and she's HAPPY again...

I just trust God. Everything will be alright, in his own time. When I get anxious, i remember how fortunate i am. When i get complacent, I remember I have a purpose. When I get tired, i cry. (heh)

Anyway, I'm REALLY happy today. I felt at peace today, and that is a nice feeling. It is a peacefulness that makes me happy. I started off my day, really being unable to wake up, but I knew i HAD TO, coz I was meeting up with Auntie, Uncle and Harri today : ) It was a special day for me. I miss them, and I don't regret having woken up a few hrs earlier, coz I had such a wonderful time with them. Auntie was looking deinty and pretty as usual. She was wearing a thai designed spgetthi strap blouse, with a really attractive chocker that wrapped around her neck just nicely. She had her simple light make-up on as usual, and she just looked so pretty. Harri had her red checked pants on again, with her punk belt, and looking like how HARRI should look. LOL. Uncle, looked so good with his shirt today (as he hardly wears shirts). He's a bit like Jianwei in the sense that they look suave with their shirts on, but extremely simple with t-shirts on. : ) GETTING ON--haha, Auntie treated me and the rest of her family to nonya food opp. Holy Family Church, at this little joint called Charlie's : ) The food was SUPERB. I wana bring my family and dear there one day to eat. Reasonable prices for delicious food, why not? I truly enjoyed the lunch. We did alot of catching up, and Auntie kept feeding me more. *paiseh*. The chendol there, is mouth watering. *OOO, the gulamalaka...* I thanked Auntie after lunch, and we headed to roxy sqaure for a bit. Auntie bought some stickers, and ened up buying some for me as well. * IVE GOT NEW PEANUTS STICKERS!!!* lol. Gosh, I wanted to pay, but Auntie refused as usual, and said I supported Harri's Music Maxout magazine, so I didn't need to pay. HAHA. Nvm, I have never been able to win Auntie's little "battle" over these matters, no, really.

We proceeded to katong shopping centre to get Auntie and Harri new hair cuts!! Heh, not bad man, their hairdresser! I took the name card..hahahaa. That marked the end of my meetingw ith them today. However, I will be going over to their place this week, coz I LEFT SMTH THERE!! *grr* haha, and gonna get a cd from Harri. :P. As I went off to church, i was very happy. I just enjoyed their company again. Also glad that Harri and I patched things up. As Auntie put it, we're still young, and soemtimes we just see things our way only. It was a misunderstanding. Certain things people do, we don't like, we have to differentiate the action from the person itself. YEap! I think the Musix Maxout mag Harri worked on is good! Wasted that they do not intend to continue the mag in hard copy.

Church was good too. At choir, i enjoyed learning a new song, and being around my lovely choir friends. We celebreated birthdays too. I think what made me happy too, was that my voice is full strength again. I shall take good care of it till xmas!! Too many important things coming up! And for a while today, i felt mature, like it's a feeling I had. I also felt very lucky, coz I had friends around me, who love me, besides my family of coz. Auntie been so nice to me, and stef and temi bought me stuff too. Such sweet love I treasure. I felt good as well being early for choir. My voice was warmed up, and I took care of my sops (in that sense). I treasure all my choir friends, coz ive been with them for so so so long. We sang well today too.

I wished SO MUCH that dear could have been with me the whole day.

I got rather tired by the end of mass, but had to go thru RCIA with family. I still don't liek it to be very honest, but it makes them happy, and the people we play music for, so that makes the tiredness all worthwhile.

Dear called me!!! :) He actually dl the song i sent to him and heard it a few times before going off to camp today. MY poor dear has got a FREAKING long day tmr! Wake 5am, breakfast, drive guards ard, patrolling 24 hrs, driving ferry toner morning and night, ferrying all the guys booking out and all. He's working 5am to 12am ok. YOU TELL ME LOH, sucks k. I pray for dear everyday, that the Lord keeps him safe.

Lord, thank you for answering my prayers. My Job, my part time job that i'm going back to tmr, my family, and everything else. I believe u have everything under control, and that things will be good.

Mum did get a little cranky earlier tonight, but after we got home she was fine. I'm awfully tired tonight actually, so I shall head to bed after ironing. I am gonna make a deal with myself, to try wake earlier from now on. With that, sleep earlier too, coz as boring as days might get, longer days means more things done, and a chance at planning more things too. Of coz, I don't believe I'd be able to get this done soon. But guess with my job at cartel, I can start working smth out. I have to, coz I really wan my six months as trainee teacher to work out.

Hmm, gosh I'm really beat tonight; can't keep the enthusiasmup to write with all the eagerness I felt this afternoon. At that point of the day, I wished I had an internet connection in my phone..heh.

I had a good day. I was really happy. It was a fruitful day, and most of it went well. That's fantastic in my opinion. I start work tmr. Lord, give me the wisdom and maturity, to say the right things, do the right things, and handle things with care and observance. Please let me sleep well tonight, and have a gd day tmr, even if I may be tired out by the end of the day. Lord, please take care of everyone around me, be it my family, jianwei, friends, choir, or even the people around the world, who are suffering. Please heal the sick and poor in health, wealth, spirituality, mind, etc.

Thank you Lord.

and she SINGS again...

My opinion on Stef Sun's new album--It is realli not bad you know!! : ) Interesting funky tracks, smooth ballady tracks, and an irritaing title track. That's realli a thumbs up for me. it's better than my new liang jing ru album. This one is refreshing! Good work stef!

WOOF!

I'm a HAPPY GIRL!! There are MANY MANY PEANUTS images on GOOGLE! Ok, time to give credit, later korkor come and knuckle me! All thanks to KORKOR who taught me how to sve images from goooooogle! I had forgotten google is the BEST place to go online for images!!! WOOF! so tht's it folks! Look forward to TONS OF PEANUTS IMAGES!!!

Fallen
Artist(s) Lauren Wood

I can't believe it,
you're a dream comin' true.
I can't believe how
I have fallen for you.

And I was not looking,
was content to remain.
And it's ironic
to be back in the game.

You are the one
who's led me to the sun.
How could I know
that I was lost without you...

And I want to tell you,
you control my brain..
And you should know
that you are life in my veins.

You are the one
who's led me to the sun.
How could I know that
I was lost without you...

I can't believe it,
you're a dream comin' true.
I can't believe how
I have fallen for you.

And I was not looking,
was content to remain.
And it's eroticto be back in the game.

To my dear Jinawei, u said you liked the bass line of this song, and i remember having it in mymedia player, so here are the lyrics to the song and I'll send you the rest via mail. : ) Baby. just want to dedicate this song to you, because the lyrics are exactly what i feel about you. No matter how much i may doubt at times, no matter how down I am, I love you. I'm sorry sometimes i really don't know what to do, sometimes I'm a blank, and you know sometimes it is a difficult position i am in. All the by rights, and by lefts...but really, not having u around, is like losing control of my brain, and the life in my veins. I love you wei.

