chocolates give happy hormones. Haha.

Gonna practise my songs for jam session this sat.

Im feeling so numb now, all i want is to talk to dear, and hug him.

On the radio air waves earlier, they said " those who r in relationships, treasure what u have..or u'll regret it." So true...so so true.

Mel, how r u today?
I'm ok I guess.
Why, whats wrong?
The usual stuff uve heard me saying recently, except tht i decided on smth last nite.
Oh? what?
I have erased every possible way of being connected to him.
Why?
Coz it's pointless anyway. not like he has any noticeable intention of reconciling.
..
But I couldn't bear to erare the last number...
Which?
His mum's.
ohh.
I heard today from his mum, tht he's still having exams, and tht their family has been sick. From his nick and his profile, it seems he isnt very happy at all recent months. I hope I didnt cause it. Maybe I did.
..
I still can't decide if i shld erase tht last number. But maybe I shldnt, coz it isnt his anyway.
...
But I've decided to leave. Coz that is probably what he wants.

In case ure wondering who Im talking to. this whole convo was just me typing it out, and answering my own questions.

[EDITED]-pls read extra paragraphs below.

Work, was fun, but, tiring , today

Dear was really sweet. He came over and gave me three of my fav things. One, a light stick from camp, that when ignited, lights for 12 hrs. It's realli nice, and I mentioned it before. He got me another : ) He bought waffle biscuits for me , so tht I have smth to eat after work :P And he bought me the shokubutsu scrub tht ive been thiking of gettin : ] Thank you, dear...He wanted to cheer me up, since the news i told him last nite. I'm vey touched, coz dear has become more devoted, more caring, and it shows as we go along. It shows more now...his eagerness to want to see me, his care, to do little things like these for me,and it means the world to me. He has found his special someone in me, and I ...have found him =] I have found that one person Ive been looking for all my life. The one who would care like none other, the one who would accept me for the way i am, the one who is willing to give up so much for me, to be with me. He hasn't come in the form I always imagined him out to be..but he is simple and lovely.

My heart has been very heavy the last few days. Things have gotten out of hand...and now, i carry a worrie in me, i carry a sadness in me, heavier than before. Tis just isnt funny. However, the complexity of the matter, can't be fully described in words, so I shall not waste my time doing so here. Just noe I'm very sad. Why do these things keep happening. Just gotta keep praying, and try not to think abt it. Coz when I do, tears start to flow out.

Perhaps, another thing making me teary and makes me cry up to now, is a hurt tht hasn't healed. In fact, if anything It's getting worse day by day, esp if i purposely think abt it. It's not tht the hurt is affecting my current love. No, def not...it's a completely seperate issue altogether. But becoz the hurt hasn't healed, and Ive been in such low spirits recently, it's making me feel even worse. How does this kind of hurt heal, when you don't even understand where it came from in the first place? Coz up to now, there's no closure. I have no reasons behind it to understand what even started it. He just won't explain. He just walked out of my life like tht. How much i wish and want to see him, to clarify it all. Coz it really puzzles me.

But I'm so very glad that dear is by my side, no matter how far away, to love me, to be with me...in the process, unconciously help me healthis pain inside. I hope I'll be able to forget this person in time to come. It may take years, even, but the pain is too much. Just too much. Even my previous hurt, doesn't hurt anymoe, finally. I'm just so confused and puzzled by the current one. The worse is even if I choose to forget, the memories can't fade..coz they are like video clips in my head.

But I am fortunate, coz ive found my someone special, to love dearly, and be loved by.

And I always have nick, who may be irritating and fierce sometimes, but when I need a shoulder, a companion to help me thru the nites he's there all the time. I'm so sorry kor, to put u thru things i wish i dont have to...pls dont say im selfish. Ive come to understand that there are certain things I cant help not doing or doing, tht somehow end up involving u and in the process, hurting you. Believe me when I say i dont want to hurt you.

Sorry dudes and dudettes, this entry is very incoherent, and the flow is all over. Uve noticed i havent been updating...thts how sad i am.

All I want for christmas...is to reconcile with him, to have enough money to survive, to be able to stay on here, and nothing else. I don't even crave for any presents this yr. This is the FIRST time in my 20 yrs on earth, that i don't feel the eagerness of receiving presents for xmas... Besides these three sincere wishes, all i want for christmas, is to have dear by my side, be with me during my xmas performances at the Legends, and in church. I just want a lovey xmas, and not one filled with cards and presents anymore. Coz those are only materialistic.

Congratulations Ashley and Kenneth!!!! Wishing both of you, a blissful marriage, happiness, good health, and many many good memories to come! God bless Yr marraige

and this week..


I havent written the entire five days, WOW.
Basically, coz I had nothing to write about, and I don't know why also.

Mon- home.
Tues- fought with mum and dad. met dear in the evening. ended up staying oiver coz got locked out of home. Had a fun time with dear tht evening..spent more than an hr finding food in town crazy!
Wed- went home, did my own thing, met sean and jean for a short short dinner at katong shopping centre. The chicken rice there is STILL so good.
Thurs- had a FAT row with mum, physical was involved. ouch. Went to work. Dear came over to see me fort a while after work. So sweet of him. He even brought me dinner : )
Fri- now at home, have choir friends coming over later. YAY.

Tmr, ashley's wedding and wedding dinner! Meeting dear half way. Cantoring and solo-ing, and singing.

*SUNDAY* CHOIR LUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And othet than that, Ive been busy practising and practising, coz i have so many singing stuffs coming! all the weddings, all the cantoring, all the solo-ing, all the caroling, all the jam stuff! YES, Im jamming next week!!!!

and she SINGS again...

7 hours of singing : )
Wow, church was so so enjoyable today! It's been a while since I've sung for so many hours at a go, plus, I was extra attentive as I needed to focus on my pitching and "cleaniness" of my voice. The caroling practise was fun, but I'll need to practise melodies on my own, coz I need to get the sound , tone, quality, and pitching of each song. Every song has a different "feel" and approach as well. The litany practise wasa test of patience for those who have the ability to feel rhythm, coz those who couldn't just kept making mistakes!. The choir practise was enjoyable, and very much laughter filled. Everyone sang their hearts out! Mass was way too long today!! *agh* It was the baptism of Journey 52, so a whole extra hour was added for their baptism. I'm only complaining coz I was so hungry, and we sang many many songs. Our throats had no rest at all. But, as we all know, baptism is a very beautiful sacrement to experience, and when each and every candidate/neo-fide was baptised today, they were all crying tears of joy as we gay0fully welcomed them with the song " Welcome to the family" :0) I personally felt a sense of joy in me, for them.

Took dinner at BK with dad and mum and nick. So glad we ddin't go grocery shopping! Phew!

I just found out I have no workt his week. Oh fuck. Terry is probably still pissed with me man. HAiz..no money. What to do with 40 bucks left? die die...Dear was so sweet this week. He kept paying for everything, and he said when he was broke I paid for everything...silly boy...: ) Thank you dear! I'm so glad I spent more time with him this last week, coz this coming week, he has five day field camp. AKA the WHOLE WEEK LA. Haix...but i feel better " in a sense", though i will mis him, I don't have to worry about not being able to see him the whole week, coz I have to stay home or smth. However, I actually have many things to do for myself this week!

Here's the list:
1) iron clothes
2)Practise
-psalm and gloria and thanksgiving hymn for ashley's wedding this sat
-psalm for sun's cantoring
-caroling songs( and many of them at tht)
3) read thru the materials given to me from NIE.
4)wrte to my secret pal for kris kringle! *oOOo...I received a letter fro mine! She's so sweet!*
5)E-mail my sops again, about the pot luck lunch this sun afternoon. Email the section leaders.
6)Enlarge ALL my scores for this weekend!!
7)Start practising vocals, choosing songs for jams, talk to emma about jam =)

WOOO busy busy week! But I'm gonna try to meet up with sean and shawn as well. Maybe juanita too if i can squeeze the time...
Sat morn ash's wedding mass, and evening is the dinner at intercon!! Sun church...wow...dear dear..hope to share with u all the things i do this week! Hope you keep safe in camp, and I love u very very much! Pls be safe...
My secret pal said to me: STAY POSITIVE! heh
I did confess to nick tht i lied to dad and mum last week. i dont expect him to tell on me, but coz im always honest with him as much as i can...but i tell him AFTER it's over hahaha. However, this week i don't wana lie, coz I will definitely blow my cover if i do...

Okies, gtg now..CIAO, gd nite!!

and shs' SO HAPPY again... (i will attempt to not make typos in this entry, EDIT IT, and cut down on my long winded-ness, THOUGh I doubt it'll work, heh)

(Fri)
Hey people, sorry I didn't update yesterday! Pooped out was I, YEA! I slept in and went to meet dear after that. The evening spent with him was memorable. Dear, thank you for cooking a superb dinner for me!! : ) We spent most of the evening, other than dinner, watching TV hahaha! it's been a while since we did that. It was definitely nice as well, to have Yuner join us for TV.

