This is called "SEASIDE"


This is called "WHERE" hahaha

hahaha... done ta work by moi!
;p

hope ure going ok with yr work babe.... love ya...

ciaos...

melllllllllllll :))))

The weather has been good, or kind, rather.

I take it as showers of blessings for Uncle B.k too. Anyway, i wrote quite a bit in d office today. So read the entries that will follow after thios paragraph. It was quite an unlucky day I must say, hahaha =)

P/S: Read from the bottom of the entries, up, coz i stupidly put them int ht order..hahaha

---------------

I wonder what is really bugging me...
is it the pms today, lack of sleep, or subconcious guilt?

Why guilt? Maybe coz I definitely realise tht one day my own dad and mum wud leave me and nick... its not like this thought has never come to my mind before. it definitely has. but all along ive known tht whatever happens to me and them, whatever it is at all, i know tht at d end of the day I wud still cry just as hard.

But I keep feeling so much for him over this matter.
Smehow I think theres much more sadness then what appears.
Hes always like tht. I may not talk as much to him anymore, but Im sure i know him well enuff to a certain degree.
I know tht hes trying to get over it, but on the other hand, becpz of how hes trying to be happy, I seem to want to take on tht whole down feeling for him. I dont know if im making sense at all. But I gess what Im trying to say is tht, im feeling sad on my ownpart and also on his.

Some part of the day, we can just shrug and go, yea, hes with God now. But on the other hand i feel smth tugging at me each time I think tht when they go home, theres onfiltered=(

The sudden thought of Vicki came to me.
Ana said the last time I met her, that she finally understands what Vic meant, by " I dont wana be wth anyone, but I just want someone to be ard.". And we kept saying to her, its another example of those no strings attached relationships.. but thts exactly what she wanted, and what Ana wants now too, and oddly, what i wud really appreciate now too. Im not referring to the partnering party as jw, but just how I feel. And Im quite sure thats what he wants now too.

All we need are really good friends to just be there for us. And whoever else who can spare some time.

Maybe this is what happens, after anyone gets badly hurt, or something major happens in a person's life.
I wonder how Jared is dealing with his dad's passing now. I remember that Jared was still grieving quite some time after the passing too. But Jared has his mum and God. Thats what Jw doesnt haf... .. really. All we can do is pray...

ten mins to end of work. OMG. I feel like a zombiiiieee.

-------------------

what's the date today??! Is it fri the 13th??!?!?!?! no, it isnt wad!

Grr... I got a stain on my pants. HAHAH, FED UP MAN. hahaha.. it was accidental somemore. sheesh.

So (1) i am frezzing from the cold coz I didnt bring my jacket, (2), my feet are cold coz I wore the wrong footwear, (3) i got it today and i knew my pants colour wud really become a problem. SEEEEE I told u the colour wud become a prob. ARGHH hahaha... great man... hahaha....i shud start predicting the weather or smth LOL. What do u guys want? rain or shine? hahahahaha

fed up fed up hahaha... , im DEFINITELY gg home to change now befre gg down to wei's later. pai seh!

--------------
This is a prose I wrote...

-time called-

calling out
not so loud
come
have your dinner
the food will lose its flavur

why are you not
following what i taught
for life you must work hard
if not you'll be left in a cart

these things and more
they always heard him say.

too busy with theirselves
to hear his pleading yells

The dog they owned
lost furvour one day and moaned
the kids felt cold
but not enough to cry hold

he too started losing his means
of yelling and shouting and scolding them teens
but no the kids didnt know
that he too was going to leave them, real cold

and so they heard the last curtain call
hes gone hes gone its time to go
and there they stood
motionless like wood
speechless
despair and guilt

calling out
not so loud
come back out
come back out

---------------


Just came back from lunch... and i actually fell asleep on the table ( in the canteen!) Haha, im THAT sleepy today. Really wish I can just go back and sleep now! Hmms, think I'll go home first and cbange into something more comfortable then head down to the wake for the service... hope Aunty is coping somehow

--------------

Oh man... today I am not only wearing the wrong colour, im wearing slippers and i didnt bring my jacket. I SHOULD HAVE!!! Grr hahaha coz its freezing cold, and of coz the weather today is so good for sleeping man... damnnnn hahaaa. And coz its so cold, i wish im wearing shoes! And and and... i predicted correctly! I got the thing again... haiz.. and im wearing light grey pants today, and i forgot to bring the stuff.. ALAMAK.. hahaha harrri!!!! dont laug at me k! hahaha

cant wait to go for lunch!

---------------

Thursday, 31st August 2006

Less than 8 hrs after I left the wake last night, I find myself awake again, and heading to work, late today, just by a bit.
I hate it that I have to squeeze onto the comapny bus, or the changi bus rather, and people are all PUSHING their farking way thru to try and go up and get a seat. I was squashed like a damn blardy pancake.

Really tired. I still don't know how all the working adults can make their way to work everyday of the work week, and always be early, and so awake. Even more so for the older ones who've been at this for years and years on end. Is it really only going to be possible for me, when I find something I truly enjoy?? Coz I know that perhaps when I really do, only then will I be able to go on and on and on for hours. I'm talking abt recording again. Music. I need my big break. Somehow, I don't know how.

I need to find band members, who are willing to work on this full time. Only then can we go into this seriously and perhaps do this for cold hard cash night after night. But this needs alot of preparation work first. I need a band...need to jam regularly...but who? Who is reallly that free?,Everybody's probably stuck somewhere half way into other plans, or forced ones even , like army.
But I know I always say that I have my reservations. I know that after doing it for a long time I will get sick of it, or a better word fr it will be bored. Just like how Im tired of having to depend and find other musicians to play with me, and having to worry that our weightage of mportance on the planned gig ism differnet.It always is.

What am I doing? Im wasting my time here.
I should either go find myself a kindergarden job, if not, seriously think of giving up weekends or smth for the two other jobs I like. But WHY do I HAVE TO force myself to give up one or the other?? There are so many things I wana accomplish. U mean I cant jam, gig, and go for gigs, on weekdays, sing for church on weekends and participate in my church activities, and also do work for money that I will be happy or interested in? I always have to either give up a happier job, for church, or church for a happier job. Both of which are really important to me; since they take up most of my time. :( .I refuse to work weekends and evenings already (unless Im gigging and therefore it isnt work to me), because I wana have time to watch other people perform and in turn learn from them.

ARGHS. But along with this, I gotta juggle my finances (which ive done pretty badly) and make sure my on going survival is taken care off. Up to now, i have pretty much failed I think. SOMEHOW. Like, it took me months just to get the damn clothes ironed. U SEE what I mean. And Im so still wishing to just sleep for a couplea days, coz Im so worn out.

But today, my motivation to come to work, was simply the money and tht I remember jw saying to me " go to work please". And I know too well, tht as much as I hate this uncomfortable work that I simply dont fit into, I have to go, and I have to do it, and I just gotta learn to adjust and atune myself to the unwillingness to do this. No choice, aka "bo bian" in hokkien. I mean, NO MATTER WHAT, it still beats the feeling of bing jobless. So seriously, sad is the reality of things.

I can only keep hoping tat smth better will come along.

But lately, the feeling of being just a dip holder is starting to suck.
Many of thr gurl friends ard me are all studying. Most of them are all uni undergrads...and here I am, just hoping to find my piece of gold somewhere in the music area or by sme miracle, be sponsored for Berklee or Lasalle.

And Im sure u see the invisible $$$$ all over the place.
How abt some =) for me? harharhar

--------------

------------
I went for the wake tonight, together with Harri+ Simon and Jun+her bf. Initially the spirits were low, and I felt it,too.. coz his bro was in tears and his mum too. Of coz I was also not feeling so great, coz I still cant believe tht the uncle I used to talk to, was now lying there.

Harri got tired of waiting for jw to come back so she left first hahaha. Actually she had work and he was late to come back! But the weird thing is, when he came back together with jasmine (his fellow sec schl duo vox friend who btw is pretty good), he was all hyper and happy!. I found it a bit strange at first, and thought tht it was just his way of dealing with this whole thing (well im sure it is partially), but I found out tht Leonard the man mixed Blackpepper's CD realllllllllly damn fucking well! They sound pro, totally, and everyone whoose heard it agrees. They can record live and sound so good. Leonard says so. Lerping says so. I listened, and already live I was blown away. Their recording can sell!

Tonight was the first proper night I got to know Jasmine too. Ive heard him speak off her many many times.. and now meeting the gurl herself.... Shes a hyper, jovial, hyper (yes again), whacky sweet thing of 20 this yr, in NUS, doing finanacial maths or smth like tht! Gosh, her jazz tone is lovely. Jw always knows which gurls and which vocalists to choose.
I like meeting his gurl friends. My whole guard gets thrown off, and I see them for who they really are.And not jump on tht usual conclusion or paranoia.