A Lover's Concerto
- The Toys

How gentle is the rain
That falls softly on the meadow?
Birds high up in the trees
Serenade the flowers with their melodies

Oh, see there beyond the hill
The bright colors of the rainbow
Some magic from above
Made this day for us just to fall in love

(Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo,
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo)

Now, I belong to you
From this day until forever
Just love me tenderly,
And I'll give to you every part of me

Oh, don't ever make me cry
Through long, lonely nights without love
Be always true to me
Keep this day in your heart eternally

Someday, we shall return
To this place upon the meadow
We'll walk out in the rain,
Hear the birds above singing once again

Oh, you'll hold me in your arms
And say once again you love me
And if your love is true,
Everything will be just as wonderful

You'll hold me in your arms
And say once again you love me

And if your love is true,Everything will be just as wonderful

Justicia posted this on her blog, and I really love this song too. Would like to share it with all of you...

and she dreams again...

Hey all, guess i was really thinking too much into things. I feel real bad, but I don't know why also.

Anyways, I was happy that i could get to see dear tonight, though we were really hard pressed for time.( Sorry baby). If I had more money, I would have stayed out longer with darling and taken cab home (both of us). But we both are tight for cash as well, so no choice.

In the late afternoon,My mood completely changed when I asked mum whether it was ok to come home later, and she actually said YES :) *woohoo* . I did the housework happily. Initially i didn't wana wake up, coz even though i intended to visit the library and go ard doing my own stuff, I really had no motivation to wake up, coz i was so moody. I was just disappointed that my time with dear now is really little these days. It made me more upset as I was in and out of sleep, that it isn't his fault either. We're both like going through this "period" where we're being ruled by others of higher power than us. It just felt awful knowing I was gonna spend the night out alone, EVEN THOUGH I had things to settle.

It was a 360 change, when dear wanted to meet, and mum said yes to being home later. Im happy coz mum trusts me more now. So, guess what? I made it home before 12! hahaa. : ) See, reverse whatever you wana call it. Okok, yes, I was upset having to leave so early. Tonight was no joke ok..we were really rushing around. It isn't a very nice feeling at all. Haiz...BUT WE GOT TO MEET : ) Must remember that. Dear, thanks for keeming Hehee. Well, we'll see how things go, guess we really reap what we sow. I'll stick to this, and I'm sure dad and mum will let loose more.

Dear Lord, thank you for your guidance. Please continue to guide me in all I do and say. Lord, I ask of you kindly, to give dear and i a day to spend with each other soon.; Just a whole day. I really need it. Two days even if possible. PLEASE Lord.

Coz...now..I'm real scared...we're both so tired...tired out.

Hey guys, due to the SURE FACT that i'm broke, and t's a really frightening amount I have left with me, i'm heading back to cartel to work. I know Terry the big boss isn't very happy, but the rest of the people will be fine, i hope. there will be weekends that will clash with my church stuff, and I pray he be nice enough to understand.

KK...i shall get going now...gotta wake early tmr. Metting Harri and family! ^__^
Btw, I bought new CDR's for myself, and Stef Sun's new album! WOHOO. Broke as I am, I am still a Stef Sun fan fan fan hahaha. ANDDD the NEW re-edited version of THE PRAYER, which I recorded with Weiyi some time back, is now with me!!! MSN ME to get it! HEH

and she thinks hard again...

(Drowning in te praises of the Lord, worship songs..and loving it, being soothed by it)

I don't understand--Something doesn't feel right- I thought about it for a while late this afternoon, and shurgged it off with some reassurance from him. But now, it's starting to get to me. I hope it's me being overly sensitive. Am I overly sensitive? I pray not. Whatever it is, maybe I should lay low for a while. I am quite confused, and am not sure if what I'm feeling is right. But I'll just contnue my mundane life for now, and see whether it may be me. if anything is wearing out, I am rather afraid. It doesn't seem to be--seriously--but why do i feel it? A silent msg to me, that I'm not really needed nemore....AIYAH!! mel, stop thinking so much la. HAIZ. *slaps meself* What la, what maybe i'm not being understood or being trusted, shall just DUMP it one side la......u think i can? Who am i kidding here.......haiz.

Tonight, i'm a little edgy. Heart feels a little heavy too..and all i can do is listen to God's music and calm myself down.

Got nagged abt staying home and wasting electricity, sleeping in half the day. Getting pre-assumed that I dont wana find a job all. HELLO, if there''s anyone who wants to work here IS ME LOH. Wana go out tmr, but there's no one to go out with. I wana walk ard town, but I have no money to shop also. Shit. Would very much like to get a cd or two, and a new top for the xmas events coming up, but looks like I've gotta wait to get some earned money first.

I'm waiting for primary school books from various sources--hopefully i'll get some. I really need to prep myself, and I know that also mean sleeping early. I will try to do that soon. I'm trying to get myself to read more too, which is proving to be a very difficult thing. As you all know, it has never quite been my habit.

Wana work, yet don't wana work (now and jan onwards). The irony of it all.

I keep having fluctuating feelings about home and him. When times are bad on my side, I wish i could run to him and run away from it all. But when he upsets me, i get pissed and wonder why im wasting my time. But it's all not as simple as it is. Feelings are involved on both sides. There's nothing wrong with us now, but I'm sensing that he isn't so sure, MAYBE?? Hmm..I treasure what I have now, be it on my side or his, but nights like these, when I am a little edgy, even the little naggings got to me. Just czuase I'm not going out with him tmr in the day, I have to finish up housework again. I wake everyday to these. But Auntie told me these are nothing--why am I no sleeping well, she asks as well?--When I start working, these will be worse, much worse. I know that Only too well. Nick was just sharing with me the things he has to put up with even though he is only freelancing. The worlds sucks.

I couldn't say it more--the world sucks. Life sucks. Life is feeling meaningless for me at the moment. Won't Christmas come sooner.

Dear Lord, Please guide your child, my many thoughts and feelings. Guide me onto the right path, carry me. I need you, in your own quiet way Lord. Please give me something to keep me busy. Help me understand things, and not just think in my own little box. Lord, give me the wisdom and the maturity to handle things I find too hard to. Lord, give me the serenity, to accpet thet hings I can't change, the courage to change what i can, and the wisdom to understand.

