and she dreams again...

-BETTER-

hey yoosss...Im feeling okiesh today. Golden throat is amazing, but i still sound like a frog. *croak* hahaaa!

I was suppose to teach my cantors today, but I couldnt coz of the lack of vocals. AHH!

I met ren to get dear's pressie today. haha. Think I wana go watch Corpse Bride soon. I realli like it!

I'm also starting to like LIME very much! it's a gd mag! got lots pf stuff!!In the fashion area, i saw cool t-shirts with cables on them, headphones, guitars!! WOWW!! Me wana get!!!!

Ren also got himself new t-shirts, of coz, PRODULY chosen by MOI! muahahahaa...we gotch d same taste laa....so he's lucky! heh heh *chuckles* -next tiome make him wear smth ugly..no i kid-

Heh, dear's bday coming up, i really hope he enjoys himself when we go celebrate! I mis him loads...hope he realli books out tmr....

Ive learnt alot in the last couple of months, about the importance of family, with people passing away and all, and now I preach to "couple" friends i know, neverto walk the roads ive walked, like lie to the folks, meet secretly and strain ties with family, and all tht jazz. Just aint' worth it. No choice, dont like, still must play their game. Not only will it please the folks, they will have a better impression of the other party too. I never saw tht till recently.

Anyways, Harri is still not talking to me. She just zipped off to malacca--again---and I didnt even noe. I'm so sad. I'm not even given the decent treatment from this supposed good friend of mine, whom I realli came to love so dearly. The friend I defended when i quarelled with my prents. Of all things, i realli wished I wasnt proven wrong abt this one. But I guess I have. It makes me scared, of the types of pple i have come to trust. Till now, i still defend (other than my love), rene, whoose been there for me, despite our tiny misunderstanding, and meliza, and, well, I guess now it leaves me with very few.

I may have ay least 600 numbers in my phone, but not many to call close.

Once bitten, twice shy.

I hope we patch things up. For what it's worth, Harri, I'm sorry. If you really decide not to talk to me again, Ok then.

I just hope we won't regret this then.

Peeps in Singapore been having debates and talks about how much we should pour out on our blogs. But hey, look here, as long as I'm talking about my own shit, I guess you should have nothing to stab me abt.

and she dreams again...

-PRAY PRAY-

Hey guys, I just went to MOE for the interview. I really really tried my best, and i hope I will be given a chance : ) Meanwhile, I probably am gnna look for a full time job as an asst teacher at a kindergarden, or take up a part time job at a student care centre. I'm in a little dilema, coz I am only taking part time in case MOE says YES, then I can stop and join NIE immediately you see (whenever the intake is). However, what if I don't get it? Will taking part time be a waste of time and money?Maybe I should join a kindergarden first, straight, as an asst teacher, so thtif i don't get it, i can stillcontinue with the job. How??? I don't know leh.

Neways, meanwhile I'm trying VERY HARD to recover from my flu and KOFF. it's so fucking annoying. BRRR GRRR .

Also, I still haven't settled the moving home with dad and mum yet. Mum doesn't seem to be doing too well. I don't know how I'm gonna tolerate her, but I must, coz she is my mum and no matter what, i love her. I gotta remember I owe them my life.

All this I have mentioned above, with God's grace, and your prayers, let his will be done. Amen.

After going for the interview today, i went to ICA to get my passport done. Have ta collect it on Monday. I msg Renren, and he was nearby, so I decided it was about time we met up again. It's been ages, and our misunderstanding really didn't help. It's nice to feel that nothing has changed. We're still as buddy. At least he won't turn his back on me. That I have his word. I hope it stays that way. I don't wana lose another friend.

We ate at a fairly priced asian food stall, and walked around the edge for a bit. The day ended off with some purchases, and taco pachi : ) It's always nice to hang out with close friends, even if it's a short brief few hours.

This sat we're celebrating dear's bday! =) YAY! I hope he will be happy :) I miss him...Dear and I have been good, not to worry ya pple..hee...