It made me reflect abit and finally I realised what it is abt me that has changed.
I have lost tht natural hyperness. I am no longer cute cute, and bubbly yay yay... and not just tht. I guess tht is harmless. Somehow, Ive become so jaded, that I just cant react and behave the way jasmine does anymore. Ive become so negative. Ive become so self occupied. Ive lost tht factor tht he loved in me initially.

Tonight, Jasmine and his happy mood really changed the atmos ard. And though sad is sad,its true,that im sure Uncle wud wan us all to smile and be happy too. Aunty was still teary eyed at the end of the night, but she allowed him to play guit coz Uncle wudnt mind. I think to think off it that way, actually isnt wrong too. Aunty is really gg thru alot.

Jw was happy tonight. Really. At least to a certain extent. And I am comforted to noe tht. tht is all tht matters now. Im sure it wud have affected me if he was moody and all. Whatever he feels i feel double...and it was great to see him smile so much again. Jas, thanks gurl, for cheering up his day today. :)I noe what he is gg thru... dep down.. but anything now that can make him smile, or anyone for tht matter, pls do so.. coz I only bring sadness and a natural low to him. So I cant be the one there, even though I care (that rhymes).

I realised everytime a bf and I break up, the positive one ends up being him and i take the other side, when initially, we start off on the opp roles.

Pardon me, im sleepy and just trying to get my thoughts out here.

I wrote thru the work day as usual,so heres the rest of my entries:

------------

*deep breath*. Ive FINALLY finished my work for today. my brain is stale as cuttle fish when its turned bad...

I think Im gonna write a new song soon... but gonna complete the fifth one first... dnt wana be doing things half way....

anyway, gg to jw's later.. wait a min i just said tht earlier argh... yea meeting harri and jun after tuition then gg with them.....

ya i dont know what to say liao....tata

------------
hello me... i think ure going a bit crazy now...ure tired, ure hearing all these people toking abt things u do not understand and all u dohere, is staple, unstaple, sort, match and print documents... are u doing olrite, me??? HELLO? hahahaa.. omg.. im gg insane.... i so wana just sleep rite now... i always wana sleep when its not time to sl;eep.... and always wana stay up when its time to sleep.... hahahahahaha God cant even help u with tht babe... LALAL.. oh wait did i say babe??? nono ure more like pig than pretty... look at u getting fat these days... what do u miss? ohh yea, i hear u..... okays me.. hug hug love love... be good take care.. just abt forty mins to go before u zi[ off to see yr china kid... maybe u shud decide tonite if u wana continue taking him eh? but wudnt it be too sooN: hahaha... omg... hahaha i remember jermaine telling u last nite abt her boynow.. ahaha shes like inc loud 99 hahaha but he seems nice to her... hope it works out for the best.... ahahaha....melmelmel...

-----------

things are getting quite sickening yet quite funny here.
Im currently doing more sorting and stuff in d office, and i have to print these invoices tht must be done ONE AT A TIME. and the printer is abt a metre away. So ive been walking up and down abt 52 times already at least. And not counting the times tht the office printer jammed on us... i ahte what im doing...... =s

-----------

I can't stop thinking of how awful it is, to lose one's father at such an age.

Whatever the family dynamics are, sadness is definite.

How fast he will get over it is another thing.

Maybe i feel sadder but in a different way. I feel sad for him, and I feel sad for various other reasons.

But I remember watching as they put the white cloth over uncle's head, and wrapping his body with another cloth..then moving him or his body to the white vehicle, with an orange stretcher. His body was carried like feather weight. He was really skin and bones. it looked like they were carrying a ........

Witnessing this kind of scene, changes one to a definite extent. And he
isn't even my father. He feeels to me like a relative, someone I called uncle, but in my heart started to love more than just a neighbour or friend's father.

I do not know if it is inappropriate to talk of these things so openly,
and I hope it isn't disrespectful to my love, or our friends who might be reading this, but the way it has affected me, keeps me thinking of the events of yesterday, and especially the moment that weiwei was on the verge of tears.

For some time, I wondered what wud happen if this day came.
And to see him so sad, broke my heart.
I think that is what hurt the most.
But I also feel for Jm, him being the eldest of the family, and having been with their parents the longest.
But again, like I mentioned yesterday...Aunty has it the worst. God be with her...

-------

I really find this job sian until... very uncomfortable... though its brain dead work, all the terms i hear everyday are totally off my tangent. I feel like im in foreign land tht listens to no music. And whats the slogan i believe in? "Life without music is a mistake". I wonder how long more I can last here, though technically I dont have a choice, unless I somehow talk my way out..... of coz thts if i have back up. Its miserable, when u feel like ure wasting yr time away, doing nonsense.

And im damn sleepy. 830am, we start work here. Peopl are in here before that. Thats crazy.

But theres ONE thing I enjoy..which is the lunch hour. The people here are all quite 'siao' , and tned to let lose during lunch hour. We ordered in pizza today, which was quite funny. But besides that, work time is so so tterribly....mentally torturing. I still miss gramophone and blujaz work. Both of which I need to sacrifice all my evenings. :(

Gotta go teach my china kid later. Im really not up to it today. I feel like throwing everything away. the job, the tuition... just fo uncomfortable with it all.

God, please show me some light .

The seventeen mag photographer came down to my office during lunch. Hes actually from the first bactch of FSV. Name is Wei Te. HOW KEWL. gosh.... wow.

Finally got the photos taken. With all the limitations and restrictions of coz.... -_-.

I feel a tad better emotionally, after lunch... am a bit busy now.. so i shall go. see ya.

Dont know if im still gg for the wake later..

One of my all time favourites

Guns N Roses- Knocking on heaven's door


Mama take this badge from me
I can't use it anymore
It's getting dark too dark to see
Feels like I'm knockin' on heaven's door

Knock-knock-knockin' on heaven's door, hey, hey, hey, hey, yeah
Knock-knock-knockin' on heaven's door
Knock-knock-knockin' on heaven's door, yeah
Knock-knock-knockin' on heaven's door, yeah

Woah, yeaha
Woah, yeaha

Mama put my guns in the ground
I can't shoot them anymore
That cold black cloud is comin' down
Feels like I'm knockin' on heaven's door

Knock-knock-knockin' on heaven's door, hey, hey, hey, hey, yeah
Knock-knock-knockin' on heaven's door
Knock-knock-knockin' on heaven's door, yeah
Knock-knock-knockin' on heaven's door, yeah

"You just better start sniffin' your
Own rank subjugation jack 'cause it's
Just you against your tattered libido,
The bank and the mortician, forever man
And it wouldn't be luck if you could
Get out of life alive"

Knock-knock-knockin' on heaven's door, hey, hey, hey, hey, yeah
Knock-knock-knockin’ on heaven’s door,
Knock-knock-knockin’ on heaven’s door, yeah
Knock-knock-knockin’ on heaven’s door,
Knock-knock-knockin’ on heaven’s door,
Knock-knock-knockin’ on heaven’s door,
Knock-knock-knockin’ on heaven’s door,
Knock-knock-knockin’ on heaven’s door, woah, woah yeah
Knock-knock-knockin’ on heaven’s door,
Knock-knock-knockin’ on heaven’s door, woah yeah
Knock-knock-knockin’ on heaven’s door,
Knock-knock-knockin’ on heaven’s door, woah, oh yeah

I dont want to imagine how it feels...

the changes, the transitions even...

another stage of learning to be strong...

i just finished ironing.. doubt im gonna sleep...

think i shud stay up and keep him company too...

anyway.. heres a video he just sent me..

Blue-Cowboy Bebop


Another from Cowboy bebop


Don't it always seem to go
that You don't know what you've got till it's gone

I know that ultimately, we all should be happy.
But a part of me cant help but at least for these few days, feel sad. There's more to it than just that. But that someone close to me has lost a family member. And of all people...the one closest to my heart emotionally, save for nick of coz.

Ive never ever seen him cry. Not even today. But it pained so much to see him hold back as we stood respectfully next to his father's .....bedside. His nose was red. And I knew that I didnt need to do anything but just be there to show support to him. it's smth I promised him and myself a long time ago, should this day come.

He and his bros, took the similar way of toking abt everything else..esp him, and I cud understand that way of dealing with it. I cant stress more how worried I am for his mum most of all.

...

Sadness overwhelms me today.
But I know he is with the Lord now.
No more suffering.
Everyone is sorta relieved yet grieving.
I only ask Lord, that you watch over his family, esp his wife,Auntie P.Y.
She needs you more than ever now Lord.
But we know you never fail to carry us.

He went peacefully, in the midst of prayer. I think that was the best already.
Thank you lord, for his life.

Always dearly remembered and missed, Unlce B. K.

Eternal Light shine unto him O lord, And may he rest in peace.....

amen

Hey Jus,
I just read yr recent entry. haha., you seriously make me wana squah myself into your suitcase more and more and start a new life in York. York sounds exciting and really refreshing!
I so need a holiday. Ive said this many many many times.
Ive missed a ge-zillion trips with Harri to Malacca, or Thailand or KL.
Tonite, Xris asked me if I wana go to Tioman or JB in Nov.. GOSH. I really wud love to.