(Sat)
I woke up super early for Choir/Cantor workshop today! It was our money's worth, because I gained insight on things I never knew. I've also learnt many more crucial things about my role as a cantor in the church. I am honoured, and blessed that I have this gift of voice from God; to give back to him. I don't know how long it'll take me though, before I really do him justice as a cantor. It's not so much the way I send his msg to the people, but my sinfulness that I can't win over. It's easy, to stop sinning these sins (well easy to say), but yet, it's like bad habits I can't kick--God forgive me.

I'm writing my entry now in wee lee jam studios now, with dear and his band. His band is having their gig tonight!!Wish them luck! ^__^ I'm so zoned out now, but I enjoy Jams very very much. If I were at home now, I'll plonk on my bed and doze off immediately!haha..ciao people..tmr I have a long day in church! Caroling prac is 1-3.30pm. Litany Prac is 3.30-4pm. Chori prac is 4-5.45pm. Mass is 6-7pm. RCIA os 7ish-8ishpm. WHOA man. *looks at time now* OH BOY.

-continued, (end of the whole sat):

OH MAN!!! I'm on a HIGH!!!!! ^--^ Hehehehehe!
I Just got home from dear's gig, and had so many , many wonderful things happen!!!Today, Tonight, was not only a fruitful day coz of the LMC(Liturgical Music Commitee) Workshop, but
also a GREAT DAY spent with dear and his band!! After the workshop, I went to meet him and his band for their jam session. The session was great, and they enjoyed themselves so much!! All of them played so so well. Fendi was at his best, and so was Adora, Joe and Dear himself! After the jam, we made oru way to zombie bar. We stayed there for the rest of the night, till 9ishpm!

Wahahaah! To my SHOCK, suprise, and ExCiTeMEnT, Juanita and Sean were there too! Along with my old time BRANDON!!!! My gawd, army has made him so fit, and his hair LOOKS WEIRD pui! Geesh, I was so happy, coz these few I've been wanting to meet up for AGES, and never had the chance to, and SUDDENLY, they are in the SAME BAR AS ME, wow ^_^
Incredible. The feeling of seeing and catching up with old friends is amazing! that was already amazing, AND THEN! Dear told me Linus was coming. WOW WHEEEEEE...Another long time no see friend, like one month PLUS ...man..tht felt good.Linus brought Eggie, and Eggie came to dear's b-day party dinner tht time. It's quite strange, coz sometimes, seriosuly, you never know when u'll meet friends again, and end up working together for eg: Juanita and I will once again become Senior and Junior in NIE next yr. MAN. And Bran and I have been keeping in touch on msn, and now we meet again. Maybe Fendi even, I tot I would not see him again, but now, he's dear's drummer. MAN MAN. haha
Anyway, after dear's superb gig, we all headed to mac's to eat...it was really hilarious, coz Linus, Eggie, Dear and I were all getting really crazy and doing silly stuff along Orchard rd! I have not laughed in SO LONG and it felt superb. I let loose tonight, and laughed my heart's content. I felt so HIGH . I knew it was quite rush to eat and go home, so I asked permission and was allowed to head home by 1am. YAY.

Dear was very very very very happy today. I have not seen him be so relaxed, so smiley, in ages and ages. He laughed alot tonight, and I think he knowsmhow to smile now. : ) It was so sweet, to watch him have such a gd time. He deserved it so much today =)
I think dear and i have entered a new stage of our relationship tonight. There's this love, that we know is in our hearts, and there's no more jealousy or silly things like him being uncomfy when im happy ard his friends, tht sorta thing...Also, I feel like we've fallen in love all over again. It is an amazing feeling. : ) I've met dear four times this week, and it really helped, coz previous weeks the distance was unbearable. Distance esp when we know isn't because we can't meet. Today is the third out of four days that I thoroughly enjoyed myself with dear! We were REALLY HAPPY the last few days! Thurs was sweet and fun, fri was really special, and today was CRAZILY fun!

Dear, thank you

The Xmas lights this year, aren't as nice as last yr! BUT as I walked down orchard road tonight with dear, linus and eggie, I held dear's hand and smiled...coz one yr ago, on the 11th of dec, we spent our first Xmas together, with Harriet. We also attended our first electrico gig. It's been a yr : ) So fast, and I feel tht both dear and I have grown up alot from the first day we met. Also, we have grown together as a couple. That is smth NO ONE can take away from us.

I feel like I'm in love again. i felt like our relationship was renewed this week, and I'm grateful for that. The PAST IS THE PAST. No thinking of before, but what is NOW AND NEXT TIME. No more thinking of any other worries, or ssdness caused by those who don't really matter to me anymore. It's time to forget it all. I have smth i treasure so much. there must be a reason I'm still holding onto his hand. I feel so used to dear now. I feel so comfy..and it's still new ans special. I love him. Things are looking good.

Also, my responsiblity in the choir and cantor ministry has grown. But funny, I'm HAPPY to take it all. I may have a lot of admin to run, but I'm happy. I'm also going into teaching next yr, and I'm READY for it! I have decided, so I just have to follow suit. It must be right. God is arranging everything.

Sheesh, suddenly I feel guilty towards dad and mum again. the "grown up" thing is hitting me again..haha, nvm , better leave things the way it is first.

One more thing! I might be forming a new band for meself!! I made friends with adora's best friend, and HEY GIRLS, I don't know, but it seems to be a potential thing. I'm so damn happy. WOHOOO. Gonna talk to her friend online tmr, work out some songs, and try jam together. IT'LL BE FUN!!!!!!

So many things to do! So many things to say! So little time !! HAHAH.Now I feel that there is a reason to wake up early again! I wana start re-practising and re-proving my vocals. it is time to get things ROCKING! Wohoo. *tang tang tang tang*

MEL ROX, PEACE OUT WORLD. GOD BLESS U ALL. Muaks

PROUD of myself : )

It can never feel as good, as feeling good about yourself. Yes, INDEED.
I did many things today, and I was productive. I'm really happy.

I didn't sleep well last night,as I was afriad of oversleeping for the briefing at MOE this morning. So, the day saw me up bright and early, and I made my way to MOE. It is damn nice to have company too, coz Christine Chan, my former b&w classmate, has been enrolled into NIE with meas well. Nothing beats familiarity to discomfort. And it is sure a relief that I've got Chris with me. I've always appreciated her company. Not expectant, Not demanding, but always there, always ready to explode with her cool ideas and humourous jokes. Well, think about it, a whole semester with her in b&w, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. She helped me out alot in that class too. So I appreciated her even more. * a little more on her later*

Met Chris outside the poduim block, and we "cheonged" in together! Like WARRIORS! *hahaha, we kid*. The briefing was rather overwhelming, as we had tons of forms to fill, and only one pair of ears to absorb each and every detail. it was the morning first of all, and Christine and Mel put together, was just a chaotic explosion of "chemicals". R ITe. Anyway...they were very organised, and soon after the briefing, they helped each of the 100+ of us with our documents' submission etc. I have to clear my MEDICAL exmination and PS card too on one of the slotted dates I've chosen. MOE has many many rules...but none so terrible unless u can't handle it. Just pray for me and Chris ok?

Once we were done at MOE, we headed to our much missed clementi area for lunch and walk, window shop around clementi central. Nothing beats familiarity, an old friend, old haunts, and a nice meal over shaker fries. hahaha. Mac has new shaker fries. they are DELICIOUS! (nick go try them). Mac also has new cool sauces mainly for the nuggets, but u may request for them. They are pretty interesting mixes. Anyway, first stop, MACS. Two meals, student price*LOL*shaker fries and requested TONS OF SAUCES. Hahaaa, u already know what's to happen to Mel's tummy after tht yea? HAHAHA.

We did some walking thereafter, and i nearly bought dear a lovely plain black long sleeve v-neck sweater. But with 50 bcuks left, what could i get? I just wanted to get him smth for our anniv. *HAPPY 11 MTHS DEAR*
So, I nearly got it, coz it looked so nice for dear. : ) But Chris advised against it, saying the material wasn't great. OKIE. We also didn't buy 5 dollar t-shirts,w hich was what we intended to do. Besides the material for those? YA, they really sucked.

After much walking, we came across a store. I honestly wasn't inetnding to spend, BUT GUESS WAD? I bought smth for dear and myself!!! *drumrolls* SLIPPERS! "Z" brand! WOW, COMFY LEHHH...... hehheh.Chris said he will like it. I tot so too. And no uncle, no other colour other than black please, thanks. I got a nice beach coloured sole and pink straps. heh.