I love you all.

and she *feels* again... : )

Listening to Clay Aiken's christmas album and all my other christmas songs, while sewing up my little baggie that i bought last time from my previous job. It's dragged two months, and I finally got it sewed!! OHH so cute! HEHEE ; ) Well, more importantly, as I sewed and listened to my christmas songs, I couldn't help but feel the wonderful feeling of Christmas approaching us nearer and nearer. My favourite season of the year is here again! Albeit that at the moment, I am so broke I can't buy anyone anything, but I love the season. It's filled with joy, and a mysterious good feeling that's always present in d air. Just listening to the Christmas songs are making me feel this way. It made me think alot too, about what i have done this past whole year, since last Christmas. I think alot has happened to me. I was still going for singing classses at E-mage, and I clearly remember Dennis lao shi saying that we'd be having a party at E-mage itself, but, I couldn't go as we had all the Christmas preparations going on again. Choir party, choir pracs, and all the gift wrapping etc. I remember too, that I was newly attached, not too long before Xmas. Dear actually went to church with Edwin, just so that I would be happy. I fondly remember one of our many first sweet memories we had in church itself. It was also SPECIAL, coz it was the FIRST time our church was fully lit and decorated with Christmas lights!! ^___^. What would it be like this year??? : ) I'm eager, so very eager!

I'm praying I get a temp job soon, and something I'd like. Also, something I'd be able to earn some fast, coz i'm so horribly broke. I can't survive a hundred odd till december??! No way! I still gotta go shopping man! I gotta prepare for my new journey starting january! I know I'm really lagging with mum and dad now, but I hope the season of Christmas will mark a change for all of us, and that I will, in thier eyes, be grown up by December. Haha, who am i kidding? It may not be completely possible, but it's worth a try!~ I'm also really happy. I have never shared my favourite season with a special someone twice in a row :) I really hope dear and I will have a wonderful Christmas, somehow.

It is also that time of the year, where forgiveness is begged and given, where everyone forgets the past, and makes up with friends again. It is the only season where cookies work just by offering, and people love each other again. : )

Is it just me? Is this my fantasy dreams again, or this is Christmas? I believe it is, for every year, I feel this good during Christmas. I pray and wish this year, be no less different.

Merry Christmas very soon everyone :) Two months in advance. Now, tell me no one else can be this optimistic about Christmas!!

*love mel*

and she's INQUISITIVE again

HEY PPLE!

I need primary school text books and work books. Pri 1-4, English and Mandarin, top priority, then Math and Science. Please let me know if you have any. THANKS LOADS.

and she's confused again...

I"ve been quite lucky this week.
I was allowed out on Tues night for the gig; but because dear was out tht nite, the gig suddenly meant nothing to me. It was the one event I had been awaiting for weeks, and then the enthusiasm to see it all vanished within a second after reading dear's msg : " Dear, I managed to book out tonight. Have fun at the gig! Miss you...". I replied, " Dear, you're out tonight??! Are you home now??! I would love to see you!". Replied dear " I would love to see you too dear". And hence, with that, I typed a reply with my mighty fingers and told him "Dear, the gig means nothing. I'm coming over to see you."

...So I lied to dad and mum and even nick about going for the gig. I don't lie to dad and mum about anything now. But it was a small lie that ddin't cause harm. I had not seen him for an entire weeko and more. There were days it seemed like nothing. There were nights my heart suddenly felt lonely. There were days I was so happy being home, and having nick's company. Now it's more balanced I guess. Ttonight, approximately just an hour ago, I was feeling fine and happy. Now, I'm suddenly a tad upset. Don't get me wrong. I just saw dear again tonight. This being that dad and mum allowed me to see him once this week, ( a whole weekday) coz I hadn't seen him at all (supposedly) since the previous sunday. I was also suppose to attend cantor meeting earlier tonight, but the flu that has been plaguing me hasn't gone off. My voice is only half strength now, and it is incredibly worrying. (Seeing that I am involved in caroling practices soon, and Christmas peagent and all)

So, I decided not to attend the cantor meeting earlier this evening after much deliberation. Making the right choices aren't easy for me these days. I sat down, and thought long and hard about it; coz earlier this morning, I was just told that i wouldn't be singing on 6th Nov anymore. My cantor slot had been shifted to end of Nov. This also meant that it wasn't entirely necessary for me to have been present tonight, even though they needed my help with the vocal training. I decided not to go. It might end up wasting my time again, like it did previously, and it also meant that I may not get to meet up with dear again, in a long time. ( I never know these days, with dear's schedules being terribly unpredictable). I rationalised knowing that it was more necessary for me to attend the next cantor meeting two weeks from now, closer to my actual cantor date.

So, I met up with dear today, and we had quite an interesting time over a meeting with some weird guy who wanted to form a band, and dinner at parkway. This deicion was extremely last minute, and I didn't know about it till I had reached dear's bus stop. I could only come to the conclusion that dear was in too much of a rush to have msg me and told me any earlier. He did say the guy called him at 4pm. I was a little puzzled as to why he didn't tell me about it till I msg and said I was on my way. * pauses and frowns upon it for a while*. I decided to brush it aside. Small matter.

We made our way home on the various buses, braving the thunderstorm that came down on us so suddenly after dinner time. I made my way home early, and that was a gd thing. I'm glad I listened to dear and didn't go home any later. I think dad and mum were pleased to some extent.

Small matter until...

I don't know, it's not an issue, but I'm a little puzzled. Just before dear went off to sleep earlier, he said to me " Dear, I know I have not been giving you enough attention" . I found that really funny. To me, I hadn't even noticed. It isn't his fault that his schedules suck now, and so are my limits on going out now. He went offline with the usual loving I Love You words. It's sweet he always says this to me, with an extra "dear, drink water" and then he goes off. But suddenly, I start to wonder why he made such a comment. I'm rather puzzled. I don't want to be the girl who thinks so much into just a comment he made. I probably won't bother about it tomorrow, but I'm just quite puzzled. Why did he say that?

I feel lonely again. He's gone off to sleep.

Deep down, I wish i had the whole night with him. We had to rush ard and before I knew it, it was time to head home. During the time I stayed out, we would have braved the rain, headed home together, warmed up and slept in each other's arms tonight.

I'm not complaining, being back in my room, having my dad and mum fetch me from the bus stop in the rain. I thought of them, and they actually thought of me too! I was really touched by that. : )

Something tells me, dear needs more time to himself. He said tonight that he is trying to spilt his time. I really don't want to be the girlfriend who takes up all his time. BUT I already am giving him more time, since I can't see him much anymore. I DON'T KNOW. i shall leave it to him to decide.

Maybe I should sleep now.

im fascinated! i'm excited!! ABOUT~~~ the new MRT LINE!!!!