Okies, shall pen off here. Reporting to the world done for today. HAHA

and she dreams again...

-hopes, and solemn wishes-

I'm keeping my hopes up. Tmr is the night. I must get ta go home. I emplore God's strength again, to really see me through the anticipated moments. I can't do it mby myself. lord, prepare me, help me to stay calm, to be my raw self, look them in the eyes, have no fears, no reservations, NO PRIDE. Help me lord. You have given me enough signs these few months, to show me that what is really important, and the people who matter, are the very loved ones who are blood related. You have put situations in front of me to see, even the cloest of friends or the other half, can leave you any time. But one thing stays. Family. You have taught me, it comes down to one thing, and as much as I am ashamed that i have never wanted to face this truith, it is. Another friend's relative just passed away. I have seen enuff Lord. I understand.

HE has shown me, even through these few trying months, that HE was ALWAYS there for me. He helped me, even though i had gone away from him. That's how much HE loves me. My Lord, thank you. You have shonw me time and time again, U don't leave me stranded. i just worry too much, like any human would. Forgive me for my lack of Faith, Father.

I'm keeping my hopes up, The interview is this wednesday. I'm gonna go there, ready to snatch a position in NIE. However, if in the case that i do not get it, I will not despair. I have found other avenues of jobs, with relation to teaching, and I'm sure I can get smth. My calling, is teaching. I finally found it. =)

Next week is an important week . My dateline is reaching. Harri is still cold-shouldering me. I am disappointed . I hope she sees this post. I thought after talking, she would have put things aside. Maybe I wasn't good at the talk, again. It saddens me. Coz i remember we formed a strong friendship, one that knew no secrets or boundaries. I have lost a friend. again.

Harri, if I head home, with us like this, I am very sad, gurl.

Weiyi. He has also disappointed me. I want NO ONE to misunderstand this statement. It is the friendship I thought had been through every obstacle, and it has probably been one of the best friendships I have formed over my teenage years. But he has disppointed me. To hear from his own gf, my own gd friend, stef, that he ppurposely decided to forget to msg me back. I have excused him a million times, and i doubt this is exageration. Now, even on a soley, purely buddy basis, when a friend passed away, he couldn't veen show some support. I don't know. It may be a misunderstanding at the end of the day, but I'm certainly tired of his irresponsible attitude towards everything else. I hope army teaches him. How do u take care of a girl, if you can't get these things right. Now when I am reminded of him thru people or songs or things, I am no longer happy. I rather not remember.

But with all this said about the above mentioned friends, i am no matter. I point my finger in first, and I know I have alot to improve on. Everyone does.

My friend's dad passed away and was cremated today. I sang for the funeral mass that was weel and proudly attended by many of us, but i couldn't help feeling very sad. My friend didn't have the chance to really be close to his dad. I don't want to make the same misatke. I see people go, i see sadness all around. I see friends go. i cry. I need to start making my life right.

Many people are being taken away by illness, and esp cancer recently. For all who have lost friends, family, this goes out to your loved ones:

May the Choirs of Angels,
Come to Greet you,
May they speed you to Paradise.
May the Lord Enfold you,
in his mercy,
May you find Eternal Life.

I don't know if i should read into this, but i hope it is a sign of acceptance. An unspoken acceptance from mum. I requested she stand next to me tonight, as I sang this song to her. I hate this ong now. Coz it hurts deep down inside of me so bad. This ain';t what a catholic girl should be. I love you mum and dad. I'm sorry. This is for you. each time I sing this, by the second verse, i am crying, just like tonight.

