Saturday, November 18, 2006

...in her head again.......

Hi everyone!

I think its abt time, that I moved blog. So please find me at :

http://melissadesiree.wordpress.com/

:) Enjoy.
I slept in till late today... coz I can feel a flu coming.. and NO NO NO LORD, thts BADDDDDD

im really damn worried abt tmr's jam....

went for ymm today. Better than being at home, feeling like crap, not being able to practise...

I did smth amazing though; i mopped the whole house. W O W. mel mopping the house. SMTH LONG. hahahaa..


ymm was beautiful tonite... and freda was there for me again. its strange how she noes i need comfort, even before i start showing signs tht i do. And jonella was so sweet... felt really touched...

been feeling very lonely... very empty...

had supper with them after and headed home...


yakking with a new friend called feng now... interesting new friend who was actually in mcm together with me in fsv.. haha..


gonna finally get to see him tmr... = )

Friday, November 17, 2006

WOHOOO! I finished watching GOONG! :))))) Or better known as Princess Hours!!! =)

YAY YAY YAY!

So so happy i watched it!


Also, ive loaded all my songs back into my player! Now its more organised. I named the files properly and alL! HEEE...

Kor..... hahaha can u help me find the songs for princess hours online? heh coz i dont know where to get hurhur... u know im dumb with these things hehehe

Watching movies and all especially these kind of series (korean and taiwanese) always make me forget all my problems and always immerse me in the story, till I go to bed feeling so much for the characters in the show. Yeah.. movies and such good serieses always make me have post feelings. hahahaha.

So shiok, 24 episodes all on u tube! SHIOKNESS !! hahaha sorry la poor film buff here what ta do rite. HEHEHE.


Tmr, will focus back on my practising! I have alot of practising to do. Vocal warm ups and practises, piano practise for originals, guitar practise for originals, vocals practise for gig, vocals practise for christmas caroling..! wow.


Monday start work! Also have caroling sectionals practise wow. Mondays fort sops and altos, tues for tenors and bass. Fri ymm wed maybe i mite wana go down for youth mentors... but i'll prob wana go catch open mic at sg art cafe... hope fri and sat ahve some gigs worth gg for...

Oh yeah guys, the Pitch Black Cafe at Haji Lane behind the bali lane is now open! So do go there and take a look see look see! Its beri pretty!


I miss you.
After watching this show, somehow the two main characters really reflected us. Ure like him, cold, and a man of few words. Pride being the utmost barrier. The girl in the show is like me, expressive, emotional, naive, simple, and happy happy. She cries for love alot, like me as well. After I finished watching the whole series, I wished for so many things... but oh well.


Monday I start work. But Monday Charles is flying off to Aussie. I havent spoken to him in ages. Somehow ive not seen him online. Somehow he didnt reply my msg abt work today, which I tot he wud. But its ok. I miss talking to him. I miss confiding in him. I miss my Charlie brown. I hope he'll be safe there and come back not feeling too tired. Hahah he hasnt even gone man, and im already so worried. LOL.
And Pat comes back on monday. Lerp and Sean mite be staying longer...


Ive learnt quite a few things from the princess hours show
- never be greedy. it will lead to evil and the evil will come back to you.
- love cant be forced. if u force, u drive it away.
- communicate. it is so important.
- be happy with what you have.
- the simple things matter.
- guys can be so difficult to understand HAHA.

that last one was a joke.

anyway, im off to sleep now.
till tmr.
nites everyone.


-do u miss me?-
Well, I guess one thing is off my mind though im still as broke. But good to noe im starting work again.
NEVER SAY DIE.
hahaha.

Anyway.... went to send lerp off at the airport with d rest earlier today. It was just an excuse to meet up i guess. He and pat went on the same flight. Sighs. Melbourne... I really really want a holiday. Seems like ive been saying tht forever eh? All these lucky people...and lucky students... but then again, I guess no pain no gain.. for me its gonna be doubly hard? By dec i wud have half a K to pay for rent... great... and i still owe some money... so besides tht i need abt another 650 a month to get by... singapore is expensive huh. I dont even spend on other things.. those are the calculated necessities. Also I will be saving for a possible overseas trip, my laptop, other stuff I need to get, and all... seems almost impossible sometimes.

But I guess tht working like a dog is the only way for me. Other people ahve uni sponsored. U noe how envious i am? But I noe after so much tht has happened tht at d end of the day I have no one else to blame except myself. But its really really difficult, accepting the fact that all this has happened and tht im even more less normal than others.

I doubt I can ever afford Berklee. I wud like to just go for their summer school but even that seems laughable. Im very sad inside, really.

No one wud ever really understand how any of this feels. But wait, stop, im not asking for yr pity, but just understand tht Im different. And tht affects many of my decisions or things I say.

Haha, anyway, guess my dieting hasnt been going accordingly lately. I have been eating too much meat and cheese and extra snacks and chocs HAHA. I was suppose to resist. And after the aches I felt those few days, the exercise stopped too. I guess I'll just try my darnest to eat less and eat proper food (lol what proper food anyway looking at how i have nothing here.. )...sorry.

MM..if its possible I'd be as skinny as joyce now. I like the way she looks. Or lerp for tht matter.. wow hes lost weight significantly.


Anyway.. are u one of those girls.. who holds onto her handphone all night, hoping he'd call? Why dont u try NOT doing tht? I have learnt to let go, totally.. not bothering or rather taking it as such : hes not gonna call, hes not gonna msg... hes got his own things to do which is prob true and hes really not interested anymore.. i tell u it works... and u dont get so disappointed.. u'd just go " whats new? "

But of coz.. its not like I dont understand...

all of us noe what its like leaving at d end of a nite out with friends, walking home or gg home alone.. and having to handle one of those really awful feelings of emptiness and loneliness...


Ive linked justicia's YORK PHOTOS... makes me feel even worse ... but im happy tht she puts up photos so tht we can all see what shes enjoying there... i love the weather there, i can feel it in the photos she takes.. i love the colours of the leaves... i love the beautiful scenic places they have there.... I REALLY want to go away... if i had money now, enuff for me to survive and go for a holiday, i wud run like the wind and be somewhere else. I hate this place.

but as much as i speak of melbourne and soon sydney, in 2008, the minute i think of everyone here and my commitments... i find it hard to let go. Yet I think when the time finally does come, i wud just go. Coz I noe like Jus I wont regret it at all.

nite.

4 6477 968
yeah some photos... tht emily poster was given by joycie.. :)





Thursday, November 16, 2006

God will make a way, where there seems to be no way...

Ive always believed in this.

After many nights of sleplessness, many nights of stress, I finally slept well last night. I got home and slept after an hr of tv. Slept till this morning, and woke to the phonecall of my next job. :)

Wow. Talk abt God's miracles.

I start work on Monday. It's project based. Pay is decent enuff really. 9am-6pm. Job aint so sweet, but if i push myself these two months, after december they might just keep me. If not I do have other plans, sort of.

Lord. Ive said thank you before, but this time really. thank you so much.
Now, I can do my caroling, i can do christmas, i can do my gigs. Praise u Lord.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

...in her head again.......

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It's the start of a new day for many. But for me, Im just lucky it's looking up a bit today. Coz after Pat and I got home last night, I felt so tired that I slept straight away, and that was 10.30pm. FIRST TIME EVER in so long....... gawd knows how long. BUT, the not so gd part was, i slept for a more or less solid three hours, till 130am, and woke up. Then after taking some water, I tried to sleep again but tossed till 230am. I gave up and woke up ard 3ish. ARGHS. But I have watched Princess Hours or GOONG till episode 20! Hurhur... omg, the story is getting so sad, so complicated so frustrating, so ... hahaa its making me so flustered! Coz they are all misunderstanding each other, hearing the wrong things, saying the wrong things, doing the wrong things, seeing the wrong things, all at the wrong times, due to the things that happened a sec before. So its like if it didnt happen tht way, it wud have turned out better tht kinda thing. AIYA! And the princess is too goodie that she doesnt see the bad intentions of the other party! And gets herself into trouble and all! AIYA!And the poor crown prince who loves her so much now is being so badly treated by her... argh argh... but then again yul is sooo nice too.. AIYA!
Oh but i guess there is one thing worth celebrating today, and that's pat's birthday. We went to miss clarity for dinner, (last min thing since we were both in d area), and I had the most delicious sandwich in the world! Harri u wud be jealous! HAHA.
The sandwich was three levels of bread, cut into half diagonally to make two big triangles, and inside were these ingredients: Bacon, lettuce, tomato, cheese, egg, succulent grilled tender chicken, and ham. .......YUMMY!!!

