he has shifted house today. i no longer know where to look for him. it's like the beginning of his annonymity to me. hes started ignoring me too. any question related to us, he just doesnt ans. not smth new actually. im not angry abt it. im upset. i just wish i cud talk to him abt all this. but maybe there isnt anything left to talk abt?? i feel tht i really wasnt worth much.-----yes. it is hurting very very badly. VERY. i try to put on this strong front and smile, and tell myself it's over, tht i need to forget and all tht shit, but inside no matter whatever happened, i still love him. i still very much want to be with him. but. where has tht left me?

all my close friends are all busy. busy with their own lives. im busy with work, but the times tht im free, aint so convenient for them. charles has been great support. He came down to parkway today, (as i was asked to help out there today instead of at scotts), and i kinda mentioned it to him, coz i brought his creative player along. i knew he wanted it back badly. But he gave me a little surprise and turned up at parkway's outlet. : ) Tht was very nice of him. it's nice to see a familiar face, esp tht of a gd fren, at work. I also had two customers who were from my church.

I am trying hard not to be a burden to my friends. so instead of calling, i end up crying to myself. cry and then sleep it off. cry and then continue work. cry and then quickly wipe them off before someone else sees me. nexzt day wake up, and go to work.
I miss him so much. i miss him, so stupidly much. what the fuck for?? : (

work at parkway was busy busy today. but i was so lost, coz the system and culture there, other than the fact tht the store is huge, is really different. Too busy, not good. too sian also not good hahahaha. Work is just work. nothing more to it. I wondered, if he mite pop by, since he does go to parkway's branch. Why have i become so pathetic?

i really want a more fulfiling job, smth regular, yet interesting. smewhere i'd get to know nice people. i want to go back to my church activities and busy myself. i wana recover and audition and gig somewhere. But I NEED THT RIGHT JOB FIRST. then i can earn more and everything will slowly fall in place. now this job takes up all my time.; cant do anything else. but it'll do for the moment. It isnt helping me forget him tho. coz it's the one place he loves to go. but for now, it'll pay for my stuff. so yarr. fuck.

im damn tired. at godbro's tonite.. gg to charles and chris church later.... gd nite.

i look forward to church at my own as well tmr. we have a special programme for choir tmr apparently.

gtg now.

i hope he'll talk one day. : ( bye.

2.10am.

just got back from blujaz, with ivan. Ivan played with Ernesto and Greg tonight. They were so so good. Really pro. But Ernesto spoke off charles and jase. Asked abt the band. (oh well)

It was a gd place to go. To chill and try to take my mind off him. Yet I broke down during one of the songs. It hurts too much. Wanting to be with someone u love, yet knowing tht you shouldnt, becozx he doesnt care abt u anymore. I haven heard his voice or heard from him in days, and deided to ask him why he didnt come to play tonite. He told ivan tht he didnt feel comfortable. O wanted to go tonite, to hear ernesto, but tho i told myself i wudnt go if he's there, i was still half hoping he wud be. Even if my heart wud ache like fuck qwhen i see him. (Jin im so sorry for tht last min thing). He should have come tonite, and listen to the sets. Rsather I wish he was there with me. I tried to shrug off lonely feelings, but tht really was hard. I kept thinking what he's doing, which was most prob packing. See, he's shifting house tmr, to bedok south. So now i really dont know where to find him anymore. Why am i missing him so much when i shouldnt??? I had no one tonite...

Ironically, I met his eldest brother at capitol's gramophone earlier this afternoon. Haha, of all people. I managed to get his bro discount even. Kewl eh. Guess tht makes up for telling him to lower the volume when he watched soccer at nite.

i really dont know anymore.

Anyways tmr i'll be at parkway's branch, coz they're short of people. It's another work day, and i gtg sleep now. Sun will be a full church day. Shall go to chris and charles church first,then mine in the late afternoon.

And, i need new black shoes. shite. plus a few new t-shirts, coz i really have nothing to wear anymore.

jw, jase, dear, yr t-shirt is still with me and i think u need it back, no? and my charger is still in yr rm...

Some quotes off Justicia's page. I can't swallow the first set but the rest are worth thought.

Love Quotes
"You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on."
- David Harkins, British Poet and Painter b.1958

"Just so you know, there's a space that only you can fill. Just so you know, I loved you then, I guess I always will." - Anonymous

"Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence."
- Erich Fromm

"If you have to think about whether you love someone or not then the answer is no. When you love someone you just know." - Janice Markowitz

"After all... I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her."
- Anna Scott, in Notting Hill

"Stop lying to yourself.
You’re just giving yourself an excuse to think of him.
With every piece you put in, you think of him once.
The more puzzles you piece together, the more you think of him."

The Notebook(
from the book and film) -to me, very similar to jeanetter Winterson's quotes, and I love them.

Young Noah: My Dearest Allie. I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter any more, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you. Noah

Noah: I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.

Young Allie: Why didn't you write me? Why? It wasn't over for me, I waited for you for seven years. But now it?s too late.
Young Noah: I wrote you 365 letters. I wrote you everyday for a year.
Young Allie: You wrote me?
Young Noah: Yes... it wasn't over, it still isn't over.
Duke: That's my sweetheart in there. Wherever she is, that's where my home is.

