...in her head again.......

Today had momentary lows, self given stress, but overall was fabulous :)

I shud be contented

extra content too personal to blog. TOO BAD. hahaaa

Love, mel

...in her head again.......

blardy stupid blogger wont farking post my damn entries.

----
heres something nice and optimistic! wei likes this alot!!!

=)
sunny days
sweeping the clouds away
on my way to where the air is sweet
can you tell me how to get
how to get to sesame street

come and play
everything's a-okay
family neighbors friends
that's where we meet
can you tell me how to get
how to get to--

sunny days
sweeping the clouds away
on my way to where the air is sweet
can you tell me how to get
how to get to sesame street

come and play
everything's a-okay
family neighbors friends
that's where we meet
can you tell me how to get
how to get to sesame street
how to get to sesame street
how to get to sesame street
how to get to sesame street


anyone feeling nostalgic? hehee

...in her head again.......

Saturday, Oct 28th '06

Cereal-tea for breakfast everyday has become delicious.

And i realised sometimes we tell the least to those we love, coz we dont want to hurt them, and not becoz they dont mean enuff to us, so we dont tell them things.

And sometimes becoz they are burdened enuff, and so we dont want to burden them further.

But sometimes they'll be one or two persons we're willing ot share everything with, becoz we know they will be able to handle us, somehow.

Friday, Oct 27th '06
(written at different points of the day)

It is exactly three weeks since I lost e kinderland job. No one else to blame and persecute other than myself.
Wake, and besides thanking God for another day, look at myself and curse and swear. Another damn day waking at the average time of 3pm, and sleeping at the average time of 4am, and realise I lie awake, unable to fall asleep, either because Im not tired enough, or because Im thinking too much. It's again my fault. Yet, I dont feel as healthy as I shud.

The mid-life-crisis saga continues. ##.

--------

Went to Sketches at Bugis to apply for part-time work. I hope to get it. Five days a week was my request. Any shift at all is fine. I went to Intercontinental and Raffles Hotel to ask for singing auditions/ slots, but they had none. I'll prob go call more hotels tmr or smth.
I was intending to apply at TCC (as they did advertise some days back), but I realised I can't do coffee places, due to previous fears at previous f&b places.

Got an unexpected call from Ana, and she was just one mrt stop away, so I met her at Gloria Jean's Coffee at Raffles City's new basement area for some chit-chat and scones (only two dollars!) : ) The extended basement area is really pretty and has some really gorgeous shops.
And right there, at G.J's Coffee, I bumped into Yunwen again!! We were like stalking each other or smth man! hahaha. She works there as well! ARGHH. And I was whispering to Ana " Hey tht girl's quite cute." And then I realised I know that gurl! SO EMBERASSING. Yunwen is amazing. She's juggling this part-time job, with a life-sciences company office job, and SCHOOLl; i think smu or sim i forgot. She's not been juggling too well, though. Coz she hasnt been to school in two months! Sheesh... but still, remarkable stamina. Kinda reminds me of the time I juggled three jobs. I cudnt breathe.
wow. Life is tough. That's the reality of things.

I had a really good time with Ana, though it was only one hour. I guess sometimes good friends don't need a whole day to catch up, coz u click so much, time seem so much slower, somehow. Shes alwasy a joy to be around. Really happy she never gave up on me since poly days. Not really, I guess. But still I really treasure her. She was as pretty as always today, with a different hair-do, and clothes and all. I think it's the confidence she has that makes her look good too.
*We discussed a 2008 plan. This is quite serious actually. I'm pretty keen on it, but we never know where life takes us. But if i dont get to uni, it's work for the next yr, and off to melbourne in 2008 with her. We'll be there for four months first, then maybe longer if she finds work there. She's gg there to finish up her last semester of her degree which she is taking here (it's a monsh uni degree). It'll be four months (her semester). I want to go there to work, soak in the culture, and see if I like the life there more. Coz like her, and many of the friends I have, I'm honestly getting extremely sick of the life here. I wana be away, I waan go see other places, be it thru uni life, or thru staying there, coz I am sure life in different countries really is a different feel altogether. At least it aint so rat-racey. York sounds so good. Chicago too. But Im pretty happy settling with Melbourne or Perth or Sydney. But so far, many friends's families are there, so I think it'll be a good choice to head there. Anyone wana join us? Im pretty much going.
Soon , Jw will be g for hols, maybe back to Melb too, and Charles will prob be heading home too for a while or to Berklee for schl. Sean's family is in Melb too, and so are Jw's relatives, family0friends. Holly's got friends there too.
Can u tell how sick I am of this place? No opporunities, no proper air to breathe.

