.. have to...

...its not tht im pressing the brakes..its tht im not sure how to drive without knowing the rules of this particular area...and the light constantly flickers between amber and red. So, technically i could just continue breaking the rules and accelerate,even though there isnt a green light, but this place hasnt told me if the green light is even the sign to press the accelerator. And just when the road side officer was in sight, and I was bribing him and he was flirting back, he suddenly felt like driving off on his not-so-white-motorbike. So where do I go from here? I cant drive to another town yet, coz I still dont know the rules of this particular area..but maybe the officer, will come back and give me directions any time from now and ask me how im doing...or maybe a time portal will come ....

Love, me

Im in love with supernova now.. WOHOO...Its gonna be either lukkas or toby im sure!!!

check them out!

Lukkas on creep a few weeks back


Lukkas Rossi- all these things tht ive


and what a waste ryan star got kicked out.. hes damn good!

Ryan star-back of yr car...


Ryan star- losing my religion


These supernoava guys, are tested on not just singing and rocking, but written originals too u noe! WHOA!. And the house band supernova is fucking good. Hope Lukkass wins :) hehehee...

ok gtg blujaz now...

hahaha I spoke too soon. They finally dont want me ! yay!! :)

...in her head again.......

Im gonna go thru today, and face up to everything. I headed to bed at 3 this morning, but I was merely lying in bed. I didn not sleep at all. So afraid that I would not be able to wake up for work.

While I laid in bed, I thought about so many things. I thought about how I landed myself up so dead broke, and that like in spiderman (but i change it a bit), with age, comes responsiblity and with decisions come consequences that result me having to be responsible for, and no one is to blame other than me. I thought about all the good people who have been by my side nonetheless , helping in whatever ways they can, esp with money. How kind everyone has been already. I feel very indebted to just abt everyone already. This came about after thinking abt all the times I have to very humble ask for help, coz I am just managin myself so badly. I guess I hardly take care of myself somtimes. Now I cant even afford to go down and buy food. Which is ridiculous.

I thought abt us, and abt really how I should take a backseat and occasionally come to the front to smile back at him, as much as I wana be in frtont all the time, but he deserves tht space, and really, I cant stop him in doing anything at all.

I thought about my joke of a career. Deep down, I noe that I am safe in God's hands, and I mean this, as in that I noe thru prayer, when God speaks back to me, that at the very end of the day, everything will really be alright, but for now, I just have to go thur this to learn. I thought to myself, how easy it wud be if I werent catholic or christian isnt it? Then I can take up any sales or restaurant job I love and be so happy. But no, my sacrifice to God, is to serve him and therefore, must decided within my limited narrowed down favoured options; what I want to do with my life. I noe now, more or less. It's just whether I'm gearing myself up for it anot.

My friend, Gerald, asked me a good question online earlier last night. He meant it as any casual question on a msn conversation, but it got me thinking so hard. He was asking me whether I knew a particular artist (music wise), and then when I said that I havent been scouting around for music, his next question to me was then : What HAVE you been doing then?? And I realised, yes, why have I not been looking at music? Why have I been feeling sick, sleeping half the day, waking up, and either staying at home, or meeting people up?

But I have not been able to be rid of my sluggishness Ive been feeling. It has hindered me severely from doing many other things other than being online. Many times I say I can read, practise, do up a website or watch some movies at home or iron, stuff like that, but I dont really get down to it. And when I do, I do so for a short while, and realise how happy I am that I did so.

And now, because I havent worked hard enuff, I deprive myself the chance to go out and watch any films for tht matter, or rent any, or go to cd shops to buy any cds. I guess like sleeping patterns, even these things have their own vicious cycles.

Wei is on leave today. And I thought abt how nice it wud be for him to finally get some rest at home and head to town and do what he likes. And he certainly deserves it, considering everything tht has been gg on. And how remarkbly strong he has been esp with work, and saving up for things he wants to get etc. At least in these areas hes got things rite. There it is again, our good areas are always not the same as each other, which is maybe at d end of the day, not really such a good thing? Haha, but theres prob pros and cons, as there should normally be.