It was a superbly delicious dinner, with soup, drink and a small piece of dessert!
Thanks Pat, Im gald I cud celebrate your birthday with u! :)

Also the cafe is now decorated for Xmas. Sweet. =0)

Christmas... is different this year.
And it brings back memories that burn in my heart...

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...in her head again.......

Theres alot gg on in my head...Im sorry if i havent been talking much lately, or have appeared uninterested to talk, or have been oddly quiet, or have been unusually nonchalant... which i may not have been at all either; i do not know.

But, please be patoent, and understanding. I need your iindness now very much especially at this point.


Lord, your lost sheep needs you.


The job hunting has been very difficult. I cud explain the many reasons why, but thats all u really shud noe if u want to noe.


I have been sinning if what they say is true, that anxiety is a sin, becoz it shows tht i dont trust god enuff. So please forgive me father, for mynhuman weakness. im too lost not to be worried.

Monday, November 13, 2006

...in her head again.......

Wow. So much happened today. In the span of 7 hrs, church people caused me to cry and church people caused me to laugh. isnt it ironic.

Ive never realised how committed I am to cd choir till today. And jessy's leaving to me, is my failing as a soprano leader. But I guess wads done is done. I can blame myself and she'll still leave. Maybe then she isnt all tht committed and tht loving towards the choir, coz if she is, she wud stay despite the typhoons and small pricks tht the choir goes through.
Im disappointed, Im hurt. I may be young, but that doesnt mean I dont know what im saying esp with regards to ministry work. True tht I am still very emotionally driven with things, but I really hate it when people cut me off, esp people who are supposed to be older. Dont think tht young people talk rubbish. Some young people are wiser. But im not saying this to say something spiteful; coz for the first time ever, i didnt cry in church becoz of some personal prob im facing. I felt toally distraught with her sudden decision to leave, and her excuses of other roles she plays, which all of us have. Shes always been one of the members who came whenever she cud, and I understood. Many of them are like tht too, and so have i ever blamed them? NO. I felt my efforts to try and talk to her was like a big joke to her and thts rude. I saw a side of her that was aloof, and tht was rather shocking.
I guess its too late now. If she feels tht shes not strong enuff for ministry, then I guess none of us are. the all of us shud just WALK OUT right? is tht how we treat God? We leave him, becoz he has wounds and we cant help him and we feel we're not fit enuff? He never made us to be perfect. he never made us to serve him perfectly. I cant accept her excuses, coz I know theres more to it. I believe there are major misconceptions coz she has been fed with misconceptions, and I am extremely displeased abt tht. get the person out pls, if the person wants to destroy the nest i am trying to protect here. I am hurt. Very hurt. Very disappointed, and I feel Ive failed at the one thing Im trying to do best.
I feel very shaken by this becoz it just goes to show, how easy it is for someone to walk out on another person. We're here to help each other make things possible for the ministry. 5 yrs, so many things have happened. do any of u even understand??
We are all gg thru very difficult times. Each and every one of us carry crosses so heavy we wish we cud throw them off. But even then members try to stay, and try their best to come when possible. Some even come as little as one month out of 12, coz they study overseas, or some hols jobs tht take up the weekend. Jessy, I know ure giving me excuses, and becoz of that, beocz u werent willing to hear me out, and to hear yrself out, then ok, go find yr other CALLINGS.
im sorry tht u felt attacked today, but it wasnt meant for u and u knew tht.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

...in her head again.......

Sleep has bercome impossible.
At least till i pass the morning.

I had one hour of "sleep" and I woke up after. For the 4th, 5th day i got to see daybreak again.

I continued watching princess hours till 12pm. Then suddenly felt very sleepy, and went to nap. Now im gonna be late for church. great.


maybe too much princess hours. had nightmares just now.
sighs.



p/sL pendulum man is not scary
News news!

November 9, 2006
Singapore to legalise anal, oral sex - but only for heterosexuals
By News Editor

http://www.fridae. com/newsfeatures /article. php?
articleid=1800& viewarticle= 1

As part of Singapore's first major penal code amendments in 22 years,
anal and oral sex in private among between consenting heterosexual
adults will soon be decriminalised but the law criminalising sexual
acts between men will remain.

Anal and oral sex will no longer be a criminal offence in Singapore
but this will only apply to consenting heterosexual adults while
sexual acts between men will remain a crime, the government said on
Wednesday.

The Ministry of Home Affairs (MHA) said it has conducted a detailed
review of sexual offences in the penal code. The review was first
announced in November 2003 after a huge public outcry erupted over
the injustice of convicting a police constable for consensual oral
sex with a teenager who was thought to be of legal age until later.

A relic of British colonial rule, Section 377 - which criminalises
sexual acts 'against the order of nature with any man, woman or
animals' and provides for life imprisonment for life, or with
imprisonment and a fine - will be repealed while Section 377A, which
criminalises "gross indecency" between males whether in public or in
private and prescribes up to two years' imprisonment, will be left as
is.

Britain, Hong Kong and Australia have since repealed laws prohibiting
sex between men in 1967, 1991 and 1997 (in the state of Tasmania, the
last Australian state to do so) respectively.

An "explanatory note" issued by MHA to official newsrooms after
office hours on Tuesday, which was obtained by Fridae, read: "The law
on sexual offences deals with sexual relationships and embodies what
society considers acceptable or unacceptable behaviour.

"When it comes to homosexual acts, the issue is whether Singaporeans
are ready to change laws to bring them in line with heterosexual
acts. Singapore remains, by and large, a conservative society. Many
do not tolerate homosexuality, and consider such acts abhorrent and
deviant. Many religious groups also do not condone homosexual acts.
This is why the Government is neither encouraging nor endorsing a
homosexual lifestyle and presenting it as part of the mainstream way
of life."

The news has enraged the local gay community. Miak, who is an active
member of several gay groups, said: "What is the argument for the
decriminalising of non-vaginal sex between heterosexuals but not for
homosexuals? Is it about how conservative Singapore society is, and
how some people find homosexual sex deviant, offensive, repugnant? I
think that the same people might also find non-vaginal - meaning oral/
anal sex which will soon be legalised - deviant, offensive and
repugnant too!"

"The law hasn't been used to prosecute in recent times - so what is
the point of retaining it? To maintain a facade of moral standards?"

While welcoming the repeal of Section 377, gay and lesbian advocacy
group People Like Us (PLU) said that the "assurance" that it "will
not be proactive in enforcing the section against adult males
engaging in consensual sex with each other in private" is inadequate
as it cannot be relied upon legally.

In a statement issued on Wednesday to call on the government to
repeal both Section 377 and 377A, PLU said: "The retention of s.377A,
even if not enforced, will signal to many that homophobia is
justifiable and acceptable and has the support of the State.

"If the government aims for an open, inclusive society, it should be
doing all it can to overturn prejudice and discrimination, rather
than give people reason to remain closed-minded through retaining s.
377A for symbolic purposes."

Subhas Anandan, president of the Association of Criminal Lawyers in
Singapore, questioned the rationale for not repealing Section 377A in
a Channelnewsasia interview: "If you are a homosexual or a lesbian, I
think you can get into trouble. We are talking about an inclusive
society and being more broad-minded. Why do we want to keep these
people away, out of the circle? I think we should be more broad-
minded, more sympathetic and allow these people to be included in our
society."

