Friday, May 27, 2005

and she dreams again...

It's amazing how one thing made my day so happy.I may be busy like a bee, but im proud of myself I woke up and made in in time for work. In fact, i was early. I hate the waking and the morning rish coz the time is just so tight, but I made it in the end. I used the keys boss gave me for the first time ever, to open up the English department room door. It felt good, and i did alot od work just within the morning. I bought a pair of nice, leathery shoes foe cantoring. It was cheap too. ; ) I had a simple lunch cz my finances are tight as usual. I;m learning to survive on my own now, leanring turly to be independent.

Dear, Renren, Harri, Zaza and Nick are all smiling at me. Melmel you did it.
I wana continue this way. I'm glad i didnt force mysefl to stay awake last night, in a hope of finishing up my work. I did it much faster and better this morning. Good day all.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

and she dreams again...

I havent had time for writing at all the past few days...after dear went back to camp, life has been hard. Office work is tiring me out extremely. ive wasted 30 bucks on three consecutive days of cab, plus being late for work everyday, which my boss is really unhappy about. it's the waking that's near impossible for me, but after tht, im fine. I hate it. This 30 bucks could pay for about half or more of my phone bill. So ive been cutting down on other expenditures on meals..and my sweet friends have been treaing and cooking for me...thanks joyce and renren... renren helped me out the last two days..to just unwind after work. We'd just hang and thoguh I get home pretty late, like 12 orm so, i feel tht much happier. Im not used to devoting my days and nights towork...

havent even written in my diary for days....setting comprehensions is hella boring me out...but yesterday i realli robotically did a lot of work...I dont know whether it is wise, with my health conditions and unreadiness to work ful time, to jump into another full time job after im done with this one month of work here at the tuition centre. Maybe i should continue to work part time for the tuition centre after tht, alongsdie Cartel...anyway im suppose to go back to them..It may be tiring..but chage my shcedules and "rest" myself for awhile in tht sense...Like how I used to do this...I dont know, see how tired I am by the end of this month. i did call KC though, to check if i can relief ..got to go thru MOE....aghh....

olrite, thing I should get back to work now..can't wait for canotr mrrting later..at least get to see friends...

Monday, May 23, 2005

and she dreams again...

God does things in an interesting way...and now it all seems much better than before...: )

I think dear and I havent had such a long, good, well spent weekend in ages. Thank you dear.

Tmr kick starts quite a week of work. I look forward to my weekend, and I pray i dont have to work on saturday! But if I do, evening there's still choir dinner!!!! YAY!!! potluck and its at big sam's so its near dear's place! :p

Tmr, I bvring a plastic bag full of story books, my new "re-plenished" pencil case, my thumb, yea my thumb and myself to work. It shld be fine. The office comp will be loaded with my songs! hahahaa....

qiong wei...ning zhi ji zai zong guo hao hao zhao gu zhi ji...ren shi ning zhen de shi wo de rong xing. wo, joyce, daryl, wo de nan peng you bu hui wang ji ning de. xie xie ning lao shi.
and she dreams again...

Let's see now...I wana write out my wish list. I don't know how to do it on my html...so i'll just write it here.

1> Thumbdrive - DONE!
1> Better health!
1> CHEAP new pair of cantor shoes
2> A GOOD JOB. AKA EARN WELL. HAHAHA!
2. more exercise
2> Handphone (3230)
3> mp3 player
4> webcam
5> audio mic
6> laptop
7> SECRET. hwahwahwa...so u wonder..seven is impt or not impt?? hehehe..maybe i just put tht for fun?> ahahaha

8> secret also wor! hahahahaha...so fun...
and she dreams again...

I had a realli sweet time with dear last night and this morning till early evening. I'm really happy. Thank you dear. Choir was lovely. My sops now aren't so dependent on me. I'm happy. They are growing, just like I am. the duet sung was beautiful. I tried not to strain though I did sing. My throat is very very very painful when I swallow. I really can't eat much. I just dont wana say it, but it's very painful. I boght my thumbdrive today!!!! *GLEEFUL* And best thing was, I had dear with me, and we had a nice time roaming funan checking out all the freaking kewl teachnical stuffs!!!! *AHH I WAN I WAN I WAN* hwahwahwa.... *grin* OMGOMG...lunch was...YUMMY!!! Soup Spoon at raffles! hehehehe..I RECCOMEND! Tmr gonna getta see him again! YAY! I noe we dont have as much freedom as I'd like..but im so happy with what i have with him now...: )

yea...i wonder whether toking abt all this so openly is good? hahahahaaha....i dont care...

renren! CONGRATS! LP has helped you~! hahahaha...see u soon again k...: )

HAIZ. Next week dear and I both gonna have a hard time, but Im gonna do my best! okies, ciao for now!~

Saturday, May 21, 2005

and she dreams again...