So, now Im awake, taking milo and cereal and some toasted nuggets, and Im gonna go off to work. After which I wish I cud just sleep, but Ive got to give my kid tuition, and head to orchard to submit my time sheet. I am preparing myself for an earful later. And if it comes, I hope God will guide me to say the right things.

Im prepared to stay on at this job to finish it up, now tht i need the money so bad, or get fired and find another proper one quickly.

Timing is real bad. I wana head to malacca and go for simon's dad's funeral actually. Im really sorry about this.

Tmr, cantor meeting after work. I need to go meet gerald to collect my cd back from him. Fri, shaun's birthday dinner after work. Sat, wedding, tuition and hopefully after tht some rest or meet wei or smth. Sunday, church, cantoring for mass. But Im so angry with a few individuals from cantor ministry tht I may not even go on thurs shud sam not be ard. God will only know the ans. So we'll see. Politics in church.:( ridiculous and painful. never ending torture.

MM, I dont know, maybe Sat can still go u to malacca or smth. We'll see how this can be worked out.

For now, I so gotta figure how to have money for the week.

What happend mel, to your long term plans? You're not pushing yrself hard enuff. Fight the bad feelings. FIGHT.

stuck.
on.
you.

hahahahahahaaa.

guy friends become more normal to tok to becoz of tht. HAHAHAHAHA.

Anyway, just found out Jill is attached now to a guy whoose 30 yrs old. yay!

And the other uncle is Simon's dad.
Pretty sad, that in a span of two weeks, wei's dad and simon's dad passed away. : (

Anyway, I dedicated some time and songs to him just now, while I was offline. May he rest in peace, and may he be with God now.

i was toking to vivi, an old poly fren of mine, and she was asking me how I was.. then I realised how much Ive been dealing with HAHA.
I was telling her tht health has been awfully weird, and financially im completely dry on cash now.. job has been bad, and two uncles passed away... and church has been acting up with politics... and been very disturbed with all the christian stuff... haiz... she always says im damn strong.. coz for her, she cant take so much shit at one go... hahaha, maybe im used to haveing a lot of probs by now... im starving, theres nutting to eat... and well, am i in a relationship? no, im just a friend with benefits....

Hmm Dear Lord, whats happening lately?
I go forward with doing the right things, siding the right people, according to my judgement, and people talk behind my back and backstab and insult and offend me. Imagine the guts, and the evil in a person who doesnt talk to you for the longest time and then decides to subject you to his slender, according to his fancy, because u did smth right, but becoz of tht, the evil person's plans dont work out. And this is happening IN CHURCH.

The person is so childish, that he calls me pathetic, for doing the right thing. he is i think 30 yrs old. *shakes head*.

And the woman who goes around with her big fat mouth gossping to the whole world about everybody, from this day on, will NEVER be hearing my voice again. she can forget it if she wans to talk to me. Im extremely pissed. She has finally tested my patience. She can go ahead, insult everyone, which is already wrong. Just dont come and do these things to me. I dont trust u ever again, woman. Stop doing God's work if you want to bhe so filthy.

ooo... check out stef sun in her younger days! WOHOOOO!

These are photos from our second month together... we went to fish and co at bugis junction to celebrate over dinner, and he started taking these crazy pictures like throughout dinner. It was quite fun and funny. haha. And the white beanie was given by him. I remember he was at home and went down to far east just to get me the beanie and then headed hoem to meet me. Later that evening, he came to school to fetch me and we headed down to bugis...

The photos of me, were either taken by him or taken at his old place... AHH, melancholoy. ROFL.

Sometimes it's interesting how God works.
Perhaps, He is the one for me at the end of the day, but God knows I always learn the hard way. And so thru this, I learn patience, and tolerance again. In work, I also learn the same two things, but since Ive been struggling with even getting myself to work, so he teaches me this in the aspect of my life that means more to me.

I didnt go to work again you know. Terrible.

And since now we're on a totally uncommitted thing, it gives us both space to grow and relfect; for me, to just continue to be there no matter how it feels. And for him, to realise Im always there no matter what he feels.

And all i need to do is continue to pray. And continue to remember that I have to be ard without expectations off him. It's like God is teaching me the ultimate of not expecting from people.