-------

The new Damien Rice album, is quite a disappointment. I find O so much better. After discussign with different people, we all agree that he didnt seem so inspired this time. Only a few tracks were nice.

------

I met an old colleague, Kaiwen, from Cartel, on the mrt back. She just re-started work with Cedele today. She was jobless for over a month. She got real sick of the cartel system, and apparently many of the old timers are leaving cartel too. Yikes.
We can all feel the difficulty of surviving man, esp when some of us are just not so fortunate.

The unexpected catch-up with Ana today, did perk me up though. It made me remember that life is still quite beautiful and that there is still value in life.

------

I finally realised that I force my vocals toooo much. I shouldnt force them when I sing. I shud relax more.

----

Went to church for the Taize session, which was okish, and then we headed to d airport swensens for supper. I ate fruit salad for supper : ) Hahahaa. Proud of myself!
It was very nice for a change just to have some outside time with choir members, esp big Sam. Sam was very very sweet to me today. I was really touched. For the first time evr, he did the pat-you-on-the-head thing, and it made me feel doted on by him, loved. Dont underestimate the power of simple things like hugs, pats and all. They show alot. Sam has never really shown affection in such a way. I was very touched. And then he did something that totally " melted" me. We walked into this bk store, and he asked me what books I like to read. I replied " Literature, philosophy. I dont really like fiction". He was noticeably surprised. Then he said to me " Pick two books." I was a bit confused, than I realised he wanted to buy me books. So I asked " Why Sam?" And he said to me " I just want to buy u smth, now hurry up."
And so the delighted, gladened little girl went thru five shelves of books, and picked out two lovely books. *aww*. I cudnt refuse. I knew that better than anyone. Refusing an offer from Sam, is being impolite to him. I was extremely touched. Of coz I wasnt tht drama queen who would have cried and all, but inside, i felt like i was. Becoz its been so long since someone wanted to buy me smth, just on the spot like that. Save for Charles's bday present which I hold dearly, and the t-shirts pat got me. But this was just different. Sam felt like a daddy tonight. We spoke a bit on the way home too.

After Lawr sent everyone home, he and i had a good talk at the carpark nearby my place. Im glad there are still daults around, such as Lawr and Sam, who are willing to open up, talk, share, with people around them, esp people younger than them. Not many do that these days.
Some of the choir members forget that for all Sam is, he is as human as any of us, and prob experienced all the shite that we have, perhaps far worse. I noe that he understands me.
Why are people so afraid of opening up? Of being vulnearable to people who know them? Would they think any lesser of them? if they themselves dont think lesser of themselves, no one shud ever dare to. Its respect.
I think allowing yrself to be vulnerable, is a strength and not a weakness, if u noe how to handle yrself properly.

----

People have different forms of escape. Some watch movies, some listen to music and watch movies, some spend their time organising stuff, or dressing up. Some surf the net aimlessly. Some talk to people about everything else other than what really matters. Some sleep. Some read. Mine lately, has been watching SCRUBS. Im almost done with season three. I think it teaches or gives insight on so many different matters of the real life.

Getting back to the topic of small talk, tonite's suppoer was one of them. Everyone's doing the hee hee haa haa thing, but u can see, facades and things, problems hidden under those fake smiles. Or at least those momentarily happy faces. Im not saying its wrong to be chatty and cheery with people who matter. there shud be times like that. But when theres such a rare opporunity to get together for makan, shudnt the topics be those that matter? Then again I may be wrong.

Olrite. Back to scrubs, music, and life.

----------

Happy Birthday Jared dear.
Happy Birthday Sammie kor.
Happy Birthday My dearest youngest cousin, Audrey. U will be your mrs cullum one day, in yr own way ok? U musical fart, you.

------

Pictures speak a thousand words...