-Prodigal Son-
(v1) Father I have sinned, help me find my way,
remember not my sins, just let me hear u say
Chorus:
I Forgive You, I Love You,
You are Mine, Take my Hand,
Go in Peace, Sin no More, Beloved One.
(v2) Father I have turned, my back and walked away,
depended on my strength, and lived life my own way. (go back to chorus)
(v3) Father I have closed, my heart to those in need,
thought only of myself, a victim of my greed. ( go back to chorus)
(v4) Father, I have loved, if loves the word to use,
I've played so many games, they've left me so confused . (go back to chorus)
(v5) Father, I've returned, I'm HOME with you to stay,
standing by your door, knowing that YOU'LL SAY(go bac to chorus)

Dad, Mum, I'm not perfect, but I will try my best to be. Let me be the best i can be to you from now on. I know I will falter and fall, but please be forgiving and understand me. I need to be home, if not, I know I'm pretty much downhill from here. please, dad, mum, save me. I know you love me. I'm really sorry I have been foolish.

HOME - Michael Buble

Another summer day
Is come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home

Mmmmmmmm
Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aerorplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right

And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believe in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
And even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
Oh, let go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home

It'll all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

and she dreams again...

-Thank you Lord-

I am awake.. I have woken from my nightmare. It is now time to finish what i messed up, and created. Time to throw away the bad things as well. I'm 20. I gotta get back on track with all my peeps, and most of all my family.

No one said it's gonna be easy. No one said I'm gonna cope with no sweat. But I wana pass God's test this time round. It's time to give him back what he so duely deserves.

Mr evil whom i will not speak off, you have gotten the better of me for far too long. Stop masking me do what is bad. What is harmful to myself, and what is wrong.

It's really time to start picking up the pieces. No more crying. I wana be a new MEL.

I appreciate the God sent friends who had literally pulled me outta my self-created shit hole, gave me a waking, and has given me the strength to walk again. No, not my strength, but the God granted strength to get up again. I prayed and asked for your strength, Lord. You really granted it. Now I know. All you wanted me to do, was to have a good talk with you.

Thank you Lord.

and she dreams again...

-Monday Blues, Blacks, Reds, Greens, Purples, and every other colour of the spectrum-

It's monday. It's been More than a week that i've left my previous job. YET AGAIN
I backtrack.
To Yesterday.

Sunday, my all favourite day, but I was feeling too ill to go for practise. I slept the whole day throughm and nearly decided to give mass a miss. But I just had to go. How could I miss mass. How could I miss the once a week chance of seeing my brother. Took a cab and got myself to church. The cold air blew in my face and I felt half awake during mass. I felt sad.

Prodigal son was sung again--of ALL SONGS. The tears flowed once again. I'm lost. I'm everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Each week's homily eats me up more and more. How long am I gonna last this nightmare? I would have loved to join the dudes and dudettes for dinner, but Auntie said she was cooking something nice. I made my way home--having much difficulty getting a cab back, and realising i forgot my EZ link card all at the same time. NVM. After much effort, i'm back, to realise I have no dinner. There was mis communication, I really don't blame anyone./ Law and Jeff were over, but I didn't even have the mood to have fun with them. Auntie cooked me some nice dry noodles with scrambled egg and mince meat, together with the soup she kept for me. That was nice.

I did nothing for the rest of the night, excpet talk to Freda on the phone, after being unable to find much solace from dear. I was just too upset. Just too much in me to spill or scream out. i am bursting. I'm suppose to be strong, but it's all coming down on me at the same time. I swear i have never had a harder few months than these. I know, this was all my doing. Who am I to blame but myself? But I am upset. I want out, and want back in, yet am so afraid of everything. I even hesitate to go for job interviews now, knowing that It's probably be a watse of my time again. The reluctance to wake up to the world everyday is getting stronger and stronger. Am i not suitable for a single job that will fit in with my usual schedules? Am I that lousy. I think so.