Next, coffee shop stop.!! HOHO. This is where we did A WHOLE lot of catching up on the training courses/instrustor courses that Chris has been taking. See, she is VERY into sports, and she's specialising in P.E for NIE. yea...She also does SUPERB shoots for photography , writes her own stories, and shoots her own style. She's talented, hidden behind her TUUT TUUT looks and specs. Don't be deceived! Behind those specs, is a rather cute girl actually. What matters is not yr looks, but honestly, your heart.

She needed to head back to schl, and I needed to head to town, so we ended our over-due "catch" up session and made our way to our respective destinations. I headed to PS and walked a bit. Got hungry, sat down, finished reading my LIME MAG, TEENS MAG, and was extremely contented that i have FINALLY achieved that. My next aim is to read mags of this sort, so at least i have an interest to read them, and I improve plus gain current knowledge on the latest buys, fashion, CD'S MOST IMPORTANTLY, and foreign artists. I love LIME AND TEENS. They give very good stuff inside. Good reviews on everything that interests the youngsters. CDs, clothes, fashion, movies, and other more personal issues. They touch on everything. I like it. Music maxout too, made this effort, at making their mag interesting and refreshing to the reader. I appluad these monthly mags for always being able to do that. I have long given up on 8 days, coz there is simply NOTHING in there.

It is well worth my money each month, coz even if i buy three mags, and spend ten bucks, i read it for the whole month. Since I don't have time for books most of the time anyway, and esp looking at next yr's schedule.

I waited for dear to come, as we were suppose to head off to his band's jam prac for sat's gig. But poor dear just couldnt make it in time coz he bked out far too late. We decided to have some time to ourselves, and spent what i felt was one of the most enjoyable times I've had out with dear in a long time. Though we met at 745pm, and parted later at 10pm, it didn't seem too short though nof course not that long either. But, I was very happy. Dear was happy. We met, had dinner at our fav food court upstairs, looked at some basses as dear LOVES them, and I must say the bass he tested had excellent sound, equipped with an excellent amp, and of coz dear, who knows how to use both types of equipment well.: ) HEEE.

We headed home after that. Well, technically, I did and he bked in again, but i'm gonna see him tmr !! : ) I know I've lied to mum and dad twice this week already, but it all seems to work out nicely. They're happy I THINK, better not knwoing, and we don't fight, and i got to meet dear on mon, today, tmr and sat. This week was unexpected since i got work cancelled. I CAN'T tell them tht of coz. So tmr I have a chance to meet him since he's bking out tmr. It's been really tough on him. In, out, in out...poor dear.

I went back home with a happy heart, and i felt much better too. Tonight, I was busy replying loads of emails and coordinating many things that my choir is busy with now. I'm taking care of a 40 strong section, and that's quite a headache. Along with that, the cantors have been busy as well, so Ive been on a EMAIL/SMS frenzy lately. And jill reminds me to cut down...I TRY BABE..i try...: )Tonight, i replied e-mails pertaining to all these events :

baptism mass
ashley goh's wedding
cindy's wedding and the pracs
xmas caroling pracs
all my sops
choir lunch organising
and

i prob cant remember the rest. All i noe is im sleepy, and have had a fantastically fun filled, work filled, love filled day. It doesn't always happen AND I THANK GOD for such a day.

I love you too dear, good night world.

Christine said smth interesting about relationships today, and it's smth to think about: " Once someone has gone thru a relationship with another person, esp during the growing yrs, and both sides watch each other grow, it's hard, to find someone to fill that place again. Coz the feeling will never be the same."

gd nite

p/s: i want marion raven's and switch foot's album too..HAHA

and i wana get dear either (1) ear phones, (2)long sleeve tee or (3) guitar strap for xmas!! : )
"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances,for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." ( 1 Th 5:16-18)

LORD, in the times when I feel weary and alone, help me to remember Your unfailing love for me. I know emotions and feelings may flood in at times, but the truth of Your word is not contingent upon emotions or feelings. Thank You for giving me this anchor formy life, for Your word and truth will never change, regardless of what I feel at the moment. I will always trust You and Your great, unfailing, unchanging, and unending love for me. In Jesus' name.Amen.

the onli good thing abt being at home, in front of my comp, is that i can very regulalry check my email, esp when im busy coordinating stuff for choir, like the lunch thts coming up soon. Being a leader isnt easy, realy. The number of emails i have to send out, the smses, etc etc...man...

so, I know that Im gonna be SO BROKE veen after working this month, since I have two bills to pay for~ HUMPH. haha, got an earful from jilla lready, so nagging aside, aside, thank yousss : )

But what i wana say is im boredat the moment, and suddenly tot of what I wan for X'mas. I haven't tot of any, actually, so here are some stuff I have always wanted, but are far too expensive to get (no, don't worrie, this isn't my gadget wish list, those I'll get myself):

VCD BOX SETS OF:
Ally mcbeal
OC
FRIENDS
BUFFY
Meteor Garden 2
Gilmore Girls
Simpsons
Desperate Housewives

and any others tht were so funny, and so nice on tv. Haha, I know that it isnt a buy for one person, so im listing this for those who like to get stuff for me in groups! wheeee HAHAHAHAH

Man, for myself, once i have the cash, i wana go shopping, get a whole new wadrobe as jill calls it, new footwear, new bags, new accessories, but most importantly,

i wana get a webcam, a new phone, which i hope to change soon, coz the phone is falling apart, my zen neon or ipod,CAMERA!!! lappie, new thumbdrive, cds, yea...smth like tht. I gotta wait till next yr to fulfil this part of the list, but it's pretty ok with me ^__^

Btw, would lie to ask around, anyone has a nice formal black top I can borrow for xmas? I don't have one....

okies...back to being bored....

still feeling a little tired, and groggy from the fever...but im ok...just woke up and did some work for myself...sheesh..tmr will be a gd day....olrite..ive got nothing much to say today...added jill sara nicole and her bro ryan onto my links...

BLUE.

It's the Tuesday Blues. I feel very moody today. It's one of those days, where nothing feels right.
I woke up with fever, and had no motivation to head to work at all. Ok, it didn't make it any better, that i couldn't wake up AGAIN. I wasn't kate, I was TOO late. Terry called me from work at 10.15, and I had no guts to pick up. i was far too pissed with myself already.

After checking my temperature, I laid myself back in bed immediately, and slept till late afternoon. I knew I was in for shit, deep shit at that. But I didn't have the energy to think of that yet.

I decided to clear the mess after i woke. Needless to say, terry was hopping mad. How can I blame him. I would be if I were in his shoes. He wanted to suspend me for two weeks, but I begged him and apologised profusely. Of coz I gave some excuses, like powerful medicine and all tht. He cancelled my shifts and found replacements for this week. I am allowed to go back to work next week. But I can't tell this to mum and dad. I'd get it from them. So, Ive writen on my note to them that today and tmr , MC, and left my friday schedule there. Shall go out and do stuff onf riday then. I hate lying, but yesterday's little lie worked out fine. Just gotta make sure I don't do this too much la. I hate myself man. So pissed. Have been down about this all day. how am I gonna be a teacher if I can't even wake up for 10am shift? HAiz. Always so suay also, coz everytime something like this happens, it's always Terry that i get into trouble.

Damn me. I felt so sluggish since I woke up. After settling the matter, I popped panadols and went straight back to sleep till dinner time. I was hungry after dinner, and have gobbled down like 6 small chocs, 2 kit-kats, and one banana. OMG. What the hell is wrong with me. I don't feel like doing anything. Just so SIAN. Shit shit shit.

Trying so hard to write to my secret pal also...AGHHH.

Someone help me out here. My best friend Meliza, is now too busy with her new found loves, but I can't be so selfish since I was once distant from her rite. But I just wish I had her around recently. How about my other best friend? I see him online every night, but we don't talk anymore. I've done all I can. I'm still upset abotu it, esp when there are time sI need someone to talk to, and he's there but unreacheable. God help me

and she dreams again...

My brain took a break for a while,and now it's gone back to the reflective, nostalgic mode. I've got lots to say again tonight, but first shall briefly share my thoughts on my day.

Mondday blues--> started off with taking a cab to work, YET AGAIN for the fourth time I think? oH damn me..Crowd wasn't alot BUT I was made to do alot of maintanance shite cleaning all over the restaurant, and it kinda got to me by the end of the work shift. It's work, what can i do right. Just grumble and mutter under my breath.

