Bus 31

You have a long relationship with me, bus 31.
I knew you when I was 11, and I have taken your bus route for the last 10 years.
You have seen me thru my upper pri schl life, sec schl life, my poly life, and now my working life.
If there's any bus I've taken most, it's you. Schl days, back and forth marine parade, twice everyday. The journey I remember, was 45 mins to tampines. Today I can close my eyes and know exactly which part of the bus route i'n on.
Then for a while, I didnt take your bus tht regualrly, coz I was in poly. I took u mostly to mandarin gardens for church meetings, or parkway for meals. But I started frequenting you alot while I was in love. I became a resident of marine parade even at one point, and I knew all the buses tht were along the same route. I knew tht bus stop outside laguna park especially well. I knew the bus stop outside blk 58 esp well too. For the period of one and a half years, I took yr bus so often to go to my ex bf's place. I recall , haha, many times running after you. I have stopped at all the bus stops of your bus route by now I figure! I used to stop before bedok, to go to OEPS to teach too. I stopped outside temasek jc abit too. But of coz the most being outside the two KC bus stops, and then parkway. His place prob might just have beaten that.
NOW, I take you to work everyday to marine parade library. What can I say. Every morning and evening, the bus ride, is a playback of my entire life, each stop, depciting a different story, a different stage of my life that the bus shared with me over the years. But I hate especially stopping at the last bus stop, before turning to head to bedok......your old place, that I'd never need to go to again.
We started and ended at your old place. Your chapter closed when you shifted.
Bus 31, I guess I'll be taking your bus route for many more years to come. Who knows they'll be a new story to tell on one of your bus stops i stop at in future.




appreciate the convo tonite , charles.

"we're just two lost souls, swimming in a fish bowl, yr after yr"

maybe we're just so confused..........

and I feel like ive lost a gd friend again...it was all inevitable...

like as if it has all come true now...i just hope the friendship wud pull thur this rough time and tht he wud realise it means alot still. I know i'd always be there even if i do nothing but give more weight to his life.

remember how i said, u can never say the worst has happened to u? coz i honestly believe now tht it can never be the worst, coz everytime something even worse happens.

this is really how cruelw the world is.

i find it so hard to breathe...so much weighing down on me..and im suppose to stan thru this whole thing.

If my character dies, before the curtains close, pls dont blame me for writing a poor script.

Im really very tired.

It's too late in the night to regurgitate four days worth of diary entries that I wrote in my notebook. I just want to say that I had a great weekend thanks to Harri and her family, which includes Simon of coz, and choir, and I'd like to highlight that Harri and her mum really showed love and care and cooked for me and all, and that I'm deeply touched. Cassandra really helped me out during choir, and i needed that alot.

Other than those highlights, i'll save you from the depressive stuff, because i have been feeling most terrible. First supposed day at work and I had high fever. I had no choice but to go back to rest and I ended up sleeping the entire day, afterwhich I still felt twerrible. Patbought dinner (thanks pat), and I had taken one day and one night of panadol thus far. I couldnt hold back all the bottled up feelings and I cried before he got home. If I don't let it out this way, i can't find any other way to do so. I believe that I'm suffering from depression again, becasuse no amount of temporary happiness keeps me happy. My head is constantly somewhere else, swimming in thoughts and memories of jw that I cant get rid off. The pain is still very fresh and much too obvious to try to brush aside. I don't blame my friends for wanting to be away from me, becoz i cant even tolerate myself anymore. I'm sorry for putting u all thru this. But I hope you understand too. Besides him, im so tired, all this job changing, this job has so much to learn and i have to pick it all up in the next four days, Im overwhelmed and it scares me. Im tired...of everything, I really wish again for the darnest time I have a good holiday , a good break. All this suporting myself, all this tryignto ehal from the heart break, trying and kinda pushing myself to do my gig, coz these sorta opportuinities dont come knocking everyday, but havint the lack of motivation to do it, becoz my heart is so empty now...i only wana do it becoz it's always been a dream...but when he left, he really took everything away. I left with him, almost entirely. ALways sick, and always trying to fidn things to make me happy.

But maybe this new job will occupy me completely, and i will get busy again this week onards with choir events coming up, cantoring, retreat...hopefully it'll ease the pain..and hopefully, i'll be able to focus, if not, it's equally bad.

I knew i shudnt have sent tht sms. But i was crying and I really needed to talk or hear from someone. I have been feeling most weird now tht i do not have tht physcial comfort anymore. When im down, or tired...i can no longer go to him, and hug him, cry in his arms, and immediately feel that no matter how bad it is, theres someone there. And no one's embrace feels the same anymore. When he was ard, waking up in the morning was alot easier, gg to work was alot easier, i always had him to look forward to...tht day the bus passed suntec, and i saw us back then running round the fountain and picnicing there. When we were at earshot cafe, I realised he was there in the afternoon. When we were on the way back to Harri's, i realised I cudnt go to blujaz tht nite coz he was there. When we sat on 36, i remembered the ge-zillion times he sat next to me on tht same bus, and same bus ride. When Harri and Simon were home with me, they were so loving and they always connect on all levels, which is smth jw and i never had..I was happy for them, but honestly wondered what went wrong with us...

I miss tht love very much.

And on the 28th Sunday, Weijin and Angel celebrated their 3 1/2 yrs anniversary! Congrats !!! : ) And Weiyi and Stef celebrated their 10th Mth anniversary! Wow..siblings have the same anniv dates with their gfs...

"So..here I am...sad and free...I cant cry..and I cant see... what went wrong..Oh god, what have i done?"

ok i shud get gg, hopefully the nitemares dont come, hopefully i can sleep, hopefully the fever will go off tmr...

ure no longer ard, for me to share all the happy things..so whats the point in anything anymore?

Yeah sure i have new friends, or accquaintances, sure I have a new job, a gig coming up, a choir to go to, a brother, harri, but who will fill tht spot uve left?

P/S: cd list updated

I am soaked with inspiration tonight. I feel like just jamming right now, all these songs that have come to my mind.

First, it was the American Idol Results show that just got me gg "higher" with each performance by the stars themselves, and Taylor, whom Ive always put at high regard. Clay Aiken made an appearance and the sight of him was enough to make me go mad.

Then, I chance upon a Corrinne May Interview with Lisa Ang, that I saw long time ago.
She beczme my muse early this yr, and I practised profusely to master my fav of all her songs, JOURNEY.

Then, Whilst listening to my mp3s on the laptop, I go to Gerri's blog, and see tons and tons and tons of music videos. She's online with me, and she starts sending me more. TORI AMOS, LIVE. Ive always known this woman, this artist, this inspiration of Claire's and Gerri's, but I never liked her becoz of her scarlet's walk album. But I knew her, thru Stef Sun's fourth album. gerri had BOTH Tori's and Stef's videos on her blog. SO. I watched tori's live videos, and the inspiration came. Beautiful live performance. Her sensuality, her way of talking, her calmness, like a bomb, her voice that just soars with the air in tht room, was gorgeous. She's alluring.

She had Stef Sun's videos as well, with this jap gurl, and Stef sounds great in Englush, it's true. She's ALWAYS sounded great to me! =) Vidoes on the way!

OKKK *deep breath*. I told Harri,s uddenly there's SO MUCH I want to do again, adn I have the drive. It feels good, like when yre fsith in God suddenly starts stirring up again. It's that same spiritual "wetness" U feel, but this time it's simply INSPIRATION.

My latest obsession?? U TUBE VIDEOS.


Tori Amos, Live, "Silent all these Years"


Tori Amos, Live, "Desperado"


Tori Amos, "Winter"


Tori Amos, "Thousand Oceans"


Mai Kuraki Tonite I feel Close to you (with Yanzi)


My Story Your Song - Mai Kurika and Yanzi


and for some gd chinese stuff:
郭美美(guo mei mei)(Jocie) 爱是你眼里的一首情歌


karen mok - ru guo mei you ni


OMG...im just so so inspired. English side, Chinese side. What have I been doing??? I soo need to get back on track. I must be good in both. I must be good in folk and jazz too. OMG. Ive got so much to do.