Young Allie: So what?
Young Noah: So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I though that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out.
Young Allie: What easy way? There is no easy way, no matter what I do, somebody gets hurt.
Young Noah: Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do YOU want? What do you WANT?
Young Allie: It's not that simple.
Young Noah: What... do... you... want? Whaddaya want?
Young Allie: I have to go now.

also off her page--ive read this before, but it really makes sense now.

I've Learned

I've learned -
that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is be someone who can be loved.
The rest is up to them.

I've learned -
that no matter how much I care,
some people just don't care
back.

I've learned -
that it takes years to build up trust,
and only seconds to destroy it.


I've learned -
that it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.

I've learned -
that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better know something.

I've learned -
that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do but to the best you can do.

I've learned -
that it's not what happens to people that's important.
It's what they do about it.

I've learned -
that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I've learned -
that no matter how thin you slice it,
there are always two sides.

I've learned -
that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I've learned -
that it's a lot easier to react than it is to think.

I've learned -
that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned -
that you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I've learned -
that we are responsible for what we do,
no matter how we feel.

I've learned -
that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I've learned -
that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first,
the passion fades and
there had better be something else to take its place.

I've learned -
that learning to forgive takes practice.

I've learned -
that there are people who love you dearly,
but just don't know how to show it.

I've learned -
that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing
and have the best time.

I've learned -
that sometimes when I'm angry
I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't give me
the right to be cruel.

I've learned -
that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned -
that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had
and what you've learned from them
and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I've learned -
that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned -
that no matter how bad your heart is broken
the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned -
that our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned -
that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions.

I've learned -
that we don't have to change friends
if we understand that friends change.

I've learned -
that two people can look at the exact same thing
and see something totally different.

I've learned -
that there are many ways of falling and staying in love.

I've learned -
that no matter the consequences,
those who are honest with themselves
get farther in life.

I've learned -
that your life can be changed in a matter of hours
by people who don't even know you.

I've learned -
that the paradigm we live in
is not all that is offered to us.

I've learned -
that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I've learned -
that although the word "love" can have many different meanings,
it loses value when overly used.

And I've learned -
that our legs are for us to move forward bravely and carry on with our lives.

- Excerpts from I've Learned by Kathy Kane Hansen

another entry. another day.
the sun still shines, and the world still moves.
but ive lost smth again.

ive learnt how it feels over the last yr to lose people who mean so much to you. it happened once, twice, three times, and then i thought tht was gonna be it for a while. then i lost fourth time, fifth time, and now sixth. This grand finale marks my loss of the most precvious person in my life at this present monment. I beg u lord and pray for my heart to heal and stop hurting. And pls don't do this to me, at least in a long while.

I think after a break up, it's pretty normal to go thru a few stages of different emotions and thoughts and whatever. So, don't blame me if i feel angry with him, or down, or angry with myself or whatever. Yes, maybe I want him, more than I need him--as what charles said. But when I reflect upon it, i know i still need him somehow somewhat.

Thinking back on everything, there were good times, but there were equally many bad times. there were sweet feelings, but alot of hidden unhappy onestoo perhaps. there was way too much compromise on both our sides. stiffling is what we both felt to a certain extent maybe.

It hurts very badly i won't deny. I tried hard to keep what I wanted and the only way i knew how, but this week as I walked the roads alone and was at work, i realised how much he wanted out. It was slapping me in the face, with his actions and his silent insistance. I miss him. Many times tempted to msg, tempted to call, but say what? Ironic how he left me when I shifted house, and tmr marks the day he shifts house too, with a brand new start to his long term plan got his life. He's playing tonight at my fav cafe. FVri nights were always blujaz nights, and I'm still wondering if I should go. But I arranged to meet junjun and harri for makan. Maybe I'd go next week. I love tht vafe very much.

I asked aileen, boss of the cafe, a few times whether i can work full time for her, but I don't know why she doesn't respond. I've decided to buy a new cafe jazzy cd for her every month, so tht she can play new stuff in her cafe. I guess I will still go and see him play whenever, coz I have always supported him in his music. But IO guess there goes our kl trip, ot aussie trip, or dreamers cafe night, or any other special time i was hoping for.

I know I cant be as fragile as before, fall into depression, cry out my eyes, and feel like the world is collapsing, coz i have to stand straight or try to, coz i still have to feed myself and live. how very harsh this all is.

And smth really pissed me off las last night. I took charles creatice player home, to bring for repair, and at the same time take his songs to load into my own player, then just after i loaded the first album out of like maybe 80 albums, lol, it died on me. flickering light, cudnt switch off, hung, and the comp cudnt read it anymore. his was still fine. just the connection to his headphones not good thts all. GREAT MAN. Same night, clarie called from UK and told me her ipod doed too. BLARDY HELL.