Nowadays, I don't have anything to eat for breakfast, coz there's nothign at home to eat. That leaves me basically very hungry thruout work. I headed to siglap centre's mac after work, and decided to have the nuggets meal. What else is there that is delicious and western at the same time around my area, other than all the expensive ones? I loved the new thai and spicy sauces that macdonalds has brought in...Dear's handphone batt died, so he called me from payphone..I made my way down to bugis to meet him and his band for their jam session. I totally enjoyed the jam session. Fendi is their drummer, and adora is on keyboards. Joe is on leads, and damn all of them are superb musicians! However, I think dear still really really wants to fulfil his dream of playing jamiroquai....I actually felt that the band members connected well, and they gell when they play. There is chemistry. I hope dear doesn't leave them, despite his true dream.

I understand that feeling, coz I too, wana sing mainly chinese pop, english jazz, and if it's chinese stef sun is definitely one main singer I'd focus on, coz I love her stuff. It's just that kind of feeling. Dear had a day off today, and I was happy he could do some of his own stuff. However, I think he's quite xian coz he's got sispec duty brigth and early tmr morning, and prob three days long. I have many friends in army now, and from what they tell me, and dear's experience, the army really is inhuman. They get ridiculous hours of work...and long long days on end. I pity them, and wonder how any girl can do the same. I don't think we can. Most of us at least.

We didn't join adroa and the rest for dinn, coz dear was real tirted. i think it was gd that dear madethat decision, coz I was tired out too.

Now for other thoughts...
I felt rather moody, and deep in thought since I got home. I'm not sure of many things, to be frank, and uncertainty lives in me, for many things. I feel that all of us are going thru a transection, and things happen to us...Why i say this is because friends from the past, have been coming back into my life. Maybe more specifically, someone who made a mark in soem point of my life. And then I started to remember things from my past...of many people..many places...and I realised how interesting it is, that people come in and out of yr lives, and shape u in some way, no matter how little. You share a bit of yrself with every person in yr life. It makes u grow up, learn new things, good or bad...but when the past tries to come back into yr life, when u have put it aside, u start to get confused, and a little disorientated, because, everything in the present moment is different ..and now the past wants to come in again...intention im unsure off..and i dont know if i can handle it.
How do u know things are right for you? yr partner? yr job? yr everything? im sure many of us have tot..what if..it was another choice...what if..that chance that was once there, worked out...what if he and i continued..what if i went to jc instead...what if..i took up tht job offer..what would life be for me now? better? worse? HAve i even made the right choice? Do i have the guts to analyse all my decisions?
I'm rather confused now..I think sometimes i don't know where I'm headed..or where I'm leading myself to...but i guess all i can do is go with the flow..my flow..people's flow..and see where life takes me..certain decisions are made for us..certain decisions we are sure off..but as for the rest..let people decide...things will happen if they have to...

im

i dont know

today was happy : )

but sad too.

not sure what decisions to make.

wth regards to a few things.

oh well.

..gd mornin....got disappointed again today.,,dear got to stay in last min..but hopfeully he's coming out in an hr or so...hope it'll be ok though...our schedules are realli giving us headaches...

thx harri so much for burning green day cd for me..i love it to BITS!!

Im still pondering....on my job.......

cartel?
teaching?

teaching...cartel....cartel...teaching....

aaaghhhh

upcoming events!! "yi4 da4 dui1"

-17 nov: (1) MOE appointment briefing!! oh no!
(2) 11 months anniversary to me and dear!!!=o)

-19 nov: (1)st ceceilia's feast day choir and cator workshop cum retreat.

-20 nov: (1)Christ The King feast day!! Our choir's day!!! Christus Dominus means Christ The King!

-26th Nov: (1) Sing and cantoring for Ashley Goh's wedding!!!!
(2) Attend her wedding dinner!!

-27th Nov: (1) Cantoring for mass!

-10 Dec: (1) Singing for friend's friend's wedding
(2) Singing for ANOTHER wedding right after that.

-11 Dec: (1) Caroling!!! (at the Legends country club)

-18 Dec: (1) Caroling!! same place!

-24 Dec: (1) Caroling!!!! same place
(2) Performing in church, X'mas eve mass, PAGENT!!!!!!!!

-25 Dec: (1) Caroling!!! same place (XMAS DAY!!!)

So, in between, i have laopo going home and coming back, god bro nick chan's bday, and wedding, caroling, and xmas pagent practices!! WOOT!

Dear dear, won't u attend?? : ) My performances/ heeeee

kor, im sorry
dad, mum, im sorry
all i want is for u to "ti3 liang4" and understand.
It's NOT that I don't love you, or appreciate anything.
=(

i feel fresh after my bath, but am really tired out by work, or more like the second half of work tonight. The last few hrs before I knocked off was hectic, but I enjoyed it very much : )

I am tired. Emotionally, and mentally. Everyone can see it, people are tellingme they can see it, i wonder if they can?? I'm sure they are tired too. But thts what i can't understand. If they are tired, what's so difficult to understand when I say I'm tired?

I worked a full shift today : ) My FIRST full shift at cartel :p Something is telling me to stay on at this job, coz I pick up fast with most things, though I'm still learning. I enjoy the job, and actually feel responsible for ensuring the smooth running service of every shift I work. I feel like the company needs me, and I want to go to work, as much as I may say aiya need to work again. If i get more work, i'd do it. It's the first time I feel like a workaholic. I like the branch I'm at. Somehow I am starting to doubt my abilities to teach kids. I wonder if I am fit for the demands of the job of TEACHER? Once I sign the letter next thurs, that's it. I am actually doubting my choice now. A little late yet? I am not sure anymore.

Stef came to cartel today, to have some time together, cause she's going back to m'sia next week. It was interesting that our plans still succeeded, coz I had a two hr break from 5-7, and that was the time slot of the day that she was fre today (as she had schl before tht, and church meeting after). We spoek abt stuff, my stuff, her stuff, and we shared certain opinions and all. I think at the end of the day, she could tell too that I'm tired, YET she admired the fact that I can still smile thru it all, and work, and still am pretty strong. I beg to differ. It's not so "happening" being who you're not, and trying to pleae everyone ard you. She wished for me, like I wish for myself that i can please people ard me, and myself as well. I think I'm so tired, i don't know what to think anymore. Should I start lying again? In order not to upset, and so, tht everyone is happy? I. really. dont. know.

To them, life is meant to be a load of suffering and the only things u should spend yr time doing, is work, work, and more work. If not, serve God. To them, leisure should be the least important. TRUE. BUT. For me, I feel when it comes to work, I work hard, and do my best, and i also weigh what kinda of work is important, to give my all. And when u are not working and serving God, then I feel that life should be enjoyed, esp if ure given a chance to. Some people DON'T even have that chance. Just like one of my asst managers who shared soem of her personal things with some of us over lunch break today; she's living to support herself and her family, because she's got a mum who gambles, a dad who earns peanuts, and two siblings who refuse to share any bills whatsoever. I felt so sad for her. It does remind me off how fortunate I am, but I am definitely not unfilial to the extent of not wanting to finanacially care for my family. I want to be responsible towards them, but also have my own work life and personal life to lead. I have changed, but they refused to see it, or believe it. Certain things and ideals I have also changed my mindset about, for example: Mum kept saying tht I used to say work is second priority. But frankly, I have changed tht mindset sometime back already. If the work deserves my attention, it is first, and to me, right now, i love my job, and i fo give it first prioriry.

On the personal side, my relationships with people are my problems. I don't like it to become an analogy or example of my faulty character and problems in life. Esp my relationships with dear, or my closer friends, coz those are personal things. And to me, other than family and our almighty father in heaven, dear is also my priority. In fact, i think I give everyone the same attention, but if it's so difficult to please and make everyone ard me happy, then I can only back off....It saddnes me.

I understand one thing abt people. Anyoen at all. When u are angry, u find it hard to show love, or respect or talk to someone. And i remember mum said tht to me before. She does it. I do it too. But when I do it, I'm told off for being disrespectful. I feel tht this onli can happen at home. Of coz u can't say this to yr bosses. Why? Voz u have no feelings for yr bosses. But u have feelings for yr family members. That is why it's so much harder.

I don't know what else to say. I'm so SAD, and I'm so TIRED.

I saw dear LAST WEEK TUES. It's been almost two weeks. I was looking FORWARS to tmr, coz he was suppose to book out tmr. My heart is in GREAT need for his time and love, comfort and company, and no preasuyres whatsoever time with him, BUT found out LAST MIN today tht he has to go back in tonite (where he is AGAIN now) and can't come out till SUNDAY. GREAT HUH? My spirits fell the min i heard it. I was so glad laopo da ren, stef, was with me while he called. Who could i suddenly break down to? Who could comfort me? Who could i suddenly shwo a sad, disappointed face to? Thanks dearie, that you were there with me today. Much appreciated! So anyway, i felt numb already. It's ALWAYS like this. He can't come out, and when i think i can see him, i CAN'T. Dad and mum get difficult on me...except for tht ONE WEEK THT I WAS SO GRATEFUL FOR.