I willf idn more videos of my muses.

p/s: my dvd and vcd list has been updated heh : ) Guess there won't be many updates in a while... : ( But I shall be a regular at gramohpone!

"Go, to the end of the road, ...." -boyz 2 men

Hey guys..Today was my last and final day at Gramophone. I left on a good, solemn, happy, sad, relieved, delighted, nostalgic note. It also marks the end of this chapter, the chapter, tht really needs to be closed and done with. Today marks the day I promised myself, that along with this great job, yet unfortunately not so great pay, I will also close the chapter on us. I can already bet that I'd probably still be talking abt him and thinking of what the fuck happened, but the chapter still needs to be closed. I will return his things by this weekend, and start a new notebook, along with my new job that commences on Monday, 10am. First stop ain't even the office man. Firs stop is Milenia Walk's Starbucks, to meet my senior colleague and our clients. She asked me if I was free today and tmr to meet them, but I really would appreciate a start on Monday instead.

Well, I planned a bit of my entry again today, (as I always do..the thoughts just come to my mind and I jot it down as smth I want to blog about), and I reflected on the many jobs I've had since 17. I think I've gained alot from these jobs. I started off with the simple part time job, learning things abt work etiquette and work politics. Then with slightly more demanding part time jobs, I picked up things abt work efficiency and how it was directly related to keeping yr job. By the time I was done with Poly, I knew all these. Then I went ont to temp jobs, where I learnt how to deal with unreasonable bosses and work stress. ( I think this bit we continue to learn with the new poeple we meet at work). I started taking up full time jobs , and I learnt how we have to accept jobs for the way they are, and the demands of a job, no matter how unhappy you are (until u resign). After trying teaching, and being with Gramophone the last two months, I'm happy that I've definitely learnt smth from each job I took up.

Yesterday, I signed the contract for the new job, and it felt good. I was briefed by the girl I'm taking over (Eunice; who has been with them for a yr, but moving on to an events company), and the people there have been nice so far ( and i do know some of them already, kinda). I went to Holy Fam with Harri and her family for ascension mass. We went back to her plc and met simon downstairs for dinner. I enjoyed that hearty neal. Her mum and her make me feel like family, and from the very very ends of my heart, if there is such a thing, I couldn't and can never describe how grateful I am towards them and how happy i feel to have them in my life. She has been there so much and has been so understanding, I know I will give up my life for her. I love her and her mum like my own, and to me her mum has always has the place of a godmother in my heart. She has always cared for, loved and taken cared of me like a godmother. My godmother doesn't do that. Aunty Constance, Harriet, thank you very much. Aunty helped to cut my fringe too, and it felt lovely just standing there and letting her cut my fringe. I felt like a little girl again, standing in front of mummy, letting her cut my fringe with all that trust I have in her.

I watched a bit of Grey's Anatomy at her plc, and also Aamerican Idol. It was fun being at her place again just doing the home things. I went off early, for supper with Patrick and Sean and their friends at simpang. My only reason for going was to see Sean again. He's the only one from my past left, that I still have a soft spot for. And if I were given a chance, I would like to be with him. But in the same breath, with that much said, I am fearful, because I fear ruining another friendship, I fear losing another important friend, and I dare not make any rash moves. I can tell tht he is still fond of me somewhat, but I am too afraid tht once u make the next step, u ruin everything coz it doesn't turn out the way u want it to. Also, I may just be rebounding now tht I don't have anyone. I scolded myself for being so quick to want someone else (or something new). I do not know If i really do. Maybe, maybe not. Maybe Im tired of waiting, and knowing tht I should move on. Maybe I need someone to love again. Maybe it's because I can no longer have someone. So, in more than a breath, I dare not proceed. I rather be like this for now.

I' ve been thinking lately, about how I shouldn't be so angry with him. I realised tho, that I can't bring myself to forgive him at this moment, for leaving me at such a bad time. I will not be able to for a long time to come. Coz it really caused me alot more difficulty to stand up when I was already so weak. More so, I can't forgive him coz he stayed with me, even when he was already not interested to. Even if it were to hurt me, I deserved to know earlier, or I deserved a good talk, rather than pretending to love me when uhe didn't anymore. It pains to read what I just wrote, necause I just don't believe how what we had and took paisn to keep,turned out this way. But I said I shouldn't be so angry with him, perhaps coz he had his own struggles, his own battles with himself, his own reasons..perhaps he was like me, unable to let go, coz there MAYBE was still smth, and yet wanted the other or smth much more, or many more things for himself. Ive been thru tht, I know how it feels. But he was far too brave, and Im sick and tired of his fickle-mindedness. Harri shared with me on how I may suffer next time if I were still with him and he does go to japan..so many beautiful women there. How wud I ever compare? I realised then tht i didnt want to be with someone who wud be floating ard in thoughts of other women all ard him, and keep me just becoz he has to stay so-called loyal. I don't know and I'll never know now that he's no longer mine.

Anyway. Recently, I've been getting rather worried about my body. I get tired so easily. I felt much better after a gd nite's rest the nite before, but after a bit of yerterday's activities, I was so tired when I got back. Not to mention, I'm extremely heaty now. I had constipation, and bloatnedness and it was painful. I cudnt release the air, and it was just stuck inside. I had to force it out, and I found myself stuck in the toilet for two hrs till 4am. Yeah.

Today's last day at Gramophone was definitely a day of mixed feelings. I was happy that I'm moving onto something better,but work was so so boring as usual, but I knew I wud miss this place alot, having had good colleagues and learnt good stuff. My boss was rather sad again and my colleague just resigned too. (opps) heh. I was so sian but I loved at the same time, the -nothing-to-do- life there. HAHA.

But, hey smth to look out for!!
GRAMOPHONE STORE WIDE 20% DISCOUNT ON ALL CDS, FROM TMR 26TH MAY TILL THREE WEEKS LATER! DVDS 15% DISCOUNT!

I think i will miss also, the aunties and uncles of the food stalls who have been so kind, but most of all, Linda, from OCBC bank. I see her every Thursday, to collect coins and deposit cash for the company.Shes just got married, and she looks ALOT LIKE SMANTHA ( really u noe nikky). She's very sweet, and very pretty. She's pregnant too, so I'm gonna keep in touch with her and see her baby when he/she comes into this world hehehe. She has been very nice to me, and going to the bank becaem a joy every thursday afternoon : ) We exchanged numbers today too!

I think I'll also miss my regular customers : )There were a few who Ive gotten to know sorta, and I know I will miss helping them and learning music from them. But for the sake of my own happinessa dn stability and future, this had to be done. Now I look forward to church every Sunday, and like I mentioned, I am resuming cantoring this pentecost Sunday :] What a great way to welcopme me back to the ministry! Also, will be working more with my sops again, and organing stuff. I will do my job well, grow and learn in theatre dealings, and make sure I go far. I will be hjappier again,c o I intend to find gigs, and audition at Musicdreamers or HArk. I also might join SYC next yr.

Anyway, im glad I dared to speak to Charles today. I guess I was just afriad he might have gotten tired of me, though I know he'd never judge me. I also cleared the air abt smth, which im glad I did. I hate to doubt him and I don't because I trust him with more or less all my heart. He's a good person and a good friend. I appreicate his being around, and all that he's done and constantly pray that he's ok in MDC now, happier too. He told me my sixth sense was wrong today, and it tickled me, coz I knew that was how well he knew me. I wondered if he would pick up the same frequency, that I was referring to my 6th sense telling me smth, and he DID! hahahahaha lol. Charles, that was seriosuly quite funny :p On a more serious note, I just wana say, I was a little worried, just a little, coz I know we've both kinda put u in a fix, and from my side, I'm sorry. I hope you don't have to hide from me, when u meet him or are going to. i really don't want you to end up feeling irritated by all this. That was my only concern. Hope you can take care of him.