I pity pat. She told him for the last time tht she cant be with him. he was rather down too. h4s been good to me. a great landlord come fren. hahahaa. initial days were wakward, but hes been kind, sending me to work half way coz his work is in town too and we kinda share provisions and all. his cat isnt too fond of me however. guess jw wud never come over the way things are gg. i noe he wanted to see tigger too.

oh yeah. last nite after work, i met an old poly fren, kalif, and i ate some fries and onion rings and chocolate, along with some alcohol. haha i know i shouldnt have, but i wanted to. i got a bit too qoozy and he sent me back home. i collapsed onto bed straight away, haha. but coz i was so woozy, i felt like the entire nite was a dream. my frens ent me all the way back. i still dont quite believe it. it felt so good. to have someone care so much for me .

work has been up and down. it's rather quiet at my store most of the time, so it can get boring when theres no stock counting, picking, or taking or transfers. Then my brain goes stale to the sound of the music playing in the store. But sometimes i meet realy awesome musicians. old ones, from US, or young ones, from US or locally. Very interesting people who know a hell lot more than I do.

anyways. I have been consistently at a list of cds tht i wana get!!! : ) But thanks to charles, and i hope my player can be fixed too, so tht i can transfer from pat's laptop (the one tht doesnt have internet), i can save on many albums!! Coz i took alot from his player!! haha and Pat bought quite a few albums tht i want too *chuckle* So these are the ones i still want aka dont have on cd opr mp3: (slash means i have already and r means ive reserved it in my outlet lol)

1. Fiona Apple
2. Corinne Baeley Rae
3. Natalie Imbruglia -r
4. Stellarstar (indie)
5.Cold Play
6. Kelly -Looking through the eyes of Love- (local girl)
7. Olivia -a girl meets bossa nova- (jap girl)
8. Thirteen Senses
9. Jazz Lounger (green coloured album)
10. Sophie Zelmani
11.Jack Johnson
12. Nashville (both albums)
13.Sarah Mclachlan
14. Tori Amos (Beekeeper)
15. Noon (jap jazz artist)
16. K.T. Tuntstall
17.Jeff Buckley
18.Oasis
19.Emiliana Torrini
20.Suzanne Vega
21.Jason Marz (Mr A.Z) (i love this one alot)
22. Stacey Kent Collection 3
23.Join Mitchell
24.Death Cab For Cutie
25.John Mayer
26. Stina
27. Ryan Adams
28. Cyndi Lauper-r
29. Film School (indie)
30. My Morning Jacket (indie)-r
31.The Concretes
32. Youth Group (indie)
33. Placebo
34. KUBB
35. Concave Screams
36.For Good (local cd)
37. Shout Outs Hawl Hawl Gaff Gaff
38. Steve Tyler -new Standard- (i so love this album too)
39. Sara Gazerek
40. Samoma

Yea.... hahaah a long list eh? I miss the DVDS back in my parents house! ASGH! Wish I cud take them all and burn but dvds have a protective layer so cannot aghhhh hahaha, but i have a dvd list too!

1. Pride and Prejudice
2. 20/30/40
3. A Season For Love
4. Simpsons Season seven
5. OC set
6. Desperate housewives season one
7. Just Like Heaven
8. Alot Like Love

yea this list just started onli : )





i really miss u. i wonder fucking why.

met up with charles this afternoon, after something like three weeks. Two of us have been thru quite a bit in this same three weeks, but I think we're pushing each other on. It was really nice to hang out with him again, and I'm glad I could talk to him in person. I'm glad I have someone I can just talk to, without being afraid of what he might think. He's probably the only friend I allow to tell me off and I know I would take it well. Coz i respect him alot. It was good laughing again, and sorting out thoughts and sharing our views on life and things and how it's affecting us now, and there fore how to face it positively and all tht. We talked abt both our situations and the people around us. There's always something new to learn from him, and Im eternally grateful for him. He gives me a guidance I definitely need once in a while. God, thank you.His birthday is coming up, on election day LOL and i hope he has a good one. He looks like weiyi when he first went in. skinny, small frame, still bespectacled, and looking great with a bit of a tan. from the back they look alike. other than his three qiarters,adidas bag and ah pek sandals hahahaha. he's also shorter. But tht was really how weiyi looked like then. hahahahaha. quite funny yo see someone look similar. But charles-hey it's really not ugly man.

awfully tired today, and we headed home early. i bought some provisions in bedok, and tried to find a chepa pair of black shoes to replace my present ones, but i'll try find on fri again. anyone knows where i can repair creative mp3 players?

i felt quite drained when chalres dropped at eunos. the stuff abt the band, and how we'll prob all be taking different routes, saddened me a little. not becoz we wont be playing anymore. we'll always be a group of musicians tht can get together to play, but i know all of us have different music directions tht we want to fulfil and see come true, even me in tht case. But the lull really has so much potential. Im happy it went tht far for the last few months. it was an awesome experience and im very thankful for tht. but i really felt like crying just now. it was a great, funny but thought provoking afternoon.

I feel very numb too.

My heart is still unsettled. But I know I don't have much of a choice already.

It has to be better if it's this way.

I too, wana know what I want and what I need.

last night.. with gerri and ian : ) Taken by gerri , using her vodafone! :P










night out with Harri and Junjun, taken by harri :>

3am! finally, i can sit down, relax and type something here. I made some ammendments to my links even, and the title and all too.

Quite happy, I got to talk to nick online today, both of us using mics! hehehehe :)
Msn is amazing! If we both had webcams, we cud just chat facing each other! hahaha, the power of teachnology! he came down to my gramophone branch too the other day ... :]. paddy came down today too, to buy four cds, *hahaa, cds tht i want too* and gift vouchers for desmond, coz his bday is this sunday! yupppers! pat aka paddy which he calls himself * i swear i dont call him tht* has been very accomodating... i truly appreciate his kindness. he has been driving me to town too, coz he works ard there. Tht saves me alot of transport, and im always early for work. heh, he could have gone to centrepoint or paragon branch, but he came all the way to my branch from douby.... wow....