Other proposed amendments include new laws to combat child
prostitution, sex tourism, strengthened prosecution of credit card
fraud and the extension of several offences to the electronic media
including the Internet as well as a clarification of the definition
of an unlawful assembly. In total, the proposed changes would add 19
new ones, affect 19 existing offences, and review penalties, and will
now be open to public feedback for a month via reach.gov.sg.
Saturday Nov 11 06

Today was not bad I guess.
I woke, practised for an hr or so, loaded more stuff into my now "brand new" player and arranged with joyce what time to meet. Today was suppose to meet ana, but joyce cud meet me in the same area as my jam session later tht nite so I guess it fit in nicely.
:)

Met joycie later, and I realised how much I missed her. It hurts me to see her so so so so sad.... sighs.. no amount of love i give her cud make up for tht emptiness in her. I just hope she realises she deserves so much more and has so much more to live for. But I guess things like these are not for me to judge and say... a person shudnt be reprimanded over how he or she feels about something. Its an accumulation of so many hthings and past events that cause them to feel that way.

But still... seeing her like this... i tend to realise people have worst problems... even myself... my probs may be heavier than hers... but mine are nothing to compared to the handicapped girl I saw coming out of the train today, who has to walk around with a four feet crutch in front of her.. or my church friend whoose grandpa is very sick, granduncle passed away and grandaunt also in hospital...


Anyway... met her and round round teddy bear fighting jason for dinner... thanks to them i had a dinner to fill my tummy. I only spent four dollars today on scones at gloria jeans... no sonces can be compared to mum's scones.. i miss her scones very much.... smth from my younger days...

After tht I met Amanda and Kalai to jam... we tried evry song...e recorded... but theres much to work on... i need wei back.. if not we're gonna hev a prob... hopefully army lets him out next sat... please please cross fingers... jam fund was worked out with kalai.. and i really appreciate tht...thanks da man... thts what i call him DA MAN... hahaa...

Went home straight and passed Joik the website stuff...

ohoh! it was quite funny.. joyce, jason and i bumped ionto bao, jon desker, ken ji, josh, emman, and two of the other ymm boys at suntec. LOL.. then it was quite funny really.. two groups of church friends.. ahaha... then later on i ended up on the SAME bus as bao.. LOL... gawd...


thanks everyone for yr love and support.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

...in her head again.......

Friday Nov 10 2006

Spent the day alone.

My aim to wake up early and set out to do everything wasnt exactly successful.
I cudnt sleep last night. It was impossible. In fact I kinda hate sleep now, sort of, coz I begin to worry too much when I sleep. So I stayed up till 8am, after trying to sleep for an hr or so, watching princess hours up to episode 6. Thanks Gerri for yr email some time ago; never tot I'd actually watch the series. hah.
The lead actor, OMG, reminds me of someone i really dont wish to remember anymore. Why why does he HAVE to look and behave so much like him?! Why? Argh. Haha jus, I didnt think we’d have smth in common with this series even! I remember u told me that the lead actor reminded u of him too. Damn, from novels to movies, we have yet something else in common HAHAHA.

Anyway, I was hoping I cud stay up past 8am, and then not have to wake up at 9am, which was my planned waking time. But I cudnt tahan, and ended up sleeping till 3pm.
These were the things I planned to do today (and those cancelled were what I did do):

- Go to Shangri-la Hotel for a walk in interview
- Got to Moon Rover Cafe to apply for job
- Go to Westin to apply for banquet job
- Go to Raffles Hotel to apply for banquet job
- Go to Marina Square to repair my damn player
- Pass him his mopiko
- Go to Blujaz to watch Matrix and chill
- Buy Newspapers
- Check how bankrupt I am.
- Go to werners oven to apply for job.

So there, not bad for someone who woke at 3 and rushed out at 345pm.


This time of my life is really surreal. Im at my poorest, my most helpless, and the weirdest. Im living with a different time frame compared to everyone else for now.
And I feel like I cant really trust anyone anymore. Something inside is telling me even the closest cant be trusted totally., or relied on.

Today, I started understanding even more wad its like to go for what u really want.
I told Harri yesterday that if she really wanted smth, she had to pursue it, fight for it.
Today, the way I went abt finding ways and means to make sure I got a place at the hotels for the banquet jobs.. really… was an extra mile. If I had given up, I wudnt have gotten my name down at either hotel.

I realized also that im giving up time for jobs, for my upcoming gig at esplanade. I hope it’ll be worthwile and that it’ll turn out good. Im not batting an eyelid. I will do it , no matter the cost. It is proving to be difficult though, with the kinds of work im gd at. Its not smth I don’t already know.

This is the worst time of the yr to be getting a job. It’s the Christmas season. Argh. Really. The timing is very bad.

The Raffles Hotel HR fella was one weirdo. But the Banquet office girl at Westin was a lot nicer. In fact shes so real. She said to me “ But this concerns yr career u noe… “ and I said “ Yes but… im stuck between my calling for music for church, my dreams and my needs.” And really, no one really understand how stressed I am abt this. It is a very huge dilemma. I aint giving up any of them/

So far, Ive sent in resumes or applications to singtel, jermaine’s marketing sales job, westin, raffles, moon river café, and before tht the stupid liquid kitchen, Vietnamese restaurant and secret recipe. So see how loh. Before that, I have sent to some others cant remember now. At least no more stupid liquid kitchen ***.

The banquet office girl at westin said to me “ ure too used to operations work liao.. ure not suited for office.” Hahaha how true…

I think this xmas is gonna suck. Really.
I was walking ard, and I was being tortured looking at all the lovely clothes, things in the shops etc etc, and the miserable feeling tht I can only look. Sighs. And the xmas trees all around town, making me feel worse. I usually start soaking in the xmas season atmosphere when the décor in town starts to come up. This yr I hate it very much. I hate it a lot. It reminds me of our first xmas with harri in orchard as well.

The rain today didn’t have the effect it usually has on me. I didn’t feel nice. It only made me drenched. Well, maybe it helped to so call COOL me down. And coz of my own late waking, I rushed out and forgot to bring my brolly, forgot to eat properly, and forgot to bring out the stuff for Joik.

HAHAHAHA. Why,. Wud. ANYONE.like ME? Who am I kidding man. HAHAHA.
I hate the way I look. I hate the way I dress. I hate the way I am.
Fashion and shopping are the evil. Haha

Lets put it this way: the woes of women are such that we have to look good, feel good, and it helps self confidence. This is true. I don’t exaggerate. And it is just a part of us to want to look good, and hence feel good. Guys don’t have to worry abt tht. Clothes have tons of different designs, colours, styles… and , just looking ard today, made me feel really pathetic. Girls are unfortunate to have to accessorise, though it is a choice.

Guys, DON’T PRETEND for one minute, that yr first impression of a girl isn’t that she looks good, she dresses well, and shes preddddiii. A girl feels good, not just by how she feels abt her self, but sometimes when u guys say “ wow she carries herself so well. She looks so confident.” Have u noticed, tht she probably spent extra time ironing tht dress, or blowing her hair, or putting on all that make-up, or matching her clothes for an hr with her shoes and watch and everything ELSE so tht she can be confident abt how good she looks?!?!?!?!?!?

Don’t lie. So easy for guys to go Aiya just wear a shirt and jeans and walk out la. Or aiya I just wear this all the time no diff.



How. did my life. get this bad?
Im bankrupt now.

I went to 6 atms, and how annoying it was that only ONE out of the six cud draw 20 dollars. And this time its nt like I cud draw 50 anyway.

Can I wish for the impossible now PLEASE? Its depressing.


My BEAUTIFUL mp3 player HAD TO BE REFORMATTED
FARRRRRRK. They said either that, or send back to the factory to check if its still under warranty and then repair it. WHICH WUD COST ME 139 OR 199 if it isn’t under warranty. Either way I didn’t want my player to be sent.

So there goes. And YES THE MIC IS SPOILT. ……………………………………..


So, the whole days ordeals were over. I had eaten bread, two packets of panda biscuits, one chicken fold over and had fries at blujaz. So CARBOOOO---EEEY don’t u think!?!
Screw the farking diet. I ate chocolates last nite and tonite too. So So edgy. But im still trying to be careful of what I eat.

My chest injuries are gone. I shud get back to exercising.

Im 56 kg, at 161, or 162 somewhere ard there. Why ?? I wana be 46.. tht wud be nice.


Oh.. Aileen is acting all weird on me now. Just coz I asked her again whether I cud work. She didn’t even reply my msg. That wud have solved all the awkwardness. Tonite she gave me my 5 dollar bill even before I cud ask. And this was like even before I’d started eating my fries. This is NOT THE POLICY THERE. I was really quite ticked off. And Oh JAMES IS STILL AROUND…. But part time.. apparently he isn’t leaving yet.
Oh she has new comers, she doesn’t need me anymore. That is fine u noe, but at least don’t show so obviously tht ure avoiding me?? Like the way she was avoiding kalai tht week. ARGH. She really SIAMED me today.