I should talk abit abt EUNICE! My TNS colleague whom I'm taking over : ) She'll be handing over everything to me next week, so pray for me, haha, I hope I won't be too overwhelemd. God, will see me thru, yes ? I'm pretty excited about this new job, honestly. A bit! heh. She's fun like me, she's bubbly like me, she's casual and friendly like me! HAHAHA. Just imagine a girl like me, BUT, alot more responsible and mature. yea HAHAHA.

YEA. so, Monday, brand new start.
I wana say maybe I might be onto smth new here. =) Well, if it's God's will, He might be the one for me.

Night dear.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Foes, Punks and fellow Dudes, may I present to you the trailers of DAISY, starring Jun-Ji-Hyunn, who also was the girl in IL Mare and My Sassy Girl. (I can't blame guys for oggling at her beauty, at least this girl, definitely)
(Jw, this one's for you too)





and this one is a short photoshoot video...

Vodka+Sprite (One and a half glasses full)

Well. That was 10 great hours of sleep!!!! Really. A good night's sleep makes such a huge difference!! I feel good! BUT It's so funny, coz I felt like I was awake most of the night, tossing and turning, with my head still heavy and spinning like mad. I kept changing position and I think I must have been dreaming all at the same time! HAhaahah. I kinda hate the heavy spinny feeling. Not nice at all. But it took away all my nightmares, and i slept so well. Even though I still had HIM-related dreams, they were sweet and not scary or heart-crushing. HAHAHA.

What happened was, after pat got home last night, I decided to go offline so that he could use, BUT instead he didn't want to. I sat down top watch scrubs again (which is so darn good btw again), and I wanted a glass os sprite. :) He said, why not we drink tonioght, coz we kept postponing it, since last week's barnone night. P/s: Barnone's alcohol is shit diluted hahahahaa.

So, he made us vodka+sprite, and my glass was suppose to be less potent. But he couldnt even finish his glass HAHAHAH. He said it was too strong, when i felt it was a-okay. UHHUH. UNTIL! I realised that alcohol always takes its effect on me LATER then immediate. So by the time we wee done watching three episodes of Scrubs,and I had drunk my glass plsu half of his, I was so so spinny hahahahaha.

We both went to our rooms and knocked out, but I still couldnt quite sleep. iw as high in my own room, laughing to myself etc etc. hahahahahaha

Ok! So thts it for this morning. More videos coming up!

Jw, yr fav Il Mare...this is for u. Hope U like it.

IL Mare (Must Say Goodbye)


IL Mare Trailer


and for all IL Mare fans, the entire movie, is in 10 parts on u-tube. here's the link:

http://www.youtube.com/results?search=Il+Mare&search_type=search_videos&search=Search

My Sassy Girl- I Believe


Can't help Fallin In Love with You- Andrea Borcelli


Only One Road- Celine Dion


Love of My Life- Queen


Big Big World- Emilia

I dont know if I wrote an entry about my awesome friend, Jermaine. See, I met her up last week or so, for dinner at BluJaz Cafe. And I have always felt the same way as her, in many things, ad we conenct like she said, really. Since schl days in poly. But really, what she wrote off me in her last entry, was really putting me on a pedestal, for if I was really that strong, I wudnt still be crying today.

Jerm is amazing. She has this charm abt her tht attratcs guys to her. Shes funny, intelligent, a high flyer in my eyes, and always a beautiful gurl and friend. Jerm, tht nite at Blujaz was great too. And to me, when I cried a tear, u cried two. When I shared a story, u shared two. When i laughed a bit, U laughed a mile.

thank you for making me remember how impt I am to people ard me.

Here's Jermaine everyone.

8.15pm [four hours after waking]

Ahh. I feel better now. Somewhat.

A can of tuna fro dinner. oz I resent cooking for myself. It makes me feelw orse, so i won't start doing that. I miss cooking with him. Enuff said. Harri told me Simon and her cooked pasta last night. They put my fav sausages and cheddar cheese on it. Ahh...reminiscence. Jw wud put sausages too. He'd add basli, spices and cheese too. he wud insist on tabasco sauce and alot of it. Hahaa.

She reminds me off how jovial and happy I was last night,and YES I WAS! ;) Like she said, I made so many new friends YAY. And im starting a new job, a new life on konday! Away with all this! YAY.

Shes starting schl the monday after pentecost sunday, the monday being 5th june, and sunday being 4th june. Im cantoring on pentecost sunday!!!! Wowo. The bishop is coming to church u noeeeeeeeeeeee, and im resuming cantoring ont ht very mass! I havent cantored since last yr! *EEEKS*


HERE'S some photos she took of me last night. For the gig photos, go see her deviant art page, thank u! And i INSIST U GO SEE OKKK! *rrr*











Thanks Harrii, for the nice fotos!!

WE FEEL LIKE HEAVING PIZZA HUT'S MEATBALLS AND GARLIC BREAD!
hahahahaa

I have two posts. Today's and yesterday's. So We'll start with today's which is a notch higher on the depressing scale. (I'd like for my two important friends to not read this if u're feeling tired today, or tired of me. I don't want you to feel worse.)

Btw, updated my Cd List

-Today's-

It's now 5pm.
An hour, to be precise, after I woke up. I slept at 2am, and woke at 10.10, thinking it was 2pm.I was awfully tired, and told Aileen i didn't want to work part-time today. Then I told her I'd see how i feel in the afternoon, because I injured my left knee kast night and it's still hurting today. I also msg Averyl, and told her I'd go down to TNS (The Necessary Stage) to sign the contract tmr instead of today. I just felt terrible, other than the pain.

I slept somemore, till 4pm, and just before waking, I had the most disgusting , horrifice dream ever. I think P and I fell for each other, and one night at home, we made out or somehow ended up doing so, and we got into a huge fight abt why I was alwasy home so late every night. And I said of all people, he would know why. EWWW. I woke up completely freaked out.I sat there, really achy from the long sleep, eyes half opened, and my whole mood very draggy and shitty. I started analysing why I had this nightmare, and realised it's becoz i've been worried recently about how oddly close P and I are. We are, coz we stay together, yet we're not, coz we're just not. We've become somewhat like siblings..somewhat. And it was quite freaky to receive an sms from him right tht second, saying he was feeling down, coz the girl he likes just told him today, that they are just friends. He's feeling quite down now.

SOO. :s Anyway, I realised there was more to it. I'm afraid of shifting again. Yet I think staying with a guy is just never the same as staying with a gurl. There are boundaries and U can't share with a guy the way u do with a girl. I miss staying with H I guess too. But most of all, I can't deny that I'm starting to miss my comfort zone quite badly. I miss my room, and no matter how mych I try to feel at home here. It's just not. : (

But I know, I can't think of all these. Just that I feel like 14 hours of sleep, was as good as none. I had other nightmares too, one with nick too I think, and even HIM. :[ Can you blame me for feeling so moody right now? I felt like crying in the toilet, coz all this is just making me feel more tired. And when I miss home, I go back to the same feelings abt missing HIM. I really need him around like before so badly. I just can't bring myself to believe he did this to me. Like I said before, I never thought he would break with me. I always tot I'd be the bad guy. He said to me before, perhaps was one of his lies, or smth said tht actually didnt measn as much as it seemed when said : "I'd never let u got ht easily."


I am honestly so scared of love now. I am so afraid to trust another guy if he tries to be more than friends. Coz they have this ablity to hide from u and bluff their way thru till the end.


-Yesterday's-

I'll start with the day time first. The night was more exciting, so we keep tht for later! haha. I'll break it into two parts, then U can decide to read the day or night one. haha. Your CHOICE.

