weekend was awesome--with the guys.
I had a great time with dear, and on sunday had lunch with joycie who has gone off to aussie for study again. Miss her already. She's really a sweet girl.

Today was quite bad. I thought of writing lots of details, but i'm too lazy for that at this present moment. The details are in my head, and spinning and spinning, so guess i don't need to explain tht to anyone.

Maybe when i'm in a better mood I will bother.

Just wana play music now.

CIao.

My hormones are completely whacked the last months plus.... guys have no idea how crazy tht makes a woman. hahaha

I was wondering what caused my ulcers... all at one time, and what I could do abt it. WELL, --vwahlah, here it is: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mouth_ulcer

All the symptoms and causes I have. Hah, tht explains.

Anway, im on the way to losing/quitting my job, whichever doesn't sound so bad..

taking serious considerations to smth else, which has been offered, for temporary basis, but i have alot to think abt...yeap.

ohh, heh, in case u were curious: the main factors tht cuased my ulcers, since i know myself well, were (1) stress and alot of it, (2)period, (3) hormonal changes (4) emotional stress. (5) wrong food. THERE--we have it laid out nicely. hahahahaha

I don't know which is better sometimes=-losing someone to death or losing someone who still lives.

I'm still breathing--yea.

Charles is a constant reminder, for me. He reminds me, keeps me in check, not to wallow. And I make sure as best that I don't do that, cox I am aware it isn't healthy. It may be in-born in me, but I'm trying my best to cut myself out of it. The mind wonders when it is idle. So so true. I have noticed that it wonders too, when too vexed, too tired out.

He was right, this probably is a test. Everyone is busy--how do I take it all? When I'm pretty much stuck too, within my reluctant routine, and health problems. No amount of rest these days, seems enough. I'm not coping with work. If I don't get well soon, Im gonna lose this job before I can tender my resignation or withdrawal from the contract. Only hesitation--the next job.

I am far from independent--takes me a long time to admit. I am far from strong--I can be stronger. Having Jw away from me, makes me think about alot. And I can't help but wonder whether " Once you say I can't live without you, it's the end.", is true? Secretly, I keep these thoughts to myself. A part of me feels that way about him now, and a part of me doesn't.

These days, I've noticed, thinking too much really deosn't help. Worrying too much makes me feel worse. Reflecting is one of the sure ways to end up crying to bed. So why do it? Emo is bad. I wished I never was born so emotional. But that has definitely been the one way I feel my songs when I sing.

With him or without, with friends or without, with a job or without, with a family or without, I still have to live. Even if the world crashes, I still have to find a way to push on. It's madness.



When am I gonna get a response ever? I've really not given up. I keep denying that I haven't. Who am I kidding.


God, grant me the serenity, to accept the thing I cannot change, the courage, to change the things i can, and the wisdom to ow thw difference.
Lord, I gues I also ask, for you to take over me, and walk my feet, before I lose my way further, and walk ven more aimlessly. I need you, Lord. Come, please, speak to me.


The nicknames haven't changed. There must be a reason.


Charles--thanks for being ard lately, dude. Really.

one wish, tts all i want: for the millions of sick people aroudn the world to be healed. Let there be no such thing as illnesses, diseases and fatal conditions. ARGH.

sick of myself.
sick of the world, and all the bad illments it brings people.
i hate the saf. treats its people like slaves.




i feel like a burden to him. do nothing but make him feel worse.

i nearly startec crying the next half second if I did not hear nick come home.
I was so happy he was home. I was able to feel "normal" again. The next min I knew I started feeling "cuts" in my mouth as well. Ulcers?? OMG.

great so now that's ulcers in the throat AND mouth, with a slight fever, and a really weird stomach problem. Im paranoid about stomach aches now. I am, really. I even feel that I'm obsessed abt it.

Some cuts on my body are starting to bleed with a "stinging" feeling.

WHAT'S happening to me.

YOU.

"Are you honest? Think again..."

can you answer your own question anymore? I feel that you don't believe in this anymore.

I know already. Stef just told me. I'm not myself anymore. I think that's it. I'm not myself anymore.

WHat will I be by the end of the yr? Why do I feel down so easily.

What have I become?

Feeling moody.
Getting more moody easily these days.
Just checked my temperature and I have a slight fever. I have two or three ulcers in my thorat I suspect, and they're awfully painful.It's worse than the pain you get from sore throats.

Had instant soup and bread for dinner. While I had dinner alone, I felt like crying. I seem to be feeling depressed again.