I feel ive become a burden to everyone, even dear. How much of my depressive complains can anyone take, not to mention dear. he is already being as strong as he can be for me. No one is me. No one can really understand the craziness that spins through my head these days. While I was in church, i feared even getting an office job. I remembered dad's boss, and the SHIT HOLE that he is. I don't want and am not ready to face such an adult world. The polotical one, that is. But what are the chances of getting a simple, yet not too simple, decent, un political job? It's almost zilch, nudda, none. And once I do get a job, will I be ready to face it responsibly? Maturely? Correctly and the best i can? I'm honestly not sure. What's after that then? Just work and more work and how about where I am to go? I have nowhere to go--except home. I don't want to pretend that i'm allowed to stay here for eternity. I'm sure i won't have to money to be elsewhere either. What am I to do. WHAT AM I TO DO. Please, lord, have mercry on me. DON'T Judge me with fairness, for i would probably end up in hell. Judge me with mercy and forgiveness. It's so quiet here these days.

I decided to sleep last night, as i had no mood to do anything whatsoever. I wish i had the time to spend with nick. Time at home. Tiome, at home. I really severely underestimated the stable feeling of home, of your own room, whereyou don't have to worry for a day, that you have no where to live. I feel like a begger. Begging for jobs, begging for places to stay, begging for love. Begging for some attention. I need a holiday. I need some rest. I can't take it anymore.

I woke this morning, and druggingly opened up the classified-again. Not much today. Called up one or two ads. Went for two interviews. The world outside is still keeping busy. The interviews were a little too much for me. But i'll still oblidge. Kill me, someone. Give me back my life. I feel like I'm partially dead already.

-I forgive you, I love you,
You are mine, take my hand,
go in peacer, sin no more, beloved one-

and she dreams again...

I smell....I smell..I smell the eeewwy infection in my throat. The phelgm smell is AGH disgusting! Sheesh. Can't sing today. Dopes. Now, should I sleep, OR watch a movie? dunchno!

and she cries again...

...It's been hard on us.

I have a lot to pour out. First, I am fighting a very nasty flu, with a fluctuating fever nagging it on. Whilst fighting it, I am very furiously job hunting. I found today's interview a waste of my recuperating time, and money. But, despite all this, i am glad to have another day to live. Life is too fragile. It's just too fragile.

14th September 2005

Today is Angie's birthday. I still wished her, even though I knew she would probably be feeling very very bad, because of Perry's leaving. I knew she wouldn't reply, like she always did all these years. How could anyone forget such a thing when it happened on the night she celebrated? ( I beg all of you, not to scold me if I write anythign too sensitive here. I need to let it out too). I was so shocked and upset, i wrote out my thoughts in my organiser, which is something i never do. It'e either online, or in my diary. However, I just had to let it out of me. While I waited for dear at milenia walk, after one of the interviews, I started writing and writing. I had to hide my sadness when i went for the interview. HOW COULD IT BE.
...
I knew something was very wrong when i couldn't sleep the night before. I usually suffer from insomnia, due to my burdened mind. However, on the 13th September, I called my brother late at night, telling him i was frightened and the sounds and shadows i saw were really scaring me. I felt a very heavy uneasiness in me. I couldn't describe it. I feared the worst of the worst. I felt the same feeling when Vicki left us that fateful day months ago. I couldn't sleep. Something bad was gonna happen. I felt very sad, and I cried that night.

I woke up in the morning, went online to get smth for my interview, and nikky msn me.:"Perry Passsed away last night", she said. My heart sank. This was the looming feeling I had the whole night. Perry passed away. How could it be. How was Sam feeling now? she and him were preparing for marriage, that i knew. They were so fantastic a couple. How could it be. I refused to believe. He passed away after getting fits, profuse vomitting and a round of street soccer. I'm not close to either of them, but i have always seen him around with Sam in school, and I do read sam's blog, and see their pictures on friendster. I couldn't help feeling at a loss for Sam. It ain't funny, when this is the second seath in the year that my classmates and myself have to face. Now, i understood why i kept thinking of Vic that night.

The sun still shines the next morning, but the world is different again. The bus ride i took this morning, felt like that of the one we took to Mundai to send Vic off. There was an unspoken sadness in me. Sam is very sad, and i think it is a huge understatement. Who wouldn't be?? I still can't believe it. But God decides when he wants to take you, and takes so suddenly. Sam and him were going on strong. I always felt break-ups are terrible. A death in a relationship literally tears one apart. Why? Why has God taken him away? First Vic, now him. And yet the sun still shines the next day. Sad and helpless is the only thing we can do isnt it. We just dont have a choice. We can't call him back, his heart has stopped beating. His was another of so many deaths while in service towards our country. Just unacceptable to me.