DAY

I got to work slightly late again. Erlin looked so sad. Then I asked her if Jeff told her about my resignation and she said "yes". So I submitted the letter to her, and really felt sad about it too. Leaving this job, wasn't becoz I hated it or anything, so resigning had mixed feelings. Later, I smsed her while in the store, to thank her for everything and to apologise for the sudden resignation. Also asked for her to understand tht so much has been happening to me. She was always good to me as a boss. Later after she sent the letter via fax to Roger, the HR I/C, Roger called me, and asked if I was unhappy with the pay or the colleagues. And when I told him about sundays, he asked if I wanted to transfer to OUB or IP which works mon-sats, coz it's the office area. But I knew I already decided against it. (Besides I don't like the superiors at OUB, even if I was still working here.)

I felt really bad? oz Fabian and Farhanah were working eith me yesterday, and Fabian makes me the happiest at work, with his gay antiques and his gay topics, him being gay u NOE..so yea. And Farhanah is my junior from schl. But it's smth I have to do, for myself, to have a more fulfiling life, in all aspects.

Later, WAYNE called me. OHMYGOSH. Wayne ... : ( The person who interviewd, hired, and always thought of me very highly. He respected and appreciated what I had to offer, and he was the one person I just couldn't break the news to. He was shcoked indeed.

I told them I'd come back always to THIS STORE to buy cds and dvds, and tht I truly honestly enjoyed my stay here with them. All of them, including Jeff taught me alot. I had mixed feelings, coz I would miss the relax attitude here, always listening to music, always doing bo liao stuff. I hated parkway's busy ah beng ah lian ah ma and babies crowd, too busy, but I didnt like it tht it was too quiet here in scotts, thought most of the time, it was better since I was always so tired. But I know I'd miss listeningt o music 10 hrs a day, and trying out new cds. WOnder how I'd research once im out of this store on thursday. Coz it was only here that my music knowledge grew by leaps.

Makes me wonder how everyone else dcoes it. Pathetic huh.

But work was the BEST TODAY! I had alot of fun joking around with fab and farhanah, and we had alot of re-pricing of cds to do, and tht took up the whole day, other than doing the usual sales stuff hehehe.

Oh yeah, Nick came by my shop for the second time!! (in the morning), and so did Harri for the second time! :P (at night before the gig). Thanks both of u very much. It really cheers me up. The people who really care make such efforts, and it really touches me. charles came by once too , at parkway, the ONLY DAY I was at parkway man!. Haha Pat? pat is just mad..four times liao. (But u..u came to see me for a lunch and wudnt even come intothe shop...and u had so many opportunities to visit...)

-->ON HIM:

The first 1/3 of the day, I had forgotten about him. Maybe it was the major morning rush too. Always feel like im being torn out of sleep. Literally heh.

The second 1/3 of the day, certain things started making me miss him again. it was some of the songs too, which I might put lyrics up for here, later; or vidoes if i find any. Becoz of some things Farhanah was sharing with me, I agreed tht girls should always play hard to get. I was too easy to get. I didnt even really have him chase me much. I always gave in too easily, and maybe tht also kinda made me less important, less precious. I remember we started off , wanting to do a music duo. I sing, eh play, and we had JUST started on it. Nick warned me tht if we got together, it'd go straight into the drain, but as usual, i didn't take his advice, having been so head over heels for him at tht time, and we went straight into it. I remember he said tht to others it was fast, but not to us. His father also told him to take care of me properly. I remember tht afternoon so clearly.

I realised I never received flowers from him. Thought I told him not to waste since flowers wud die, but kinda always hinted tht fake flowers wud last. Once in a while, it's nice to be given flowers? ....But tht wasn't as impt as our music thing. We both had no desire to do it anymore after getting together. No discipline and it was far too distracting (each other i mean). Then now I see him working on a duo with jasmine, and I regret maybe. I should have been one of those girls he would never get, like the way he always wrote about so many other girls, and ironically he treasued them so much more. He said to me before " the first time u came to my house, i thought i'd never get to kiss this girl". " U had some crazy soul going on there when u sand tht chorus". Haiz. Now he says he wants to work on his vocals. I feel like laughing. I always told him he had quite a nice bass tone, and he never believed me. Now??!!? It's always like tht huh. We never listen to the people closest to us, the loved ones, not the friends.

The third 1/3 of the day, I just felt numb. I knew all this was just over. That I no longer had him around. That, no matter how much I do, I could never turn back time. I should have just left it at tht point on tht fateful sunday, when I went to lok for him, and eh took me back into his arms and said " dear, im sorry, i'll try my best again ok?" " I'm sorry". And i just cried in his arms..I felt safe again. But after tht, I knew tht he couldnt possibly really want it again considering it took a week and gg there to make him turn back. We talked and it was back to square one again. I know tht's inevitable actually even if we did have it gg again. But sometimes I wish tht one and only last chance cud have made it all work again.


-->ON THIS WEEK:

So today (tues) I am on off. [I was suppose to go return his things, and go TNS to sign contract. And then go help Aileen, buit I'll do tht tmr]

Tmr (wed) I am on off too! [ prob go watch H,S and A jam tmr nite]

The day after (thurs) is my last day at gramophone. :+
[ to all my gramophone peeps, though they'd never see this: Thank you so much for everything]

Fri: Im gg to watch x-men with nick! Then go watch charles at POW again! (yay movies movies, finally geto to watch more movies!)

Sat: Wedding mass in the morning! HOORAYYYYY Sat night, go watch Life Without Dreams Gig at THE ARTS HOUSE 7pm : )

Sun: CHURCH!!!!!!!!

Monday: First day at T.N.S =o)


NIGHT

FINALLY!!! THE NIGHT SEGMENT! HAHAHAHA!

We went to Barnone to watch KLPHQ, Ocean Band and West Grand Boulevard (but KLPHQ mainly, which turned out quite a disappointment). Me, HArri, Simon, Aaron, and PAt, who went with WeiWei,Gabriel, Desmond and Daniel Sasoon (both from Electrico). Guess wad? I met Hatta again! He is Pat's friend who was at the bbq tht time with Changkang, Akiko and the rest of their friends. Yeah, so met him again, and he was also at the Substation (timbre) tht night coz he works there as the marketing dude. WOHOO. S,he was with a freind, called Mark, who, haha, who happened to be my customer at Gramophone last week!. He was also at barnone last week, but I had NO IDEA He was also Hatta's friend. FUNNY. How small this world is!

Then I found out that Pat knows Sam Seow!!! OMGG. Coz Sam Seow is musicforgood's lawyer AS WELLLLLLLL. MY GOSH.

I FINALLY got to meet DAPHNE KHOO!! Yes, the gurl from Singapore idol, who is my junior from schl, and spoke to her online before. She is from West Grand Boulevard, and her band mate, Eric, is Simon's friend. HAHAHA. So thts why we were there too. She is SOOOOO SHORT. heh :P But cute u noe! She wore a black rock'n'roll sorta singlet, with the punkish belt, and black three quarters with nice black Converse shoes,which somehow looked so flattering on her! Her friend btw, one guy called JON is SO FUCKING CUTE. hahahaha! I was introduced to them, I have no idea why,a dn I got to speal with daph and them. I felt quite excited and happy. =p

I spoke with Mark too, and it was great talking to someone new, thought I cud tell he;s much older than i am, yet he's still studying (and political science too) gee.

Harri and I got to know Vivan LEE :) She is another photographer who carries the saem cam as Harri, and we saw her at barnone and substation last two weeks! Finally we got her contact! She's so sweet, perhaps nearly 30? She's petite, has the saem black rimmed specs as harri, usually wears those cup sleeved blouses with three quarters and shoes, and she has one length hair, up to just below her ears :P She reakky reminds me of harri. hahahaha.

Along with that, i got to meet Weiwei aagin (pat's friend). She is my ngee ann senior!and she's been with MTV Asia for one and a half years, doing the scheduling of advertisements on MTV channel! So kewl :p hahahaha. Her friend Gabriel who was there too, used to work for them as well. Heh.