Today, the choir was shorthanded, but we did well even so. We were brave, and so was God with his confidence in us. I gave whatever I could, even though I could hardly sing. I knew the support I had to give to Nick and Sam Lee and Jared was vital. We will stick together, to get this choir moving continuously. I love this choir, i love evry single person in it. It is very very important to me, because it has become a place I spent my last few teenage years growing up in. I've met some of the greatrest individuals here, and learnt alot, and a place I could turn to at the end of the week, where I could feel happy. It wasn't because I fell in love in this choir, that is the least important. God gave me a beautiful gift, and I developed and praised his name thru this gift he gave me, and so I give my all back to him, or whatever I can give. No winds are gonna blow this family that has formed. Other people can be choosy about coming, and say it isn't important, and feel that they hold no responsibility towards their part in the choir, but I feel it very much. Nvm, short of a few voices and talents, but God makes a way, somehow. You want to be part of something, don't do it halfheartedly. Either do or don't do at all. Those who have chosen to walk out, hopefully will see what they have left behind. Those who keep one foot in, really should think why they are even doing so. I just hate it. We need you, is it so difficult to give some talent, when you're already aroumd anyway? I don't want to argue about it anymore. it hurts so much. Here we are, struggling, your friends need you. You once said this choir meant so much to you. I always felt I had expectations of you, but I don't anymore. Everytime I have expectations of a special friend, they disappoint to the highest degree.

But somehow also, I don't blame you even though I do. Coz you and i, are like north and south poles when it comes to our priorities. Maybe only the priority of the other half is on the same wave length. Saw you after mass, but somhow just standing there hurts. I want so much to catch up with you, coz it's been such a long time. But we can't. I miss that friend, that buddy, that friend I used to share so much with. Now I feel tht we hardly know each other anymore. I know it isn't your fault. It isn't. I just miss those times so much. Seeing you, makes me want to sit there for hours with you, and just yak. When I stare at you, old times come back to me, and I just can't take it. I have to walk away. I can no longer share with you the way we used to.

Why. Why do these things happen. I know and have accepted that friends come and go. But I can never take the friends who walk off, or fade away, when they were so so so special to me. You were the most important friend I had, for a huge number of yrs.

You faded away.
Then I lost Meliza, before I realised it. I dreamnt of her last night, I dreamnt that we were hugging each other. I cried when I woke up. I miss her so much. I didn't send her off, I didn't cry when she left, but I felt numb. I don't play that important role in her life anymore. I wonder how she is in Aussie. Is the food alright for her? Is she cold there? How is she adjusting? Is she safe? I miss her so much.
But I know my time with her had come to an end. The sharing I could offer, was time-up. Like you. I feel like I gave you away to a more lovely soul. She fills the every inch of you, and that litle bit of space I used to have in you is gone.

Then I lost him. I know Ive lost him forever.
The wrongs I did, the load I bear, the nights I cried, the dreams Ive seen him in,I can only wake up and try to forget each day it happens. Cry it off, and walk the day as always. He walked away for good.

I didn't join family for RCIA, coz I felt sick, tired, and had to get home to do work. but I also wondered whether it is part of me that doesnt want to feel awkward and face them, and not want to join them. And also, I feel like they don't want me to be with them. There'd be less tension. Tension we caused.

I miss dear. I miss dear so much it tears me. He went in camp on wednesday, and said he'd be out this coming thurs, but now I have to get thru an entire work week before we can meet again. V-day is just a day, but when Im so unstable, I know it'll eat me up on tuesday nite itself. Our 14 mths is on friday. Im still trying to find his present. Ive gone to two shops and I still can't find. Im so afraid I can't get it.
Dear i miss you alot. Come home soon pls and be safe.

Another work week. But I want to try and see if I can make this all work again. I had a nice night out with Christine yesterday, despite feeling like shit. We had a lazy dinner at blujazz, and tea at a nearby teahouse, and it felt so good. We just chilled and I hadn't done that in ages. She encouraged me, and I want to give this another shot. Thanks Chris. Just when I was in need, she was there.

Sometimes I forgot there are these few sweet uiet friends on the side line. Shawn called last night, my ex, and we just talked, mellow but certainly comforting. Kalif ihas been a real clown but I can't get near him and I know I chouldn't beczuase we would drive each other down the depressive road, and might just cause each other's further downfalls. Nonetheless a poly friend who still remembers me. I don't keep in touch with many other than ana, nikky, kalif, shawn, jermaine, to name a few.

Harri, Charles, thank you. Whenever you can be here for me, you have. I really apprecite it. I know both of you have your own lives to lead, so thank you in advance for the times shared to come, and may we never lose each other. I don't want to lose anyone anymore.