But! Something sweet happened. I had ONE PRECIOUSE HR with dear after work. It was crowded like mad, but as he promised, he showed up at outlet at 10pm to fetch me. I felt bad towards boss, but i had to knock off, coz if i extended, tmr I would be a goner for morning shift. So the day became worthwhile : ) I got to see him!!!! We took bus to tanah merah, and he took 9 to camp from there. HAIZ. Better one hr than none. It was so good seeing him.

I heard buddy booked out too! Steffie was so happy : )

Ok..im done for today, have to sleep now!!! BYEBYE

nick is bathing now...i wonder if he's standing in the bath, still pissed, or crying?
i wish they never had me...

very sad today.
Ive never received so much scoldings, so many assumptions from my family abt my thoughts before...nick hit the roof with me just now, and i could no longer make any sense to him. I told him i give up, because whatever i say, or explain, like i told mum, is pointless. so mite as well let them have thier say, finish saying and they maybe might not be so mad anymore. I dont know. Im obvsiouyl casuing everyone pain and agony at home. Whats the point then? Nick kept scolding me, and was very very fierce. He said things abt what i felt that i didn't. Not everything needs to be shown as prrof, like for eg, he said i don't appreciate, how does he noe? has he been thru what i have? But no, he scolds me becoz i cant comply with things at home, and making everyone unhappy. ONE person unhappy with me at home, means i kena from all. Who do i turn to then? But he scolds me again, for calling people to complain, when actually i called auntie joyce.
Scold and scold, thts all i have heard today from nick. Fierceness is all i faced today from dad and mum. Fumes are all i got from my boss, becoz i was a bit too suay. Then I cried , and cried myself to sleep, to sleep it off, but still got scolded for sleeping. I tot dad was really going to bang my door down/ Mum feels upset, everyone is worried. Wont i be too? But when mel cries, when mel feels so vexed up does anyone care? Nick also says he's tired. ARENT WE ALL.
Nick, if i really do make it thru six months of training in schl jan-jun,BANG it's you.If i don't, it doesnt mean I'd give up, and then u can say u predicted rite. Dont u always? Im sorry tht u are fuming mad, but tonight, i saw it really going nowehere. Voz ive given up, on trying to get anyone to understand. Just think what everyone wants to think of me.

im just very tired.















how do u explain to someone why u can't sleep?








everyone can suffer from insomnia.









i just want some space.

im realli JINXED.

I realli have to start belieiving it. Sleepless nights, a scolding from my boss as a morning call today, and then a fight with mum. Problems with people ard me, and these things are never ending. penniless, and what else can i say? Stuck in everything, and only allowed to do church things and work.

I am so failing .

anyway, i tot i had two days of work, seems i have four, including today, which i didnt noe off. got f-ed. GREAT. indirectly my fault, so i take the blame. tmr working full shift, and sat working also.

there goes my dreamy full weekend with dear. Rite, so nevermind abt tht. I dont wana lose another 25 dollars, or 40 dollars.
BUGGER

IM GETTING SO PISSED. SO FUCKING PISSED.

im hearing an earful from mum, it's still going on as i type...im realllllli reallli fuming .....*FFFAAERRRRKKKKK*

oh gawd...HELP......listening to linkin park, and hearing mum blabber away...blabber, blabber, blabber....blabber, blabber, blabber................................................................

im so in for shit. i dont know what ive done. ive said all the wrong things and pissded her off big time. Just couldnt take it anymore, her nagging voice..started to irritate my ears..no sonic relief, and after a while, all i could hear...was "diiiiiiiii"

I guess one day I'll understand...

One day I'll know the reason why...

I pray that it'll happen however long it takes..

A gd friend of mine said to me before after we made things clear to each other" Mel, at least yu still have memories to hold onto. Cheirsh them, coz they'll never happen again. Smile at the memories.."

So I guess...this is happening to me again. Someone special in my life has exited, and all i can do is be grateful for the memories, and that our paths crossed.

I'm sure i'll be given a reason someday.

AHHAHA! just caught up with meliza on the phone!!
wow my motuh is drooling coz we talked abt
-meat balls at ikea
-pasta freska
-kenny rogers' side dishes like macaroni cheese and muffin!

dad walks into my room: (already the expressiontone and look aint good)" i heard ure going out with - again tmr. Mum is already not happy. U just saw her like when?

mel: last last week?

dad continues: and so u miss her so much already. so what time u gonna wake up and do the housechores? Pls dont wake up half an hr before and leave the house

mel: i have never done tht before.

dad: then what did u do tht day?

mel: i didnt. Mum was ok with me going tht day.

dad: whatever it is, u dont wake up at whatever time and leave the house after haplessly doing the housechores, u understand?

mel: er, ya ok.

dad: ure going out with her tmr, and then meeting stef on fri?

mel: im onli seeing stef two hrs before work at my outlet, coz she wants to eat the waffle.

dad; whatever it is, u dont wake up at 3 o'clock and leave at 4.30pm. I dont want to get another earful from mum

mel: but dad, ive never done tht before! By 430 i prob eating onli.

dad: and then it just didnt go well...yup.



dad:

the rain stopped me tonight....

from doing what i told u i might do...

I realli wanted to find out....

But it started pouring heavily...

and then yr mum said ure sleeping...

but i found ure online...

what can i say....

I feel like a pest...

having disturbed u in so many ways and meduims possibe

im sorry

i just wanted to know why.

I'll leave u now...

i wish u all the best.

Take care, and God bless. U're missed

Dear Lord,
please give me the serenity, to accept what i cannot change,
the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to understand and persevere.

. I'm losing patience once again.
. It annoys me, that I have to do everything mum's way, just to make her happy.
. I really can't do any little thing my way, coz she DOES notice.
. I must remember I have to give in..coz she will only feel happy when i do things her way.
. PERSEVERE MEL. haiz =(

[half an hr later]

Mum said to me: " Ure working very hard to prove to me ure slacking rite?"

... What can i say? I wonder if any adult or human being is that hard on themselves, before they are hard on others.

...WELL, u know what i have to do in this case? Just to SHOW i am not, do things her way loh. Then she'll say Im not slacking, and believe so. I wonder what my heart truly feels then.....

haiz...Nick said dont disappoint yrself and family..but he meant it in the "make the more loving decision way".

Ok then.
This is me, in this life. I'll never really be myself. And I say again, it's very sad that they'll never know me for who i really am, coz I'll always be on guard when I'm with them.

AHH fish...why am i sounding so immature again.; AGHHH. I apologise. This is really how irritated I feel now.

[one hr later]
Nick is sleeping again. He's been grouchy since he woke up. =( He's having his headaches again, and maybe I caused it? I always am the one who makes people unhappy, I think. He's napping again, and i wonder sometimes whether it is just his headaches, or he just wants to get away from it all, like me. So the best way to shut everyone out is to sleep. I would. I always do that.

Mum is cooking sa1 po1 fan3 for dinner, and she knows i like it. That's nice.
It's amazing how mum just won't let go of certain things. She's still reminding me to complete the cleaning of the windows. Anyone would have forgotten abt it man. Agh.
Also, I'm sad that she still calls dear "your boyfriend" HAIZ. =(

There's this undescribable sadness at home....haiz..........

[half an hr later]

Dad has come home and gone out to jog. But before he did, he asked me some stupid question. Actually to be honest, i feel that i don't know my father at all.

There's this sadness in the house, i repeat.

=(

*dear, when are u coming home........*tears*

*Tonight, I will do what I need to do. I want to know what's going on. Coz it makes me want to cry each time I think of it.

And.....its another terrible "night"...

Im becoming like richie, in terms of having a sleep disorder. he cant sleep before sunrise, and as for me? My brain seems to love to THINK ALOT before I sleep. I layed on bed for a solid two plus hrs, and I was wide awake, despite being tired. This is sickening. Until it's like 6am, it refuses to sleep. I find it excruciatingly hard to wake before 3pm. AGH. I wanted to wake at 10am, and even got Jill to wake me, so that i could finish up my load of housechores, and go meet her and sara at 3pm. BUT, I JUST WOKE. HELLO. agh agh agh. Im so pissed with myself. It could have been a nice afternoon out followed by cantor meeting. And I plan to do the one thing I nearly did last night--go look for someone.

Thoughts of him have been keeping me awake the last few nights. I think I've brought myself down to such a disgusting state, I can do no more already. sms after sms after sms, msn msgs, email, friendster...EVERYTHING. The last time I nearly lost a guy friend was weiyi, and even then, we both had the decency to respect each other, and valued the friendship of four yrs. But now, this friendship that started in feb 05, grew so amazingly, my mind couldn't stop running thru the thousand memories we have shared. Is someone joking around with me here, or can friendships SERIOUSLY end just like tht? Over night? Even relationships don't end overnight. I am stillin disbelief, and feeling awfully hurt. It keeps me awake, u can imagien how bad it is.