Somehow, Im going to go for a holiday end of the yr. With who it doesn't matter.
I just need a break,. so badly, before I totally break.

Feel awful today.

I think it's quite freaky when you predict and sense things that turn out to be true.
And today, it happened again.

I woke up with this uncomfortable feeling that Jw's dad was not doing well.
And later I found out from Vera, then Harri and Charles that his dad's in SGH, and that today, might be his..... I think I remember really freaking out when I was informed. Confused and wasnt sure if he wanted me to noe abt this at all or not. But then again, I really didnt want to end up seeing him in a worse state than now. (use yr commen sense and figure out what Im trying to say).

:( So I rushed down to the hospital and stayed through with his brothers and mother and some of his relatives that I know. Was lucky to hitch a ride back from Auntie Wai Han...We'll all very unsettled now.. coz Auntie Poh Yoke is there with him, but it may be anytime.. anytime at all tonight even... and we're all planning on seeing him tmr, still.

Thier pastor came down and we had some prayers done and took holy communion.
Uncle Boh Kim is struggling to breathe now. I feel terrible just seeing him like this. But I have to be strong for them. I was so frightened this afternoon and cried out of fear and worry, but I was ok when I was there.

Uncle and Auntie are really being so strong even at this time. Though it saddens me to see Auntie slowly breaking, but I know she'll be fine in d end. Uncle cudnt tok much becoz of the oxygen mask, but he cud mouth one or two words.

Please pray for him and his family. We'll see how tmr goes...gd nite everyone.

Guys, Ive linked Amanda Tee, she is a fellow Muso, friend, singer-songwriter-guitarist, and I'm really impressed with her site.

Do check it out here or go to my links section in future.

I am so impressed that the thought of setting up my website again, is starting to go into serious thought.

We'll see how.

Ciao. im latwe for church already. AHH.

Saturday, 26th August 2006

-A Productive Day, with Clarity-

Im happy today happened. And by this I mean every part of today. Im not just jolly, just becoz I had a day of fun, but because today was very productive and well spent and well deserved at the end of the night.
You will see an entry below that I wrote in the morning in the office. And you will realise the drastic difference in feelings and content, compared to what I'm going to explain right now in the next paragraph.

Just to lay out what I did today: I went to work, then headed to Tampines, had a bite, bought myself a few guitar picks, bought an assesment book for my p2 kid whoose called zhe hui / jimmy, and went to his place to give him tuition.
I was rewally delighted to bump into Nick, and we decided not to head to Sam's tonight, because the timing was just bad and we were both tired. I still had to head down to town later. So we caught up over coffee bean coffee, which nick treated (awww) and we headed off on the train together.
I went to Nikky's office, to slip my timesheet under the door, and headed down to Blujaz straight after.Bus 7 is so slow on weekday nights.

Going to Blujaz tonight, was the best decision Ive made in these two days. The second best would have been that I didn't go for their jam yesterday. And the third, wud be that I followed Charles and family home tonight instead.

Blackpepper played three sets. Funk, jazz, fusion, all ropped in. Foreigners commented they are the best around Singapore so far, and I dare agree. I think this is only feasible becoz BP consists of YP, Charles, Kalai and Jase. Four really fantastically talented musicians, who also work well and read each other's minds well. The sets were very tight, very clean, very well done. Everyone was wowed. I'm proud and happy for them and off them.

Im also happy coz I cud sense Charles felt good tonight. A certain high came back to him in the middle of the set and he was smiling and singing with real honesty again. I cud sense it, and I was happy for him.
Im happy to have such a mutual friend and confidante in him. Always good to have a healthy platonic relationship with someone of the opp sex.

* Tonight, I gained back the clarity of mind that I had a few months ago when Charles and I sat at the food court of Paradise Centre, talking about my very complicated relationship; which presently, has only gotten more complicated. But tonight, I finally have decided. I mean this like the way I decided enough was enough with a certain someone else last time. It comes a point, where you feel it in your bones and your head is telling you and rejecting every bit of feelings for the person right now. Ive got to make myself clear here. We all have blame, unfairness, and whatnots, if you want to go and weigh out every bit of the relationship. No one is at fault anymore, really. it's no point anyway, thinking about all these coz there will be no end to it.
But tonight, Im relieved that Amanda and Ling came for the gig. I found out that L has been aware of his vibes all the while, and even Amanda knew.(This topic was not purposely brought up) The unknowing awkwardness between L and I has finally been realised. I hate myself for having taken an immediate resentment to her initially. But I know it is only natural. I shared with Amanda on a general history, and it helped me to think out what exactly I feel now. I dont hate or blame him, becoz hes simply not ready. Hes too excited to noe different kinds of people esp girls, and who can resist babes like L or K or V or N or C for that matter? All of them have a bit more than I do. They either have tht cute look, tht querkiness he likes, that womanly-ness or that confidence that exudes out of them. I am who I am. And nothing will really change that.
I observed tonight, that I was becoming a barrier for him to get to talk with L. Many times he walked past, and he could have just joined us, but I cud sense tht hesitation. He really wanted to just tok to her. I was definitely not toking to her for any other ill reason at all. Honest to heaven. In fact, Ling and I finally got to chat with each other proper, and we discussed stuff to work with Amanda even, pehaps. That feeling, was really nice. I am aware of some stuff as well, but I do not wish to divulge.

At the end of the night, I watched as he sat by himself for a while and I started helping James to clear the tables. I really love the people there and since I cudnt help out or work tonight as requested, I just helped whatever way i cud for tht short while before I went off. Amanda and Ling planned to take a cab home together. I knew that by right, it made sense that I shouldve gone back with him, but now, I no longer want to wait ard for him, and then have him feel so irritated tht Im waiting to go back with him. I finally broke my "Blujaz after gig habit". Elvin and Charles offered to give me a lift, and I was really glad to take it up. Besides, he went over to tok to L. So, I wud guess he wanted to.

U see, Ive given up. Not in a bad way. it's time, finally. I'm letting go, and everything will change. Becoz Im living up to my principle of going to the very ends and trying my very best till it hurts so bad, then I give it all up. And tonight I reached my limit. I think hes not really interested if I was there tonight. I mean this, that the special someone he wud wana hear comments or opinions from, wud be L and not me. As I felt it first hand tonight, whatever I said, just went by with a "mm" or a physical nod of the head. he went over and was eager to ask her. She knew it as well.

So. Ok. It's really alright. It's time to say good bye, and it's time to let him go feel and do whatever he wants. When I think back on what Harri said some time ago, it's true. He only really loved AND treasured me the first few months of our time together. I just didnt listen. I was like any other idiot who didnt wana hear the truth.

Im happy, Im finally closing my own chapter. I dont hate or resent him. He is my friend. And this means I noe tht we dont share or confide much, or even speak the truth.. we go out with friends and it might stay surface for as long as he stays closed as a "book", and I will just be here.

Its not like hes a bad guy or anything. Hes just young, and like all of us, so messed up. Hes a good musician. Im just very disappointed and upset at how it all went wrong. But its not like he doesnt or didnt try.At least he hlped me to find my zip tonight. SORT , OF. He just somehow gets it wrong along the way alot of the time.

Its ok if he doesnt love me anymore. Its ok if i dont interest him anymore. Im done. And it's for our good.

Having an ill father is an issue on its own.
Having a difficult working life is also another.
Having alot of uncertainty and things abt yrself that ure g thru is also another.
All affect and inter-spill into each other.
But I cannot and will not tolerate anymore, an unfocused heart. I have put up with it for too long. i have let it eat me till it cant eat me anynmore. No more hurting over things he writes abt lady a, b, c, or z. No more hurting over pictures of them everytime i clikc his name. no more wondering and wonderingand only feeling wose.

I do understand why he has stopped confiding in me. Definitely awkwardnes is one, a certain amount of guilt is another, and just that, theres too much we've been through already.
I knew him so well, that everytime he liked someone, I knew immediately. I was never wrong. I knew him tht well.

But I will continue to be there, and give him support. And if he never realises who has loved him unconditionally, that wud be sad but I'll be ready to accept it anyway.

Better to let go, than to hold onto smth that has no more meaning anymore.. Anyway, if he's happier, then I should be too.

Who was I to be "Hero"?
Everybody needs somebody, sometimes.

[AT WORK THIS MORNING]
A feeling of helplessness has come over me.
Many things have happened in the last few months.

To start off with, I have had five jobs since april, and now it's augst. Im really tired. Since exactly a yr ago, ive changed numerous jobs. If I count them, Ive had 11 jobs in total. If u minus off the five these last four months, then I had six jobs since april of last yr to apr of this year. That would have avergaed out to a new job every two months.

Ive shfited twice, stayed with C's aunt for three weeks, and thereafter ive been with pat for the last five months. I have a feeling that i'll be shifting again. Why and how come i'm so special and different from everyone that these things are all happening to me? Yeah, I know everyone has different predicaments.