We'll see how work works out. The music scene has no light for me yet. Only god knows.
We'll see how family works out. I feel like giving mum and dad money. But the pain is so much.

Dear, come home soon please. I need you. I don't know how else to tell you. I know you don't read my blog anymore, i wish there's so much you can understand, I'm sorry, I really need you yo help me recover from all the wounds I carry. I need you back to take care of me. I need you.

Weaker and weaker. Falling more ill each day. Feel the pain down my throat, the phelgm, chocking me.
Getting more and more tired. The wish to sleep forever has come back again.
Wasting lots of money, which I don't have, on cabs.
Job is uncertain, and unstable in my opinion. Looking for smth, smth i'll be happy with.
Music is unstable too. I am unsure where to start.
Friends are a question mark forever. They won't stay? One day they'll go.
Even a place to sleep and live is a question mark at this moment.
Should I even be living here?
Whatr's the point of it all.
I'm a waste on this earth in my opinion.
Dad resents me, from what i feel from tonite's yelling. His yelling has no more feeling to me. Coz it seems to be my fate, the way things are supposed to be. Im the new outlet of his stress. All I hear these days is his HUGE voice.
I'm unhappy. I'm pretending. I'm smailing at all of you, pretending that I'm living fine.
I contradict myself.
I kid myself.
They'll NEVER accept me.


My kids bring me a certain longing for my innocence again. The days where you can cry and the adults will comfort you, coz you don't know anything. They won't demand things. They won't ask you to PROVE to them that you're worth their love. You don't have to work, just study, colour, and play.
Those days are over.

Even you, don't accept me anymore.
Even you, don't completely accept me.
This world isnt for me.


CARPENTERS-Rainy days and Mondays
Talking to myself and feeling old
Sometimes I'd like to quit
Nothing ever seems to fit
Hangin' around, nothin' to do but frown
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down

What I've got they used to call the blues
Nothing is really wrong
Feeling like I don't belong
Walking around some kind of lonely clown
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down

Funny but it seems I always wind up here with you
It's nice to know somebody loves me
Funny but it seems that it's the only thing to do
To run and find the one who loves me

(*) What I feel is come and gone before
No need to talk it out
We know what it's all about
Hanging around, nothin' to do but frown
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down

Funny but it seems that it's the only thing to do
Run and find the one who loves me

Repeat (*)

Hangin around, nothing to do but frown
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down

Maybe I'm just too sensitive a person, too emotional and feel too much. Not that I want to, but because I was born such, with a very soft heart. Don't say I'm flattering myself, coz it's actually better not to be this way.

I am worried about some things now. Thw ever worrie wart, but here I go. Realli was brooding over these during mass today, with "heart of Worhship' playing at the back... I sang the ad-lips impromptu, to God during the song coz i really needed to get it out of my system. I felt a little better after offering my voice up to HIM.

JOB-I'm definitely not gonna do it for much longer. Ive given it alot alot of thought, and no, in the long run I just don't see myself doing any of this crap anymore. What is worrying me is now, what do i go for??? I wanted to take up something part time..and gig together. but I know i need a stable income, esp to safe guard myself.... from.,..any unforseen things happening. Also, coz I wana STUDY again. It's so upsetting. Im sick of hearing all the stuff from everyone. I'm sick and tired of pleasing, tired of trying to BE the character or whoever people ant me to be...having to answer to everyone, and be criticised, and put down.

FRIENDS- I guess like stef said, frends realli come and go. I think in this area im realli weak now. I cant take another blow of friends leaving me. I understand when life's paths change and we go onto other things.. ive learnt to accept tht, but I can't take another blow of leaving on purpose. Harri's bday, was realli a blow to me. I was actually terribly upset he didnt show up. I am still. Im happy now tht Harri and I and the gang are olrite.. but when i think back on last yr, I fear the same things happening. It's a constant fear... like the more serious wei and i get, the more i fear and think what wud happen if one day smth happens and i lose him? The only love or person outside family tht is stable for me..coz even family isnt gonna be there for you always. and stef agrees. If I cud make a wish and keep it as a prayer, I pray and wish tht Harri, the rest tht remain, me and dear, will stay together for a long long long time..coz i realli love them.

SICK- During mass, the prayer intention for the sick reminded me of dear's dad, and mel's father. What wud happen if they leave this world? Im worried for mel. I'll always be here for her.. but the distance has kept us far apart and ive accepted it. I won't be sending her off.. but I wish her the very best and hope her ride wont be as stormy as Joyce's... Im still wondering whats gonan heppen to joyce......