I had a terrible "night" or morning or whatever u wana call it again. Im awake now at 320pm, feeling groggy. people already PASSED most of their day. Mum is probably angry with me again. I had allsorts of dreams, nightamres that prevented me from waking, and made me reallly frightened. So much so when I woke, it felt like I didn't sleep, my eyes weight a ton, and my head is sweaty.

How long more is this gonna go on

I feel so silly. I have never made myself look so silly in front of anyone before.

I hope none of you get the wrong idea here. I'm talking abt a best guy friend, and nothing else. But it upsets me alot, because Ive experienced cold war with him before, and even H gal, and even dear.

A consolation is that dear is coming out this weekend. I can't wait to see him. I miss dear so so much. it'll be a gd way to forget all these people.

But I can neve rlive with friends who ignore me for no reason...it's too painful.

...mel's feeling tired

I don't know why I've been having body aches all over when I wake the past few days. I didn't go shop with mum,and because of that,it led to a terrible day at home. Yesterday really upset me and made me feel lousy. And everyone was so unforgiving, so assuming of my thoughts, and bad ones at that, and so accusing all at the same time.
And again today, I couldn't wake up. So very fed up with myself. Why do I always need so much rest. I felt so weak when I woke, and had to lie down just to rest for another hour or so. By the time I woke, there was barely enough time to do a decent bit of housework. And I knew how mum felt even before seeing her in the face, coz to her and dad, there should be no reason for me to be tired. I forced myself to do some housework, no matter how slip shot, AND in the end, I dont know whether it was better off not doing, coz mum commented that a rush job is never near an average done job ( and i agree), so it upset me further, coz I really didn't want to do it in the first place. But would she or dad believe me?? That I'm tired? Then they would say I shouldn't go on tmr and thurs and fri and sat and sun. If they could realise I'm tired and want a break, want some rest, some time to relieve myself off things.
It drained my energy completely, and I had to take a cab to work, coz i didn't wana be late, and didn't wana rush around. I was THAT tired. At work, I was so relieved that it was a fantastically quiet night. At least my blurr state wouldn't go so noticed, compared to if I had to rush around on a busy night. I'm thankful I had Melissa Tan with me, she was a great help. Even work is better than being home sometimes, coz the preasure is of a completely different level. When the boss ia angry, it's somehow ALOT easier to ignore, coz it's work. Not family. Not people you would expect , understand you, i guess.

I like being home. I still do. And i still treausre times with family, but off late, I have been very upset by things. I hate being talked about without me knowing, and everyone thinks I don't know. I hate it when I'm pinned down so hard for everything. I can't even do things for myself, or have my say or anything.------Ok, u've heard all this before, but today, How i have been feeling since yesterday is just TIRED, tired of everything. Always on the verge of tears, coz I wish I can just drop it all, and be myself. I can't take the preasure of dad mum and nick being so particular about everything i do. Is there really no space for one's own ways of doing things? I mean, i KNOW they wana train me, coz I'm entering into a really unforgiving workingw orld In January--Government sector. I think I know only too well, that If i screw it up, I'd lose all chances of being a teacher.

But I've always felt that at home is where one should rest, and where everyone takes off their maks, and be themselves, at least hoem to me is a place where u don't feel so worried u might make yr boss angry, or tht u gotta watch yr every move. How do you think it feels for me?? I'm watched at work, I'm watched even more at home. I feel stifled, the last few days. It was ALL going well till now. WHY??? I told stef earlier today, that I don't know what to say anymore, or what to feel. All i can do is feel upset, and disappointed. But I know better, tht I'm at home, so I don't have much of a choice. Nick always says I'm selfish. NO--mum and dad arent getting younger i know, and i love them, so I'm only too glad to helpa round--but can they NOT be so fussy? I wake up everyday, and it's housework(x3). They're NOT happy with me going out. But i like it. I like to be outside, and see things, and be around the crowds. I don't liek staying home too much. How many times do I need to say this? Sometimes I go out, to see new things, to look for my own things, and it's not a crime to meet up and catch up with friends???? Esp since it's my holidays now. Even when I make plans, It's so difficult coz I've always loved going out later in the day. But now, I have to be home for dinner. Coz mum cooks.. Don't misunderstand k, I love mum's meals. But now, it's tht kinda stuck in the middle feeling, coz u want this, and u know tht. And only on certain days mum doesn't cook, --BUT, dad will say Why can't i stay home. *vexed*. It sounds silly, but it's so difficult. And i wana go blading, jamming, gigs, to learn from others, to know things, all tht. I just wana do my own things, BUT this time, not be selfish anymore towards the people I love--make sure I don't leave them out.
I told mum this afternoon, that if I can wake early in the morning, do everything, and then go about doing my own things, that would be nice. Coz I don't want to just sya home , housework, work, and tht's my holidays. That's REALLY being unproductive! But of coz, Dad is angry coz I can't wake to start with. AGHH, i know i know.
So u see, it's my fault, but I wish they would understand too. I am trying already, but it's never up to thier standards. They watch me till I feel so trapped.
................I'm sorry for complaining. I'm just tired ,suddenly. All that positiveness, optimism, has suddenly VANISHED from me. The mature and understanding posts I wrote a few days back, suddenly doesn't feel like it was written by me, but, i KNOW they were. I wish I could feel it all again, but I'm so tired. I'm upset, Ive not seen dear in ages, mum and dad feels that seeing my friends more than a week back, was only RECENTLY. Going out is wrong, seeing bf too much is wrong, even what I like to buy and the way i spend is wrong. I'm sad...I've lost a best friend. I'm really so full of shit, maybe.
So This is my life. No matter how positive I am, and things become good again, i don't know how fantastic a time I'll have ever. I'll never be myself, for as long as they want me to be what they want.
why lord.
what's happening.

upset. UPSET.

Worse day ever.
Felt like fuck this morning. day gone, didnt go shopping with mum. Nick got pissed at me. great.

I felt horrible, and slept till late noon. Very moody, and just very tired. Woozy head, and everything felt wrong.

Things werent so bad yet, till after dinner, a note from dad got me realli upset and nick scolded me for all sorts of things, making me feel like FUCK.

That kind of vexed up feeling when u can do NOTHING abt the situation ure in. I realli wanted to cry.

Im so tired. I want some time out, to play, to chill. Sounds damn teenagerish, but i cant even "slack" for one bit in thier terms. It's housework, work at cartel, and sometimes i get t go out if im lucky.

Please dont mind my entry tonite, coz im realli at an all time low today. i feel like crap, and everything crappy could happen.

Im also very very upset. Not onli do i feel like ive losttouch with the world, coz i spend most of my time at home, hence i dont go out with my friends, and they too slowly start to forget coz they know i have to be home, im suddenly a nobody's friend.

I think i have to explain further why im on the verge of tears too. My best friend, guy friend that is, has ignored me for a month now. With no reason at all. The last time we met and spoke, things were absolutely fine. Ive tries ways and means, be it a thousand calls, smses, msn msgs, email...but nothing.

It hurts so so so so badly. I don't know how much more to emphaise the pain.

Dear has been in camp too, and I havent seen him since last tues. I have to wait till saturday. I feel so lonely. I feel so so lonely. I wish he could be here now. But he has to be in camp. And when he;'s out, i cant always see him..

Then my best friend, mel, is busy with her other friends, and doesnt want to burden me with her own problems.

Who am i left with then? My other buddy, weiyi, is in camp too. Who else do i have???!!!!!???

Common, even brothers don't always feel yr sentiments and needs. I realli wana hug someone now. I realli wana cry . I realli realli wish all this is a nightmare.

I miss dear so much.

I miss rene so much. But he refuses, simply refuses to even tell me why he's ignoring me.

My buddy and his gf, have thier own matters to take care off.

I have never felt so sad before. It hurts so bad.

on us..., over a bottle of corona beer with lemon.