BORED. I'm really stoned from doing all those comprehension passages, setting the questions, getting the answer sheet ready, getting the voc list ready. two down, one more to go. I shall take a brak, and get ready to go meet dear. he's out late tonight..but thanks God for the long weekend. Shall finish my work on sunday night.

Pretty proud of myself nonetheless. Prob will stick to teaching. : )

Thursday, May 19, 2005

and she dreams again...

WORK.
Well! Today started off well! I was EARLY for work!!!! ::::::))))))) HAHAHAHAA.
Wow, thta feeling is so incredible. :p I called Joyce and went : "Hey...err..where are you?," coz I couldn't open the office door to the English department. And she replied:" Erm, in d office?" (aha, she had JUST stepped in!) So, I said, "Hey, I'm in d office too..." (and we both walked a few steps from each room and saw each other. HAHAHA.

I have alot alot alot of comprehensions to prepare for the holiday courses coming up the week after. I have exactly 30 comprehensions to get ready (get passages, set questions, vocab list, ans sheets) for everything...30 sets...by next week...OMG.....hahaha...*sigh* But I CAN DO IT! I really am looking forward to this one month full time..." yao zhi dao ta de zi wei" hahaha...
vesak day, bright and early in the wee hours of the morn, I'm going to the airport with joyce to send off xiao chen lao shi...so sad...she's leaving...joyce will no longer be working with me either....HAIZ.

WAHAA....I got pay!! heee...nothing much as usual..but happy. Im quite upset with my other company...haiz...haiz..haiz....

It's really the rainy season....dear was right...didnt wear shoes like he told me to, and got my feet all soaked just now while I was on my way home. GEESH. heh. okies, gtg eat dinn dinn now.

Ren ren, thanks for accompanying me thru the dreaful night yesterday...gtg...ciao!
and she dreams again...

i'll take u to the candy shop..and we shop till we drop..hahaa...random thoughts of the idle melmel mind...
and she dreams again...

I dont know whats wif this week, but I've been feeling realli down, besides my illnessess, and maybe with the recent events.

I need a break. A holiday. I feel ...stagnant. mundane. its eating me up.

I feel like going away for a holiday. But i guess the folks wont allow.
I wana go clubbing. But I guess the folks won't allow.
I wana go sentosa, but I guess the sun wont allow.
I wana organise a chalet or go dear's auntie's kelong for a break. I think that should be fine, but must ask folks.
I'm starting to feel that urking feeling i havent felt in a lil while. Ignored it, and it went away, but this "restricted" feeling is getting back to me.

Dear..i realli need a break..can we go somewhere...after i'm done with my job for the one month full time? me, you, harri, simon and rene. Just us. Let rene come along? Coz..he's realli been here for me thru the difficult days...and he's always been worried abt you and all.

I realli miss renren now. I realli miss harri. where is she tonight? Maybe with simon...thts why not online.

I feel strandedness, even thouggh renren is talking to me right now.

It's my medicine. Must be.
and she dreams again...

I miss dear....realli wish he could be with me this week esp coz Ive been very sick.

Had high fever last thursday night that lasted quite a number of days. When he came home, I felt better..but got worse after the weekend. Tried to pray it'd go away, but it got quite bad and had to visit the doc last night. The diarrhoea seems to be controlled now. Having gastricitists and I hope none of you get it, coz it's agonising and makes u very weak. cancelled work at cartel again for the rest of the week. But heading back to offcie tmr morning. Boss wants me to help her full time from next week for a month. Even sick also must go work. WAH. she think her employees are machine. But i have some queries I think i should sort out with her tmr, before starting next week.

I had this feeling suddenly that it'd be so nice if things with my family were nice, like ren or wei...coz...its sad..tht now...its all like this...stagnant..and its hard to repair...too many times things have happened. The character differences are too great. I don't know...it does make me sad...or maybe im just emo now coz im sick and listening to some realli nice music.

I hope i can go for dear's POP in june...but i mite not be allowed to have off on tht day. Snd thinking abt tht, my graduation is in july! Im getting a silly award.ahahaha.

I was just looking at samantha's and nikky's blog two days ago..and boy im happy for them! Sam's job looks great, and she and perry are really very sweet. : ) Seems nikky is getting a job too, but hope jae starts to receprocriate with her...think she and sam are moving to s'pore for good. WOW... that must be exciting!. Angie has been rather quiet..and Anais busy with work at abtl like usual...with smth i wish she can have too...saw rich's testi for robin...robin is in domestic relationship...??!!???....hmm ...i wonder how everyone else is doing...