...in her head again.......

I havent read lerp's blog in a while.. but all these yrs, ive known hes as real as any of us, and as loving as any of us. Pls do read his blog. Its as real as it can get, and inspirational too. btw. he put up some fucking awesome smashing pumpkin u tube videos, so go see. ( his link is under my links)

TONIGHT, TONIGHT.


I first heard this track, FIRST time, as a cover, by Charles. And to me, its a sweet sweet song. Wei loves it to bits. In fact, he said to me, i remember clearly at his dad's wake, lol, something that pierced right thru me as it always does : " I finally understood this song, when I met vivian." . U all can say anything u want, but like I told Pat, in terms of his dreams, his needs, his idols, and even the ones he feels alot for, I know MY BOY very well. Whether wei admits it anot is another issue altigether.

But this song is really good. Smashing Pumpkins has alot of great stuff, so go get MELLON COLLIE, coz I cant afford it right now. But they are fucking good.

...in her head again.......

U noe smth. All of you shud just tell me how bad I am.
Im not such a great vocalists as u all make me out to be.
I have a half tone deaf ear, always have probs pitching.
I have terrible control, still, and though I have so much emotion, I think sometimes I dont know which parts of the songs to make "dark" and which parts to be sharp and round.

Im pissed at myself. Getting too big headed for my own good. Im a nobody, nowehere, damnit.

Pat said I should do originals coz his take on covers is well, yeah, u noe.. we all noe, and its true. But besides that, I really have to keep working on my pathetic vocals. its a fluke i sing well, if i even do.

Pitchy, pitchy, pitchy MELLLL.damnit.

Someone plss flatten this blardy ego, till theres not even an ounce of air in it. Im getting complacent. TOO EARLY.

god forgive me man.

Charles taught me alot, so much so gerri commented that we blend well. I told her its coz we've been singing together alot. Hes pitch perfect. Hes musically inspirational. His high notes are not human. lol.

Pat says one thing no one can take away from me and charles even, is this : that emotion and that sincerity we have when we peform. He says he can feel that theres alot of heart in each song we do.

ok. gd nite.
I hope it wont take many yrs to be the LISSA I wana be. I'd like that to be my stage name really.

...in her head again.......

one third thru season three of scrubs.
it gives me some things to think about.

what the hell am i doing abt all this.
i should be practising or some shite like that now. isnt it.

argh.
trying to figure this out. one hand, im wanting it all so badly, then why do i seem not motivated enuff to do smth actual, abt it. why. damnit.

another gawd damn week gone.

I wish I was in a lovely place, quiet and serene, and just really sit down and write songs. I have no inspiration here. No scenery, no inspiration, no no feeling at all.


I really want to leave.

Met Fi at Bedok interchange for dinner. Bought groceries, did some talking at the playground and walked home.

Kalai just gave us the tracks recorded at earshot. Im awfully disgusted by myself. GREAT.

Thursday, Oct 26th 06

I would love to be a Lisa Hannigan.

I don't mind not having my own album, my own songs, if I get to be a Lisa Hannigan to one voice.

Hahah. But othert han that,I'd want to be a Rachael Yamagata, Fiona Apple or Corrinne May. LOL.

O . M . G.
I have 9 crimes sitting in my computer HURHURHUR. Charles is the KEWLEST SIA. hahaha.


Wednesday Oct 25th 06

Bumming. Wasting time. (unless deep in though then I may be inspired, so says charlie brown).

Totally bumped out on what work to do. Im just lost.
But this idling at home, is pretty much getting to me.

I'm so friggin screwed in the head. WTF am i gonna do.

Vera called to catch up earlier today. Shes prob tying the knot end of next yr. ISnt tht lovely. Ive seen her from the days she was wirth lerping to the days she was with SIA and thn to today, finally with Nich. :)

* Hiromi is coming back!! Jw Charles and I are gg!! =) Yay! Its on Dec 17- Concert, and workshops for bass drum and jazz piano on Dec 16!

Im foregoing corrinne may again for Hirmo. ANYTIME.

(Dec 17... if we're still together, it'd be two yrs anniversary. Wow. omg.where dd all that time go to. this half a yr flew by just like that.)