I shall talk abt the happy things in this post! so long since i put some positiveness here RIIOOTE? lol hahahaha no la... ivwe just gone mad... it's hard. Anyways, i'll share the depressive mood later LATERRRRR... okk? coz im so sleepy actually u noe! BUT! Last night! I bumped into...*drumrolls* gERRI and Ian!!! Wow...work was terrible and i felt so down...BUT! they brought me for supper at the Kopitiam food court near rendevous hotel, and we snapped pics and all! They also took cab and sent me allllll the way back to bedok north, even tough they stay in hougang and senkang (mind u from orchard leh!) They paid for EVERYTHING from dinner to cab, and really made me feel cared for last night. It was really what I needed.
Gerri has been thru alot of fucking shite since my age, and im damn happy tht she's found ian and has kaelen. Shes so happy now, and she honestly deserves it. Ian, IAN my gawd, is god sent the sweetest bf she cud ever have. Amazing couple. While I walked with them, i didnt feel down abt not being loved anymore, but rather, tht it was a joy yo see such a loving couple. Three yrs they are, and gg strong. I miss tht taste of love so much.

Pictures in a bit!

Today, : ) Work was... well sian and asusual la!, BUT! I had a few interesting customers.. and alot who ive seen over the last few days, and came back to buy more, hahaha! I have sorta become their friendsly gramophone face and person they talk to.. and from each of them, ive learnt a gd deal. Amazing customers gramophone has, really. And my new colleague is my fsv junior! :p what a SMALLLL little world ^--^
Im happy, to have someone to share more with.. sonmeone my level..rather than the senior staff... and we just hit off like tht, coz we come from the rare fsv peeps in singapore heh heh heh heh heh!

Im prib transferring to parkway branch in june--or so they say la. I dont know yet.

ok..quite tired now. I just loaded my zen software into pat's laptop, so now i can rip, burn hehehehe and hopefully, if he puts the wireless, dl from frens too! But HE HAS SO MANY MILLION CDS i already borrowed some and i guess i wont be needing new stuff online JUST YET, hohoho...also need to take from charlesm yups.

I gotta send in his mp3 player for repair thix week, and i wana check why i cant load cheena songs into my player!!! LOL

Okays.....now starts the depressive bits. Be warned! 8_8;

i have been up and down alot la. it's been tough and i am so blessed to have a place pretty nice to stay in, with a great flatmate, a cat, and in bedok too. Im not too far from everyone and church and town. familiarity is always good for me. I have adjusted to my new place, and i know i'll be sad when i leave end yr.. coz this is good enuff. i keep reminding myself how much worse i'd feel without a proper place, but now tht i do have, i must still save for the rainy day. it doesnt mean things are any easier. I never thought i can tahan this sorta work. But now i dont have a choice till i find something really suited for me. im tired. tired of shifting. tired of changing jobs, tired emotionally, tired physically and still VERY much sick. tired mentally. The load is so heavy, But im still carrying my cross.

I dont know who to blame. I can love and hate my parents at the same time, but it's partially my fault for being foolish. I did it for "us" amd for myself. so in d end, all hsi reactions shud have been something i shud have known. But blame myself for what. will it make matters any better? I know whats done is done.
i wanted to bitch and whine to nick abt everything, but it's kinda pointless isnt it. I know what he meant when he said this is what my parents want for me, and nick i actually do understand, and yes, maybe in future i will thank them for it. But i wana make it clear, tht deep down, i will hold a bittersweet feeling towards it, and i will only love the parents in the, tht brouht me up. i will never forgive dad for what he did to me, and the trauma i went thru. i will hate the parents in them tht did this to me always. I know till im older, tht i will love and hate them.

i have a long term plan. this is what i wana do. earn, save and stabilise enuff to rent at normal rate, hve enuff to eat, wear, spend, pay bills, and buy the necessary stuff i need. i wana save for music classes again or head to lasalle in yrs to come.

I am keeping optimistic, tht oen day i'll be able to sing again. coz i cannot sing anymore.

But my band, the lull, is something i love, and will keep intact for as long as possible. I will manage it so tht we or they will always be in demand and wanted.

i know tht God has been watching over me the past almost a month since all this happened.

My heart... is tired. I have tried very hard. I have been advised to make my own decision, becoz he seems to have made his. we hardly talk now. im giving him time and space to breathe, rest and think again. i do love him and will always be grateful to him for whatever we cud share. definitely every couple will be unhappy with the other for private reasons...but im glad still we had this. yes, it may have cost me alot, but it was inevitanle. I know im still waiting for an ans. But tht ans i know most prob is gonna hurt me. coz either way, it will never be the same again.

I am not decigint to go, but im gg where the water takes me. eh is the current. if he decides to not take me to shore, i have to just go back to the sea. I dont want to. but im beginning to understand tht forcing is not gonan get anywhere. with or without im already so empty.

last yr, i shud have and kinda wished i made another decision. I dont know if its far too late to change it now.

ok im tired. meeting charles later this morning. nite all.