Wow. Ive written so much Im exhausted!!! ^^

Heh, I also gotta chat with Desmond *wheeeeeeeeeeeee* He is so adorable lahhhhhh! And when he stood next to Daphnee, I wanted to laugh, coz she was shorter than him and he's already do short! HAHAHAHA.

Yes, So last night was pure madness. I had a great time.
Thank you for reading. hahaha.

" You don't realise what you've lost till u lose it"-this phrase, really applies to everything, everybody, every situation in this world.

Joyce wrote smth in her blog, tht I realted to ...tot I'd copy the para. :"I've been feeling quite down lately. A lot of things have been happening at the same time, it's just really hard to deal with them all at once. I need to separate from my emotional problems and really focus on the things at hand" yea

How can u hate me if i didnt do anything to u? Am i to blame for feeling angry or feeling hate at u?

Today was the longest, most agonising ten point five hours of work ever. The slowest of crowds on a sunday, and ironically my boss slots five staff to work today. I was really redundant there. My level for patience has gona up a notch in this job. hahaa

I had a bad night again. Nightmares about my parents and about him.
But it was a must to go work tody, even though my heart and mind were definitely not at work. I was thinking of choir and church and how annoying it was tht I couldn't be there. But it did feel better that this would be the last weekend I would be working.

The second half of the day, my head started to clear up. It made me feel a bit better definitely. Every day I am just thinking of him, and the memories always flash across my eyes like as if it's on a consatnt movie reel. Even eatin cheese reminds me of him and how he loved cheese too,and it just happens, the reminder of him just comes like tht. how he used to put cheese into my sandwhiches coz I love cheese. BUT I started to remember a conversation I had with Charles at peace centre two weeks after he came out of BMT...that day my head was the clearest and thus i remember pretty much everything that he said to me as well. I used that today, and kept drilling it into my head, so that I can get out of this wrutt once again. It seemed to work somewhat. Coz i feel now that I'm tired; sick and tired of being angry, of being hurt. Enough is enough. I gave him my life, I entrusted him my heart, and he threw it away. he threw it into the big fat longkang of broken hearts twice and more than that. Cold hearted and very insensitive for the sensitive guy he's always supposed to be. A liar, saying he's not coming out of this , for another girl, or to look at other girls, or to get into another relationship. Fickle, so much more fickle than a girl. He falls for every girl. So deceiving is his simple look and quiet nature. I'm very numb now. Just very sad about the whole thing.

Yet, I think anger shouldnt take up the whole thing,coz if I didnt know him, I wouldnt have known every one else that I knew thru him, and it was really alot of people, esp the musicians. I wud be nowhere in this music circle if not for him.

But still the thoughts tht continued to spin in my head today. So many whys and so many what ifs..and so many how cuds..and etc etc...I realise tht when Im out, i keep looking out for him, and the want to see him is so much tht I end up visualising tht people are him for a spilt second. i dont know why I do tht even. When hes in my sight or going to be, i get cold hands and pulpitating heart beats in an anxois way,a nd dont wish to see him at all. I think it cud be too much pain maybe. I still remember tht blank stare we exchanged at the garden tht nite.

But Im so done with all this fucked up crap. I have three more working days at gramophone, and once im doenw ith this three days, so will my longing for him. I will close this chapter on thurs, returning the rest of his stuff before tht, and starting a brand new notebook. The job is the last thing I will strike off from my memory lsit of him. I have to do this, coz already there are too many things I miss and remember of him. I could write a " i mis.....about u..." list og a thousand lines im sure.

Pat came to my shop for thr fourth time today!!!! wow. Coz he was headed to barnone to watch futon. But I was much too tired tonite, so here I am back home already. I got to know his colleagues who came along too.

OK DUDES AND DUDETTES! My cd/dvd list link is FINALLLLLLY UP! hahaha...
HERE it is!! : ) I've linked it up on this main page as well, so tht u can go see when u damn wu liao lar hahahaa : ) Im just happy having it on blog now.

Now i feel like im really putting on a mask. Pretending to be happy, pretendint to be ok, when I really am not. This pretence is eating me up, but I don't want the people I care about, to get dragged won or so worried for me if I'm with them and I'm always sulking or crying or obviously not "with them".

I feel horrible. Horrible that I'm back in this wrutt, and no matter how hard I am trying to overcome it, it just won't let me go. Every little thing frustrates me now, and seems so difficult. With constantly disrupted sleep, crying every day and night, things like what to wear the next day, or whether I should stick my postcard up on the wall again, or things to pack, seem like such BIG tasks.Nick has been returning me some stuff from my room ive been asking for bit by bit, but i cant even really put things up like the way i used to. Why should I dress so nicely when there's no one to dress up for anymore. And ironically, I think i look nicer now only. But whats the point of looking good on the outside, when I dont feel even half a bit good on the inside. Suddenly I can't stop the temptation of buying things for myself.

Every time I am feeling down, I tell myself there are SO MANY things to occupy my mind with, like bloggin, checking up on music links, loading and downloading music, packing up stuff, reading my books or magazines, watching tv, esp scrubs now tht charles has entrusted it to me to watch...I can write emails, check them,, rest, find places to gig or to watch gigs,i should and cud get down to practising my guitar again and learning new songs for my gig slot end july...which unfortunately charles cant do anymore. If only he cud, since claire, him and i have three seperate slots. But even though I have things at home, ready to keep me busy, I just can't go about everything. I hate that this is happening again.

Why. Why am i losing myself and breakind down time and time again over him. Hes suck a jerk anyway. But, But I dont know. Why have I ended up getting so angry and so hurt by him. I hate it tht hes always been a coward and he just ended it all like tht, and now seems very happy. why am i the only one in such pain. The pain was wearing off, but now, it's come back like as if we just broke up yesterday, I cried last night, and I found myslef crying againw ehn I got home from tonight's gig and was away from everyone. yet I wish I ahd someone ard to console me. Pat called after I was done crying and he kinda guessed tht I did, coz my voice was in shambles. I watched a couple of episodes of SCRUBS and that really made me feel better.

I hate him, yet I want things back. I know it's over now, and that it's pointles, but it's just so fucking painful. It's all so weird now. It's everything, everything has changed. I wanted to tell him abt my new job, i wanted to show hiom the new clothes i bought, I wanted to look good for him, but ...I really want to slap him. I really want to scream my head off at him. I feel so distraught now when he's going to be, or is around,a nd it finally happeend today. And yes, like I told Harri, his presence isnt appreciated and thanks for either being considerate for not coming back or he must have felt fucking guilty or nonchalanat. I dont know whether i want him in my sight or not. The anger wants very much to face him, the heart wants very much to scream this all out with him, but the head is so incredibly disappointedand pent up, I wouldnt know what to do anyway.

I walked into Timbre (Substation garden) this evening, and at the same time Charles, Him, his GIRL ex classmate, Ivan, Dimitri walked out. It took me a while from a distance to recognise them, but I did sooner, and I only caught a glance of him. i didnt even see the person behind. If it's a girl, my immediate label is bitch, thank u very much. Why am i even being so posessive. Why am i so upset tht ive lost suvch a jerk. Im so disappointed. Shit. it just is so painful. After a wuick few words, the group and I walked seperate ways, and I felt a sharp pain in my chest. No the tears just cudnt come out. Not in public. The whole night I tried hard not to think abt it, but it just escalated in me, and my head started to get heavy. Wud he come backw ith them? I thought. I knew he wouldn't, coz he can't stand to see me anymore Im sure and his msn already hasme on another list. I want so much to erase me out of everything , yet it's been so unbearably unco,fortable and weird without him ard. YAH. So, now I feel guilty tht I have to be the cause of a group of friends who initially all hung out together, now have to be spilt into two, harriet naturally being with me, even tho she doesnt have to, and charles with him and the rest...Charles has honestly been so good. So incredibly understading and mature abt this whole thing. And im very grateful from the bottom of my heart. Harri too, really tried her hardest to make me feel wanted tonight.