Nevertheless, the music was awesome. Matrix is really good. They are all working professionals, yet they play so well, as if they practice all day long. Jazz piano, saxophone, drums, bass. All of them really all of them are REALLY REALLY REALLY GOOD.

The music helped cheer me up a bit at least.



Its been a very rough day. Im sorry.

Friday, November 10, 2006

SO PISSED OFF SO PISSED OFF SO PISSED OFF SO PISSED OFF

why so many different WEIRD ASS HUMAN ISSUES TODAY
WHY
WHY
WHY

first her fears then her weird atm thing tht happened then my player decided to die on me then his weird ass shite with her i swear tht gurl is more than a handful then later an upset with my close friend... argh HUMANS ARE FUCKED UP ........... ARGHHHHHHHHHHH.

we shud just SHOOT OURSELVES YAY BANG BANG

gawd damn it

fuck it
i hate creative
i hate creative

i hate CREATIVE!~!!!!

first time my player ha probs, it died. cudnt work...
second time the same fucking thing happened

wanted to send for repair
and hey wow, it seems ok suddenly

TODAY IT CANT READ ANYTHING INSIDE. IT APPEARS THT THERES NO MUSIC IN IT?!?!?!?!?!?
IT SAYS SELECT MUSIC TO PLAY IN MUSIC LIBRARY. WTF.

check information, it says i only have abt 1000mb left... coz ive used up all the space.. THEN WHERE THE FUCK IS MY MUSIC.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHS

Thursday, November 09, 2006

...in her head again.......

I spent the whole afternoon practising piano, practising guitar and practising for the gig. ok, at least i did something good for myself.

Tmr im gonna head down to two three hotels to apply for banquet, and one for guests relations officer, and then to another cafe nearby.

tata time to cook noodles.
Today, was tiring. And good I suppose. And sad too.

Original intention was for me and Fi to go for an interview and then head to Vivo City.But after some discussion, we felt that that advert looked rather dubious. So we decided to head down to Vivo Vity instead. Fi got a call for an interview in d evening though, and SHE GOT THE JOB! WOHOOo!! Congrats Fi!!!

Vivo city, is like non other! It's KLCC plus an entire PLAYGROUND, SWIMMING POOL AND ESPLANADE put together on the third floor and on the outside. Wow, Vivo is awesome man. I really really really like the place!We walked ALOT TODAY. Walked and walked and walked. Their open air areas are soo for couples, for free spirits, for low moments, for song writing, for chill out sessions, for playing for everything! The second chain of gloria jean's coffee is there too!

I had diarrhoea last night, so I stopped dieting today, to get back on track. Fi and I are so broke, we shared french fries at carls junior, we shared a SCONE at gloria jean's and shared the cost of the newspaper we bought today even! lol. we bought sean's small pressie also at giant, and we walked the entire supermarket. I think we saw enuff clothes to wana have thousands on us to spend. The toys r us there is like
a ginat maze. I swear anyone can get lost in vivo city. Its the next hottest thing. its really a good concept they have got there.

Anyway we headed back to cityhall as she hadnt seen the new raffles city basement. We both bought a file each (ery cute and cheap) coz we both needed files for stuff. Then we walked alot and i found out yunwen's not at gloria jean's anymore.. wonder why... i was getting hungry and bought a chocolate to eat. You see today was nothing but potato fries, fries, and bread) and chocolate. LOL. Did i mention that my arms and chest area are aching from all the exercise? So i stopped crunches and push ups for two days as well. Very painful leh...

So anyway, Fi got a new job! Her first proper full time job! Junior photographer at cover looks! Woo! They are located in stamford tower, which is next to capitol...her starting pay will be tough on her but with more experience and after her probation she will eb good to go! wish her the best!

Yea.. tht made me happy, but very stressed as well. felt even more depressed than ever. The liquid kitchen boss is a ****** *******. He got angry with me just coz I been sms-ing him asking him when i can start work. ARGH. typical TIBU!!! Im not gg there anymore. Really. hes like so angry with me and I havent even started work or done anything wrong! I have a few more places im aplying to, some full time, some part time.. PLS PRAY FOR ME. im sooooo stressed. Dont play. it is really depressing.

Jase cant come for jasm this sat again, coz of the stupid duties tht they give him again. ARGH ARGH ARGH. theres no more time to jam liao!!!! gig is in a few weeks time leh. wah biang. WE ARE NOT PREPARED AT ALL. Shit man........

Great man.. im feeling damn lousy today. Only good thing is, for th4e first time ever, im tired at 10pm...

last nite was bad. I cudnt sleep again. And what was worse... every memory we had.. from day one.. things he said, things i said... moments.. nites.. days.. everything came back to me... as clear as as if i was watchng a film... felt so ... i cudnt sleep. why is my mind playing such games with me. I guess Im really bad at these sort of "relationships" just like what kor said.. SHUDDUP NICK.. i noe what ure gonna say...

what am i to do....

christas caroling practices need me...
gig preparatons need me...

i need money... WOW. wonderful.
tmr gg to another cafe in cityhall to apply.. and then to raffles hotel and westin for banquet application.. and my friend got me this lobang dont knwo whetehr i shud take.. some art demonstrator.. wah biang like tht time krafers tht kinda job.. till dec only.. but if i really have no choice...im asking zhong to help me apply to singtel for customer service...

no more time le... this is the worse period to get a job.. coz its the holiday season, everythings gonna be busy.. and me being a newbie.. what can i say or do...
and worsr of all, CHRISTMAS. hey dudes, do me a favour will u? pls stop putting up all those xmas decorations?!! ive got no gawd damn cash to buy things ok...

im at my wits end.. fi's starting work.. jill's been working for a month plus as a nuse with a healthy bank account, and me? five weeks coming now...im not being egotistical.. but really, once one hits the age 21... they start feeling the preasures that only those working wud understand.. peers earn certain amounts.. and then u.. punny little one there.. stuggling.. watched singapore dreaming? These stresses are real.. none of us.. NONE of us ever felt this concerned abt how much we're earning... or whoose getting how much... its the damn society.

pls. lord. pls. pls...

i will keep pretending tht im ok.. but dont u ever suspect tht im not??? how can i always look so happy in front of u????

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

...in her head again.......

I guess distractions are always good in a way. But because distractions dont take place or rather take place on purpose, the thing u try to distract yrself from becomes the one thing u start to focus more on. However it is still good sort of.

Spent today meeting up with fiona, joik, lerp, and don from the band smth evol hahaa.. went to watch Step Up coz they got free tickets. We bumped into symon too. It was a gd movie, and i liked it much. I woke up0 earlier today, and camile called abt the job and all, i appreciate tht. fi and i s0poke abt a job ad in the papers and we have decided to head down for an interview tmr. I mite go to the hotels and ask ard too. Also asked zhong to see if singtel is hiring for his position coz im interested. five fucking weeks its gonna be now.. have never been poorer.. but im trying to relax... just need to be patient for a week more i think.. i tink tht *** **** of liquid kitchen is playing me out. we're also gg down to vivo tmr to check it out. Shes got cartel food vouchers so lunch is covered. yay. lets hope our plans work out.

after movie, we were at mac cafe for a while, and we decided to head back to bedok. hung ard one of the playgrounds, played fire sparklers, and sang some songs. Lerp composes very nice songs. Why cant i do so??? he uses the same damn chords man...

anyways... tried.. gonna koon soon. shit, today didnt do exercise, didnt practise guit and piano... tsk. haiz.

im getting joik to do my web site for me... gonna give her a little treat sort of ... so gonna start working on it.. only prob, i have no server.. dont know how also...

aiya...


- how do i get out of living a lie, when somehow i dont really have a choice but to stay in tht lie? how do i stop this...-

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

...in her head again.......