I'LL BE OK. I KNOW IT.i think.

at cityhall's internt cafe again, though it's so ex... coz it's the nearest and most convenient from work.... darn tired...but during the day, i was still happily looking at new stock and adding it to my cd list! HAHA! I have over thirty cds on my list now *MONEY* AGHH HAHAHAH.....

anyways... work was ok... was fun with erlin and jane ard... jeff is warming up to me now, so he's not so fierce anymore? yea... i think im taking my work the right way, so things are still pretty good... i will keep tht for as long as i shud...

i still havent decided where to shift to... bedok or pasir ris... i mite just go with bedok first, i dont know why.....

it's great to be back online... existing hahahaha.....

anyways.. im really tired, i shud get gg before i pay more for this internt usage....

i cant wqit to settle down...

everything's still so neither here nor there.. my entire life at the moment, really doesnt have much meaning at all.... but i hope with time, it will again....

see u guys....

On mc today...at century sqaure now using the internet kiosk in the food court...

I really wanted to work today,but ive been fighting days and nights of fatigue, working and getting disrupttred sleep at night because of endless nightmares. It's been most unplesant, waking up and feeling like I didn't sleep at all. Today was like the final whatever hahaha. I hadto rest. I feel better now though. Ive gotten my mc already, and asked for some necessary medicine sincei'm still coughing ad stuff.

i gtgnow. Gonna meet Ethan at pasir ris to see his place.

I really feel terribly isolated man. Can't waitto shiftto Pat's place. He's got a cool cat I can play with too!Not tomention lotsof music andit'snear jw and harri.:)

Charles is out of course in BMT.The poor dude had asthma attacks, four times already--SHITE. Well, I hopehe gets into MDC. He'llbe much happier there. He certaily deservesit as much as dear or weiyil ast time. I donot understand why it's so hard to get in. strange.

Harri is taking on some realpro photo projects now. I really hope herbig break comes soon. She has what it takes. J6ust a bit of confidence boost andshe'll be fine : )

I'm awaiting a newjob,PLEASE LORD, then I rpomise church calls again and jamming and auditions. With income too.

God will makea way.

Take care everyone.


I miss you too kor. :P

Hi hi....

at cityhall's internet cafe...waiting to go meet harri and jun for dinner...it's great to have an off day...it's so precious man... i have to wait a few more days before the next off day....

work has been up and down.. i think thts normal for everyone isnt it. but im looking for something more regular again... pray ..just pray... so tht i can be back in church, gig some, and earn more than now. However, this job has been good, coz it starts at 11, and i know so much more music now....but it comes with sacrifice..sacrificing everything.. but i know well what is more impt still now.

im shifting again this sunday... to bedok north....most prob

ah, charles is bking out, and he'll finally get to see his family..thts great...

i hope theres still some hope in him and i....things havent been pretty at all...

i still cry now and then, it's not always easy.

Sammie's grandma has left us. I felt sad... she was a very sweet lady. I went to the wake last night, and finally saw kor and the choir peeps after something like three weeks. I have missed them incredibly.

Life's just been like that. Like, like that you know? That's the way life really is.

I hope smth good will come along, and with enuff money, i can slowly start rebuilding my life again.

but i really wana do tht with u.

work has been picking up these two days.. : ) been busy and thts great! Ive also gotten to know alot alot more abt music.. my knowledge on artists has widened greatly : )
It has been very very tiring definitely thou... woke with diarrhoea today, and nearly took mc.... but im glad i went to work ! : ) Go buyh The Perishers and Thirteen senses, if ure into cold play stuff : )

I just found a place to stay... bedok north... till end of the yr.. a fren's:P * deep breath* finally..... finally... i was on red alert last nite.. felt so down... today im up again. I hope this is the start of slowly rebuilding my life...and i hope when i have, he will still be with me...

sadly... my fren's grandma just passed away....auntie.. rest in peace... sammie..i will see u tmr....

love u all.. ciao....

im so so so so so so so so so confused.

i seem to understand, and at the same time i dont

if only the moon cud tell me what to do

what a boring day at work.
missed him alot, and was quite upset after what i heard from jun.. tot of finding him..then he msg and asked if i wanted to go over : ) ..tht seriously prevented me from heading back to tamp and breaking down....

very tired tho....

works reallli boring.....

hoq am i. i dont kinow.

im lucky i had some company today for my off day. guess he still wants my company? i really dont know. well, at least i didnt have to spend the day alone.

quite tired.. will update another day. gtg.

nothing new. just as confused so yea. just as down. so yea.

honestly seeing him today was great. but oh well.

i think, i have stopped crying more or less.
My heart has hardened completely. After the crying on sunday, the tears have dried up. i went for mass at holy fam on sat, and tot i cud go thru mass again opn sunday. But the min i heard nick chan and jared's voices testing the mics, i just cudnt stay any longer.
I went as fast as i cud to his house. i waited for him to wake. nothing happened. I waited longer. Nothing happened. I cudnt bear with it much more, so i decided to leave. In tht spilt second, like a movie, he took me into his arms and i broke down. he held me tight, and said sorry. told me not to leave, tht he wud try again.

after two hrs, we were single again. I juist realised hes at the age of 19 and a half. thts the age i knew him. 19 and a half. i wonder if i wasted my time. since tht nite, i felt better, but very oddly i have messed things up further. coz technically hes single, but coz i told him to call me the same sa before, since he still loves me, he has. so now we're.....together and not. i dont know how long i can witstanbd this sort of half heartedness on his part, letting him have me ard, yet not being committed. But whoose fault is it actually. mine. Coz ive let this happen. Like the poster i used to have on my wall, "to have a lizard around, is better than to not have one ard at all". I have no strength to completely get him out of my life. and i dont want to. even if i know thts the rite thing to do, since he wantst o be single. but i think the person who wud feel pain in the end is me. how did i let myself grow so attached to him. im surprised he can be strong willed enuff to leave if i say so.