I heard he didnt wana come back for the gig, and i tot to myself, why, pls dont not come just becoz of me? But then again thts yr problem if u want to miss out on a gig and I dont have to face all the awkwardness. I only remember glancing in his directiona dn seeing his blank stare. I dressed up tonight, but for wat.
I say I hate him so much, but all I wanted was to continue loving him. but look at how it'sall turned out.


Oh btw Charles, scrubs is really good.

Hi everyone. I didn't write yesyerday cause I was very tired and much too troubled.

I've got great news, good news, heart breaking news, and daily ranting news fvor u today. Be entertained by my life. There you go. Though it isn't the usual "happening" life lar.

GREAT NEWS

-> I'm now part of The Necessary Stage team. AKA I've just got myself a position there!!!!! =) Work starts 29th May, and a new chapter of my life awaits me in a bout a week! And becoz of this, my boss Melissa, (yes, name sake), has given me a brand new e-mail account!!!! YAYYYYY . Haha. I will not publicise it here though, much too dangerous I feel. : ) Congratulate me if U feel like it HAHAHAH. Thanks my friends who have already said they're so happy for me.I'm alwasy so grateful for your presence in my life.
(man, I made that sound like I just won an award??? hahahaa)

->Claire...comes home..........TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

-> I've landed myself a gig in late JULY! At earshot, with Claire and Charles, all three of us on different sets! I say it's with great anticipation and excitemwent that it's worth watching ! YEAH! Of coz I'm nervous! Never quite done ANY set alone??? YEAH But! I'm getting Claire to play for me and possibly Charles too, even get him to guest man. YEAH.


GOOD NEWS

-> I went to Charles and Ivan's gig at POW last night, and guess wad? :p THE WHOLE CROWD ENJOYED IT! They were so awed by Charles! Yeah man! He's awesome on stage with or without hair hahahahaaa. All angmohs u noe! Most of them lar.

-> I just bought..........new..........under........hahahahaha garments LOLLL. They are freaking ex la blardy hell. haha.

-> I watched Da Vinci Code with Nick yesterday at cineleisure. it was a good film. But I laugh at every single piece of crap "facts" they try to deliver us with. Ain't gonna brainwash me. PUI heh. I had a great time with Nick. So nice to see him again .

HEART BREAKING NEWS

-> HE nearly went to POW last night. When i heard, I was starting to get cold and nervous and anxious. I felt very uneasy. Many thoughts swam thru my head and I wondered if I should have left before charles came. But I felt that wasn't right as well, coz I wasn't there for HIM. I was there to watch Charles and Ivan. Then heard from Charles that...
-> Ling was supose to be there to open the set for them. .......LING??!??! Only one other person knew her tht well. I made a quick connection and became even more anxious. Why ? i don't know. Such unnecessary anxiety for what. But I read HIS entry and realise smth...girl with orange bohemian skirt......I never want to see her again. Nor do I fancy v w very much,. LOL. Such biasness!!!!!!. No lar, i will always support the obs. But tht girl....i just don't want to believe it. Actually this should be none of my business anymore. But at that point, I didn't want to be at POW. I was really relieved to noe HE or Ling weren't gg to be there in the end. I hope it wasn't Charles who asked them not to go, just coz of me. That would be so unfiar to Charlie. However....becoz of tht, I enjoyed a great night. BUT!...
-> I broke down during one of Charles songs, and cried in the toilet inconsolably. Anice lady came over to hug me..and I really neded that, yet, tht warmth was so different. I didn't want to spoilt Charles mood, coz he had GREAT FUN LAST NIGHT. Yoyu should have seen the way he was after the gig, like a child. hahaha.

RANTING NEWS

-> He is gg tonight. F that. I hope I don't see him. Argh, he's such a jerk. I can't decide bewteen anger and pain.
-> I was getting better, happier. and I can't figure out what pulled me back into this DUMP.
-> Coz I oughta be very happy now, coz ive got a new fantastic job!!
-> and I don't wana start pulling Harri and Charles down again. But more so that I don't wana start pulling myself dcown again. it's repeating itself again, the nightmares, the dreams of him. f it.
-> I'm gonna try very hard to be happier again. One by one, i'm returning his stuff, and removing stuff, and once i have changed my notebook, i will really start a fresh. I know there's no more. fucking. point. : (

GTG NOW. CIAO!

i want to say smth out right here.
ad i dont case if i write only 1 percent as good as u do.
i write like a layman. u write like a writer. so what.
yr archives has a yr of blank, emptiness and quiet. so what if mine has jnothing but u. i loved the wrong person. i lost so much becoz of u.

why the fuck am i stillc rying over u, asshole? This has got to be the first time in all the time till now, even after a month of break, tht i am this angry with u.

im absolutely horrified, pissed, angry, disappointed and thoroughly upset and angry again at your last few entries. I am inclinced to believe everything was a big fucking bullshit LIE. I think i lost u way back early this yr. How cud i have been SO ACCURATE when he told me u were so happy meeting vivan. Now when i think of it, hey, heck i wasnt wrong. And since then all yr actions, tots, pictures u put up make SO MUCH assholic sense. are u HAPPY WIOTH yr obs cds now??? ARE U?? Why did i even bother wasting my time getting thme for u.

where all the bullshit lies u said to me sweetnothings abt the things u wanted to do for me, get me, blash blahd..wait MELBOURNE? oh tht DOES SOUND FAMILIAR. fuck u.

I am extremely hurt, overly angry,and i wud very much like to slap u right now. I have not felt this, till tonight.

.............

Unforgiven (Last Goodbye) - Jeff Buckley

This is our last goodbye
I hate to feel the love between us die
But it's over
Just hear this and then I'll go
you gave me more to live for
more than you'll ever know

This is our last embrace
Must I dream and always see your face
Why can't we overcome this wall
Baby, maybe it is just because I didn't know you at all

Kiss me
Please kiss me
But kiss me out of desire, baby
And not consolation
You know it makes me so angry
'Cause I know that in time
I'll only make you cry
This is our last goodbye

Did you say "No, this can't happen to me"
And did you rush to your phone to call?
Was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind saying
"Maybe ... you didn't know him at all"

Well
The bells out in the church tower chime
Burning clues into this heart of mine
Thinking so hard on her soft eyes and the memory
Of her sighs that it's over
It's over

im so not done with finding pub and band links..to put here on my bloggie : ) it's becoming more and more of a research bloggie to me ahahhaha, yet so so personal. ;p

Anyways, i was late for work today, but boss was even later! hahaha so VERY SUPER HENG. There's a whole lot of new stuff in gramophone today. We have brought in new dvd titles, rare ones too, and I was thrilled to see scrubs on the shelf though I can't afford it now. Actually, *uhhum*, I have ALOT of cds reserved under my name in my store HAHAHAHA, and I keep adding to my cd and dvsd and vcd list these days. It's a major obsession MAJOR. I realised today, that Ive kinda spent too much recently on new clothes,good food, and cabs. I really gotta cut down till I get my pay again. Im done with the shopping. Enuff is enuff. This month was buying wadrobe month. next month will be buying up my reserved cds month HAHAHA. But I think im real obsessed now with spoiling myself HAHAHA. That was a joke. But Im so so crazy abt buying new music, im so open to indie music now, it puzzles me as to why. Im always so thrilled to listen to new stuff. I never knew cd shops have new things everyday! It makes me wonder how VERY VERY MUCH Ive missed out on all these yrs! i think im obsessed HAHA ok. But anyway, besidestht cool nice facotr, the work is gettin so so boring, But like i said for noe, it'll doo. Nec Stage is still considering so i will wait and meanwhile do what im doing.

Next mth onwards i gotta be wiser with expenditure and savings. Cds too gotta be a certain amount every month only. HAa, with all the things to keep up with besides the essential things for survival, i cant just be rash and spend on all the cds or movies or outings even tho i'd like to. Control is the key word HHHEEEH.