Tried to sleep earlier last night(morning) like 3am, and i just cudnt sleep. Woke up, had some biscuits coz i got too hungry, and then tried to force some sleep to no avail. Woke up again and played guitar till 5ish? I only remember falling asleep when the sky was brighter. Woke at 11, then at 1, thanks to camile's phone call. : ) Yay.
While I laid awake trying to sleep, my mind started to wander and it backtracked to the week we broke up, so called, well I guess still is sort of.

MM, I remember a week after it happened, I went to his old place to look for him. it was a Sunday evening, and I was in church praying fcor fifteen mins, trying to calm myself down, before mass started. I cudnt stay put, and went off to look for him. I remember that drama-like two hrs or so. He was asleep, so I waited. When he woke, he was, like back then, always anxious when he saw me sresting on the floor instead of the bed. He wud pick me up, and ask me to rest on the bed instead. He did the same, except tht we were on different ends of the bed. I remember that that felt very awkward for both of us.

I sat there in a corner, on the verge of bursting out. After a gd half hr, he got up and went to use the restroom. I gave up, and decided to take off. He came out, just int ime to stop me, and asked, "Where are u going?" "I've gotta go" I replied. I was really about to walk out, czo I felt so helpless. But just then, he took me into his arms and hugged me. Slowly I started crying, I felt released, I felt like it was all over, and that I was safe again... esp after the torment I went thru a few days before that. I was staying with Aunty Pauline at that time. I was a wreck at that moment. He said to me " Dear, I will try my best again..Im sorry " . And we just stayed put like tht for the longest time ever. I think we'd never kept so close for that long...

But after the drama was over, we talked, and he had to go off to camp. In the cab he held my hand, and said " i think i'd like to be single for a while first. is tht ok?".....

the end.

After this recalled memory, i put myself to sleep.



That was the last that I felt his real love...but I cant just think abt it now and feel all down.. coz so many things have happened.. we're different now.. and i have to accept that... of coz pthe past will always haunt us...the memories will always yield in us a yearning for what we'd lost. Like how my name and my photos used to be a part of his online stuffs and whatnots... or how he used to have a million of my photos in his phone and i knew what it felt to at least be half loved...

This is just a re-telling of an old story...its not meant to serve any other purpose.
I just watched "50 first dates" on DVD, and Im really wow-ed by it. What are the chances of meeting someone who is willing to be so patient to go all out every day to make u fall in love with him again and again day after day and then slowly try to etch it into yr memory?? His love for Lucy is so admirable. I wonder if it could really happen in real life???

But perhaps it could. Love is really amazing, and it will make u move mountains. Point proven.
----

Hmm.. Pat came home sad... I managed to cheer him up for a bit and distract his thoughts, but he was really down and I felt sad for him. i dont understand why people say things to hurt someone they used to love. How do u do that? Pat's such a great guy.
Anyway it was good that he went to watch ETC tonite, and I got him to teach me more guitar stuff. Hope that took his off mind things for a bit. Haiz.. poor bro...
----

Ive been practising so much. But it is proving difficult. I dont now how the rest pick it up so quickly. Im learning how tp pluck slowly, and bar chords. I also finally learnt the difference between open and closed chords now...

I will practise till I can strum well enuff, with the different intensity of strength for volume, and I will practise till I can change chords quickly,and accurately; esp to F major and D7...argh so annoying. I find it much harder than piano. Ahah even piano is tough for me man.

Haha trying to practise for gig more, but think im a little too driven for my originals.. cant wait to be good at them playing wise and vocals wiese, so tht i can do a set at art cafe or smth.
----

Looking forward to tmr! Gonna be hanging out with joycelyn and bunch for a free movie! YEHOO.=p Nothing beats FREEE. FR E EE hehehe.
---

Ohh Poor Sean SPRAINED HIS ANKLE!! HAHAHA WHY?! Soccer la. Play somemore! muahahahaa. Poor fella. tsk.
----

Okies, shall rest earlier today! Trying to get back to normal human hours. BAH.

tmr, 60 crunches and 10 push ups again. see if i can do more! Today was not bad- I ate cereal, instant noodles and ice milo! HEEE... thts all man THTS ALL! :)
----

OOOOO... YES ONE MORE THING! I have mastered the art of Wei's milo-peng! YAYYYY!!!! YES YES YES!!! hehehehehehee.... I shall make it for him next sunday instead of him making ti YES YES YES! heheehe...
----

Well, Im trying to relax now.. hopefully God will take care of things... been stressing myself up too much. I think I will do the banquet job, which mite only start next week, but better than waiting from the gawd damn no news cafe.

TATA.

-love u all, esp the three of u (WeiHarriCharles and kor-

Monday, November 06, 2006

...in her head again.......

The most awful feeling in the world, is when deep down u feel so disappointed with yrself, and you know that those who matter the most to you, are also just as disappointed and worried and hurt coz ure hurting yrself...

all he had to do was say one line; the one burning line that everyone has been asking me or saying to me...it was quite terrible already it coming from someone who mattered so much just a few days back... and then again from someone i owe an explaination to.. and today... from the one who mattered the most to me...

im really really getting my act together. i am... i really really am getting to it.. but its not within my control... i am bugging i am asking.. i am...

please...

i feel so stressed already. i hate the way everything is currently...
but i know youre all just very concerned....


I did 60 crunches today.. but im finding great difficulty doing push ups... can only do 10 with utmost determination.. arms are hurting alot now... and my fingers too from all that practise on the guitar...

i suck so bad. im such a mess. SORT OF.
then again go think what u want..
i have fallen many times, but i will keep pushing, i will KEEP TRYING till i succeed in everything i aim for, and aim to be, and aim to achieve.

i will.
...in her head again.......

Church was okayy yesterday. Freda didnt come and I felt a definite piece of the choir missing.

Had dinner at his place,(and his mum's cooking is getting more and more delicious) and had a lovely time.(He made the ever so delicious milp-peng for us again!). I'll save the rest of the crap to myself.

Before I slept last night, I scrolled thru the numbers in my handphone list and was kinda shocked to notice that there were a good like 30 numbers or 40 numbers that I eiether (1) didnt recognise anymore, (2) havent contacted in ages, and (3) realised were redundant. I deleted so many numbers!!!! GOODNESS!.

I spent alot o time last night, practising my originals on guitar...till my fingers hurt like crap. I intend to do an open mic at art cafe or marine cove, one set just all my originals.. so im practising really hard now. so that, if i get another earshot set, I can do a full set of originals. I really wana just play them for people just once maybe even. Just throw my fear and my pride aside, and do it. All this while, I feared how people will react to my songs, my lyrics, the rhythm, the playing, the tunes, and be all judgemental and all, but if i keep fearing, how on earth am i ever gonna put them out there for anyone to hear?!

Also spent some time working on my songs for the gig, coz jam is this sat. I realise I have a phobia of my self, of my vocals, of how I sound when I practise, coz 9my expectations are just too high. I tried to sing Be my Husband, and as always, i only seem to be able to sing it with the song itself. I mite do silent night though.

I dont know what the heck is gg on with liquid kitchen. They said im hired but I havent heard from them for work this week. Now Camile is helping me out for the banquet job at westin. They pay well, and I can work as much as I need, very flexible. But need to go for one training class, and apply and let the card process all, which mite take another week. I REALLY NEED TO WORK NOW. argh.

The Charmaine senior i bumped into the other day has some fast cash lobang for those survey thingys.. i hope that lady will call me soon!


- you never fail to make me happy -
- but its just not the same anymore -

Sunday, November 05, 2006

I have completed my three new originals :)

Here are all my 8 finished originals. no. 6, 7, and 8 proses just refuse to give me any inspiration to write any tunes yet, so u're gonna have to wait. The new ones are 9, 10 and 11.


-1. Home To You -

V1. You were my Home
Supposed to be a place I know
A place I could
Call my own

V2. But love grows old
& Leaves you all alone
& tells you you should
Pack up as go

[C] But now it's all so empty
Even though you're there
I can't get through
There's a stranger that won't let me in
and it's you

V3. You always said
I didn't have to look so beautiful
But now you've seen someone new
Oh I'm such a fool

[C2] and no no no
Now I'm afraid
Wish you were here
to see what I'm going through
But all the things that could hurt me might just hurt you

V4. And as your heart grew cold
I wrote this song
Wondering where I should go
Wondering where we went so wrong

[C3] But now I'm tired of wondering
But do you even care
Coz you say we're through
Still I'm hoping that you'll let me in
Because it's you...