I miss Vicki. I'm very worried for Sam. God, please, take care of Sam and Perry's family in this time of grief. Please let time slowly heal them.
Life is so fragile. Treasure those around you. More and more of us are falling sick. I wonder whether i myself would just go becasue I'm too weak already.

Dear Lord, i hope Perry is with you now. Perry--I'm sorry i never spoke to you before, but i hope you're resting in peace. God be with you my friend.


15th September

I dont understand how (1) life can be so fragile. I'm still upset by Perry's leaving. I'm still shocked.

(2) I've been spending too much. Meals, transport, and on little items that catch my eye. Dad asked me why i keep spending like this. I'm still watching my biudget, but the stress has been casuing me to get stuff, it makes me feel better. I've been spending quite a bit on my necessities as well. But I still trust that God provides, somehow. I'm tired of finding jobs. Nothing seems to suit. Trust in him is what is severely lacking in me now.

(3) Dad's very stressed at work. I HATE HIS BOSS. I will shoot him with a gun if i could. Dad says mum is upset with me, that I haven't learnt anything..at least not enough.. I beg to differ. What's wrong with me then? Perhaps I've learnt to live so very differently from my family, which now doesn't mean it's bad or good. I'm at my wits end. Dad says he rather not have me back, coz he's been happier without me around, coz MUM doesn't complain about me. Dad says he rather I stay out and do my own thing. There goes my studies, and my life. I'm doomed.
Either way is just as bad. Going back or staying, since the cons seem to outweigh. I'm really scared. i don't even know what is it now, that dad can help me with. Is he willing to take care of me while i stay out? if he can pay for stuff, let me study, while i take care of myself out here, it might just work. However, i need my stuff which are still at home. But I wana go back. I'm bursting, and i don't know how much more I can take. What have i done.

The way I'm going now, i'm gonna pass away young. I feel very ill. When will the fever subside. When will the flu go off.

HELP.

and she dreams again...

-Black, Pink, Purple,and Blue Colours Collide-

Nopes, my dear friends, not red and blue collides..*hahaha* Sorry, only the choir members would understand that joke. No, what i mean is, I've noticed lately, that i do like the colour pink quite alot. it has been natural for me; I carry a pink harversack, I own a pink organiser, recently was given a pink cap as a present, because I loved it so much, and purchased a pink watch for myself just last week or so. Though I refrain from actually WEARING anything pink (due to my skin tone), other accessories seem to look fine on me. : )

I bought a new pair of mary janes today. No, that's not the brand. It's the only way to describe it. I threw away the old pair, as it has corroded--lousy shit. The new pair is of better quality. i couldn't find the ones Mum bought at john Little's. DOPES. Nevermind, i saw this pretty baby at Heeren some time back. It was there, and also at their other branch in far east, so i got it. Needed to replace it anyway. I was VERY tempted to buy another pair of converseLOOKING shoes--but god spoke to me, and there wasn't my size. GOOD. :) I also saw two lovely bags i wish i had the luxury of buying and owning. But i knew better. Must watch my expenditure. SERIOUSLY wish i don't have to be so worried about finances. It sucks, especially for shoppoholics like myself and like the girls who were from my class. It's just sp nice, shopping. I love to get pretty stuff and accessorise. Nevermind, I do it slowly then.

Dear couldnt' come out today. sad sad. Had to replace an MC person for sispec. heh. Tmr i mite get ta see him. It was very nice spending soem time with Harri again anyway. We haven hung out in a long time. i think I got dear quite worried, coz seems "mo mo ren" is interested in me. HAHA. But dear can relax man..coz I'M NOT one bit interested. i already have dear. ;p Hee..shall go sleep now. Needd ta wakey early. Oh, also, i have been feeling more ill again. Flu and cough. I am weird man. REALLI. Went out for a short while today, and felt awfully tired when i got back. Didn't help i had one of those tummy traumas again. OK. sleepy. SHALL GO.

and she dreams again...