But I'm really tired. The momentary happpiness I experience isnt enuff to hold me together anymore. It never was to beign with. I fell and I picked myself up again. Things wee starting to look better.

But now, I feel like Ive really lost all zest to brave the brewing storms ahead. It's not that I don't intend or want to. It's not that I don't pray or know that i am stronger. Its not that I lack suport totally. I know I need to continue walking this absurd life, but what I would like is a serious break, and some form of motivation to really put a real smile back on my face again.

Everyone's tired. Everyone needs to run and hide sometimes.
I just want to be away, and have some peace of mind.

The people around me are all struggling. Most od them at least. Even those who are parents. perhaps evem my own parents. I woudlnt know.

But I am an empty cup now, covered with a cap, and seeing only the darkness, evevn though I know there is light beyond this covered cup. Because people are dying, and I should make the most of my life but I feel old already. Day by day, I can feel my body crying out silently, that it needs rest. yet the sleepless nights have come back.

I am not the same anymore.
A high point might come again, but i know the low is never too far away. But the high will come again, and I can only pray.

No one really knows how much I need some rest now.

...in her head again.......

-Realisations of the day-

Today, must have been planned by my Lord upstairs, for things to happen and stuff.

Certain things (calls and conversations) transpired in the last two hours, with just abt all the people that mattered to me in terms of friendship, love and my impending music (gigs).

I had sms, call, and online conversations with Charles earlier, and we talked about alot of things.
I spoke with Jw. And certain apologies needed to be said.
I spoke with Kalai, off some history in order for him to know how to play the game for our upcoming gig.
I spoke with Pat, and I think there's gonna be a serious conversation soon.

The matters that were touched on were serious, and have adverse effects on how im gonna go about my life with the people or with my passion from here on.
Perhaps, even worse things will happen. This I mean, maybe I might have a change of environment even.

I need to write an email and conclude smth thats been rather messy.

All of us, are having it really hard now.
That's what life swirls at us doesnt it.

The most impt fact is that its really hit me today, that Ive been too self absorbed. Ive been far too emotional, Ive been juggling what I cant handle emotionally, and that becoz of the pathetic way Ive been, I think ive caused myself, to irritate or displease or be avoided. Simply becoz I tire people ard me.

We, (you and I), really should have an honest conversation. I think there's alot you're not saying and there's alot we should sort out.I mean this, with the best intentions. Becoz Ive not been listening.

I don't know when this started to happen, but perhaps, Ive stopped listening to people around me. people who really need it, like you.

Jw's dad...is not doing well. Simon's dad is in the exact situation...Mel's dad is facing a pretty similar situation and I hope for Charles and his family, that his mum will continue to be alright... and Cikgu Rathia just passed away. I read that Corrinne May's Granded just passed away as well. That upset me.

I dont know how to feel anymore.
Im sorry, I need some time.

What have I become?
Why have I detriorated to this?

I looked at Jw's dad that day, someone I thought I was gonna call family one day, honest, (well that thought was somewhere lingering) and I really felt sadness in my heart. It's not like I don't know him...and I cared for him pretty much. Lord, atch over him please.

Harri, thanks for tonight.
Everyone, I'm sorry for imposing, I'm sorry for being who I am recently.

My second or third entry on Librans (guys)

HELLO? Is there ANY GIRL out there that Jus and I might noe, who is dating a LIBRAN man?

We cannot explain further how accurate we are, with describing them.

they are, COLD.

>My heart fell when i read Jus dear's latest entry on her new blog. (I have yet to change her blog add on the link here because I kinda wana retain that memory of her old blog each time I click on her name.)

Jus, that feeling, that SINKING (literally) damn awful feeling when he said "nice" to you, cudnt get any lower, I strongly believe. Many a time, I have felt the same way. I emphatise with Jus, and am glad someone else understands this feeling (though of coz i wish she doesn't have to; having to deal with the two extreme emotions, day in, day out. (and again, of coz some day feel "lighter", but that really doesn't happen too often.) Many a time, when Im really happy about smth, ie. I cantored well in church, because it is always a big challenge for me each time that I do, I'd alwasy think of him as the first person i wana share it with. Sometimes when a movie is sad, or good, the first person i wana tell, is him. And foolishly like Jus, despite whatever I might be feeling towards him for that moment, I'd msn him esp if he's so conveniently online, and tell him. And too many times, I'd get the reply " nice.." or "that's nice...". No emoticons to decipher what's hidden behin his screen, and always with three dots.... I'd always grin like a stupid little girl when I get the VERY RARE reaction such as " that's great...". And even then, sometimes it is so damn painful.

Only Jus and I will know how this feels.
I don't need to say anymore.

However, I thank God that today I felt alot lighter.
Maybe silent prayer time with my father in heaven worked for me last night. I don't know.

Jus, HUGE HUG and congratulations on your scholarship. I just knew you would get it :). Muaks.

Thursday, 24th August 2006
In the office

Maybe writing here helps, though it doesn't go online. (Ok, so i HAVE decided to put it online.) (You see im writing this in the office. But the IT here is so good, that we only have access to the comapny's email and intranet. So i can't be online. LOL. Danit. HAHAHA.)

I nearly wanted to call in sick today. It seems to be a bad habit or routine
I have every time Im on a job.
My manager put it quite aptly the other day, during lunch,
that youngsters have energy for play, but not for work. And I remember most cautiously
replying to her that it's the mind that can't handle the mundane and uninteresting routine of work in youngsters.
Unless that youngster finds work that he truly enjoys. (My stand being that play, is different all the time,
but obviously for work, it goes on day after day, week, after week; year after year. I think, that
unending feeling is really, very unbearable to even think of. Hah, though one might say then that youngsters would not mind having play go on forever and ever, as long as they have the "ke-chings", to maintain that playful lifestyle. And, I am compelled to say that SOME of the youngsters today, DO indeed enjoy that sinful luxury. Though I would say that when they eventually face reality, that will be quite a shock for them.)

And so, this morning I felt most terrible.
I was sleepy, and by that I mean that I really felt like sleeping and getting some rest.
I have this bodily disfunctionality, that makes me feel very tired in the morning, and very awake at night.
Yea, older folks will tell us it's a youngsters problem definitely. It's our daily bad habits of
sleeping late that eventually leads to it becoming part of our body's routine.

But somehow I thought of the money, and the fact that if I make the same mistake as before, and not turn up for
work, esp it being the 3rd day only and all, im probably gonna find mysef losing this job sooner or later.
So I willed myself to wake up. I don't have a choice, coz everyone else wakes up for work.
It really sucks. But I knew that if I were to not go to work, I'd wake up late in the afternoon, feeling worse than
going to work. And I really don't feel good when that happens, because i feel a huge degree of guilt,
and ueslessness. I'd feel defeated, and feeling defeated by your very self, is the worse feeling ever.

If students can wake up for school; bright and early in the mroning, why can't I right? And this is not even as early
as relief teaching or teaching or any other shift job that starts wayyy earlier in the morning.
AHA, this is what I mean by taking up older people's advice! HAHAH! (did I just say that??!) Coz kor used to
advise me never to compare oneself with those better than you, but rather those worse off than yourself. And so that's exactly what I'm foing now.
In a way it's true.
Just how and in what way will you feel better comapring to those richer?, those "happpier"?, or those
lucky ones who start work at 10ish am and knock off at 6ish? LOL *winks at *Jus*. HAH. But having said that,
there are those who start wayy early in the morning, and don't drop their work till bedtime. And I do know
some people who do that. Some of them are mothers, some are very busy young adults, and some are working hard to put their career somehwere on that corporate ladder for theier future.

Anyway.. I'll continue later. Work calls. *mutter*.

[AFTER LUNCH]

Alright, I'm back from lunch. I'm still as sleppy as I was a few hours ago. ^o)
Afew more hours to go, and I can head home and meet Fi later!!! :) I wanted to meet jie tonight,
but I realy feel that she should spend time with Kae.

Hahaa. I wonder why I feel lighter today. :s Starange. It's not like my mind isn't thinking of.. you-know-what-and-who, but just that tday, it doesn't seem to bother me that much. Or maybe it doest, but my mind hasn't started thinking yet, cosnidering that it's half asleep *GRIN*. The only question I have had on my mind since the incident the previous night, is whether he is angry about it. But, in the same breath, I'll say that I don't care if he is, because technically he has noright to feel that way about it. It's a free world and I can be-friend anyone I want, even his friends, and it's no blardy fucking big deal. If he feels threatened, or hurt, well so do I. If he says that I can do anything I want, then yes, this is "anything" for him. HAHAHAHA. Please la, people, I'm not so mean ok. I don't do those one eye for the other kinda thing. But what I'm trying to say is, I'm saddened that such a matter meant like the world was shaking to him. Sometimes, he doesn't even bother to reply msgs. But he could bother to msgme about this sort of thing. It only proves my instincts right more and more. This is JUST how well I know him.