Chords:
C E Am D



-2. Run Home Girl -

V1. Run home girl
He don’t love you anymore
Run home girl
Look at those boys on the other road

V2. Oh hey girl
I was just playing with your heart
& Oh hey girl
I’m so sorry I broke your heart

V3. Run home boy
I don’t need those lies anymore
Run home boy
Go stick those lies on your wall

[C] Coz now I’ll live
Even without you by my side

V4. Walking alone
Along that same old crazy road
Trying to smile
And dry those tears that roll down..my cheek

[C2] Coz now he’s gone
He was supposed to stay here
But where is he now…oh where
I don’t see him anymore

V5. So dry those tears
Go save them for
Someone better

V6. Run home girl
He don’t love you anymore
He don’t need you anymore
He don’t want you anymore.

Chords:
Am Em



- 3. Those Moonlit Nights -

V1. The city lights glisten tonight
And all I see is you and I
Lying under that moonlight
As I lay by your side

V2. Oh baby don’t you remember that night
The two of us, still so shy
Starring into each other’s eyes
Forgetting how cold it was that night

[C] That was the sweetest of our nights
The cold wind blew and I looked in your eyes
And I knew from that day on
I was the luckiest girl of all
That was the sweetest of our days
No pretence No arrogance
Looking forward to your embrace
The only thing I thought kept me safe…

V3. The city light glisten tonight
I sit alone no longer by your side
Watching each day pass me by
Aimlessly I walk my life

V4. Oh baby don’t you remember that night
The two of us, standing side by side
I took your hand, but you pulled away
Who was I supposed to love, today

[C]

Chords:
C G E Am F C Dm G



- 4. Take Me Away -

[C] Take me away
Tell me I’m dreaming
Where is this place
My heart is aching

V1. What I want now
Is to run away
What I want now
Is for you to stay

[C2] So please
Take me away
Where I can see angels
A place of joy
Where I can be happy

V2. Coz I know that
It’s not far away
Coz I know that
It’s a better place

[C] So please
Take me away
Tell me I’m dreaming
Where is this place
My heart is aching

V3. But I know that
I must go today
But I know that
You don’t need me now

[C2} So please
Take me away
Where I can see angels
A place of joy
Where I can be happy

V4. Coz I know that
It’s not far away
Coz I know that
It’s a better place
Coz I know that
I must go today

[C] So please
Take me away
Tell me I’m dreaming
Where is this place
My heart is aching
My heart is aching
My heart is aching

Chords:
A Em A Em F C F C
A Em A Em G C G C

A Em A Em Em Em



-5. Titled *-

[intro]
Unsure
but
some funny things
are happening

Im not so sure
what I should
be feeling

Kind of
a happy
feeling [instru]

Comfortable
different
Interesting
yet simple
[ 2 chord instru]

Is it going well?
Or am I
making it
go wrong too quick
[instru]

Slow is
what I think
now should be

Abit afraid
I might
slip or spoil
NOW

Afraid to
appear
uninteresting
boring

Perhaps I feel this way (x3)
coz im only human


Chords:
Am, G, F. (in general)



-9. Nothing Now-

[C] Nothing i can do will change you now.
Nothing u can do will move me now
Nothing we shud do shud be done now
coz nothing, nothing is left of us now

V1. And i shud have known
before we begun
i shud have known
what we'd become
i shud have known

when u left
the first time
i shud've gone
and not stopped time

[C] Nothing i can do will change you now.
Nothing u can do will move me now
Nothing we shud do shud be done now
coz nothing, nothing is left of us now

V2. And you moved to another town
i dont know where u are
i moved to yr corner street
and you havent noticed so far

and then u left
a second time
i wudve gone
but not this time


Chords: F3, E, D



-10. Hope-

V1. do fa mi do

do fa so fa mi re do

la la ti do

do re fa so


V2. do fa mi do

do fa so fa mi re do

so so la ti la so so fa so


Bridge:

fa mi fa

fa so fa me re do

fa mi fa

fa so fa mi so re do

fa mi fa

fa so fa mi re do

so la la ti la so fa so


Bridge 2:

fa la la so fa so

do do fa fa so fa mi re do

do do re

re me fa mi

do do re

re mi fa so mi


[repeat V1]

V3. do fa mi do

do fa so fa mi so re do

fa so la la fa fa re do fa mi fa


Chords:

Verse:
F, Am, Bb C

Bridge:
D, C, D, C, D, C, Bb, C

Bridge 2:
Am, C, D, Am, Bb, C, Bb, C

Last Verse:
F, Am, Bb, C, F



-11.The Night Of You-

V1. Sometimes it’s hard
to say some things
Like tonight
I miss you

V2. I lie awake
In the dead of night
Crying
coz of you

[C] I try to read
I try to sleep
Eat my favourite fruit
Try to watch
My favourite show
And not think of you

V3. But nights like these
the pain will stay
alone
in my bed

V4. My face still wet
From all the tears
No one
here to help

[C]

[Repeat V1]


Chords:

G, D, Am, D7
...in her head again.......

Woke up and practised guitar and piano. I need to work on my playing for both the instruments alot more. I have three new originals, which makes my nineth, tenth and elevnth composition. HAHA. But technically it's 6 done, and two in progess and three still left as proses.

I went to watch koff koff at earshot just now. Coincidentally, he is Law's friend, and that would mean he's Jeff's friend as well. Jeff has grown fatter! Hahahah! And so so coincidentally, law's other friend who came along, brought a girl, who is his gf, and that girl happens to be my school senior from KC! Wow. SMALL WORLD MAN. So it turned out that the handful of us who were there all knew each other thru each other. LOL.

I met Eldred for a bit at kopi bean tea leaf at douby, and then we made our way back when they were closing.

I'm on a self-angry mode now. Really. I'm close to self-destrusting as well. It's like it's all bottled up inside, and i'm refusing to let it out. Keep feeling like doing smth bad to myself. and it so happens Eld gave me funny ideas unknowingly. But of coz I wont la. BAH.

Walked alot today. From earshot to rendevous, from his bus stop back home. And WOW, I even bought him the wrong mopiko. Im so damn fucking useless. But the walk was good. I really needed to be alone and just WALK it out.

Things are better with Pat now.

mel, so blardy mothet fucking useless.


I really need you. But i musnt be selfish.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

oh yeah dont worrie im feeling better now :) got into the mood to practise so ive been practising my originals on guitar and piano, and working on three new songs! That would make 11 priginals now heeee WHEE.. ok fine, 8 origianls tht have tune LOL hahaha... i gtg.. see ya! :)

practising for gig seems abit more difficult..i winder why.. i mean as in, not a problem but some weird phobia hahaha ciao!
HOHOHO! Our very own Charles on U TUBE! :)

say say say!!!

Charles Lim - Lover, You Should've Come Over


Charles Lim - Autum Leaves


Charles Lim - Wonderwall (Esplanade Waterfront March '06)


Charles Lim - Delicate ( this was i think a very very long time ago) hahaa
...in her head again.......

It's 4.45pm. I just woke up. This feels terrible.
I only know that im gonna be practising for gig today, work on my new compositions, and maybe go somewhere and watch a gig again tonite or smth.

Last night was really bad. I found myself so upset that I stayed up till morning to watch a DVD, instead of sleeping. I was avoiding my own breakdown, which happened anyway right after I closed my door to sleep. I don't know exactly what i was crying about, but all I knew is that it was all these pent up lousy feelings I had inside about myself, about things... I cried till daybreak. I picked up my guitar, and simehow came out with a pretty nice rift, and some lyrics from within, and within secs, a half done new song was out. This kinda inspiration only seems to come at moments like these. Quite frustrating. But it was a good thing though, coz the tears stopped flowing after I started playing...

kinda feels terrible when u realise ure not important...

its just me bashing myself... maybe.

It's been such a long time since I cried. really.

ok, im gg off now.
Guess today hasnt turned out so well.
Woke up, and after practising some songs and all, felt tht i needed to go out and go watch some gigs, coz i felt miserable at home. Msg a few people and in d end Kalai and I met up and did some walking around after dinner. Espy's gigs were the cultural shit, which was fucked up. So we walked to Blujaz and watched matrix; of which kalai knows the drummer and the pianist. They are damn good.