-wow-

Today has been AmaZiNg. I have spent 99 percent of the day sitting my ass in front of the comp, just chatting and chatting and chatting...and......... haha, to many people at different points of the day. I think i spoke to Joyce throughout the day, Jonnie, Kor, Harri ,(who is home!!!!!! )*drumrolls* Jenny, my little friends from England, Dear, Mervin, Lisa da kie, Carol da jie, Jeff (Vic's godbro), and i wonder who else. I think i sent the entire wolrd my demos, hahahahah!!!! I';M PROUD OF THEM! lol. I have come to realise How addicted I am to chatting and sms. I haven't done this in so long, and it was nice, being online for the ENTIRE DAY.

i applied for jobs meanwhile, and got some responses. Harri is home,a dn Auntie Constance got me some o=very nice lovely presents. They are God sent. Who else would have been so kind to me? They aren't even family. But they still feel somewhat like. I am very grateful and touched by their kindness. God will see that they get what they deserve : )

U guys have any idea how WONDERFUL friendster classifieds are? Amzingly effective. : ) Anyone lookingf ro good buys, there are ads too. I had Popeye's for dinner! Courtesy of Harri and family! hee. Simon enjoyed the trip and it was his first time on the plane. ;P WHEE. I need a holiday so bad.

Have I left out anything? Oh yes, Im gonna start playing Maple Story!!! HEH. Haha. Dear's and many others' reccomendation! I'm pretty sure it is better than DOTA isn't it REN?? :]

Nites pple. Luv you all.

and she dreams again...

here i go , snacking AGAIN. More biscuits for the one and onli MELMEL. people love or hate me. haha. Sorry, i can't seem to upload my pics. Another time, perhaps. Time to sleep, and never wake up! *I kid* relax. I'm too chicken for that.

and she dreams again...

-I feel like a fool-

Like i was saying, before the eletricity got CUT. INSERT--> it's thunder, lightning, and heavy downpour here. I'm all alone at home, for the fifth day running, and am anxiously waiting for Harri and family to come home. I wonder where they are now. Why does the flight from Thailand take so long??=(

I feel so idiotic right now. Blog surfing, and everyone seems to have a stable job, and are all able to go shopping like nobody;s business. WAIT. maybe it's just that particualr group of classmates I have. I don't envy them. i'm not jealous, or maybe I'm just angry with myself. How stupid could I be? Look what I've done to myself. i wonder if , in the first place it was worth it. Yea, sure i was free from all the nags, and the curfews, but if I was where i'm suppose to be, i won';t need to worry about money so much. But, YET, it may be good, for me to learn, from the very beginning of my career searching days, that it doesn't mean i'm working therefore, i dont need to save. Even then, i'm finding it so difficult to be ise about my spending. i always think I spend alot. Darn, I wish i could spend the way they do. A part of me does la. People, please don't be offended. I'm just angry with myself.

Everyone's at a particular stage of their life, where their parents trust them. the big word is trust. And what have i done? There's not a night, I'm not taunted by nightmares of related issues. I haven't slept well, in months. Does anyone know how that feels? I know I'm this pathethic soul, spilling my own milk again, when I caused all this myself. This is again, one of the days I whine. Other days, I'm happy I still have a roof above my head, and a computer to use. i'm sorry i ever got Harri involved in all my nonsense. i';m so afraid I'd be told off by her dad one day. Just WHEN can go home, and deal with these myself and stop being a burden to her family? I'm sorry babe.