: Okie :

Hey guys, At the end of the day I would say, today was pretty alright. Initially, it didn't start off too well, with mum fussing and being paranoid over all the housework again, picking on me for everything. The way she can go on and on about things, is really quite untolerable. Sometimes it can get really bad. But, somehow mum was in a good mood today, like yesterday where she was edgy from the very beginning I spoke to her. She was in a good mood, and though she was talking about nothing but housework throughout branch, and repeating herself at that, she didn't say stuff like " Even though you're quarelling with me, but putting it in a very nice way.." I was pretty happy. Mum and i actually had some laughs today.

I decided to mop the floor and do stuff today anyway, though i really didnt' sleep well the past few nights. I have been having nightmares, and mum was saying i shld hav nothing to worry abt what. I guess we all have our own worries.

Mum did cook a really delicious dinner today. My fav Char Siew and Dao Miao. hahahaa

Overall, plesant though tiring today, but I think I shan't say much more, coz I'm really sleepy. Tata

i hate it when my comp screws up on me.; wait. ALL comps, for that matter. *mutter*

Today was a mixture of sadness, disappointment, anger, frustration, sweetness, love, longing, desperation, eagerness, excitement, happiness, calmness, impatience, satisfaction, dissatisfaction, wishes, and more

That's the day. Replaced with adjectives, to save your eyes from all the details.

Thank you for viewing.

More Pictures maybe soon

*~I love you dear~*

at 2.25am
I wish we'll have more time together...I miss u again,it's one of those nights where I wish I could be sleeping in your arms again..why is it all so difficult.
Will we make it?

you've gone to sleep, and I find myself awake again, not wanting to sleep, like as if waiting for you to come here and talk to me again. Why? Why do I have to go through all these anxieties, all these trials, all these tests. I hate it when i have to worry what time I have to be home again...

Things are so hard to bear with. Some days I'm super happy like yesterday..and some days, just to be able to be out and relax, I have to get thru things tht need to be done at home...I'm sorry, everyone..just vxed again...

I may be worried about my new career that awaits me in January, but I'm really looking forward to it, with excitement and awe and a whole lot of eagerness. I'm also looking forward to beng in NIE, and possibly getting a hostel. Yea.

I think we look so cool. hahaha

and she dreams again...

HASHAHAH! Today was fun!! I had a gd day, though pretty tired out. I met my enighbour su mei, at orchard,coz she kindly agreed to bring me to addeco to apply for a part time job. She has a friend there who gave her her present robinsons part time job. She was really sweetcoz she accompanied me to raffles for the interview at robinsons. i think i didnt get it They haven't called me and it's been the whole day. Nvm, i might go back to cartel. Neways, I brougth her to starbucks for blended chocolate, coz she was so kind and I was late 9as usual) HAHA. We walked ard city link (which was nice), afterwhich she headed home. I went to plaza sing and did some personal shopping for beaty and health stuff. I also went to 77th st and got a new black bracelet. HEH. yes, I am broke, but I love getting stuff. It was VERY good to be out shopping today. I don't know how to describe that free feeling. I bumped into SHA at the bus stop outside PS after that, and headed to parkmall to meet the rest of my choir peeeps. Only 13 of us turned up. The other6 couldn't. We took publicity shots for the caroling performances we'll be having at the legends itself in december. : ) I'm VERY EXCITED abt it. Four different performances :P It's gonna be a blast I'm sure. I just really need this flu to go off, take care of my voice and hopefully practices won't be a problem for me. None the less, people, support me when the time comes ok??! =) We had dinner at the chinese restaurant there, coz oen of my choir friend's mom is the manager there. Super shiok man!!!!

Gosh, I'm kinda feverish now. Gonna koon. byby!!!

and she dreams again...

Yea..I DREAM AGAIN....Sheesh, im feeling a tad down..coz this has been the longest ive been away from dear, for a long time. The army sux..and my "army" here sux too. Ive been ok, but tonight, feeling a tad down, that our timing is just so bad these days....I miss him alot. I keep remembering things, like how I would cuddle up with him, or just stare lovingly at each other and give a little smooch or two...i just miss him. Sorri if I just grossed u guys out.....

However tonight was gd, i was pretty happy in the sense that I did good things today, for the benefit of others, more than for myself. I attended 630pm mass for teressa, so that i could listen to her cantoring. It was my obligation because i was free today, and she is my soprano and my junior cantor, and my friend most of all. So, I'm glad I was there. I also helped the youth choir for youth mass today...I actually tot of not attending coz I wanted to meet dear, but responsiblity called louder, and I knew it wasn't right to back out suddenly..so i helped them out. It was not as fantastic as the previous masses I attended the last few momths, but it sure was smth spiritually enriching.

Some of us headed for supper at sempang after tht, but I got hme before curfew time. Geesh i miss dear. What else can i say. Will Tuesday come...FASTER?

Lord...I know I did al the right things today, and I hope you saw it...I think dad and mum were pleased that I did alot of housework today...I hope they'll let loose soon.....coz I dont' wana be in this situation for too long....

fr luke commented that i am so "on" coz I attended two masses back to back today, and I'm attending choir and mass tomorrow, coz that is the ministry I serve in. And due to my responsilibities again, i cannot miss it. I would also disppoint nick and dad and mum. HAIZ. I need a break so bad actually. I'm really tired.

and she dreams again...

FoR SOmE Odd rEaSoN, I FeEl hApPy tODaY. ThIS AiNt gD MaN, CoZ I KeEp fEeLiNg HiGh & lOw...lIkE I DoNt kNoW WhY BuT I FeEl hApPy dPiNg cHoReS At hOmE ToDaY EvEn tHoUgH Im suPpOsE To sEe bAbY ToDaY. SoMeThInG MuSt bE So scReW LosE TOdAy hAhaHahA~~ I FeE; aT PeAcE Jut gOiNg AbT sTuFf w nO OnE At hOmE...Or mAyBe tHtHs wHy...oR MJaYbE CoZ Im gOiNG FOR MaSsEs lAtEr...BeAtS ThE CrAp oUtTa mE...All i kNoW Is I fEeL AN AwKwArD Kind Of pEaCe tOdAY!

DeAr i mIsS U....

and she's HAPPY again!!

THANK YOU LORD!!!---I have been accepted into NIE. : )

THANK YOU LORD-- Dad and Mum allow me to see wei next week during one of the weekdays, because I can't see him this weekend.

Please lord, With your grace, your guidance and intercession, things can only get better I PRAY.

Now I nee a prt time job. : )

TIME FOR PEANUTS

(Mine and dear's fav comic)

haha, i have alot more..

: )

Dear, happy belated anniversary.

My dear..now, =)












Dear, In June...







Dear...Before June...