But librans? They don't are, and they don't sat a word till it really matters. And it took one action from me for him to go to such an extent to question. Just over smth like that. That would mean my months of crying, and trying so hard to show him how much he means to me, isnt even a quarter as much of an impact to make himw ana say or do anything.

I think quiet time with God helped last night. I seem lghter today. SORT. OF.

[LATER]

....
sleepy... sleepy... hahahaha...gosh can't wait to knock off.

listening to rachael yamagat now! NICE! Anyone has collide? Can send to me pls??!?!?!!? :))))

And anyone has sweet smile by Guns and Roses??

Much thanks!

mel!


p/s: curse tht stupid idiot in the company who just told me to take off my headphones... common man, im doing my work! ASSSSSSHOLE.

[BEFORE WORK ENDED]

Oh btw, if any of u wana reach me via internet during office hours, for the next two months, u can email me me Melissa.Liaw@expeditors.com coz the comps in d office dont allow internt use and can only access email and intranet. We're talking abt company email only even. So, anything urgent, u dont wana call, u dont wana msg, just email me! And i will reply u!!! :) wohoooo

[AT NIGHT]
It's the fourth day at work tmr, and Im already sotired. OH MAN. ...this weekend is pretty packed for me. I have Sam's Office warming tmr after work, and gotta head to taka to pass Nikky my timesheet for work before that.
Sat ive got my first lesson with my china boy after work. Then I have Sam/s house warming at night. Quite sad that I cant go for BP's last gig at Blujaz.
Sunday, I am cantoring, and have Jared's concert right after mass. Looks like it's gonna be a damn busy weekend. :( Sighs.

Gosh... am beat. Night all.

Kalai called. Im relieved hes so eager and so committed tio to the gig already. Thats one less thing to worry about.

ciao. another boring day at work tmr.

I wanted to write... but now, I am suddenly too tired. Think I'm just gonna pray and go to sleep soon.

I'll update tmr perhaps. Anyway, there was much sadness, in me today, and much happiness at the end of the day as well. So maybe I shudnt write abt it for once.

But the happiness bit was a great gig of four great musician friends i noe who inspired me at their open mic tonight.That really cheered me up.

But the bigger part, was Gerry jie's e-mail. It has made me wana not talk abt the sad bit. And tht in itself is very powerful, considering how much I normally keep inside till I get home and come online to this webpage to blog.

Anyway, I cudnt get more hurt by him already. So saying more will only just be the same things all over again. I really dont feel like waahing disrty linen tonight.

Gd nite.

...i cudnt take it...staying online, toking to u.. knowing tht ure prob gg to see her perform tmr.. u think i dont know.. but i do.. and then seeing all these pics of other girls.. and i run to the piano and work on my songs, and my anger gets vented ont he keys.. and i burst into tears.

FIRST, Im gonna apologise to Jus girl..becoz right now, Im gonna paste her entry here, and Im doing this becoz how she feels is entirely and exactly how I feel. Well, mostly. I have deleted some paras.

Sorry Jus... I know you wouldn't mind.

Justicia's latest entry: (in bold what i feel so much too)

but really, I’m nothing but an idealist. I yearn for the same as any other woman who have walked, are walking, or are going to walk the Earth.

What is the greatest thing that can ever happen to a woman? I say, to find true love. Love makes all things possible. Love washes away all hardships and in their place, are shared experiences (at least they are shared). Never underestimate the power of love. Whoever scoffs at love scoffs at me, because I believe in it.

Sometimes I just want to be a simple woman, with a loving husband and two children. A lot of Korean women are home-makers and I respect them greatly. It is bliss to be able to share a bed with another and wake up beside him for the rest of your life. To see him first in the morning and last at night. To fight over the bathroom. To quarrel over dishwashing. To cook for him. To worry when he’s not home. To miss him when he’s not around. To lend him my shoulder when he needs it. To tell him everything is going to be alright. I wish I could be such a simple woman, really.

Whenever I complete a Korean drama serial, I never fail to have this same feeling of emptiness, melancholy, longing and bittersweetness.

I thought of the times when he watched me do something silly, and I spotted him watching and he smiled at me. He hardly smiles; he doesn’t like to smile. But when he smiled at me, I knew he meant it with a lot of love. Librans, they’re all ice princes. They don’t talk much about themselves and they don’t open up to people very quickly. They need time to warm up to people. You have to slowly and silently creep your way into their hearts and one day they find you inside and hand you the key.

But with Librans, you always wonder. And it gets tiring, I suppose.

Sometimes, I feel fate has run its course. Other times, I feel maybe there is still hope a few years down the road. But does this matter now? When a relationship drags on for too long, you start pondering if love still exists or it’s just a tough habit to kick.

I especially miss him wrapping his arms around me from behind and just enjoying each other’s silent company. Those moments are priceless. I’d give an arm and a leg to relive those times again.

I just want to spend the rest of my life with the one person I really love.


I bold what I so so strongly feel above the rest of the paras...

Tuesday, 22nd August 2006

First day at work. Haha, my first of many firsts.
Gosh I'm in the uluest part of Changi.
I cudve peed in my pants, the way I felt today. So awkward, so foreign, so blurr, so scared.
But it ddin't go that badly.It's good enuff for the first day. the imediate supervisors made me feel welcome.

So, after work, i took a bus down to the bedok rd eating place near lisa's lair.. had a quicky dinner and headed to Big Sam's place for casntor practise. Ive got a tough psalm for september. A bit afraid. And I'm cantoring this sunday. Nowadays, it's becoming increasingly difficult to have a clear voice. Urgh. Haven been practising enuff, the control has gone out of whack again. Shit.

I'm currently working and improvising my new song. I feel much pride for it, though it's still not complete. My first original on the piano. I'm considering recording it in the near future. :)

Anyway, after practise earlier, I realised that Sam's place, which is opp summit, is the same bus stop that Jw alights. HAHHAHA! best! So, I walked home :)I swear the walk is really a breeze now compared to the first time I walked back. This time I added a KM! :P I think thts so kewl! hahahaaa. I love walking back home now... honest, cross me heart.

I bought some stuff for home at the petrol station, and when I came back I started laughing coz pat bought some stuff too. We ended up overlapping each other's "grocery list". hahaa. GEeejj.. haha

I wrote some stuff today, on my notebook again:

wo3 yi3 jing1 fang4 ni2 zou3 le4
dui4 bu4 qi3 wo3 rang4 ni3 ai4 de2 tai4 lei4
wo3 shi4 wu2 xin1 de4
wo3 yong3 yuan3 ai4 ni3.

----------
I felt it to be such a natural thing,
when I thought of sending you a msg because Pat needed some info on your band,
and the first two words I typed out was " hey dear,..." And then I realised, and backspaced, and said smth like " Hey blackpepperman,..pat wanted..." . I ddin't know how else to express my affection yet not show it.
---------

I know I have to let you go, because there's no turning back for you now. I should have held you tighht that evening,three months ago, when you said you'd give us another go.
Even if it meant me possibly losing you again,at least i cud have tried so much harder to make US work again.At least I wud have had another chance, of making u see tht ur love was worth it, and tht I cud love myself too. That I cud stand up while u held me and stand firm while u didn't. I cud have shown you that I cud be so capable.
I COULD HAVE...
--------

Hungry again.. gonna bathe and take something from the fridge.

Jus just said that Librans can be so cold, and tht they're silent.. and don't like to smile much. that they are charming, talented, and so easy to be around. That they give silly grins, when you catch them unknowingly.. u see, her once love is a libran too. I cudnt relate and agree more. So accurate. So damn accurate.

And we spoke abt how librans always leave u hanging, and wondering.. and tht they only speak up when they feel the extreme need to. Or when something impt to them is drifting away...

We spoke abt how they take things to heart, but also get over these things easily..hahaa.. these two librans we're talking abt really have alot in common. hahaa.

We touched on the issue of time. Time will just make us four more and more different.. and she's right, at the end of the day, you're no longer sure if love exists or if its just a habit u cant kick. Becoz you're soo used to each other already. Shes not sure, if she'll take him back if he returns..and i think i wud worry too, if tht happened.

---------
Anyway, did I mention that I've taken up a tuition assignment finally? I turned down quite a few coz they were like in sengkang, sims drive, or a level I cudnt handle. So yea.. im starting my first kid this sat. :)Twice a week, he's P2.. and aww china boy! haha, honestly, i love teaching the china kids. I taught a few, so I know. heh.

Also, Im waiting for the chinese christian album recording to start rolling. I also intend to head back to YMM next month. Plus! I think Pin Ji's supervisor, Pearlyn, might be able to land me some freelance writing jobs for Seventeen magazine! So wish me luckkkk!! Gonna pack my schedule and see how it goes.

I did some thinking today, and realised, these are the list of things I CAN do as a job, well, other than my average production work. LOL:

Teaching (Tuition, Kindergarden, Relief teaching)
Freelance Singing (Giggs, choir, weddings, carolling)
F&B
Sales
Freelance writing

And im still considering full time tuition, but I'll see how this one goes. I have my worries. If Kindergarden, i must be prepared to take a CPT dip. Relief, wont get me gg for long. F&B, Sales, both my forte, are weekend based, aka no time for anyhing else impt. And yea, both freelancing esp singing, I'd need a solid band, a reprtoire of 30 songs at least before I can head down to just any bar and audition for regular slots. Sooo, maybe I should start working on that for the next two months eh.