I've learnt a couple more things. I can cok my own instant noodles very well now. Haha, and while it started to rain so heavily just now, I suddenly remembered I had clothes that were hanging out to dry. the FIRST time ever, that i had to worry about such stuff. Mum--I understand now.

the Homily on Sunday, really hit all of us in the family There was a part of it God was talking to mum, dad, nick and myself about. Lord, if it be your will, may I head home, accept anything that comes my way, take it all in my stride, and behave accordingly. Let me learn patience, wisdom, and help me grow up please. I have fallen so far behind my peeps. This isn't right.

Look at my classmates of the same age. They are all standing tall, firm, and got everything in order. Sometimes, i feel sorry i was ever born. Hurting loved ones so badly. My bro, whom I've caused so much sadness and stress. My boyfriend, who loves me, and yet I failt o follow in his good foot steps. Why don't I see the light? Or am i jinxed? I don't believe in such things.

I only have my songs to bring me through it all. Even then. it still feels weird here. There are some things that homehad. I walked away from it. I am the prodigal daughter, who has wronged her parents so much. But how could living together have gotten so hard.

On a lighter note ^___^, I have been sneidng out my demo to many!! Everyone l;oves it! I have received comments, that it is lovely, and on their repeat mode..ahaha...I must admit I'm proud of it. However, a newer version will be out soon, as my voice wasn't mixed well.

And also another piece of good news!! I sang REALLY WELL on sunday!!! It's one of those rare times that i cantored well. : ) *clapss* MEL, dont be mad, will you.

I'm gonna head to john little's or far east, and get a nice pair of cheap shoes. I need it. one more thing I need badly. A NEW HANDPHONE. So that i will STOP btching so much about it.

Last thing. is it time to change my blog layout? I seem to write nothing but depressing stuff on it. Angfie has such pretty layouts. I also realised i haven't put up a picture in a long time. I shall do just that.

Darn, I'm so sleepy. i shall go napo. NAPO NAP NAP.Something i haven't had the fortune to do, in ages. Oh yes, I spend my entire day here, my comp i mean, msn-ing all the way, sending out more job applications,blog surfing, snacking and snacking and getting some personal chores done, and I'm still here, surfing. I suck.

I wish i had a recording company, recording contrack. I don't have to be popular, I could even record God's praises all the way. Lord. Help me to trust you more,to have more faith, for I know everything in YOUR TIME, not mine. I'm sorry lord.

and she dreams again...

-BE WITH ME-

Directed by Eric Khoo, Art Direction by Shaun Koh.

What's past is past and what's now is now. But, I never forget to show support to friends who need it. Honestly, i forgot this was the film shaun worked on. However, after watching it, it shows his work in it, and his style is definitely recognisable. I think Eric and him make a good duo.

So, obviosuly I enjoyed every sec of the film. I enjoyed the colours chosen. The thecnical part of it, in short.
Thumbs up to Ezan Lee and Samantha Tan. Commendible performance. More thumbs up to the blind and deaf lady. I was truly touched by her strong will to live. I think the film realli makes us reflect on our own lives, and how we're treasuring and living each day.

I watched it on the 8th Sept. Same day as Zhi Cao. What a coincidence. I could watch it a second time. For someone who has missed out on a lot of big time summer holiday movies, this local film really satisfied me.

The suicide reminded me of our dearest Vicki. I couldn't help but feel sadeneed again by her loss. I wonder if she too, like the old man's wife, stands somewhere near all of us, and watches over us. Vicki dear, do you? Maybe that's why we really do sense your presence. I miss you, Vic.

I have no updates for jobs yet. I only know I really need rest, and I feel steadily that i'm losing grip each day. I really gotta be stronger.

I wana say thank you to dear, for treating me to gelare ice cream after jam session last night. It was very sweet of him. Jam session was alright, but didn't help that alot of us were not feeling too well.

Okies, i'm off now, to run around Singapore. God bless ya all.

Peace be with you.

and she dreams again...

-Long time- RANTINGS AHEAD. BEWARE.

I've stopped blogging for a while, I've noticed. Like Nikky, I find it quite hard to write out so much that has been happening to me. It hasn't been easy.