as u can tell, i8m honestly in a mess with regards to this. its not like i can start dating again. i have no intention to even if im single. my heart is his.

work wise, two days at grammophone. ive learnt some stuff, but it's really a library in there. a music library. hours are long and tiring, but it's a whole day affair and to a certain extent, lets my days past faster, and end faster. i getta test out music. how kewl. pay is the only down side abt this. i really am earning peanuts....
food in orchard is blardy ex. i think im gonna start bringing biscuits to eat dur5ing break, since i bought so much at tamppines.

i feel like heading to acid bar tonight, but no money, and later have to worry abt gg home. anyway i better not. im very tired, and have to work tmr. i am still very sick, and kinda got my boss worried with all my coughing already. i try nto control it.

At night, my fears come, but i just pray and let the Lord handle it. I can't do this all. He must have a way. I'm also still finding a place to stay. rental professionally is no fucking joke. i found soem leads, tht are not confirmed yet. mite have to crash for free at someone's again for a few months or longer i hope. maybe i'll pay some. im hardly home anyway.

i miss choir. but i really am not ready to go back. i tot the familiarity of church wud be good, but when i saw familiar faces, i felt like running. something in me cant hide, and i'd break. but not seeing makes things worse sometimes.

oh well. somewhat strong and weak at the same time. just push on, till i lose it i guess. hope charles is doing fine in camp. hes like the only person who really cares.

i awoke to the pain again this morning... harri had been so kind to wait up for me once again, and i feel bad really. i love her, love her so much... charles is away, and shes been so tolerant and understanding.. waking up in her rm brings a certain sense of comfort and security tht i wish i cud keep.

Been msging him, but he's really not giving an inch back anymore. ive lost him, to what i do not know. now he can concentrate fully on his music without me being a burden to him i guess. hes like lerping, music more impt than love. ive tried to tell him, everything im feeling etc,it isnt working anymore. its... gone, for good.

i dont need to describe in millions of words how much pain im feeling now. No amount of encouragement can help.

Starting work tmr, going back to tamp to stay today. The quiet place. I want to take out m y guitar and play, and sing, but theres no mood at all.

Charles, when will u call. But its not like he can help me have jianwei back.

i just saw thw card jianwei drew for harriet the christmas tht i knew him. Hes drawn for her three cards by this ya, and he wrote inside" wah lau weh, u even changed my life.. on 11th dec, first u hooked me up with a band, and now, the love of my life!" ...where has tht gone???

Ive gtg now, meet stef and weiyi for lunch at parkway. going to view more places tonite before i head back to rest for tmr.

God. have mercy on me.

hair's very short now. tot i'd feel fresher after the haircut, but my heart still felt as heavy.i dont think i look good honestly. maybe i did, but i felt ugly.

mass at holy fam ws so different. they are so solemn and draggy thru their mass. maybe im not used to it thts all.miss OLPS alot. But still bettert han gg mass alone.

i went to meet christine tonight but it only made me feel worse. i enjoy being with harri alot. she realy perkse up and i feel happier. Maybe coz shes like my best friend. Her plc is the onli comfort i find, but now i think ihave to cut down on overniting at her place too. i dont waa impose until to omuch. its not the same as his plc anymore i guess. All the stay overs, for him.. for us...: ( I tot i cud surf thenet athis plcall this while.. i guess i wont eer see his plc anymore... or his mum for tht matter.

i drank tonite...i was at acid bar listening to this black gurl sing.. she's got fantastic powrful soulful vocals! I was delighted when she sang radiohead's creep and damien rice's blowers' daughter. :P

Harri--thank you very much for yr love and support this week...it has been hard, and i appreciate yr understanding so much.-- it is really cold now. Just so so lonely. i hope i dont ire u out soon. I dont expect yr patience to be as great as his once was... thx dear....

im viewingtwo places tmr. chellehas beenmuch muchmuch help . She really has been helping me find places. even called edwin, and i was quite shocked by his willingness to help me too. thx edo, if ure reading.

jianwei- u must have been thinking of this for so long, for yr heart is so hard now. Im terribly sad. Call me a fool. you're acually not really here anymore isnt it. even as a fren. im not ready for tht, but i think u wana just forget me. u tell me u still love me, but yr decsion to break and yr actions and words, replies, all are not even friendly anymore. over nite u just changed. understand yr reasons, i dont know if i can accept them,but i guess i have to.