Anyway, im thinking of making another blog, jsut for my cds, dvd and vcd list ahahahaha. i will link it here, so tht i dont have to keep re-posting it. HAHAA. : ) For my own pathetic pleasure la. So do check it out once it's up!

It was great, i heard from charles again today. Tht eased my worries alot.

I was fine today, emotionally, at first. Just very tired and a teeny bit sickish.
But after work, i kinda got a bit emo, and reakky needed a hug, and wished jw was ard for me to go back to, and hold. I got quite irritated with the lovey dovey couples ard me earlier, and i could feel my eyes getting wet with the flashing memories of our time together. I think at d end of the day, i still wished it worked out. I may have goen to look for someone else, and i wondered what if i and tht someone else patched up? would i still want to go back to jw? Now i don't have both, iss tht why im thinking of jw again? But then i realised, all the while, i didnt want to break with him anway... then tht was when I realised he was still my first choice. Thts why i did so much for him and i. It doesnt mean i wana start a new with someone old or new, means i never wanted it to last. I did. But I think I was just tired tonight. Im glad when I msg Charles he uinderstood, and took it well.After I got home, i was better. Realised i had my bath to take, ironing to do, blogging to do, emails to check, player to upload songs, and blog to update..webbies to find, songs to choose, so ... i think tht helped alot. I wonder if i'll see him tmr nite.. hmm...

will post a song lyric up in abit,.. : )

A pretty good off day.
Went to Nec Stage for my interview, and I hope to get it : )
Went to cityhall for another but ended up having to postpone. But the highlight of tht hour was : i met Yuner at gramohpone, capitol branch. The previous time I was there on my off day, I met Jian Ming. Why am I meetiong his whole family there? I figure I will end up bumping into him one day.
Met Jermaine for dinner. I brought her to blujaz and I tried the HUNK burger. OMG, it was so damn good. Jerm tried the steak. AHH, hapiness, working part time there, being a friend to Aileen, always being welcomed as a singer there; im a real resident of blujaz now. I take my own drinks and clean up after the meal, and it feels good. I love it very much. I keep bringing friends there. : )
Nothihg much after. I just emailed nec stage some stuff they wanted. Gonna turn in. VEry tired. A gd day.

Fri, i will be gg to gior to get my tshirt, and getharri to cut hair for me...then we will go watch charles play. I think pat is having beat on fri, potart on sat, and then on Monday we're all heading to barnone again! : )

Yea i gtg. Anyway, just now suddenly missed alot of things abt my old room at my parent's place. But shrugged it off. Think Im just tired today. Missing will eat me up. gt ta stop thinking abt it. no point anyway. Ok, yea, it's quite sad. Why did it happen. ahh oh well.

Jermaine and i talked ALOT abt guys we've been with, or had liked or anything at all..and I finally understand someone better now. She was in the situation i put him in before..and she went thru the same reactions etc. Now I kinda understand much more and feel really bad. Nothing I can do abt it now...so ..just hope one day.. I'll have a final chance.// Oh but she really wanted to slap jw. hahahahaaha.

HAHAHAHAHAH! Gerri sent me this! Enjoy all the broken hearted people with me! Since so many of us have become single again!

WOW.
UI HAVE PUT UP A TON OF MUSIC LINKS OKKKKK. So u better go see. Im supporting the local music scene as much as i can now. I have quite alot of links up, but if u want any info, pics, latest updates on gigs, i say u go to aging youth productions link i haveand u;d be the happiest local scene supporter ard hahahahah. Dont know why i never put all these up before.

HARRI-->GO SEE UNDER B-QUARTET. YR NAME IS THERE!!! hahahahaa
I want to put up more links for the bands here..but some i cant find their official website..only found what aging youth already has..so i see how k.

damn tired now. CIAO!

OH BTW. New links up, do take a look! Ugly In The Morning's and Furniture's sites IVE fOUND!!!!and Also, FINALLY up is Aging Youth;s fantabulous website,a lwasy curren,t with every single band's info u can find locally. Famous place for getting photos of yr favs..like the obs.. *uhhum*. SO here is Noel : )my latest eye candy muse.




NOEL from ugly In The Morning =) And NOO...don't worrie la, he's eye candy but I joke abt it..He's a fantastic musician. So ful of passion. He's engaged already ok! so yea hahahaaa... it says so on his bio and I SAW THE RING THT NITE ahahahhaa

He reminds me of sean. Those of you who have seen my pics of sean ages ago at barnone as well. How iroic. Tht was like more than a yr ago man.

barnone is SO HAPPENING. I shall continue to find bands' links and put them here. Also up will be Barnone and POW.

This Fri, Charles, LIVE, POW 8pm.
This Fri, 9.30pm, B-Quartet, LIVE at the arts house 1 parliment rd. See here

Things are getting beautiful. Harriet and I have embarked on a new chapter of our lives together. A true friend I will see till Im old. gems like these? Dont come abt everyday now.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Jet- Look What Uve Done

Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to prove

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems like such fun
Until you lose what you had won
Ooh, ooh

Give me back my point of view
Cause I just can't think for you
I can hardly hear you say
What should I do, well you choose

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems like such fun
Until you lose what you had won
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone


Take my photo of the wall
If it just won't sing for you
Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to do

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems like such fun
Until you lose what you had won
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone

Big Yellow Taxi

They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot
With a pink hotel, a boutique
And a swinging hot spot
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got
Till it's gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot

They took all the trees
And put 'em in a tree museum
And they charged the people
Twenty-five bucks just to see them
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got
Till it's gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot

Hey farmer, farmer
Put away your DDT now
Give me spots on my apples
But leave me the birds and the bees, please
Don’t it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got
Till it's gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot

Late last night
I heard the screen door slam
And a big yellow taxi
Carried off my old man
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got
Till it's gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot

Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got
Till it's gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot
Steamrool Paradise
And put up a parking lot

Wonderwall

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realised what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would like to sing to you
But I don't know how

Plumb-Damaged

Dreaming comes so easily
'Cause it's all that I've ever know
True love is a fairy tale
I'm damaged, so how would I know

I'm scared and I'm alone
I'm ashamed
And I need for you to know

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me

Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Will anyone get close to me?
I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know

There's mending for my soul
An ending to this fear
Forgiveness for a man who was stronger
I was just a little girl, but I can't go back

have much to blog abt today!: )

Firstly, a random thoguht came to my head abt my fav clours now! It's kinda widened in range and changed a bit hahahaha. Fav colours now are!: Black, white, silver, purple, red, blue, pink, maroon, brown, dirty green, mmm yea thts all! : )

And then! remember the list of cds and dvds ive been collating?? hahah I have more to add to the list of cds! :
-Steve Tyler
-Samoma
-Snow PATROL!!
-Remember Me (Compilation)
-Emi Fujita!!!!
-Dica (Chinese compilation) -r (re,e,ber whjat r stands for? ahah reserved!)
-RED HOT CHILLI PEPPERS (Stadium Acadium) -> this album is SO GOOD.
-Carpemters (Gold cd and dvd)*

MAN.... look so many cds to add to tht list which already had like 30???? =( hahahahahaa HOWWWW hahahaha

and for the dvds list! =( DVDS LEH! how to afford tell me??!
-Grey's Anatomy SEASON ONE~!!!!!!!!!!
-SCRUBS (PLS GET ME SCRUBS dvd or vcd set)
hahaha
and for vcds!-
-il mare
-my sassy girl
-DAISY!
-Derailed!

hehehe... i shall UPDATE the WHOLE list near my 21ST BDAY!!! WAHAHAHAHAHA 21ST! ok fine no big deal heh.