I'm backm to being jobless, as of today. I'm waiting for a response from NIE, and going all over to apply for teaching positions. Not many la, actually. I need a job now. Should I head back to cartel first? or will it be bad. They need people, i just checked. HOW? Or find something totally new. I knwo what i wana do le. i wana teach. Will NIE gives me a chance at it? If Ising for my passion, and teach coz I love it, then F&B is just my interest, coz I can't do it full time due to church ministry commitments. I dont care what anyone thinks, i know that much I'm doing right.

However, my being late for work, OF COZ, has led me to where I am today. irresponsible. Who cares whether I am not feeling well that day, have menstrual cramps, or couldn't sleep the night before?? I know, it's my fault, and I dug my own grave. BUT, forget it. I'm nto gonna work for a place that expects me to be indispensible, and blame me for it. Fine, I know, it is my fault.

Dad and Mum were right. All my carelessness back home, all my indecisiveness on things, all my fluctuating feelinsg about anything at ll, and my "feel like it"s" just don't work in the real world. i'm not used to working full time. That much i have come to realise. So, I wana teach, and if I dont get any of these, I wana do office job. Yet, that is a realli realli huge area, even if it's admin.

I'm slowly and steadily ruining myself. It started off with my acting very smart and shifting out of home. then my 'acting" strong , trying to survive all this while, in turn casuing me alot of stress and unnecessary stress. Then to not having any direction in terms of work. Doesn't help that i give bf alot of worries all the time. I feel like he really doesn't need it. Maybe by now, he's already sick of dealing with me. I wouldn't know, cause it seems fine ON THE SURFACE. Well, It's not like i'm a fantastic gf either. Oh well.

Bro is prob at his wits end with me. I'm just so upset with myself. Today is one of those days again. I seem to blog only the unhappy days. Is he really being true to me? Do i desrve it? Are we even being honest with each other? I wish we could talk, but you know, he doesn't like to talk about things. I just sned up taking it all in , and breathing it all out slowly. dear, r u ok? Yes, of coz. No, maybe it's me la. He has been so good to me anyway.

YAY! jam sessiion tmr!!!!! FINALLY, smth I love. FINALLY. I feel sorry for my old tuition lady. i keep postponing on her. dui bu qi, mdm lee. I met ren today after i watched Be With Me. Ren is so busy with school now, and the china gurl who likes him. I'm happy he's busy with school, and appreciate that he kept me compnay for a few lunches during work already. Thanks ren. He has a bright future ahead of him. Be With Me has my respect. Shaun, I loved your art direction, and it's simply so heart warming. Good work pal.

Harri and family are in Bangkok now. I wish i could go for a holiday now. I've been needing it for a very long time now. But, look what I've done to myself. i think by now, many would say stop bashing myself up for it, and do something about everything. Maybe it's my pride, that won't admit how pathethic I am, in front of the people in my life who matter most.

xaio wen might be studying soon.; Nikk is going to SIM and Faith is also in SIM. Where am I? ...I'm sorry, i am in one of my "let it all out moods". I try very hard, and I have been as strong as i can be. But, i'm so tired. God, thank you for everything, though. Despite what You're putting me through. Only you have the answer to my future. I will still try to improve and be better. i feel like going to Uni too, to do either music, or mcm. This is if i go home, and if I dont get into NIE.

My ahir is REALLY short now. OH YAY. yup. Oh BTW, my demo recording is done!! Wei yi and myself have got a copy each, while we gave special wordings for ash's copy. Nice that now we're both attached, we can be such gd friend,s and concentrate on our duet duos, recordings and stuff. I know he has been very relieved since i got attached. =) I think it;s so much better this way too. It felt weird taking the photo with him that day at the studio. We were both commenting that jianwei and stef would probably be jealous or uncomforatble. Indeed, i think steffie was a little uncomforatble when she saw it. Haiz, oh well. work is work.

I'm sorry, for giving you so much worry, so much nonsense. I am me, and if you're not happy with it, just say so. if you are keeping me only because you think you need me, please tell me. I just need you to be honest with me. oh gawd.