Dear...first half of the yr......=)


















Dear...early part of the year... :p














On Our very first......date =)

This is as close as it gets to the boy I fell for...It was all fluffy heh...I think everyone knowws the feeling of a new romance...

Now, it's like wine..familiar, old, but better than ever...

and she dreams again...

I'll always get scolded for the slightest thing. I am learning to seperate the emotional issues attached to it.

and she 's HAPPY again!

I think I was saying today I'm much happier! I kept myself busy online, as U can see I added lots of stuff to my blog, and I played ard with new plaers...haha...later I hsall play online games HOHO...-xiao le-. I went to the petrol station near my place a min ago! I bought white bread, two cans of tuna, three boxes of instant campbell soup, instant noodles, and a packet of snoopy chips for ...*shh* dear! hahahaa....shall go makan now! Watch this space! More coming tonight!! :) wohoo!

This was me when I was 18....


















This was me sometime last yr when I was 19...













This was me end of last yr...












This was me..early this year...
















This was me first half of the yr....












This was me...somewhere in between...




















This was me middle of the yr....












This was me a few months ago... already 20...








This was me also abt a few months ago..














This is me now....










What a zi lian kuang project hahaha... haiz..just interesting, how i changed hairstyles and kept gaining and losing weight...

heh...next, my dear....

and she's worried

Nick's tension headaches aren't going off.
He went to see the neurologist earlier and puked all the way there and back. God, why? It isn't his fault that our family has so many problems. Why let him get these headaches to suffer? It ain't fair--yet again.

Lord, I wish you hear my plee. help us. None of us in the family are very healthy AT THIS PRESENT moment. Mum is down for long term, dad will lose it anytime, nick has these headaches and Im permanently infected with flu.

------------------------------------

On a LiGhTeR nOtE,

WAHH, Im having fun with rhapsody and real player!!!!

LOOK AT MY NEW LINKS--blog revamped. NEW LINKS. Hav fun k! The links are ENTERTAINING!

and she dreams again...

Hey all...I'm alone at home today. Woke up to find Mum and Nick heading to the neurologist coz of nick's headaches. So, I'm just going abt doing all the basic daily chores..but still not energy to mop or whatever. Coz the flu is seriously gettting worse. Phelgm thick and green, chocking me when i sleep, and coughing my lungs out most of the time. I spend a gd lot of time in my lovely toilet now. yah, not that i love my toilet so much. But I "clear my system" when I wake and I'm not even talking abt washing up here man. That already takes a gd 20 mins. I'm usually stuck there for 45 mins. This happens every morning and every night. Hahahaha, doesn't include bath time man. DARN.

I think I'm gonna go breathe some fresh air and take a walk to the caltex station later. Alone at home, all alone at home..........

*DEEP BREATH*

Ok. I've calmed down. I'm feeling numb now.
Dinner, thank God, dinner was delicious. I stayed very quiet though, coz I was just way too upset with dad and mum. However, i made sure I was careful not to show displeasure or I'd probably get reprimanded for being so ungrateful, showing disrespect, and shwoing a black face like the whole world just fell apart.

But I'm truly, very sad. Anyone care to notice? Dad, Mu, Nick, I'm very sad. I'm sad our famiyl is like this. Dad, I'm sad you can't handle work coz work is a bitch. Then you come hjome and vent it out on us. I'm sad mum is sick. However, she took to me much better after dinner. She talked to me like she was never upset with me. I DONT KNOW WHY. ??!!??!! :=.. So, taht was a relief.

But I feel like a prisoner here. I felt honestly, like a step daughter today. They just keep doing these things wrongly.

Dad just asked me to take cough mixture. He yells in the day, and now, after asking me to do all the chores, he tones down.



=(



: (

I WANT TO KILL MYSELF.

Im not FUCKING seeking attention. So shut up before u decide to tag any rubbish.

...*crying*. I just emailed some of you, I just got some advice from ana, i was JUST feeling that i could handle all this. But TODAY. TODAY RIGHT NOW, I really am at my wits end again.

*looks at my phone* I DONT KNOW WHO TO CALL.
*crying still*. It was all suppose to work out. I was suppose to go for youth mass choir prac today. I was looking forward to it. REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO IT. I wanted to meet dear too, because of our huge tiff. I left a note for dad this morning, to let him know abt it. I asked him if he's buying dinner home today. .....I couldnt find the note anywhere when i came out to eat. I msg him, asked him, he asked me how i was onvolved with the choir. I answered.

HE'S NOT TALKING TO MUM. is tht my fault?????! I wake up and find MORE NOTES from mum, written in blue and red, do this, do that, when you do this, it must be done like this and like tht..please acknowledge with noted or done....*bursting*. Im getting this EVERYDAY. She's fucking obsessed OBSESSED WITH ME.. I notice I do the things she WANTS DONE , and she starts finding MORE MORE MORE things to fault me with. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

The freaking toilet must look freaking spotless, like NO ONE USES IT. Nvm, *breathe* nvm, i tell myself, mum doesn't mean to be like tht, so be it. nvm. I eat branch, and go abt doing basic chores at home. clean this, clear tht, make this, do tht. JUST so tht she's be happy. I'm still sick, so I dont do the heavy duty chores. BUT WEHAT DO I GET FROM MY FATHER???
Since I moved home, EVERY FUCKING DAY, HE MSGS ME AND ASKS " HAVE U MOPPED THE FLOOR TODAY???????" It's nothing wrong u know frankly, not when, i say im sick the first two days, and he gives me the response tht he doesnt believe me. Then TODAY, just one odd hr before i am all relieved and excited to go out, take a breather, he msgs me " have u mopped the floor alreadi?" WHAT? I reply him this " Nope, I'm not well enough yet to physically strain myself." I knew I KNEW WHAT I WAS GONNA GET. Reply " but you're well enuff to go out tonite? I want you to stay home. Don't want you to get worse." *screaming inside me*. FINE. fine. FINE. I'm disappointed, I seriosuly need to take a breather outside this house, but FINE. nvm.

I go abt turning off my lights, turning on my media player, and just want to lie down and sleep it all off. MUM. WHAT DOES MUM DO. More notes for me. She makes a drink for me, I'm too full, i keep it in the fridge in case she scolds me. BUT STILL SHE SCOLDS ME. She says i could have drunk it then. I explain to her, that look mum, I will drink it later, I kept it so u wont scold. BUT I STILL GET SCOLDED, COZ I MUST MUST MUSTTTTT drink it THERE AND THEN. She's cleaning the toilet attached to my room. it's bad enuff she insists that I MUST answer her freaking question in the paper. I didnt hear the doorbell, we got a registered post. My doorbell thing was off in my room. I GET SCOLDED. MY FAULT. OKKK..ok NVM, NVM.
what else then? I WANT TO SLEEP NOW. she scold me, SCOLDS ME THT MY MUSIC IS TOO LOUD. MUST, must i MUST I turn the music on so loud?