HAHAH. We'll see . We'll see.

See ya folks!. :)

This Sad Song-The Observatory

this sad song will write itself
when you're gone
& when there's no one else
empty the streets of people
& you'll find yourself
the saddest song
unfolding unto itself
this sad life lives by itself

when it's gone
no one wonders what's going on
empty the rooms of lonely people by themselves
their saddest lives unfolding
searching for a meaning to carry on

all good people who can never find love
true love for people
all their lives spent looking
for the hearts of people who can never find love
feed the hungriest hearts with love

this sad world all by itself
when it's gone
so will everybody else
empty the hearts of people who've never given love
to a stranger
filled with hunger in the heart

hungry the hearts of people who can never find love
hungry the hearts of people
all their lives spent looking
for the hearts of people who can never find love
feed the hungriest hearts with love.


Vivian, for some reason, i wish I could speak with you now...

Our questions.. our answers... look at the lyrics for each song.. i start with how he feels with the first song and we alternate with each song how I feel. Entirely based on his fav band...

Relationships With Sin - The Observatory

show me
mercy from this misery
it shouldn't be
no ray of light will seize your window
everything is dead
even the mattress on your bed
it shouldn't be filthy
relationships with sin

so the roads may be quiet
the trains may hum and sigh
the people on the street
walk their lives on by

show me
courage from this cruelty
it couldn't be
wear your carriage like an armour
the radio says
now that everything's in place
it couldn't be
how you let them slap you on your face

so the song may be nice
the faces may entice
the people swallow whole
as art is realized
show me
meaning from this comedy
it wouldn't be
a room like this is never vulgar
why the walls are red?
the children who will never sing
it wouldn't be
summer steps will never spring

so the heads may deny
the bodies may defy
the people & their lives
how they slip on by.

show me
courage from this cruelty
it couldn't be
wear your carriage like an armour
the radio says
now that everything's in place
it couldn't be
how you let them slap you on your face

so the song may be nice
the faces may entice
the people swallow whole
as art is realized
show me
meaning from this comedy
it wouldn't be
a room like this is never vulgar
why the walls are red?
the children who will never sing
it wouldn't be
summer steps will never spring

so the heads may deny
the bodies may defy
the people & their lives
how they slip on by.


Killing Time-- The Observatory

killing time
killing time
don't really know what to do?
sad is the man who lives by the sea

wasting time
wasting time
watching as nothing goes by
sad is the man with an empty life

killing time
killing time
long is the passage of time
sad is the man with an absent mind

beating time
beating time
run as the wind goes by
sad is the man who is tired of life

so sad is the man
so sad is the man
sad is the man who lives by the sea
sad is the man who lives by the sea

killing time
killing time
older the sea gets each day
sad is the man who has walked away

passing time
passing time
never once stopping to stay
sad is the man who has lost his way.


Time Of Rebirth- The Observatory

count the mistakes
the chances we take
& put them all in a basket
don't be afraid
to count all your eggs
to sell them all in the market place

learn we will learn to admit defeat
time understands when it wants to

time of rebirth
loved ones be loved
belonging
all those who gather
don't be alarmed
don't be afraid
we'll tell them
all in the human race

learn we will learn to admit defeat
time understands when it wants to

we do what we do
a little kindness too
so that others can do
what they want to

to all those who seek happiness
keep a record of all your sadness
for what we'll search
for what we'll mean
together
sooner or later
we learn

learn we will learn to admit defeat
time understands when it wants to


A Good Thing- The Observatory

what excites me
what defies my common sense
what makes up for what is lacking in the end

finally found an answer deep in you
and then you lose it
and it's true
when it's just too much of a good thing

no one likes me when i act like this
what possessed me to behave like this

i'm afraid to lose my mind

and then i lose it
and it's true
when it's just too much of a good thing



Oddball- The Observatory

falling
feeling
hostiling
bathing
moonlight

walling
wailing
hostiling
gaping
what sky
what sky do you life

saming
laybelling
sum-a-light-a-doubling
home-a-long-a-lumbeling
hostile
if fight fuck face

falling
failing


Failed Recollections Of A Fool- The Observatory

i couldn't be everything that you want me to be
i must have tried but i can't quite recall it
i couldn't be everything when there's nothing in me
i must have tried but now i'm tired and empty

where did i leave my head
where did i leave you
when have i ever said
"where did i leave you"

i couldn't be someone that i've never been
i must have tried but then i'm just an imitation
i couldn't be perfect
not when i'm so forgetful can i
i must have denied
all my inklings of madness

you must have seen when the daylight comes in that i'm still blind with unreason
you must have seen clearly you have and now you run from me
away from me
when i couldn't be
i'll never be

where did i leave my head
where did i leave you
when have i ever said
"where did i leave you"
oh i forget


I Didn't See Her-The Observatory

i saw the sunlight
i saw the moonlight
but i didn't see her
i couldn't see her

free as the morning
free as the evening
but you're never free here
and i'm never free here

i saw the sunshine
i saw the moonshine
who wouldn't live here
i couldn't live here

give me a new life
give me a new life
free as the morning
free as the evening


Strength From The Sun- The Observatory

i wish i got my strength from the sun

long time ago
no one told me
that i will always change
long time ago
like a golden oldie
it spins in the air
and makes it strange

i wish i got my strength from the sun

long time ago
no one told me
that i am not the same
long time ago
no one told me
i spin in the air
and make it strange

i wish i got my strength from the sun


....
What's this all about.
Where's this illusion
Of love that will stay.
Not love without permanance?
Which one is an illusion now?
I choose again, the road less travelled.
I choose the way that many frown upon
but I know why I choose it..

To suffer intantionally
for you
is what I seem to love
to put myself through
How long will you make me wait..

it was great staying up online tonight with u. three words. [9] [12 14 22 5] [21].

Gerri has this one on her blog.. but i honestly find this so beautiful.

Stef Sun and Tanya Chua - yuan dian


and this one as well. Stef's ying xing ren.

a*mei- wo ke yi bao ni ma


a*mei- ai yi guo le tian mi qi


a*mei- lan tian


a*mei- zhen shi

Erykah Badu- Sweet MELISSA (lol)


Erykah Badu- Bag Lady

Natalie Imbruglia-Torn


Natalie Imbruglia- Shiver

Alanis Morisette

Shiina Ringo- STEM


La Salle De Bain


(for u harri)

Saving All My Love For You


A few stolen moments, is all that we shared
You've got your family, and they need you there
Though I try to resist, being last on your list
But no other man's gonna do
So I'm saving all my love for you

It's not very easy, living all alone
My friends try and tell me, find a man of my own
But each time I try, I just break down and cry
Cause I'd rather be home feeling blue
So I'm saving all my love for you

You use to tell me, we'd run away together
Love gives you the right to be free
You said be patient, just wait a little longer
But that's just an old fantasy

I've got to get ready, just a few minutes more
Gonna get that old feeling
When you walk through that door
Cause tonight is the night for feeling alright
We'll be making love the whole night through
So, I'm saving all my love
Yes, I'm saving all my love
Yes, I'm saving all my love for you
No other women is gonna love you more
Cause tonight is the night
That I'm feeling alright
We'll be making love the whole night through
So, I'm saving all my love
Yes, I'm savin all my loving
Yes, I'm saving all my love for you
For you
For you


And yes, since you sent me the video link, you shud noe, i speak these words, out quietly

Eternal Memories+Curious LIVE - Crystal Kay

...in her head again.......

I wrote a new song btw. After Claire left, I felt quite inspired. Coz at tht point this morning, I felt odd and weird. I felt like doing something "Claire-ish" haha. I mean, smth more tori amos, vocally-styled. I have been working on a rift for some time now, way before jw's and my break-up. I used to practise this at his place, but there was just no inspiration to finish it.

Then recently i wrote out two new sets of lyrics. My usual habit, is to always sing and play whatever chords and write at the same time. At least that's how it had been for the last four originals. This time round, I took the rift and staretd playign it on the piano today. I took my latest set of lyrics, and started singing. After three hrs, I came out with a new song. I'm pretty damn proud of it HAHAHA. Coz it's a very different side of me. It's a very different feel. It's my next stage of song writing if you have to give it a period. It's on piano and it's pretty maneageable for me.

Claire is impressive. I read thru her lyrics for her songs, and coz usually she doesn't pronounce all her lyrics so well, or because the methaphors she uses are pretty difficult, so I can never really hear all her words. but damn, she's good. She writes fantastically, and Im astounded by her songs actually. Even Jw is, and Charles has always been impressed by her. But she realli is a writer to look up to. Phrasing and all just flows so well for her.

So my new song is titled " Titled * " HAHA. Not as cheem as claire's.. but I have my reasons. It's lovely. I love it.