Im feeling like shite now. Just after getting his msg. Coz besides that, tonite some things made me mad. James is leaving tmr. It was his last day at blujaz today and i didnt even noe. Hes going back to myanmmar tmr. :( WHAT?!?!!?!?!? But WHY. He said his visa has expired and hes heading home..... : ( What is Blujaz without James??? He and aunty betty and the two uncles and of coz Aileen play the significant roles, but james has been D PERSON...im quite =( . And they rearranged the seats and everything.. now it looks weird.

The pianist from matric, shared with us how he came from a broken family and had no money to study in berklee, in his younger days. He was like me now, and wei and charles, all aiming for tht berklee dream. He had to work like every other person, climb tht blardy corporate ladder, and earn after how many yrs, JUST SO THT he can finance BOOKS from berklee. And he studied them and used them in his piano playing.

That got me quite agitated inside.

Came home, and did more practising. I cant play. i really sound like shite.

And then i was onlin randomly looking at stuff and trying to focus on practising somemore, but obviously didnt work.. and then Harri was in a mood as well, i felt quite pissed off...and then his msg came in.

u noe what world? TO HELL WITH ALL OF YOU, FUCK YOU.

oh yes. forgot to mention, my cantor ministry has some dumb rules btw.
I dont care if i cant cantor ok? Since im not allowed to miss practise, and just learn from the recording online and from the score, then fine, i wont cantor. I tell u i can still do it without gg for practise, and learning by myself.. but NOOOOOOOO. damnit, fine then. Dont slot me. I have less work to do then. Argh.
... we were msging...and he said maybe he'll see me next weekend, coz he has alot of things to do this weekend... again i think i disappointed myself.. my spirits just fell immediately coz it hurt so much. Its not tht i mind tht he has lots os things to do, but i was looking forward to even if its just an hr for dinner at his plc on sundays like how sometimes we just have no time we'd do tht... ouch. i was telling harri tht i missed him. Just looking forward to him coming out this whole week... not tht it is any of his worry tht i shud miss him... ouch.

isnt it crazy how one person can make u so happy and so sad?

i was just thinking of tickling him like mad when i see him this weekend, and then he'll give this laugh and this wide smile on his face when he cannot tahan the tickle, and he'll cringe and all his muscles will tighten and he'll keep telling me to stop... haha.. i was hoping i cud watch him to sleep again... and hug him like i always do...
oh well.. looks like its gonna be a very unbearable weekend.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Last night I wrote two entries into my jorunal before sleeping. So I shall write soem of it here; the less personal stuff. Technically it was morning when I slept, coz I was listening to Damien Rice over and over and over again, which I will explain in a bit.

Hope I start work at Liquid Kitchen soon, Ive not been "not-working" for such a long period of time before. It is rather painful and sad really. Wayne is pending on my gramo request, which Im terribly unsure off becoz of money reasons...but I'll let God guide me in his direction. The next few days will decide which place I go to.

Felt terribly lonely last night. It was quite an awful feeling. Thats how all the u tube videos ended up on my previous entry. But I was also doing research for the gig.

I miss him alot. a l o t.

Ohh.. the rest of this entry is too privtae... bleah.

Next entry:

Remember I had a task for myself some time back, to listen to every track in my mp3 player? Hahah I would love to say Ive completed it, but it's proven difficult, especially now. Haha Ever since I've received 9 Crimes, I've gone into Damien Rice Lock Mode. I'm listening to his new album, old album and all his other singles over and over and over again. Ive researched on his videos, his pictures, his history, and that includes Lisa Hannigan's. Lol. I really love her vocals, so controlled, so gentle, so precise on emotion button, yet not too forced not too loud. Shes beautiful too. I'm hooked onto this duo's music. Die.

I've been listening to Rachael Yamagata alot too, since my new found love for her. Hahaha. But now Im making an effort to listen to the other artists I have on my player. it's athlete for this moment.

Ive started writing and composing again. I completed my nineth original " Nothing New", which was only lyrics at first. Now theres a tune! And I have another without lyrics, just a tune, but I like it alot. Rachael inspired me. heh.

I have a dream and I hope one day this dream will be reality. it's half way there now... no it isnt about my music . I wana cover all the duets between Damien Rice and Lisa Hannigan, with my Damien Rice. Coz I really love the charisma between them and his songs are beautiful. So I'll wait till my Damien Rice finally agrees to it one day. I know he hates doing covers, and he prob wont agree to it, but one day, maybe, for me? hahaha. What say you, eh?

Ana:
Hey gurl, ive sent emails to a couple of friends for the melbourne stuff.. cud u get back to me on budget pls? thanks gurl...realised i have other friends who can help too besides charlles and jw.. remember sean i mentioned tht time.. and meliza is still there.. hollie used to study in monash there so i think she mite be off help too.. okie.
Here are the videos of (1)the songs i did at the previous gig (original artists), (2)some nice damo videos i found, (3)and a few more vids of songs i plan to do... (4) and some random nice others..

(i so love the girl who plays cello for Damo.. and seriously how does Lisa sing like that...wow. ) *PLEASE DO WATCH the radio interview, set tht Damien Rice did.. thts really good stuff.*


(1):

Howie Day - Collide


Roberta Flack- Killing me Softly


Carpenters- Rainy Days and Mondays


Natalie Imbruglia- Torn ( i like this version!)


Corrinne May- Fly Away


Damien Rice + Lisa Hannigan- Older Chests


Damien Rice + Lisa Hannigan- Volcano





Damien Rice + Lisa Hannigan - Cold Water




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(2):

Damien Rice + Lisa Hannigan - Eskimo Friend ( This is superb..its the nicest version ive heard and seen)


Damien Rice + Lisa Hannigan - Elephant!!!!! (dont mind the video...it discos man..)

this one ie better...



Damien Rice and Lisa Hannigan at the radio station! (reccomended to watch, he does amie, insane, creep, volcano, eskimo friend, be my husband aka lisa's, and a few other songs.. this is relatively long.. but its damn gd live..)


Damien Rice - Accidental Babies


Damien Rice + Lisa Hannigan (Vicar Street Dublin August 2006) (sorrie im too in love with this duo)




Damien Rice + Lisa Hannigan - Blower's Daughter (Dublin)


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(3)
(ok back to the new songs im gonna do)

Kiss Me - Six Pence Non The Rihcer









Norah Jones- Lonestar


Emi Fujita- Desperado

Tori Amos - Desperado


Carole King - You've Got A Friend ( this song is gonna be tough man. But shes a legend)

James taylor's version...

The New Heavies's version...nice funky one

Cliff Richard's version...


Aint No Sunshine- Amos Lee and Muthu

Wil Yooung's version...


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(4):

Gareth Gates and Wil Young - The Long and Winding road (Harmonising!!!! VERY NICE! Gareth sounds like a girl!!! damnit!)


Amos Lee- Colours ( one of my favs from him )
...in her head again.......

i guess its so easy for those who have someone around them, to fill the hole of emptiness and loneliness. u feel all alone, just turn to them, or spend tht lonely nite with them, cuddle up and feel olrite.

tonite, i sit alone, composing two new tunes on the piano. I read alone, I watch movies alone, and theres no one to talk to. I wish u were here tonite. i really really wish u were here tonite.
...in her head again.......

Argh. shdunt have gone out today. why cant i fight myself. but i felt so depressed today. staying home didnt feel right, heading out had sme "nice-ness" abt it, but i felt annoyed at myself for having gone out too.

damn you mel.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

haha im quite crazy over rachael yamagata now... shes so real.. in front of her fans, or thru emails. :) HWEE. hahahaa... im just glad that she is as real as any of us. I mean even thru her blogs, u can see, tht she goes thru alot of emotional stuff like us, and she doesnt write pretentiously..







...in her head again.......

I drifted thru the whole of today.
I can either5 choose to feel really terrible and crumble and cry, or be strong and stop the spiral from getting worse.

But after drifting thru today, I think i wud disappoint everyone to a high degree if i were to break down and give up.
I shud do the opposite and try again, even though ive fallen a thousand times.