I lose all sense of logic. I just can't take it. My father is obsessed with my mum and hence obsesses over what i MUST DO AKA FREAKING MOP THE BLARDY FLOOR, so tht it's done. My MUM obsesses over me. Scrutinises my EVERY MOVE, I can't even make ONE TINY ERROR. Or i'd get screamed at. NICK-- he's so tired, having such a headahce, i'm crying, so frustrated, and he tells me to shut up.

SOMEONE, WON'T SOMEONE LISTEN ME OUT?????????? Can I NOT GO INSANE???????????!

*deep breaths*. I don't know how long more I can take this. no one here really truly cares. Sure they care, sure they love me. So i must do everything rght. But f you if you're crying. F u if u need some breating space. i dont' care.

IT'S NOT like i dont understand dad is vexed up, mum is sick, but I have a tolerance level too...I realli, realli


realli

needed that time out tonite. All I was asking for, was a few hours.


























why.

and shePRAYS again...

Everyday, there's a new "old" story here to read eh? =) HAHA.

I think I'm very fortunate, to have friends who I hardly see, but give me moral support thru thier personal msgs and emails. Thanks loads.

Everything is slowly SLOWLY getting on track again. Wei and I have sorted out our problems, and I think it's all gonna be much better from now on.

I pray, for wisdom, for maturity in thoughts, for a truly sincere and big heart for others other than myself, for the ability to understand others other than myself and my friends, and i pray most of all, to be of the mind of the age i ought to be. To start thinking like an adult. That is what I really need now.

I ask all this thru him. amen.

Thank you Lord. Harri and I just patched things up, after so long.

Ana was right.

and she dreams again...

I received an email from ana dear today. Haha, she scolded me about things the way Nick does. Talk about older siblings man.

I know there are some poeple reading my blog and I am not too aware who u all are. But i write anyway, yes? I'm sure you've all noticed.

There are things that I understand, that i have to do, that I ought to do, not so much as a sacrifice, but coz of filial piety. There are things I understand like I shouldn't be selfish, and I remember reasons why I've been restricted to do this and tht, but I can't hold to these "right" ways well at all. I'm not strong, I lack faith, even though it is there, and yes, i go to church, I try to talk it out with God but Ithink he has his reasons for not pushing things any faster. I don't want to be hypocritical, and sure as hell, would want to be a good person in everyone's eyes.

But when you're in the situation itself, I can't emphasize more, how difficult it is to face the situations and deal with them. I promise, I am trying I really am. But I dont' want to have to say so much in detail about what happened at home, like when i woke, or what was said, these sorta things...

I appreciate everyone's effort in advicing, and helping and continue to welcome it, coz I can't do it all by myself. I know u all love me, that's why you read, that's why u write to me, that's why u counsel. I am trying. Some advice I've heard from many people and obviosuly there's truth in it. So, i take it up and I do it, even if I;m not happy. Coz, I know that's the right thing to do. So, now I'm careful with what I do. As long as they are happy, that's impt.

I just hope I can hold on longer. Everything is still messed up. Words and paragraphs aren't gonna be able to describe many things. It'll just come out wrong, coz In the first place, I'm really bad with phrasing, and the state of mind doesn't help. I'm not really thinking when I type right now.

But I'll try, to keep the faith.

Please don't be hard on me. Just pray for me. I will try my best too.



sigh

Sleep is what i dont think I'll get tonight.

and can i really blame him...

What should i do.

Her name are his many passwords. It used to be his comp's password too. He had her in his mind 9/10 mths he was with me.

He lied to me when he met her. We fought abt tht.

He wanted to spend vday with her. I found out abt that.

He always tries to ask her out. I knew abt that.

Her name is in his blog.

Her msgs used to be in his phone.

He still loved her in september.

WHere DID i FUCKING STAND THEN.

But he never treated me badly.

He was always there for me, though he was not quite enthusiastic abt our anniversaries till this month.

I believe him when he says I Love You to me. But he wrote tht to her as well.

I'm really bursting. What am i going to do.

i should believe him, that he is over her. I was over weiyi in July.

But never did I cheat on him. I told him when I went out with weiyi.

He wasn't comfortable with me being close to renren, so we backed off, and became purely good friends.

I made a decision that I wanted to be with him and only him and people around us respected the fact that we were a couple. Even our friends did.

I am good with his family. I spend time with them. He cooks for me. He pays for things at times. We rest in each other's arms, and I feel it couldm not feel any better.

He never complained when I caused him lack of sleep.

But when things got too much, sometimes he just let me be. Afew times I stood at his swimming pool below and thought of drowning myself. He was asleep. Who can i blame. I asked to be alone.

Today, I didn't wana wake, and I really fee;l like taking an overdose of something. Where are we gonna go from here? How can i be sure?

The problems at home are endless. Nonsense and more nonsense. I really don't wana wake tmr.

He said recently Please don't go, I love you, when i was vexed up with everything.

I wonder whether he really will pull thru things with me. Well, he did say he will.

What if she comes back one day, and decides to give it a try. WHat then. I know for a fact, weiyi belongs to stef, and that we'll always be good friends. I won't go that way.

But will he? After all, he loves her so much. Their names look so similar too.

Where do I stand then?

In my family, where do i stand as well? The person who just has to obey, and not really given a position to say anything. I get picked on for everything.

Guess He said he's the loser, and a jinx to people. Maybe I am too, to everyone. I gbring nothing but unhappiness at home. Unhappiness to him as well, even if he insists not.

Dear, where do we go from here? So you just gonna blame yrself, and make me feel, or loook bad abt this whole thing? Happy Anniversary then. I feel you're really not trying hard enough tonight. What if it were her?

I'm screaming. Can anyone hear me.
yet i understand how he feels. Ive been thru that stage of being in not just a triangle but a square before. However, I sorted tht out. And now, I just wana give us my all. You?

and she's REALLY LOST again...

I didn't want to wake up today. Too many problems to handle. Now, dad and mum just have all the preconceived ideas of me. The minute they open thier mouths to talk to me, it's always unfriendly and unwelcoming. Mum came home early this morning, after dad left for work. Nick is still having bad tension headaches. I am nursing a bad flu again, alongside my period, an ulcer, and swollen glands.