Every once in a while, I will read back on entires dear wrote from the time he was 16, to the first month that he knew me. I was very impressed with the way he wrote, and the way he looked at selective things about life. ( not neccesarily bad). But sometimes I wonder if we really took it too fast, though at that time we really didn't think so. It was passion and alot of fire, if you know what I mean. I have never regretted my decision, but I wonder how different things would have been if I didn't decide on holding hands that day one yr ago. We were both a wreck (with regards to affairs of the heart), now that i know more than I intitally did. I think we both honestly needed like at least half a year more, to have decided on moving on with each other.
We've had really good times, but also really rocky ones. Every so often, esp now, I always get the vibe that we're ending. i think there's been alot of misnunderstanding between both of us, throughout our months together. There were alot of fears, disappointments, but also alot of suprises, discoveries, happy moments and memorable days, where I felt like I could be with him for the rest of my life.
Just as I mentioned, there were also days I wondered what was happening, and what we ere doing to and with each other. I read back to his entry, and he was honestly so happy when we first got together. I feel like I've taken away whatever idealism he had about love and the perfect girl for him. Which young girl or boy wouldnt want a nice dude or dudette by the person's side, spend time with each other and do the craziest things? I did too. I still wish I had.
I think there was miscommunication and honesty wasn't completely in our relationship. It was half there and half not. Trust too. We both worked hard at it, and still are, but now, the slightest negative thing causes either oen of us to be so upset with the whole situation. I don't know how wrong we could get. I can't be her, angie, risse, vera, widya, vass, or any of the other girls he used to like or fancy. And he will never be him, sean, shaun, shawn, nicholas, eric,maurice, gabriel or any of the guys i used to like.
My theory is: God sends u someone to love you, and to love, and the person often will be far from yr ideal..but if ure meant to be with each other, somehow throughout time with each other, the person forms and changes to be yr ideal. U make the person yr ideal one tht God put both of u together to be. And if in the process, both parties don't form to become the ideal one, then ure not meant for each other.
Sometimes also in life, we will never know if any change in out timing of studies, or any other thing, could have made the difference with who we would have neded up being with. Like dear said angie was someone else's, and tht meant he had to move on, way back in sec schl. What if I, too, didn't go to kc, and ended up in tksec like I originally planned to? These things will never be answered.
I am not sure how many more blows dear or i can take, but if we really wana be together, I know the road for us is gonna be far from smooth, and we can only work hrtd together, for each other, and for ourselves, to make it s rockless as possible. I think we have both made a decision already, and sometimes even time can't undo these decisions. We have spent a yr together, and whatever it is now, it is. Though, I wish as hell, that I could go back to one yr ago, and change everything that has happened in the last yr, for the better.
But we know everything the happens, is for a reason yet to be revealed to us. We just gotta learn to forgive ourselves for our own mistakes, and make sure we dont keep falling back to them.
So what is it gonna be like? I'm keeping a positive and occupied mind. I hope he can too. And if God really doesn't want us together, I'll either get hopping mad/upset over smth i find again, or smth will happen that will this time, and the last time, cause us towalk down two different paths. We shall see. Time will tell.
But for what it's worth now, I love him, and really pray that there will be complete honesty, trust, love, respect and faithfullness to each other.
What's past is past. No point dwelling on what happened but focus on the now, and the future.

Grove on everybirdy.

and she's TIRED again...

Work was SLACK! today! :) hahahahahahaahah
Wow, Lord, THANK YOU man...heh ;p And I got to know two new runners in cartel: Joscelyn and Elissa, yeap sounds so similar to my name without the "M". heh. Elissa is pretty : ) 18, jc gal...while josce is 16..ahh, after o's..hahah. The funniest thing was, all of us had the same hairstyle (short, short fringe and style was similar). Lisa, my I.M, called us tomboys..hoho....but we're pretty tomboys for tht matter. LALALA.

Work was good la, though super shack le. I went to expo to take a look at the metro sale, and the mph sale. I had no patience for the two sales, as it needed much time and effort on my part. And considering the fact that i was already darn tired, i just did "surface" shopping. I bought myself "The Hours" BOOK!!!! ($5 oK!) LOl,, and also pruchased something personal, yeap.

I'm a little sad about some stuff. I dont know what to do, to be honest. Just go with whatever the flow brings, i guess.God is always with me, and I will make the right decisions and choices at the end of the day. Nothing to be afaird of. he asked him to help me find certain books at the sale, and he brought me to them. What more can i be unsure of? He's always listeneing to me.

Also, i always try to remember that, u may dream of all sorts os nice fluffy things, but at the end of the day, what u get, is often very different from yr dream. That doesnt mean it's bad. That doesn't mean Ure not blessed. : )

Look on the bright side of life, darlings!!!

hahahahahahaha.


I miss u too dear, very very much. Im very very sorry we have to go thru all this. We will get thru.

and she dreams again...

The last few days have been pretty good, to be honest : ) Work has been good too. Melvin was at work today! yay! hahaha...the other mel at work, other than melisa and me, melissa. LOL.

Met up with Jeanie and Jilly today. It was only four hrs but it seemed like quite a long four hrs, coz we kept talking. We promised to meet up again, coz there's just so much to catch up on.

In recednt months, I have been very into purchsing magazines, haha. LIME, Teenage, Teens, and whatever that fancies me, other than the usual 8 days heh. I'm still reading MUSIC MAXOUT. hahaha.

Dear said he saw a girl who looked like harriet today. He said they could be twins. He was sure it wasn't her.

I've worked mon, tue, wed, today and also working tmr. Im already tired man. Gotta do opening tmr. AHHH craps. : ( I pray my runner one is fast! hahahaa. I think 8 hours on a sat is far too long.

Oh yes, recently my family has been talking quite a bit abt a certain singapore idol. I'm afraid to have my blog slammed or anything, so Im just gonna say, we have a very VERY bad impression of her. Nothing she says in interviews inspire artists wana bes, singer wana bes, OR for tht matter, put her in any good light at all. No body can make it in the world, if they are simply TOO FULL OF THEMSELVES. Sh'es a VERY bad loser. Not just a sore one, but a pathethic one. I have NO RESPECT for her anymore. not even the slightest.

Today was the 933 awards!! Just wana wish all the artists who received awards, congrats! I think each and everyone of you/them did a fantastic job! Congrats to the local artists who im very proud of--Stef Sun and JJ LIn. Congrats to Jay and Fish too.

I'm very worried for a friend of mine--Joyce. She is very down in Aussie now, and I think some stuff is happening btwn her and D. oh man...: (

ok--------i gtg sleep now, if not I won't be able to function tmr!

I am upset with a gd friend of mine..I'm still wondering what has happened between us.

I am happy today. I met up with two old friends, despite being so tired, and functioned well at work tonight. It wasn't crowded, and I was really relieved for that. My DM , Wendy , is a sweet babe too.

I'm really not conneting any of my paragraphs at all, I realised. Apologies for all the "jumping". heh, if this was a compostition, I'd be heavily marked down for continuity problem. HAHAH/

Neway. my dm really reminds me of my pizza dm wendy (yes, same name), and she looks like vicki too. Sheeh.

I hope dear nad I will have some time to spend together after his field camp. I think we should go to "mel's" place to eat hahaha...bye everyone..nite nite....

and she THINKS again. --->Please read my long entry today, because I've got much to say today. To me, it is "deep". Hahahahaaaa.....

I am becoming an adult now, and suddenly at a rapid rate. I feel it in my bones, my mind, and my heart. it is a very nice change. My mind is constantly thinking about things-at work, on the bus, when I'm walking etc. I have been dying to get home today, to write my blog ennty, coz at various points of the day, I had tons to blog about, but was out of reach of a computer.

Our daily lives can feel and be very surreal, and I think this feeling occurs more so at night, when one is on his/her way home from work, on a long bus ride, with his/her music playing in his/her handphone/mp3 player/cd player. I noticed that I have been doing more thinking these days, compared to before, and rather reflective thinking at that. I notice that I've also become more observant of people's behaviour and character/personality. I am more wary of people, esp at work. They appear nice and cordial, but you never know what they truly feel about you. The sincere ones are easier to "see through" and you can be more certain of their sincerity towards you, but those who chat among themselves, go for smoke breaks, and order you to do things simply because they are more senior than you, are the really hypocritical ones. Of coz if they are the bosses, u can do nothing about it, except feel disgusted and ill treated;and shuve it off, but those who are also staff like myself, and beahve like u owe them a favour, are really idiots. However, I've learnt to deal with it and accept whatever that work gives me. Today's work was fine, but everyone was petty and pretty annoying. They tested my patience. At d end of the day, my boss could see I was a little fed up already, but i swear I did my best.

On the way home, I really appreicated the radio feature in my handphone. I realised I have become more dependent on music now. Alot in fact. It makes things so much easier to "cool" off from.

Something really, really happy happened today before I left for work. Mum and I had quite a nice chat, and we had some laughs as well. I never thought I would "see" a day like this again, to have such a moment with mum again, but it happened. : ) I was so happy that I told quite a fewfriends about it. I went to work with high spirits, and that feeling was amazing.

I was too tired to meet up with Jeanie piggy wiggy today. -Haha, in case u are wondering; she's my ex kc classmate, and a rather buddy one too. Harri probably remembers her vaguely.