He's ORD-ing soon. March 07. And in march 05, Harri and I still remember sending him off at the tekong camp. Hahaa. My goodness. I remember at that time, how low he was, and how long he's have to wait, till two yrs was over. Now look at it. Wow.

*Corrinne May - Dec 16. Haha.

I bumped into Edo at cine leisure today.
I bumped into Yunwen at coffee bean.
I bumped into the guy frim beat merchants at the mrt station.
I met Ernie at NYDC. haha.
I bumped into the Baker's Inn butch at NYDC.

Other people grow up, knowing what they wana do with their lives, or at least work. SLowly after they study, they know. But Im like the two guys, we just wana do music. All I can answer each and everytime someone asks me " what do u like to do?" "singing". Yet, charles said smth tht made sense just now " monetary things or own musicality and technicality will get in the way." Shit like tht.

Oh No. It's Xmas already. WTF.
I do have some xmas pressies in mind already though. Ok maybe just two.

In the lift today, Harri and I overheard a gurl saying " that guy is 22. he better know what to do with his life man, like after graduation.. if not, dont tell me ... "
For the record, many people I know are lost at 25 yrs old even. Common gurl.


Yay Im gg for hiromi. Thanks wei, for intro-ing her to me. :) I may have missed a million bands live gigs, and i really do mean tht. All of you know how many ive missed and how many more i am missing, but at least I go for this. And Wei is much too kind.

So what do I really wana do? Hotel? f&b? Sing? go back to gramo? I wana sing in hotels. How How am i gonna. I doubt they'd take someone so young.

I feel like Im having mid-life crisis.

Season two of scrubs completed. YAY.

Im suddenly so sick of looking at my fat thighs, and my ugly fat face. Today's cheesecake was the last straw.

Had diarrhoa. Must be the mix of food again.

Sometimes I feel very much like an empty vessel, with nothing much to talk about.

Many other young people have far more enriching, interesting things to talk about. Take for example the three gurls overseas: Joycie and Mellie and Justs.
Joycie's been posting alot lately. I know she doesnt feel so good, but Im glad there are things there that are far more worth going thru.

Very very seriously, I want to go overseas, not just for holiday, but for school. I want a different experience altogether. I want a new life. even australia is gd enuff. I dont ask for too much. America would be gorgeous.

Berklee. Shud I? Can I? Im not charles. I dont know.

Last night's first attempt to sleep , failed. So I got up, and went to watch another four episodes of scrubs, which brings me to 15 episodes and couting!

Erm, I had the worset nightmares of all nights, last night. I woke up at 10am, and I swear I felt like crying. Ever dreamnt of being murdered?! That tot itself is scary, feeling the person cut you, by knife, and the "murderers" coz there were three in total, were all the closest people to me. Freakish isnt it.

I went back to sleep, and woke up a few hours later.

...in her head again.......

Got so bored, I started watching scrubs. ( Yea, managed to get it to work on the comp, and on pat's laptop, Charles :] ) . Pat has been really awesome, and Ive watched season two till episode 11. I relate to quite a bit of the stuff in there. Some people I know dont like scrubs as much as grey's anatomy, coz they find it a bit cocky, but I think both shows bring out something different.

Well, anyway, its off to sleep soon.

Sometimes, it seems so real. But I gotta keep remembering it isnt.

Charles, where have u been man. hah

...in her head again.......

p/s: ive done up my myspace profiles again. ZSo they're all nice. friendster also.

erm, think i might change some stuff here, but when ideas are a bit more solid. i'll be getting down to doing a website proper soon. But till then.

Wei is back in camp. I hate the saf.

...in her head again.......

Another sucky public holday. Today was worse than yesterday. I went to sleep, with many looming thoughts which caused my sleepless night. I woke up this morning and sat there and thought even more.

Im lost. The public holiday sucks as it is. i was reading 8 days and getting more and more annoyed that these celebs get to become deejays just like that! Well, of coz Im sure they'll have to work hard. Lilin's gonna have a preschool, then a deejay slot, then shooting and what nots along with taking care of her kids. WOW.

U noe so far I have only succeeded in singing well for gigs, after i didnt have work. Its true what Wei said. He admires and respects the awesome artists who have day jobs, coz really many of us now agree that its so draining and straining to have a day job and try to do music at the same time. Theres just not enuff energy. Looks like not all of us can do this.