Ok, upon request by my bro, here is a preview of it. HAHA.

-Titled *-

[Intro]

Unsure
But
Some funny things
Are happening

I’m not sure
What I should
Be feeling

Kind of a (x2)
Hap-hap-py feeling
Not, over
Exhilarated

[Instru]

Comfortable
Different
Interesting
& Simple

I think
That it is
Mysterious

[2 chord instru]

Is it going well
Or am I making it
Too quick

Slow is what I know
Now, now should be

Abit afraid
I might
Spoil
Slip
NOW

Afraid to appear
Uninteresting
Boring

Perhaps I feel this way
Because I’m only Human (x3)

(C)melissa-desiree

...in her head again.......

Saturday, 19th August 2006

He really needs to be alone.
I always forget that.
I always forget, that in army for five days a week, hes stuck in there and it gets terrible. Esp since hes been gg thru it for more than one and a half yrs now.

I really appreciate your gesture tonight. You ddin't have to spend time with me but you did. You ddin't have to buy me dinner, but you did. You ddin't have to go to esplanade with me, but you did. Thank you for your own version of a birthday celebration. I know you were tired, with what four hrs of sleep last night.

You came to my plc this morning and I found it rather odd. It hurt when You didn't offer me the chance to follow you out after the jam here. You said you were gg home to sleep. And I was so used to tagging along whereever...be it to yr plc, or out. And then later I found out that you didn't go home and you went to the Arts House for Pauls whatever his names's clinic, which didnt entirely interest you in d end. But you were happy you saw Natalie Tan. I could tell. You spoke abt her thrree times tonight. Ok then.

You said you went to sweelee as well before meeting me. That Kalai was at work and all.

We met for dinner, and as usual as spoke abt the most frivolous things that didn't matter to either of us much. We just had to cover up and find smth to talk abt, which eventually drained both of us as the night went on. We were too eager to just eat our food, be at the gig and go home. No, wait.. you I mean. I'm not saying tht it is true or implying that it is. I just felt, we still have more importnat things to talk abt. But I know you'll never talk abt it again. BUT. I just enjoyed and treasured sitting right next to you again... having some of you for the night.

I hooe you didnt mind when I rested my head on your shoulder a few times. Or when my skin accidentally touched yours while we sat side by side at the gig. I hope I wasn't intruding, and I wasn't coming across desperate. All Ive wanted is that someone to lean on. I can't even do that with a normal friend, so I hope you didn't mind. I'm still so used to it. And only yrs seems to feel right.

The gig was awesome. That band, despite the fact that they played covers of famous mainstream pop rock songs, were very good.All four of them play at different places on mons, tues, thurs, fris i think I cant remember.
In the middle of the gig, I noticed you took out the obs cds with the bklets, twice. I was quick to judge. As from the corner of my eye, I saw you starring intently at the photos clipped to the pages. Later I heard you were thinking of what obs songs to play other than erykah badhu and shina ringo. Ok then. The gig was so good. Somehow you faded off for a bit. I can imagine how tired you were, coz I was already quite tired myself.

Charles took mrt in d end.(he was at suntec's balaclava) We took 14 back. I told myself i should NOT drop at the same stop as you. But I found myself doing so. Major habit. Had to see you home, if not I wud have felt horrible. Axtually weird rather. Coz I always see u home, since forever. The night ended so quickly. I was really happy till we walked back. Why does time pass so fast when you're with someone u love? But I cud see you needed time alone. So I had to walk off. I hope I wasn't tagging for too long today.

I said to you tonight, that you dont need to worry abt disappointing me, and that Im the last person on EARTH you can disapoint. I guess in that line, I bit my tongue. But it still makes sense. Coz when you disappoint me, Im actually causing my own hurt and disappointment. Coz u no longer need to do anything for me. It's my expectations that have not died. I don't know how long I'll keep going on like this. But being with you tonight, was far better than longing for you and crying to myself.

Then you mentioned vivian and natalie again. Theres nothing I can say. I cant do anything more to impress you. I am who I am. I wont go on listening to the same band just becoz you're ard me, but tonight I did. But I really, don't hold it agaist you. That won't be fair either.

I just hope when the time comes that i leave you in my heart,because by then I'll force myself to die inside, and let u free, that it will be painless for us both me. As I walked home tonight, I realised again, and I always forget, that there are only a few things he wants to deal with now. Music, himself, and making sense of this whole mad world.

I'm. Nothing. I can feel his burden.
And he told me tonight, that he did something most loving for his mother. I have to agree that at his age, that is the most noble thing ever. And Im deeply proud of him. I cud never and still cant even be able to have enuff for myself.

Maybe it's this simple. This is why I love him. Because he is, deep down a great boy. He's just jaded, like u, like me, and like alot of you out there.

So as I walked back tonight, I told myself "Maybe it's time I really really let him go". Holding on isn't going to do any good. Not for me, and then not for him. because then each time we go out, i'm prob gonna unknowingly irritate him with trying to be like before. And as much as it hurts, I can't. If that's gonna make him unhappy.

But I know tmr, I'm gg to be holding on again. So I don't know . I really don't know. I feel the way I feel. We had smth very special. Linus was right. I underestimated how much I wud miss "US".

A gurl fren asked me recently, "Mel, if he leanr to love u again, and asked you for another go, wud u go back to him?" And without a blink of an eye, I gave my foolish undoubtly honest, helplessly devoted answer.

...in her head again.......

He's here... practising with Claire and Pat for Claire's project... I don't know whatto feel. It's very odd. EVerytime we meet, it takes a while before we warm up to each other. We're suppose to head out together for dinner tonight. But does that mean I'm still meeting him later or I'm leaving after he leaves?

He feels and looks so different now. There's this aura about him, more grown up perhaps.

It hurts so bad. He called me Mel again.

I shouls give up this fight again.

Cried last night. Was quite bad.. I'm not writing all this for the world to see and point any fingers at me. I just need an outlet to let it out. I can't think of a better place than here.

I really don't know how we're gonna do the gigs.

If only I didn't feel so much anymore, and not care. Just treat him like another muso on the street i got to know. But I can't.

Something I found out last night, rather discovered..made me realise that he's locked away another few parts of himself to me. And now he's even more unpredictable and opaque to me. Nothing wrong with that, but that just tears me apart another mile further. It was a way of knowing him but now...

do you remember those days???

do you?

Memories

its all coming back to me again.

i cant move on.

im sorry

Rules: The 1st player of this "game" starts with the topic "6 weird habits/things about yourself" and people who get tagged need to write a journal about their 6 weird habits/things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you are tagged" in their devpage comments and tell them to read yours....
-----------

#1. I must ALWAYS bathe and do business when I wake up in the morning, before anything else. Business being first, bath being second, with brushing teeth in between Hahaha.

#2. I must ALWAYS have my breakfast no matter how light.

#3. I must ALWAYS have my notebook/ mp3 player/ with me anywhere I go. Without them, it's like walking out without wearing underwear. No. Can. Do.

#4. I must ALWAYS go online at night no matter how late. I must ALWAYS BLOG. I must always write.

#5. I will always wear my right sock first, before my left. And I'll always wear the, in my room before going out.

#6. I wait till my nails are damn long before I cut them. And I hate cutting toe nails.

TAGGED: Gerri, Harri, Just, Nikk, Sara, Jill

...in her head again.......

I dont know...

anyways, just got a temp job till mid oct.. starting tues.. pls do not ask me what it is ok.. coz ya.. its just a temp job.. and its hrly rate.. and i will be subjected to cpf cut like a normal working person.. and thts alot of money.. so.. argh.. but jsut take.. whateevr comes first... see hwo it goes...

i miss you. so. much.

Aww... the two pressies...unwrapped at Blujaz...

Opened at home.. :)

The handmade Peacock :)

Look at what it says on it's wings...

And all over it! haha

Instructions given by it's initial owner...

The pink wallet from KL... ^o)

The box that kept the pink wallet!

The Yelow feather flower Nick gave me.. aww :)

Rainbow.. part of aaron's desktop

Happy bear.. also part of his desktop..haha

Gerry and Me

Aaron and me..

Gerry and Me again...

Aaron and me again.. hahaa

Guess we cause our own disappointments and misery when we hold expectations of others we deem close to us and those we love.. and then they dont meet our secret expectations... and we blame ourselves...but thts olrite i guess...

Yearning for smth tht i feel missing.

I waited, the whole ******* entire day.
and what did i wait for?...in d end...


Please, someone, will I ever be able, to move on?
This is crazy. A part of me is so happy today. So touched by the gifts i got, the thoughtfullness that went into his gift. Part of it handmade. The only other gift other than Nick's.. and I really wasn't expecting them...Nick game me a feather flower btw.. :)

But a part of me is hurting so much.
I just can't let go. I just can't, can't move on.
I feel like just crying now, because I can't forget.
It meant too much to me.