I postponed the montesorri second interview AGAIN. This time to Wednesday. They aren't very happy, but they still seem very keen on me. Bad thing is, I'll be signing with them for three years. One yr work and study, second and third yr, serve bond. Pay isn't high, and benefits aren't much actually. The other montesorri I was keen on already got somebody. Dope. I called MOE and they will take another week or so to get back to me. If the anser is NO, it's fine, but what if it is a yes? What am i to do?

Today's our 10 mths anniversary. Probably the saddest i've ever had. He only just called me, after the entire day. I just don't know what to do? It was wrong of me to look at his stuff, but This is truly how he feels deep down. If he still loves her, why then does he treat me so well? He's not perfect, but good enuff for me. I've fallen for him, and have forgotten everyone else I used to hold a candle for. I don't even know what to say to him. We've had our own displeasure with each other, but MOST times, it's always because of her. ALWAYS. V-day issue, dinner issue, meeting up with her and lying to me, now, writing to her, preparing poems for her, always asking her if she's free. I don't know what to believe anymore. I want to believe it ain't true. But who am i kidding. I'm not her. I'm not all the things that she is. I'm not the girl he admires. Who am i then? A fill in? I don't want to believe so. Yet, I couldn't bear to fall out with him ob his birthday when i found out. Then I found out yesterday. I can't stop him if he really loves her more than me. I can't do anything to be her. I'm sorry the way I am.

if you were me, would you want to wake up this morning? I wouldn't.

and she HURTS again...

A DAY BEFORE MY ANNIVERSARY , AND I FIND OUT HE STILL LOVES HER. WHAT AM I TO SAY? DO? BELIEVE? IT HURTS SO BAD, BUT SHOULD I BELIEVE IT? I KEEP THINKING BACK ON EVERYTHING AND I FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE IM STILL NUMBER TWO. I thought I just wrote a post yesterday, saying I believed him that he loves me, and ONLY ME. But I can't talk to anyone. At home things are so hard. Mum has gone out. We do not know where she is now. Dad scolded me after dinner, coz mum was angry with me, so he got angry, so there I am, sitting down, keeping my mouth shut, and he scolds me. I know if I just as piss mum off ONE more time, I'm outta the house again. Then, EEVRYONE is just gonna blame me. It's no point me tryingt to get anyone to understand me. No one in this family has time for me. (save for nick, and evn he is too tired.) Am i not tired.

Great...what A NICE DAY.

and she LOVES again...

It's been a week sinc e I've come home. The adjustment is better now, but things at home are still vewry tough. Not a day goes by without some sort of fight. However, it is a little strange. This week has seemed very long, and also very fast. So, I can't quite decide if it is a gd sign or not. A week back home already. This week has seen me thru hard times already. This week has seen me thru happy times too. This week was long and fast. Strange to me indeed.

But seeing dear today really helped again. I was away from stress, and was really happy. Dear and I celebrate our ten months anniv this monday. I just wana dedicate a short part of this entry to him. Dear, you and I have come a long and if we think back, really not easy way. Yet, despite all the obstacles and challenges we've faced and still are facing and have yet to face, I'm really happy with you. I understand now, that we are both together and you're willing to go thru it all with me, however long it takes. i love you dear. I trust you and I believe in us. I said to you today, that when u said I love you to me today, I replied saying i believe you. It's true. I believe you completely now. Happy Anniversary in advance dear. Thank you for your love, your patience in me and us, and thank you for your dedication. I love you too.

and she's somewhat happy today...

Mum still refuses to wake today. Apparently still angry, and locking herself up.

But somehow im happy today. Maybe coz I gotta see wei yesterday, so now the longing for his company is a whole lot easier to bear. If not, five days is pretty long. Also, I had quite alot of things to do today, for myself and for the choir.

I think I'm also happier, coz somehow, weirdly, Im home. That feeling seems to be sinking in again. I didn't realise it till tonight, that I'm happy also because of this. It's a nice feeling. I just hope I can see dear at least three times a week. I'll do it if i have to lie.

Dear sent me some photos of us and all. So happy. =) KK..gtg..tmr need ta wake early.

and she's happy tonight...

Wah!! =)

Finally, I got out of the house today! yay~ I met ashley at my bus stop, to head down to church for cantor meeting. We went to bedok, and had a light snack (chee kui and longan). It was delicious. We got dave something to munch.

We headed down to church, and I left as soon as I had finished my psalm, and the stupid english speaking class. grr, still dont get it. Why are the cantors doing the prayers of the faithful?! Nvms.

I was so happy, it was still quite early! I ran off to meet dear at home, and he gave me our anniv present! so suprised! Thanks loads dear!!! *HUGGGS* His mum, or mummy, went shopping at a sale, and got me a nice jacket ^__^ . Hee, i also asked dear to lend me our fav il'mare vcd and another dvd cd...this should keep me occupied tmr and fri! I can get downt o sewing d baggie i bought tht time too! HEeh. AH, one more thing! My psalm is SUPER tough. Gotta practiseeeeeeee

Okies, shall pen off here. *bliss* Tonight, REALLY helped us. If I didn't get to see him earlier tonight, it would have been so much harder to wait till sat... Thank you Lord

and she rants again.

[BEFORE I CONTINUE, I REALLY WOULD KINDLY LIKE TO ASK THE UNWATED TAGGER TO PLEASE GO ELSEWHERE. I know, these days, blogs are public, and though bloggers like myself write personal thoughts here, I have indeed no right to say get lost, BUT if you choose to come here, and u choose to read, dont blame me for making you so irritated. Just like you have free will to read and dirty my tagboard, I too have the right to write whatever I want. SO, If you don't like it, then bugger off. Thank you.]

-things-

havent been going well at all. Bawling it out alot lately, and there have been exchange of words, whether it was meant to be said or not, at home just today. I can't keep to it. It's so hard. Coz mum got so upset wirth what i asked on sun, she has been pissed abt it till today, and even though i tried my best not to make matters worse, a simple little thing like i didnt cover my bed made her say stuff like i havent changed. Despite knowing tht I should take her words with alot of bo-chapness, I couldnt not feel hurt, since I heard the things she said. Dad got mad, nick got mad. things got quite unplesant after. I was vexed up. Very vexed up. But after talking to stef, I managed to get my senses back, and calm down. I shall pick myself up, and start all over again tmr. I just hope I don't lose my sanity. Coz I know the factors that can cause me to go idle-minded.

Neways, i have got my room fully bACK in it's due "shape". It looks nicely decored again. Decided to get down to doing it, since I needed to occupy myself, and think things thru.

Oh yes, today, went for another interview in frankel avenue...Just hoping for the best. I had lunch with Steffie at Gelare, and it was a sweetly plesant lunch. After the interview, I headed back to Auntie's place, to collect some stuff I left behind. I had the longest ever chat I have ever had with Uncle. It was nice. We talked like adults. I didnt get a chance to see Auntie though, but she and I made a deal to keep in touch. I would def go ack to visit her and Uncle. They are really lovely people.

k better go. nites.

and only God can help us...