It's interesting how friends are closer when they are far apart--in A WAY LA. Ok, Im specifically talking abt Harri and myself. We enver used to talk, back at her place, besides the reason that we had a misunderstanding. We hardly MSN-ed, and became distant. Now we are buddy again. But like I said, Ive learnt much from the experience. Any friend can leave u at any point in time, and Im facing it again--with Ren. *Harri, hope u dont mind, i just like to document my experiences on my blog*. I joked with Harri, saying and asking her WHY each time, one of the three of them rotate at being on bad terms with me. HAHAHA, this is probably my doing, but If it's not her, then it's dear, or Rene. During the time I stayed at hers, I experienced bad times with each of them, and this is still happening.

I'll say it here, because it is the current disappointment. (How happening is it eh? That each time I have a disappointment in my life). If a disppointment doesn't affect me, I brush it off. But when it means smth to me, I wana repair it. I'll say it one more time--Rene, I feel I deserve the right to know why ure ignoring me. Do I really have to lose the best guy friend in you? They say every beginning marks the end of another beginning but why do u choose to make me an ending?

Disappointments, suprises and happiness are feelings that are a part of our lives, to mould us, for us to become a stronger person.

I have so much to say *ahhh*. I'm happy I have always had this love for writing, ( to express my feelings and thoughts). When I was younger, I never thought this would become a habit, or an essential need for me, but it has. I used to write in my diary every day. I used to carry my diary in my bag when I was younger. Now I make it a point to blog; and when I don't, I feel like I haven't had my say, and made known my feelings about things to the world. It is not that i am so proud and want the world to hear all my stories, complains and woes. But it is something I need to do, to get by. I like to share good and bad things, for others to understand, to learn, to help me, to get thoughts off my chest.

None of the paragraphs in this entry are necessarily linked. I just need to pen down all the various thoughts I've had throughouttoday. There have been too many, and I'm writing whatever comes to mind.

Some current artists that I enjoy listening to on my player or radio, are kelly clarkson,bo bice, stef sun, matilda tao, maroon five, cold play, green day, ronin, rivermaya, chai chun jia, jay chou, tao ze, michelle branch (even), avril lavinge( no seriously), clay akien(xmas album), utada hikaru (just for tht one song that makes me so "drowned" all the time), even Britney ( for the few decent, ballad songs she produced), and I guess quite a few more that I can't quite remember offhand.

Teenagers really have it hard these days.
Ok, since I'm not a teen anymore, then I guess a better description would be, those who are growing up are not having it easy now. It really isn't an easy thing in this day and age- So much talk of moral values going down the drain, influence from the media, friends, trends from other countries, celebrities and what their opinions are, and even who they themselves want to be- So much imposing of different people's views of things, opinions etc etc. The list HONESTLY can go on forever. Admit it. In fact, I'm not even doing justice here talking about growing up, coz I have so much to express, but unfortunately, like singing, the things I love to do, I always lack the ability to do it well. For writing, I lack the vocabulary and style of writing. I always wish so badly, that I knew how to write better, in order to relay what i feel about things that happen to me or in this world, to those who actually bother reading my entries.

I think I love communication. I love talking, sms-ing, chatting, socialising, and singing. I always wanted to be a deejay. I think all of these point to the want to relay msgs to people, relay my feelings to people, and thus why I love singing more than writing even. I think I've always wanted to be heard. Attention seeking??? Maybe, in a good way.

There are all sorts of people in the world. People with good and bad hearts and intentions. People who are sincere and evil. People who wear " masks", people who ...... again, another one of those things where one would never see the list end and never hear enough about, coz humans are all different in character, in views, in experiences, and are always imperfect.
This, brings me to what i want to really say. --Being in harmony with everyone , really isn't easy is it? That is also why I go through so many different problems with people. Coz everyday, I'm learning to adapt to people and trying my very best to make them happy, without casuing myself too much problems as well.
Conclusion to this, like my friend said to me just yesterday: Relationships are always like that, isn't it?? Yeap. I think I'm crazy about communication. I'm always on the constant need and want to reach out to others through whatever means of COMMUNICATION. I can see now, why I wana teach. This is probably part of my desire, other than the fact that I love kids alot. I REALLY DO.

Gee, This is freaky. I am in love with a A.I song now: "INSIDE YR HEAVEN", bo bice's or carrie underwood's version. Been hearing it alot on radio--and JUST heard it again.( I was just thinking about it!! *freaky*). Thanks God. U know my heart's desire all the time.

On the topic of freaky, I am starting and inclined to believe, that I have a sixth sense. It's happened twice, thrice and I am afriad to know when the fourth time will be. I always have an uneasy feeling when something bad is going to happen to someone close to me, or someone that someone close to me knows. First, it was a heavy feeling before Vicki's leaving. Next, it was an indescribable sadness the night before Perry's leaving. Yesterday, it was Adora's grandma getting into a comma. I don't want the fourth time to come. I don't like having a sixth sense.

I am into LIME magazine these few months ( I havent bought the recent one! but I read Yuner's). They have good stuff inside. Always have freebie giveaways, wich I love sms-ing for, always have good fashion spreads, and I mean local ones, and alot more. The 8 days magazine, has become utterly boring. No substance.

My friend produced a magazine recently, called the Music Maxout magazine. I am completely awed at her perseverance through the process of producing it, coz she did a FANTASTIC JOB AT IT. She sure as hell isn't prefect either. But hey, achievements prove people wrong, and have always been solid concrete evidence of one's ability. Hence the famous saying : Actions speak MUCH LOUDER than words.
Another group of friends I'm extremely proud of today, are my RONIN friends. The vocalist, Levan (whoose name I shall not reveal, and lead guitarist, Sean, are my personal friends. Levan told me many years ago, that he would become famous locally, and make a mark in the music niche here in sunny-pore. I laughed it off, esp with our condition of albinism. Now I have nothing else to laugh at, but laugh at myself, for not having believed it could have become possible. Support my friends, coz though rock has NEVER been my cup of tea, they produce praise worthy, tongue-wagging, media-paparazzi worth material. They are that good. I have to admit it.

Once u put yr heart and soul to smth, u can achieve it.
Nothing is impossible
How u want yr life to trn out, is in yr hands, and not just God's.
Help yrself, do things the right way, and u'll get what u want, whatever it may be.
Example: Be nice to others, if u want them to be nice to you, and they will naturally be nice back. Avoid doing anything to provoke, and see that people will find it hard to fault you, even if they want to. They end up respecting you.

Without music, life woudl REALLY be a mistake.
I believe the world will continue to produce talents for music, for radio, for daily living, in order for the world to be a place to live in. I respect people who give public service ie: the bus drivers. Anyone ever thought abt them? I'm sure some of you have, at one point of another. They work very hard. Another being the cleaners. F&B peopel too. Construction workers, just to name a few.As for music, I will be worried the day we have no more musicians. God forbid that ever to happen.

I am on a constant self check now. I am unconciosuly and deliberately, (yes, very contradicting, but true), wanting to improve myself. Maybe that's why, I find it easier to accept it nowwhen anyone is too hard on me. Better to learn now than never. I'm just so afraid of ONE THING. -I'm afraid of going astray again. The year I was 18, I was horrible. The year I was 19, I was ok to good. The current yr, I was bad and now good. I hope and pray that it was only becaue I was still constantly changing as I had not decided on who i was to be, which meant my morals, identity, character, and everything that makes me out to be who i am now. I hope it happened only because I was still young, and easily influenced. I AM still young , I know that only too well, but I'm at a point, where I am starting to settleon/decide/ make concrete who I am,wana be and show it to people around me.

Look at how many paragraphs I've "poured" out today. This is how much I think these days. Wow, now i know why My mind can't put itself to rest when it needs to/ when I need it to.
I'm 20. my name is melissa desiree liaw, and I'm growing up, and becoming an adult very soon. Hi, This is the new me. Miss Mel.

Everything needs care, and effort. It is , indeed alot to make right, since everything means every single thing in your life, but it can be done. Everything needs to be treated like a plant, if not a human. TLC, and effort, to make things good.

The sun is shining for me--and i feel good. It feels right, and I know this is just the beginning. Ths feeling is so strong, it must be right. It's gonna get better. Thank you Lord.

I'm infamous for being emotional, and especially at showing it all over my face, through my body language, and crying easily. And one out of two persons I know all the time, are always advising me to get a hold of myself, or get in control of my own emotions--and now, I think I'm finally being able to do it--what seemed to be impossible to me for the longest time.

Thank you lord. I'd never want to end my life on purpose,that's for sure. I have too much to be grateful for.

Hope you liked my "essay" today. Good day to all of you. God bless the world.

I hope I have many more years to learn things and do good for others. I hope God gives me a chance at living again. I feel like I've just started living.

I hope Lord, that u forgive me for all my sins,and save me from harm, today, right now. I'm not demanding it, but asking and pleading for it. I don't want my life to be ruined in any way, so forgive me my sins, father.