I wana say sorry, to everyone whoose been keeping me happy this last week, and tonite esp.. Ian was so stoned out and Gerri still stayed till late with Ian and together with us... but here I am feeling like shit. And I shdun't be "rewarding" them like this...

I'm sorry. I'm lousy.
I become like this too easily. Haha sounds aibt like Baby Rachael, and I can still tell her not to get down so easily.. look at me...

All this hype I keep goin on abt my blardy birthday, perhaps is just a major insecurity or need for attention? But am grateful to the ones who cared and really touched me.. Charles thanks for the greeting again...

Maybe I shdunt step into smth new yet... I dont know.. I mite cause more harm than good.

Thanks Teressa, Weiyi!, for the greetings as well. Photos will be up soon. HAha.

Thank you to bro, Gerri and gang for tonight. Thank you Aaron for walking me home... had a good night. Blujaz people are so funny. Aileen looked as pretty and fresh as ever. James and the guys there were just so so fun as usual.

Thank you Linus, Su-Mei, Jerm again, Xiu Ting again, Pin Ji again, ahahha.. gosh the smses... thanks...

Learn a new smiley everyone, it's ^o) hehehe... (taught by moi sister Harriet!)

Thurs, 17th August 2006, 3:52am

I came back online, because I am overjoyed at this hour of the night and want to thank God and everyone, for their love, their kindess, their enormous hearts that spill out with joy for me on this day.

I should'nt be sad? Coz many people are happy for me, with me, and are happy that I'm happy. I just recalled that last Sat, Nai, Harri and her friend, actually sorta celebrated with me over drinks and wished me. So early in advance. Jerm wished me again tonight, and already last week when we celebrated with cake. :) And becoz I chose to secretly take each outing last week with my friends as birthday outings, I have actually spent it with quite alot of people!

And tonight, as I was saying, so so UNEXPECTEDLY the first peron to wish me besides me meiji boy was Xiu Ting. She's the girl who worked with me in Ngee Ann pri, and I barely know her. She was overworked when I was sick and I hardly had the chance to "re-pay" her. How and why do I deserve someone so nice to me? She remembered and bothered to sms me. I feel unworthy, and Im v touched and grateful.

Claire, she made two cakes for me. She remembered I love chocalate. I've not been fully understanding towards her, and I really shud slap myself. She doesn't have to be so kind to me, even Pat. I cannot emphasize on how much patience both of them have shown me, love even. Thank you. Claire msg back and said "happy tht re happy". And I remember she msg me this as well some time back after we spent a nite out tog. I have a prob, of being too guarded with people, esp in recent months..and I think it's very bad. I close up and avoid them too fast after things don't go so well. What happened to the mel who used to give people many chances and it's one of my principals. I have to re-think myself.

Then there's The whole Gerry gang, and the friendship that has bonded us most recently. There's Harri, Charles...and just now, Pin Ji wished me. Gawd, I hardly even NOE HER. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you everyone.
21, I really need to remember not to take things for granted, people for granted and to be more responsible, more focused..to live properly. I will always remember all ur kindness. At this point, if I were to be taken by our father, I wud had no regrets. People can be such amazing beings...and I feel I don't deserve it. I'm sorry if anyone has felt tht I've changed in recent months. For better is fine, but I know some things I became worse, and I really should pull up my socks again.

Who else do I want to thank? My brother. My only real real brother. For I know every day he's worried for me and loves me and prays for me. And I'm so proud of him. He's gonna become a teacher. He's gonna get married one day and have a happy family. He has seen me since I came into this world and he knows me inside out. Well, heh, of coz there are secrets LALAL. But I am grateful for him everyday, I just don't always show it. I love you Nick.

Then there's dad and mum. This day, wudn't have come abt if they didn't have me. So no matter what, thank you dad and mum.

And, really, instead of being unhappy tht he didn't remember tonite, maybe I shud be happy tht he asked me if im celebrating this week. Thts more than enuff for me. Everyone, has different blessings, and I oughtta be contented. I'm very blessed already and I want to remember that. I'm one of the many stupid hunmans who expect more when i SHUDN'T.

And, as corny as this may sound, I wana thank all the amazing guys who have tugged my heart at any period of time the last few yrs since I was 16 and a half. I've loved some amazing guys over the last 5 years, and no matter what has happened, I take a part of each of you with me along my journey for the rest of my life, coz all of you have changed me some way or another. Good or bad I appreciate both.

I know that i have a long way more to go, and so much more to learn and understand..and on this day, I ask for your prayers and wishes, for a better life ahead.

Lord, thank you, for putting these amazing friends in my life.
Thank you for my choir too. I love them very much.

Good night.

BTWWW!!!!!! =] i HIGHLY RECCOMEND all of you to go to my friend, GERRY'S JOURNAL (the new one) and check our the MANY posts she put up tonight, of (1) TORI AMOS vids, (2)TANYA CHUA ,(3)KIT CHAN vids and (4)ALL THE FIREWORKS VIDS !!!!! COZ SHE POSTED LOTS LOTS!!! :) GO OK! U'll enoy her stuff. And if ure looking for another avid blogger?? she's THE ONE. heheheee. I means it.

H21B to me :]

-> Thts how he wrote it for Harri last yr...
HE .. has forgotten... :( Guess i wont be hearing from him at all...

But! Thank you Claire, Pat. Tonight was really sweet of both of you. Claire made a chocolate truffle cake for me. She made two in fact, but the first one spoiled. Gosh... thanks so much. There's nothing like blowing out candles :)I'm really really really touched. Thank you dears.

21 years and one hr 16 mins old. *breathes*. There's much significance.
Officially legal to watch RA and get arrested hahaha.

That nakes me two yrs older than him again. I hate that.
Happy what wud have been one yr and eight months together. Sighs. i shudnt have chosen 17 rite hahaa. Coz, i tot that it wud have been nice to have a double occasion on my birthday. HAHA. silly me. >.<

Tmr, gonna celebrate with Nick!!! Yeah FAMILY! MAN!.
Christine bought me the handphone pouch i lost at the station today HAHAH. Quite funny. But still thanks gurl. U really are too nice to me.

Heh, guess who was the FIRST to wish me at 12am heheheeh :)

But u noe who really wished me first?? CHARLES LIM HAHAHAH. Like two days before hahahaha. Thanks dude. Luv u much.

Hmm.. im wondering,.. if he...remembers???

HAHAHAHAHA mel is so rubbish u noe.. alwasy writing and asking all the questions tht wud never be answered HAHAHAH.
Nvm, MEL IS CONTENTED ^O)

[Thank you Lord for another year.] I will try to live even better.

...in her head again.......

Wednesday, 16th August 2006

Listening to: Damien Rice & John Mayer & Nickleback. [I miss singing volcano and older chests so much. And i miss hearing him sing comfortable.]

Happy Birthday,Godma. I love you.
Happy Birthday again Jermaine. Love u gurl.

Met Christine today.
The good thing about meeting up with old friends is that you can just talk about the things that are really bothering you. You don't need to eat at fancy places or pretend to be happy. ( especially if you wake up not feeling particularly great on that day. No i'm not depressed. ) Also, you don't need to bother about what to wear. ( Liek today, I changed out of five pieces of clothes before i felt comfortable? yea.) (>.< ) . Anyway, Chris had alot on her mind. but we're roughly in the same situation here. Except that she is still a bit better off for now.

Anyway, the days are passing, and having nothing to do really sucks. Enjoying too much is not the way. Nikky has been helping me to source for more jobs, & I'm praying I'll be able to get one soon.
Meanwhile, I'm crackin my head to try figure out how to earn fast cash, DECENTLY of coz.
Tuition is still a blooming thought. I think I might make a few calls tmr morning.
I'm not very happy again I guess.

One and a half hours more. Arghs.

Quite a few of my classmates are outta job, and alot of them are on a freelance bassi. Lord, what is my calling? What is it you want me to do? I pray, earnestly please, shed some light on me dear father. i would really like to see the signage pointing me to the road you want me to take. i need your guidance, I need your strength Lord. I'm wearing out. Thank you lord, for walking with me every step of the way. Praise to you lord, for everyday I still remember that it's a blesing to be alive, no matter how many burdens i carry. For I remember these are the crosses you have given me, but it's never too much to carry.

Oh yea, did I mention that I'll be on the Oct issues of SEVENTEEN mag? I'm not getting paid for this though. hahah.

Anyways.. that's about it.
I haven't heard from him in two days. I wonder how he is.

mmmm..sigh.

...in her head again.......

-Just before sleep-

Everyone should listen to secret garden's "heartstrings". It reallly really puts you at ease... and calms you down for the night before you turn in.

I don't know why I find myself up so late these days. I fidn that Im waiting for nothing again. Alwasy hopeing to receive his calls.. but I noe it'd never ring. I don't get so sad abt it, but only tonight I noticed why I was up even though there's nothing I feel like doing.

Maybe, just maybe, I am lonely. And yea...maybe.

Good night world.

Thanks, Charles, Harri,Kor, Gerri and Aaron. I love you guys very much. Take care all of you.