I still dont believe this is happening to me. all in a week, my life has changed completely.---and u took what was left away. i dont know anything anymore. Pls pray i get a place in d area soon. My pay will be barely enuff to pay rent, but i can onli follow the wind. im realy really stressed. i really wish ure still here......

am i ready for my new job? lets hope i am....today is sat...i think i feltso uncomfortable tht it wasnt spent the usual way. tr=mr is sunday. its also gonna be entirely different. i still cant go back to choir. too many questionsi wana avoid. ure not here anymore. :(

God keep my friendswith me pls.............

i wana see u again... but yet we shudt... i really blame u.....this hurts far too much. i didnt think tht sunday wheni turned my back, it'd be thelast i'd see u ever again..... i never knew it'd be the last i'deverhold yr hand... ever kiss u...ever...

its so easy for you to say pull myself together...ure certainly not in my shoes....

pple.. i dont know how long i'll be able to sustain myself...freedom? i onli wanted it, forus...now whats the fucking point. u keep encouraging me, but what for, when uve hurtme so much. u cant love and not wana love. perhaps ujust didnt love me enuff. nothing matters now, no matter what i said.

worse come to worse, eiheri end up staying in bukit batok, or punggol. any votes on which is a nicer area? i hope wayne, my boss cofnirmsmy location soon.

gotta keep tellibg myself tht it'll be fine... it'll be fine.......

hi everyone... waiting to go cut hair with harri.. took an hr to get her from tampines.. it's really far.... broke down again last night..but angel called me and everyone has been sms-ing...unberable but once i cried, i was very tired and fell alseep. jw and i had a huge exchange of smses over last night and today...i guess hes made his decision... it's gotten very complicated, and complxed. It's hard to explain, but I have to just cope, even though I don't want to. Just say i very suay la, the timing is now. But maybe like others said, better now than later.. im not sure. I tried to save it, and not just let it go.. but he's so sure, even though he says he stilll loves me. I dont entirely blame him, but right now, i think i dont know who to blame, feel angry at, hurt, etc. No one person, be it my parents, me, or him are to be blamed. it'd sll chain reaxctions of chain reactions. Definitely appreciate what we'v e been thru, but at a time like this, i honestly feel hes very selfish. However, i think it's been on his mind for some time now. whats the pt... more i think of this, more angry i am at myself.

Im still looking for a place to rent. Not many contacts left, and the leads are all diminishing one by one. Very stressed. Tampines place, makes me feel very lonely... very far from everyone...

Monday I start work at grammaphone!!!! : ) Not sure which branch im permanently being posted to yet, but gg to centre point first.. hahaha... aiya, if only its the capitol branch.. but parkway's is the nicest by far. however, maybe t0own wud be better, for location.

im very low on cash now... shit...

some say im coping well...better than i tot i cud.. it hasnt been easy... ive lost everything and anything tht had strings attached to me... the friends ard have been great... but im gonna have to go thru a tough time, getting used to not having someone to always turn to.

how do i go out with him when we both still love each other........so so uncomfortable....i dont like it, tht he has hurt me, but still tries to care... for now, i just cant do this....

Cried the whole night. Used whatever I could to vent my anger. Harri was with me through it all, and I cannot begin to tell u how much that meant--the support, just being there with me thru the whole night. I cudnt sleep. it was another sleepless overnite with her. My mind on him, on us, on my new job, and on a place to find.

I was eating ice cream, and remembered all the times we bought ice cream together, and ate ice cream together. How we'd feed each other, and how he liked certain flavours. The tv shows we watched together. The way I felt so secure those times. Definitely hurt, turned to anger, and anger turned to exhaustion, but I still codulnt sleep. Harri stayed up with me all night. I think im very sad, rather angry but yet dont blame him, to a certain extent. what perfect timing though. I still love him. But whats the pt of hanging on if he doesnt want me anymore. If he thinks tht i can be stronger without him. Im a nobody's child now. I live, for myself, and the group of friends whoa re supporting me all the way.

It has been a hard morning. But Harriet needed to go meet simon. Ive been at her place, online..and resting...gonna make my way back to tampines tonight, and get some more rest if it's possible. I have two more days before work starts, and I don't know but I have to keep pushing on.

I was very stressed about a place to stay this morning, but friends have been much too kind and helpful. Something I cudnt be complacent about. All the people ive contacted since monday night, ahve been helping me to search for rooms to rent, and friends places etc. It hasnt been easy, but im still at it. However, I am at the moment happier, because i think I have more or less settled on a place, and it's free..talk about friends in need. It's in bukit timah, it's not exactly a place place, but I'll have internet access. It's just 45 mins away from work at most. Thank God for bus 48.

So maybe now things are picking up again. I await charles return, and then I'll shift. if i can shift earlier, I'll do it. What for trouble him. He's already done so much for me. If not I wudnt have a temp place now to hold up. wei actually never really helped in tht area, even though he knew i needed to fhit again..i wudnt know. Maybe he did.

But I wana apologise to him, if i'd done him wrong, or made him unhappy, etc. Coz the one I love still is him, and if he felt less worthy than other friends, i really should apologise then. But after so much together, I didnt think he'd give up on me again. I didnt think he wud initiate this again.

Well. Let's see where the next wind brings me.

a few things have been stressing me up.

and i haven been eating properly at all, coz to speak of it, all i have are noodles, tuna and biscuits,oh and soup. but franlky i dont know how to cook the soup. and where i am at the moment, is difficult to cook. so ive been on tuna for the past week.

i was worried abt job--i finally found it. Grammaphone. Pay,work an dall is ok. I'll be drowning my soul in music. What more ideal.

i was worried abt plc to stay--and i still cant find any.

I was worried abt us.
But he didnt even call to explain.
All i saw was on friendster.and the changes,which he hardly makes, was suddenly so quickly updated.And i dontb elieve it had nothing to do with Miss V.W.