I think its one of those nights again..the LOW...is taking over me..and the medication is feeling heavy with me...gtg bathe....nite everyone.

Monday, May 16, 2005

and she dreams again...

hahah! i used to say my tagboard was wayy too quiet...but at least it hasnt been "dirtied" in a long time. Wuite hilarious to have such commotion for the whole world to see. Haiz. what a waste. nvm la, no point brooding over it. Seriously, the minute i woke the next day, i just put it aside. Really not worth my time.

On a much happier note! I had a really nice time the last two days! Thank you dear...: ) I'm very proud of you...remember your hardwork is paying off and will continue to! The lunch today was superb and i think one day we should head back there to eat! You were really happy...and just slowly choosing cds to buy was such a lovely time...i think yesterday was realli realli fun! Hahaa...what not with heavy downpour and all...rain, one of our favourite things...

quite sleepy now..shall blog off here...

Saturday, May 14, 2005


simon, rene, harri, its time to retake this photo...just us the real gand..no outsiders...

Thursday, May 12, 2005

and she dreams again...

...........

Sometimes, the devil comes, and disturbs you. You do the most hurtful things to people without realising it. But God always says to pity these people, still pray for them, and continue to be strong. That's how I've always lived, with bullies in my life. Thank God for true friends who stick by you and keep you safe from such people. it's ok. I'm no longer upset or angry by it. i'm just utterly disappointed, disgusted and really amazed. i'm glad it happened, because now I know that they weren't real from the very start. I wish them all the best.

..............

Work was taxing again today. However, I got my pay since it was second day of the week. Not alot, but happy. Tired, completely zonked, but at the end of the working day, I walk out and see a dear friend waiting for me. I bought myself and dear some stuff : ) His favourite colour, and mine too. Tomorrow is Friday!! : ) I'll get to see him realli soon!
Tomorrow, it's gonna be work again, but renn's cooking at night! Harri and I can't wait to taste his skill! hwahwa. It's realli nice that i've found a sister in Harriet, and a best friend in Rene :p So now rene and I both have best guy friend and best girl friend!! =) It's a very nice feeling, because best friends can talk about anything under the sun and moon and stars. I met the two of them quite a bit this week, and harri is busy finding a job too.
I spent a nice day with my best gurl friend mellie yesterday. That was very very fun. We spend the entire time at her house chomping on ice cream, tea cakes, food and more snakcs!. But actually, what we spent our entire time on, was reading through all our silly letters to each other when we were pen pals! Hehehe...gosh...she and I have come very far together...
On monday, I had the honour of knowuing Stef Sun's REAL vocal coach. the one who discovered, groomed, and taught her. Thanks Big Sam for always giving me such opportunities. Very greatful. :)
Man..I'm stoned. My eyes are seriously closing on me. Working life,grr...but hope to be getting a better job soon! so ciao for now...see ya all...cya!

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

and she dreams again...

no..we are back together...i miss him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

come home to me baby...come home to me..............................aghhhhhhhhhhhh

Saturday, May 07, 2005

and she dreams again...

to add on, my head has a huge huge huge blue black now. coz i whacked my head against smth realli sharp at work. Coz i was late, i was rushing opening like mad. The nightmare/dream still stuck in my head, really upsetting and disturbing me....haiz......

an jing <>
ni yao wo shuo duo nan kai, wo gen ben bu xiang fen kai, wei se me hai yao wo yong wei xiao lai dai guo. wo mei you zhe zhong tian fen, bao rong ni ye jie shou ta, wo hui xue zhe fang qi ni, shi ying wei wo tai ai ni.
ni yi jing yuan yuan li kai, wo ye hui man man zhou kai, wei se me wo lian fen kai do qian jiu zhe ni wo zhen de mei you tian fen, a jing de mei zhe me kuai, wo hui xue zhe fan qi ni, shi ying wei wo tai ai ni.

this is one lyrics..i know hes saying to me.... and the other would be...

tong hua <>
....wo xiang le hen joi wo kai shi huang le
shi bu shi wo you zuo cuo le se me
ni ku zhe dui wo shuo tong hua li dou shi pian ren de
wo bu ke nen shi ni de wang zhi
ye qu ni bu hui dong cong ni shuo ai wo yi hou
wo de tian kong
xing xing dou liang le

wo yuan bian chen tong hua li ni ai de na ge tian shi
zhang kai xuang shou, bian cheng ci pang shou hu ni
ni yao xiang xing
xiang xing wo men hui xiang tong hua gu shi li
kuai le shi jie ju

yeah...this is also what hes been saying to me...so i'll put it here to contsantly remind me..tht i had someone who loved me deeply.
and she dreams again...