I told myself I'd never fall off with father and mother over other people, over me.. but it keeps happening. I have decided not to care what they think of me anymore... it's pointless. My current job has made me feel empty, unhappy, unhealthy, sick, and no zest for everything else tht i love anymore--even church. It was onli during "Heart of Worship' today tht I felt tht vigour of faith in me again. Thank you Lord. How apt tht we had tht song.. like for Big Sam, tht song was his melancholic reminder tht he still has God. We also sang " Thy Word" and the lyrics was God telling me tht when everything seems tough, he is with me no matter wad.. i teared....

i hope life desnt get any tougher. I feel tht i can never be rid of problems and obstacles. They just keep getting worse. But I'll keep fighting and complaining.. I must be strong.. if not for myself, for dear...Too bad my limitations are such.. but I believe in myself..tht my dreams will happen... and i have to make them....
Im tired.. im breaking.. but i'll never break too far....to pick up again....
HAH. talking so positively of myself.. why all of a sudden? Do i feel better? During mass, it certainly felt too much for me to take....I know HE never gives us too much to handle at any one time.. but im realli ALWAYS struggling to try keep myself together...

Thanks for listening....

Happy belated Birthday to you, Mel. 21 and big le.
Happy 20th Birthday to you.
Happy Birthday to Harri! One more day to twenty-one, and Im still keeping track hahaha...
Happy 56th Birthday Uncle.
Happy 22nd Birthday Daniel.

and Mum's birthday is coming up....

I wonder how u think of me now. Im just so pissed and upset with you...but do u honestly care? Your actions broke my heart. Don't keep promises, seriously, if u can't keep them. Disappointment to such a degree is onli how much I can take.
Please, if u actually believe tht i hate you, it's ridiculous. Can i bring myself to? What has happened to the boy in you tht I once knew? Has he died and completely changed to someone totally unbecoming?.....sad. I feel like i can never give up hope for you, or in you. Like a sibling,no matter how siblings fight, they still cant bear to be angry for long... and tht kinda love and permanent hope is what I have for you. But u just shatter me more and more. I don't know you anymore. The boy I knew wasn't like this. No, definitely not. I have thought abt all the possible reasons ...and I still think it was no excuse.

photos from last night... two of the nicest tht harri sent me thus far...: ) thx gurl..for everything...

The last post had some wrong info, my bad. =/

A gd night it was! Our gig at Blu Jazz, to me was lovely.
The atmos there is for any romantic, honestly.
The boss makes an effort to make the cafe cosy, but vibrant with colours. Her furniture speaks for themselves, really. haha

We celebrated a couplea birthdays last night! Mainly Harri's 21ST! : ) Daniel's 22nd!, jw's dad's 56th! *wow*, and well, rene's 20th, but well, he wasn't there to celebrate with us, interesting isnt it.

It was a blast! We had a great time super super... =] It was upsetting not to have him ard..everyone waited... and kept calling.. but we didnt wana get everyone too down too.. so we kept the spirits up with cheer, glee, photos, and the gig. I was particularly wanting hari to forget abt tht.. coz she brougth a heavy present for him.

The food was EXCELLENT, the company was comforting, very much, and the birthday people were happy.
I was tired, decided not to head home. But now im home, bright and early in the morning.
Harri and I have decided not to give the presents. I might throw it away.

NO MATTER WAD-- It was a success, no matter... and hurts and disappointments will always be ard...take it and eat it, and throw it out...


" i know why u didnt come.."
" thts no excuse"

im back to sqaure one. why do i keep making the mistake of thinking once i join a band.. i can get going with my stuff?

we're not even confirmed yet... ivan may leave... im still under guest...everything's screwed up and underlying there's lots os uncetainty and confusion.. i feel like shit all over again

I dont need to explain anything.

Im really moody today, and have alot on my mind.

The depression is started to creep utself into me again.

Just a day of MC nearly drove me insane, emotions, feelings, thoughts, undecided decisions all flooding my mind.

I'm suffocating in this pathetic place of an island. No room to grow and be creative, no rooom for other kinds of success, and potential.

I hate the life here. Too hectic, too money orientated.

Terribly upset now, abt the decision im gonna make, coz after tht im not sure what to do.. and i HATE answering to d adults...i realli wana do my own things now.. but in singapore we need the ke ching to survive.

Im onli happy now becoz im earning, and its five days.. but so wad.. it feels like seven days to me... no life to speak off. No REAL timem to focus and pursue what i wana do.. to find the connections to go abt this. But if i stop, tht wud mean, income prob.. even if i find smth simpler...i realli dunnoe.

great.