Now i understand, all the unwillingness, over many many things over the last half a yr. Women have six sense. We are never tht wrong. I trusted the fren,when he said not to worry. But I guess i was right. But I gave him a milion excuses in my mind.

Broken. V broken.

here...in a lan cafe....

went for soem job interviews... harri's been with me... emm.. things between "him and i" arent so sure yet... as for jobs.. will be confirming one tmr... place to stay, still finding but there's still hope... stress? yes, there's stress of coz.. but everyone's pushing me on... gets lonely... but... what to do... ok ciao.. hahahaha..ive gone mad....

hi all.

im quite unlucky n yet quite fortunate i guess.

Last night,i had an outburst,and was crying.my landlord got frghtened,and said she cannot rent to me anymore. i have to shift again, by 23rd, when charles comes out of camp.

jw and i , i do not know if we're together anymore.Timing is real bad. But no one is to blame in this, and not even my landlord Im lucky tht shes letting me stay tll a few weeks later. yes, i was very distraught tht she changed her mind, even though the contract was signed. But what can i do rite.

Been furiously gg ard tm, cs, parkway and sigap to apply for jobs. things look good. might get a job soon. By this weekend i hope.

Place to stay is the biggest of worries now it no longer matters to me whether i work
weekends or not. Bti hope if i confirm a job in the east, tht i'll get somewhere in he east to ent.

right now, auntie constane is helping me to find place to rent. Nearly got one but it isnt available now. and then charles and i are gonna speak with auntie ruth tmr. she stays in punggol. im wating for chelle to get back to me. jeff is finding a place, but tht is in jurong. if i really end up there,i can get a job from ana. but dont know when jeff can find a place, since i need to shift in two odd weeks time. ive asked linus to help me find as well. called gerry too, but she hasnt called.

*breathes*

nothing matters to me now. i wish he was here with me. tht at this moment he could care. but he just cant decide... im at hari's tonite..so near him... he realy is confused... i dont blame him.. we've been dragging each other down.if we let go of each other, it'll prob be for a reason we dont know now. whatever happens, i will embrace it. i have no more time to break down and cry anymore. but my heart is very sad. i wll still go to church, but to a different church i wont forget god, even if i work on a sunday. but i need somewhere else. somewhee where no one noes me.

i can only look forward and trust the lord. What cud be he worst? live on the streets, and beg for money isnt it. Im not afraid to wither ad die. but im also not afriad to fight.

i believe something wll work.

Charles--thanks so much for yr support...

I'm adjusting now, but feels quite weird in a totally different environment. I don't know how long it'll take me to adapt, but I'll try anyway. Will try to talk to u guys online at an internet cafe or lan shop or smth. Can someone provide me some info on internet services? I have a laptop that i might be able to connect internt to... Someone update me via phone on this pls.

Ana--thanks for yr call last night, and the help u gave on the info.

I hope jw isnt too worried abt me now...

Ok-gotta go now, appling for jobs. Just tried NLB. Gotta run now, charles is waiting... Hope I'll get a job by this week.

Gonna go buy soem food too. I hpe nick packs my stuff properly. dad promised I could go back and pack, but he didnt keep his promise. So now I can only go back to collect my things. terrible. I used to think dad's a man of his word. But forget it. Just hope the list I gave, they will pack it all for me.

Ok, ciao. Take care everyone.

Love, mel

I was at breaking point, but I was very blessed,that help came. Charles and dear really helped me back onto my two feet, at the very very last minute, so now i'm still gnna have a place t stay. No doubt alone, but now priorities are completely changed. I'm gonna find work quickly, and I pray God sees me thrugh my tries, that there will be an available vacancy in any f the places i try out for. I will survive, and have enough at the end of each month. I will be online much lesser, as where im going to, has no internet or comp even. It's a lousy feeling of coz, but no point crying abt it anymore right.It definitely hurts, and i wrote a song just playing c, em, f, and g chord today. Think i was playing the tune of creep. Im not sure, haha. Buty it was a good cry. After singing, (or croaking) it ut, i felt better. i promise myself, tht this period of time and adjustment, i will get through. i don't have to go to church, to know and pray to god that he'll be with me. But while I perhaps work on a sunday, or sit quietly at my new place, I'm sure he will be with me.
I fear loneliness, and this will challenge my wil power. I know I'll get to talk t everyone alot lesser. but i'm not afraid. this might just allow me to focus more on learning guitar, def since i'll only have tht instrument left. Or reading bks! I will pack my bks haha.
I have to go home, and pack up tmr, and leave. no looking back. i have cried nights over it, and felt such fear in me the last couple of days, I don't want to face that anymore. it is too late to regret, or try to turn things back. I will love them always nnetheless.
But im gnna be away for a long time. Just call my phone. Hpefully it'll still be working. Mail me at the same address. I'll just get the mails whenever need be.
i have to be respnsible for my own actions, and bear with whatever comes. because that is what an adult should do. I cant rely on anyone. Not even family friends, can help, and tht's perfectly understandable.
I'm glad I still have the few guys or gal left, to see me through this. i'll be fine : )
I msg Sam to tell him abt my absence from choir for now. I can't g back now. I'm not ready. He was not only understanding, he said he'd never abandon me. But I'm not gonna go to him. This isn't his worry.


...."coz im a creep..... im a fighter..."