Its been one hard week. Exactly 6 days ago, I started crying at any time of the day, in front of anyone, even strangers. Becoz i hurt someone I love. he didn't believe me. There was nothing I could do about it, until I asked him to call me. I didn't like prepare myself to cry, of coz not. In fact, it's been the longest time, that i was happy to hear from him again, and relieved to as well. The knowledge of him being disappointed and angry with me made me feel incredible sadness. Becoz I know I hurt someone who loves me very much.

I thought about writing online for the whole week. I didn't know which would be better: To not write at all, as it is private matters, or to write so that i could try to explain. The night he called, I felt like running to him. He called....he actually called upon my request. He wanted to, I know. These last few nights, he hasn't msg or called. It's like, becoz I havent given an answer, he has also thus stayed with the decision of having nothing to do with me anymore for now, till he comes out tmr. I haven't msg but he doesnt know he;' been on my mind every single day of the week. Did I make the wrong decision? Initially I tot I ddn't, then I tot I did, and now...I'll say maybe I did, but it's all for the better of him and not me. I told him whatever i told him, and he was angry and sad also. And I reaslied tht he didnt mind me being unfair to him, but I can't do that. it's just against my consience.After days of dwelling on this and on him, I have to let him go. To let him heal, to let him be happier. of coz, not immediately, but he'll be happier, coz I do not want to give half heartedly. That's not love. Love is when u let him go. Becoz u want him to be happier.

The first day, i tot, heck, let him be mad with me, maybe tht'll be better. But after that, I felt he needed to know at least not to be angry with me for the wrong stuff. I dont mind him scolding me and blaming me for anything else. He was very fierce that night. I felt scared. But I noe he was onli too hurt. I broke down when he called, and I think onli then he understoof I wasnt lying to him.

Tmr he is booking out. Or maybe he booked out today..I really dont know. Shirin says fridays sometimes are book out days. I want to see him. Actually I really wana stay close to him, even if we're not lovers..then I could still care...but im afraid he isnt giving me a choice, and I dont blame him either. I hope tmr, after work, when i go look for him, he'll listen me out. I still have a need to see him.

This week; besides the emotional rollder coaster, i have tasted the waters of juggling two jobs, church, and whatnots. It isnt easy. I havent felt this tired in a long time. I haven't been eating properly. No appetite. I go to work on an empty stomach, i drink water at most, and eat very liight. I dont remember having a proper meal today either. Snacks at most. I just can't eat even when im hungry. Emotionally very drained...Mentally very drained, physically very worn out. The jobs ae taxing me. I have to OT coz there's too much work on one job. Im getting told off from another that Im not supposed to have two jobs. I havent slept well d entire week. Last night was the worst. I dreamnt that his bro bro's gf were very angry with me..i saw thw whole thing play in my mind, and i woke up upset. Coz I know his bro is mad with me. Late for work, late for opening, today was a disaster.

However,this evening, I attended a dance ensemble in TP and it helped a little to lighten my heavy heart. The dance items were very well ceographed, and the dancers were very impressive. Most of the items used lounge music like what U hear on lush 99.5 fm. I always liked the graceful movements of ballerinas, and the night's many items were exciting, enticing, sexy, graceful, and really smooth. the way the body can look so artistic because of the smooth way the body moves, is truly amazing. I was on the dge of my seat throughout. At one point I felt "weak" again though. Today i felt like crying again, butthe last few days, i actually stopped crying. Ive had support from my close friends, and it has been a little less harder to manage.

I feel better after writing now. If I don't it'll all be kept inside, waiting to explode. I wish he didnt give me a time...a dateline...can i drag it? so tht he wont leave my life so soon? Onli he can give me tht ans. But I know u can NEVER have yr cake and eat it.
I think there are two chinese song lyrics tht describes the way he feels now. guang liang's "tong hua" and zhou jie lun's " an jing" . He would agree, if he understood the lyrics, coz after hearing them today, guilt consumed me. But all I can say is Im really sorry. Dont leave?

This seems to be the season for break-ups. My two friends are also going through a tough time...and I hope nothing happens and it'll be fine in the end. My advice...dun say the wrong things out too soon, or you'll hurt someone u love. I did.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

and she dreams again...






i feel miserable inside.





Every love song gets me down.