Me? Now i realise that maybe I dont want to be in so many ministries in church. I just want to find work I'd enjoy and still have time to keep sane aka do other stuff. I insist on it, im sorry. December is coming. Choir is gonna have caroling practices and performances. I cant take up something tht will leave me with no time. I have a gig coming up as well.

Im very very confused, coz on one hand, i'll just say " ok, just leave my sundays out". On the other hand, I have much I want to do. How and where am i gonna find part time work thts gonna let me work mon-thurs? Fri and sats i keep for blujaz and jams. Nothing wrong with tht i suppose. At most, I'd work fridays. I dont mind working some nights.

I am frustrated coz I know whats required at different f&b companies. hah, mel can only do tht sorta work. great huh. Its NOT THAT I DONT WANT TO WORK. Ive been worrying so much abt this and money that my nightmares are all back. I dream abt everyone and everything.

What a dry low from the high i had over the weekend. Too perfect, too good.

Deep down, somewhere in you, i know im still there.

I digress. Harri and I were so pms-ing again today. We said we'd go out for dinner. She usually sugguests and i usually wait for her to decide. So from tht, it went to lets call the others out. then ok lets go vivo city instead. oh no, lets go watch movie. oh today too ex. lets do tht tmr. then suddenly lets stay home.

We've been like this more and more these days. Its frustrating. Not her fault. Mine too. I should just go out on my own. But i dont really know go where. There are places definitely.

I have to get down to finding music work. Something's brewing inside, and im very edgy. Somethings telling me im meant for bigger things.

oh gosh. i cant begin to tell u how very stressed i am.

Here are two photos, from kalai's site... one old pic of my previous earshot gig, and another at art cafe open mic recently.

More photos from the gig day. some from wei, some from me, some from harri, and go to kalais site, theres more.

here are more photos on kalai's site.
http://heardrum.multiply.com/photos/album/42

...in her head again.......

Im PMS-ing right at this moment. Of coz not like real PMS-ing. But thats the term Chelle used that day for a bad mood. Harri is feeling like shite right now as well, so shes gone to sleep. I feel like crap too. Its today, how pathetic-ly we spent it, and then came home and just felt like what the.

what am i thinking.
its all too good to be true. ah there im just being too hard on myself.

sorri im toking absolute gibberish now.

Yea, so i entertained the crowd tht nite. The general consensus was approving. But ive so much to work on. My stage banter, as confident as I MAY have sounded, still was crap. But of coz i didnt feel as uneasy as the first time.

Some people cried during my gig. But tht aside, are my song choices bad? I need to work on articulation, ok i got tht. I need to work on volume control. Eld says I cant speak in front of people. Ok. I dont now how to handle the stage well yet. I tried.

Ive been thinking ewhat do i wana do with my life? Why is it im not looking into the classifieds and applying for anything anymore? I realise im not cut out for any of those jobs there. I know I need to start working again NOW. But smth is stopping me.

I applied for radio. I really wnat it. Eld told me i cant do it.
Nvm tht. Its a dream.
I really wana sing everyday. But can I really do it? Will i be able to handle it?
Am i meant to be a paid artist/singer/performer or am i supposet o treat it as my sideline hobby?

nai just said to me tonite, to stick to singing.
I dont know what i want to do other than sing. I tot i wanted to teach, and now after workign at it, its out of the picture.
ure all gonna find me doing a f&b job after this.
Its got nuttin to do with church anymore. I mean, its not one of the reasons. its just, what else can i do??

Coming back to my music, I really really wana go further. I wana apply for music school. I have no financial means, but maybe its worth a shot. I cant go on without learning basic music stuff. I cant write songs for shit nuts. amanda is good.

there are many talents out there. Just within the local circle, there are so many different voices, im really nothing.

how else can i improve?
really moody right now. pics coming up.

OMG.
Public holidays are SO BORING.
what the hell are all of u doing.

All the photos from lasr night's Sofa Sessions 2 (Oct 21st) Earshot Cafe! Copyright of Harriet Koh and Elvin Lim. : ) Thanks guys.