Being home the last few days, many things have happened to me. I cried day and night, fearful of many things. I asked God to help. Many things I didn't understand. Many things about staying at her place, I still miss. I'm still very disorientated, but I'm starting to adapt back, though i seriously dont know how i'm gonna manage. I feel very far from dear now.

Nick didnt have to work today, and it was alot easier to bear the loneliness with him ard. Of coz, he still doesnt fill the feeling of having dear ard. But I have to learn to be stronger, if this is gonna be long term. Anyway, i made a few calls and going for interview tmr.

I felt quite alright today, but at times I felt down. i think what made me really sad was observing my dad when he got home today. This is what made me sad.

.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
steffie
+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
yeah?
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
today, i psychoed my self when i woke up...
+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
about?
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
i remembered everything everyone said, so I felt better...
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
but now, im feeling sad again
+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
why.....?
+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
you just couldnt accept it?
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
at first i just felt a little weird still, coz im still not used to being back home...tht was this afternoon..and wei msg me said he was on his way home..so i felt..pretty wasted. but when dad got home, and we ate dinner
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
then i observed him and certain things he said to me
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
then i felt awfully low
+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
what he sid?
+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
said*
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
kk i explain k
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
coz when i was at harriet's , i think i mentioned tht the atmosphere there was much happier, was alot more heck care...more chill
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
but my dad constamtly carries a sad face
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
from work
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
hes tired
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
and my mum simply refused to wake up today, (i understand tht feeling)
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
probably coz i made her upset last nite and she went thinking and thinking today. dad dont blame me im happy le
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
so he asked whether nick or i can mop the house tmr
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
so i sadi nick and i both going out. nick going work, im meeting stef for lunch then going interview
+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
uh huh..
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
then he said " i hope you dont intend to go out everyday." i replied " i dont even know whether im allowed to make plans" he said " if u go out everyday who is going to clean the house" then i said.."no. coz tmr im going for a interview"
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
then he said " i hope ure not going for interviews everyday"
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
then i said..i wont lie..but if i still need to find a job rite"
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
and then we didnt say much anymore...
+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
oh..
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
i think he's highly stressed..from mum. from mum minding everything
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
and from me being like this
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
im in a difficult position
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
coz im expected to be home to clean house
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
expected to be home for dinner..coz it's family dinner
+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
oh..
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
Why is God like this Why does he burden the good people with so many trials
+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
oh man...
+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
mel...
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
if my mum was healthy, and working, i think everything would be different.
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
it's just so sad
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
and in turn, even if i start working, i realised today, tht my sacrifice is for family. It's as good as saying, I shouldnt have anything else in life..
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
coz it's so unfair to the other party. But Fr simon said during mass, to make the more loving decision
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
haiz
+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
oh..
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
the only good thin tht came out of the conversation wth my dad just now, is probably that he hinted i can make my own plans
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
I just realli gotta watch it
+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
yeah
+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
cos it's like
+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
he knows he cant tie you down
+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
he just wants you more at home
+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
hmmm
+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
you dun like to stay home?
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
i dont mind..but im realli not homey
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
im not the sort who can wake up and stay home the whole day
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
i literally lose my mind
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
very quickly
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
like today, at least nick is ard
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
otherwise i cannot tahan
+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
and in turn, even if i start working, i realised today, tht my sacrifice is for family. It's as good as saying, I shouldnt have anything else in life..

+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
see wha tyou said
+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
for the family...
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
I know
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
i feel very sad
+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
dun feel that way lehz...
+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
you've been feeling down for so long already
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
It's unfortunate..and this is my fate.
+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
is there anything to cheer you up?
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
Only God can make things better.
+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
dun dun...
+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
it's like you dun wanna end up as this miserable girl rite...
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
I try to paerk myself up
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
but the atmosphere in my home is just too tense, is just too quiet
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
too "dead"
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
I feel this "ya1 li4" on the whole family.
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
I can only pray
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
This feeling was not present at all in her(name not written to protect the party)family
+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
feel this what?
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
She has no idea how fortunate she is
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
to have healthy, unburdened parents
+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
hmmm
+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
yeah lohz
+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
and some dun appreciate enough rite
+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
pray pray mel
+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
rememebr the candle they gave ytd?
+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
light it up
+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
stay in your room or soemthing
+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
and pray in front of it
+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
christabelle told me that
+stEfaNiE+ Mrs Moo Moo says:
i think it's not bad
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
I dont have the candle
.:: melmel::. im home. // I'm beginning to understand..why are things so unfortunate? says:
Haha it's way too dangerous to light it uph see..

reality hits her again...

-GOING HOME-

Hi guys, the blogger is back. I'm going home this sat =) Back to nick, back to my room, back to changi where jared and daryl reside, where renren isnt too far away, and where expo and all the mad ulu people stay.

But im sad. Im scared. I'm worried.
Yet, I'm relieved, I'm secure again, I'm safe.

dad and mum say no more going out. U all know im not homey. I understand and seriosuly dont midn being home more, but not to the extent of going out onli once or twice a month. God interseed pls.
Dad and mum say dear and i can onli meet on weekends. dear ONLI comes out every other day. That would mean outta three times he comes out, i'll onli see him ONE DAY A WEEK. help me pls. I'm so used to seeing hom much more since we got together. I'm crying inside.
these are the ONLI TWO im so heavy hearted about. I'm actually pretty confident, i wouldnt be a problem at home anymore. But these two weigh me down like rocks.

Yet, im going back, where my paino is, my comp is, my tv is, where i dont have to worry quite much what i wear at home. I dont have to worry about renting a place, and not having enuff money to pay people. Or that i mite have to keepo shifting. No worries abt internet. Dinner and comfort. I wont have to worry that people dont care about me. In fact, now I have my family who cares TONS. At least being home, I know im doing the right thing. As dear says, it's a good thing. I wont regret if smth happens to either dad or mum one day, and i will feel a guilt in me forever. Nick mite not forgive me too

Also, i dont wana keep feeling this sadness in me when i sing prodigal son. I dont wana be a bad girl i guess. I dotn wana be in the limelight, where poeple will look at me with critical eyes. So, as a catholic girl, i do the right thing, and i try my best to follow the sacrements and commandments. What am i to do. i am born catholic. I am a catholic girl, and that makes all the difference. I come from a proper family, i dont have a choice. This is the life God has set otu for me.

However, I also know THINGS WILL BE BETTER. I just need to give them time, to let them trust me again.

I am not in control anymore. Someone, help me.