You never fail to make me happy, to make me smile Your company comforts me, and the look in your eyes always warms me.

Maybe we do choose who to tell our little secrets to.
Sometimes it may not even be the person we think we wud tell it to.
But for me, I will always only be able to really open up to two individuals. Not even him. For I always fear he wont understand me, and will judge me like every single person does.

Felt better after meeting Charles. Always do. Just like Harriet. I love you both so much. You keep me warmer than warm. I cudnt ease up the whole day. But u both were there for me, when I needed you.

Freda, thanks for just lending me a shoulder to cry on, and not asking me a word at all. You knew that I was feeling down. I didnt have to say. Thank you. I know some of you felt my low spitirt, but Im sorry I just cudnt say a word. Ure eiether too important to me to hurt or trouble, or too unfamiliar with me for me to say anything.

He was there for me today when I was having trouble with the gig thing and jam schedules... he told me to be strong, and that meant so much to me.

Charles told me to be strong, and I appreciate so much that he never fails to lend me his support. never.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

...in her head again.......

Wana wish all students, all the best for the exams.
To the o level students, good luck good luck good luck
to the a level students, mug mug mug~!
to the international students, well, be smart!

ok im talking rubbish.

Basically, Stef, Mel and Joyce, are all having exams now... wana wish them all the best.. may the Lord be with them thru this.

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i suck. dont i.
The book Sam bought me.. Im reading it now.
First line of the first chapter, which happens to be Love, says : Love is not the stickiest glue that binds two people. Sex is.
=)


ME NEW DRESS! It looks kinda weird here. Gonna be wearing it with three quarter black pants... it looks wrong here, ahaha


The most delicious peanut cake!!! At the market were we first arrived in JB.


FIRST stamp on my NEW passport!!



ALL DAMIEN RICE LYRICS!!!!!!!!
http://artists.letssingit.com/damien-rice-8jc5c/discography
PLEASE check them out! Hes a genius!!
Tuesday, Oct 31st '06


JB DAY!!!!
These were the things I tot I would get in JB:

my mary janes shoes,
socks,
harri's little miss sunshine vcd,
belt,
watch,
slippers,

and i came back with none. HAHA. Instead I got myself a dress for christmas and gig. gosh. The exchange rate now is crazy. It was quite an experience taking the various buses to the customs and switching buses and all. My passport was a brand new one too : ) First time without daddy and mummy. It was quite interesting. Was there from 11-4pm, coz Ana's mum got tired. But it was enuff to see stuff. The market was the eye opener mostly. The food there was not bad, esp the peanut cake which was freshly-baked-hot.

I didnt bring much with me, so there were alot of things I cudnt get. But thts a gd thing, somehow. Shud be contented. ARGHH. Ana and I bithced of the woes of broke women. OHH POOR US. hahaa. Even in bugis today, we saw a thousand and one lovely things. NVM. They can wait.

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I realise that more often than not, its actually not you, who disappoints me. Its me who disappoints myself. My self expectations of you, never quite changed, and that my bad.So worrie not. :)
Ive started to understand u alot better now. And im happy about that. I can see alot of things yr way now, and the sky is alot clearer, in that sense. Theres a part of the sky that will stay greyish, but I have all the patience u need. I will climb mountains if u deem me need to.

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OMG. IM SO DAMN FAT.
how thw hell did this happen.farrk.
damn broke too man.
I needed the JB trip, and I dont regret it, but I kinda noe tooo,t hat I shud have just used tht money for my hiromi tix instead.
Well, gotta be responsible for my actions. HUR. oh-oh.

Im starting a new regime. no more chocolates. no more unnecc eating. more water, more fruits, more cereal, only bread with some butter.

more grooming, more discipline.

More proper rest, more practise.

OH and 20 crunches a day, 10 push ups a day.
im serious abt tht.

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Monday, Oct 30th '06

I was watching these awesome videos that Pat shared with me on U Tube from Rehearsals.com and i realised one thing abt music: It is a calling. And if u want to get better at it, you gotta keep practising, be persistant and patient at the same time because the journey of getting to where you want to be, is just as important. And more often than not, people think that you can just go on without much practise, and just rely on talent. No, thts wrong. Musicians who wana make it somewhere, gotta keep practising, keep being creative, keep working. practise and honing the craft is a never ending cycle. Its smth that MUST be done for serious musicians.Its a commitment. Rushing into things wont get u anywhere, and i realised personal habits will cause yr career downfall even. And in this case I mean music. Laziness, complacency, lack of focus, lack of patience, lack of creativity, lack of practise, which all clum together as ill discipline, which any one of us can have, are things that will jam the musical journey for real. It can jeopadise u. If in real life, ure not tolerant enuff, ure not focused enuff, whats there to make u in music?
What the videos taught me was this: If MUSIC is apparently what u really really claim to live so much, then nothing shud stop u from going all out to grab what u want. BUT IF u rely only on talent, the brain has all these ideas, and ideas are good. But these ideas have no way of being materialised, because ure not skillfull enuff, to bring out these ideas onto the instruments, then ure no better than one without.
Im not arrowing this at anyone, but rather myself. I sat there and watched the vids with Pat last night, and realised so much abt me that needs to be worked on, for my better, and for the better of my true passion : music. My one true love, not romantically but personally, is to sing. And that would mean I shud be practising daily my vocals, i shud be trying out new songs all the time, to see what im good at. I shud be trying to learn to play them. So many things. I watched Imogen Heap on rehearsals. com,a nd she uses a synthesizer to LOOP HER VOICE, and record+ perform her tracks live. It was mind blowing to just WATCH HER do that u know?!
With music, i gotta be patient, i gotta be heardworking, i gotta heva never-say-die attitude. I gotta learn and be willing to try out new things. It needs commitment, and a whole lot of focus, discipline, determinationa nd patience. Im so afriad now. FEAR, is the one thing tht holds us back all the time. I realise ll these points are things I need to get working on.

So, there are THREE P'S: Patience, Persistance, Practise. But let me add five more please: Perseverance, Prioritise, Passion, Positiveness, and Prayer.

The videos taught me that, with music, u have self discovery along the journey to where u want to get to; be it a great singer, a great song-writer, great lyricists, great composer, and the list goes on. But everyone will discover things abt themselves. Music is so personally-connected. I think Ive made my first most important discovery after all these months. And besides all these points, Humility and the willingness to listen to critic is also so crucial.

I guess "REAP WHAT U SOW" really becomes even more logical now. It cud be with saving money, it cud be with practising, it cud be with just abt everything in life. The vidoes also taught that, u shud practise till it comes a point, ure so damn good at home, when u go out and perform in front of others, people simply go WOW. And they have no idea how many hours of musical labour went into it. And I totally understand that feeling.I guess it cud even be as simple as taking vitamins every morning for example.

Im affected. Greatly. And I have done up a DISCIPLINE mind map that I dont wish see go to waste. So Ive made some adjustments. Hopefully these adjustments,w ith time, will see some resutls. And even with people, music teaches u to be more understanding, more open hearted and mature, esp with the people around you. And Ive already begun to understand those close to me even more.

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How is it that i always dont know anything? am i that dumb?
Wonder how I'll do in this job. Oh yeah, im starting work with liquid kitchen next week. (And i'll save u guys from all the insecurities i rambled into my book, coz its an swful lot), so yea, sometimes its weird. We wana do so manyt hings when we have little time, yet bum when we have too much time. Irony of it all.
Ive alot of doubts yet alot of determination.
Please pray for me, for my patience and my aim to reach my goals. I have set out a savings plan for many things if this goes all well.
I realised with all the things that happened to me, ive become easily irritated, or too hurried, too anxious. I really gotta learn tolerance and patience.
I will make myself a better person again. Someone I can be proud of again. I want to and will reach my goals. I will see resutls at the end of the long road.
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I checked Berklee and Monash Uni's scholarships. Theres really no way that I will be exceptionally gifted as a musician, in their own words, to get in. Scholarships has never been my second name. If it ever is, it'd prob take another twenty yrs.
I really want to study music. I need the basics. Theres no way im gonna be able to write good music without . Shit.

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Why is it every book I read, every story remind me of us.
But
with that said, I am very proud of the US today. Nothing is perfect, but working at it is enuff for me. I love you.

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