Hmm..so!, today i had some thoughts as usual.. esp when the day at work was agonisingly testing my patience. But somehow i can't quite remember all my thoughts tht I wanted to list, except a few like, now im guilt free when i oggle at guys and tht maybe it is much more carefree to be single : ) I can do whatever i want.it's kinda fun too, coz i can get to know more guys HAHAH. Ive had a few eye candies the last few days myself :p like NOEL!!!! heh, and the guy near my shop who helps with the mix rice stall, and the guy from s&k tho he isnt much to look at actually la hahahahahah. But the thing is, I just LOOK and thts it. Nothing near the surface even, coz I know who i really love..and i dont even know these guys. But becoz I must move on, im starting to skip ard, jump ard, and enjoy myself when i can. Work sucks, and when i get to run errands or go for lunch or smth, i make myself happy...and the feeling is great. Hanging out with harri and friends for gigs, gg shopping realllly makes me happy. I just ot myself some new looking tops again haha.

On a more serious note, i have thoroughly done an open minded analysis of my past erlationship and the one within...and i can only be so thankful for everything good tht happened between us and forget the sad ones, for it was truly unfortunate the way things all unfolded. No one cud have seen it happen this way. Sad as it is, the huge mess has been caused, and I can only thank the two of us so much and say Im really sorry for any hurt caused. Likewise I hope U say the same to me too one day. I prob can never stop loving u both, and will always be grateful yet harbour a bit of hate for the way u made things turn out. But I will take blame for any wrong moves. It cant just br my or yr fault..so yea. i see a much clearer picture now...ive really thought thru everything. So now, it's a single, maybe more carefree, cud be harder, but need to be stronger life. It has to be the way since it seems to be correct.

*breathes* Life is so weird. Love, is so weird. It can wreck relationships,a nd bring them back too. Since we've made this mess when we're younger, thinking on a scale of 10 yrs, and instead of having oen, i lost both and both lost me, and each other, i can only see what God has in store for us now. If it's meant to be, i'd be with one of u again next time. i realised how similar things were in both relationships..it's uncannily scary. But they were so special. I think some of u might be shocked. Why do i keep mentioning another person...well, it'squite complexed.But it isn't what u think it was. U have to trust me. I was still very much loyal to him. Jw and I always had underlying probs tht just made everything else more confusing. But I really loved him then. I really loved truly. But the other relationship was unfortunate timing.

Realise it's all abt time and heart and all tht. well. I have to bear the lose now. I hope ure doing fine jw. One day, u'll talk to me. i love u.

To the other person, I wana say I finally understand why ure so angry. U gave me a chance and i blew it, coz i cudnt give up on who i had already and the internal reasons between us u knew. u were already so understanding back then. What more cud i do..u chose to move on too.

JW, I hope u find soemone better and someone ure really looking for. The hurt was just too much. pls dont expect me to forgive u or smile at u so easily again..coz ive lost my trust in u...but thank u.

I feel better now. Im starting to have a proper closure for myself. Maybe thts why these days im not just HAPPY OR SAD. for a month, i cud never be happy... i was normally sad..and made worse with the job and songs.. these days i can be happy again and in a day i can feel happier than sadder. I can feel things are chanigng now. Im uncertain im afraid.. but slowly.

U never NEVER know what will happen tmr. things cud change 360 degrees. Ive seen and experienced it happen so I completely believe what i just said. One day ure with sonmeone, next day u lose the whole world. One day u have a good friend, the next day he or she is gone. I dont know what has happened between me and charles now. Nothing at all, but i sense smth isnt right. my sixth sense has never once been wrong. i dont wish to see a recurrence episode number six or smth. if im gonna lose someone impt, Lord, let me lose him with no pain. co Ive hjad enuff of losing people..esp guy friends.

OK! tmr is a vew happy day!!!! IVE GOT TWP JOB INTERVIEWS TMR!!! =) YAYYYYYYYY, and im gg giordano to pick up a tshirt!.(I have a friend working there and she gets THIRTY PERCENT DISCOUNT MAN. I already got from giordano just now! 13 bucks for a top instead of 20!) im also gonna cut my fringe and go to d optition to get smth. LONG DAY AHEAD :) a gd day off its gonna be . Im happy and excited, really. this is the beginning of a new chapter. =)

Will i be strong enuff? only time will tell.

So many songs reminded me of things today. But Im taking it well now. I try my best to. ok gtg, dsmn tired.

BACK! FROM A VERY VERY VERY SHIOK NIGHT!..and the usual boring day at work. Let's not talk abt the work part since it's ever so tear-jerkingly boring! (and it doesn't help it reminds me of him) BUT TONIGHT WAS ANOTHER GREAT GIG NIGHT!!!!!!!! Harriet, I, PAtrick, and three of Harriet's friends went to barnone for Furniture and Ugly In The Morning's gigs. WHOA.....*YUMMMMy* They were so fantastic! How could people make such good music???Recently I think U know Ive been going on and on about new music I got to know, thru work, and thru the gigsd Ive been going for. Ive been so obsessed with new indie bands, (at least they are new to me) Ive been so obsessed with new music, and Ive been so obsessed with the local music scene most recently! We've got hope! Our bands are greatttt!!!!!!!!!! We all know tht ronin, electrico and obs are household names already, but HELLO! These bands Ive heard recentl at Broadcast event and tongiht, some have been ard for a good solid number of yrs, and they ROCK BALLS better than the others, and in being honest here!. Stone revivals were great and I think I said they have a good vocalist,and bassist. The ebst I tot I had seen. WELL. He had a five string bass. I tot tht was good u noe, and it was. BUT TONIGHT! TONIGHT-Ugly's bassist, was really THE GROOVE of the band. YET he wasnt the front man. Each member had a certain "front man " status thru all ther songs and U cud really feel the groove they shared and felt. It was just totally spilling out thru their music. Bassist rocked so so good. His bass was a six string and he sang back up with the lead guit too. NOT GAY, beautiful the way it harmonised and matched with their leading man the vocalist who btw was having a GREAT time too! i was so thrilled and energised watching them, coz they were having soooo much fun! They are rock but not the noisy kind. They can be evergreen I feel even. They've got style and sensuality. Bass groove was strong and good, lead guit was electrifying, rhytm guit had so much effects it was fantastic. Drummers of both bands kicked ass. Furniture was interesting. Not only post rock, like how I said Ive been gg crazy over the new trend in music using effects, pedals, the electronica stuff, they had a keyboardist GIRL who was on CELLO AS WELL. OMFG!!! And and and!! furniture used a XYLAPHONE!!!!!!!! EHHHHHHHHHHKS! wow. The vocalist, guess wad he used to make the pa system sound kinda voice?? a mini loud hayler VWAH VWAH VWAH! I was so blown away tonight! That ten plus boring hrs of energy was allll released just shaking myself to the grrove of every single damn song!!!!!!! ^________> Coz work was agonisingly boring and more so these days. The job is boring me ..and I cant stand or rather i get reminded of him. Dont see me trying to be so happy, very little thing still reminds me of him and him too, but it's alot easier to think dwell yet control it now. Even at the gig. I told Harri at gigs, i miss him most. Coz it's terribly awkward tht he's not ard to share the gigs with me. It's like I always ask " why is he not here with me?" or " hey, he wud have liked tht bass or tht band or smth abt tht bass". But then again. it's a relieve just drinking myself loony and shaking to the groove without worrying tht he wont like it! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. : )

I had another great night with Harri, my glue, my bestest, my girl.. MY ONE. lol. *thts stef's line btw* ahahahahahahah.Harri, babe, things cud never be the same without u.

oh yah. since i ripped like 50 -60 albums from charles, i have had TOO MUCH new music to listen to now HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. So i am on a new MISSION! To listen to every album on my creative without repeating, till i finish everything! WOHOOOO! WAY TO GO MEL! =)music IS GOOD. Im not complaining. Still thirsty for more! U see i have like six albums on my gramophone staff shelf reserved for MEL hahahahahaha. gawd, this is so bad. Bad working for music eh? heh, actually u noe, i have beguin to realise tht u shud never do interests as work. the min u do tht, yr whole interest gets ruined. it becomes work. and work is NEVER fun.ahh wtheck. this is the ONLY reason i like this job. the music i get to know.

oh BTW! I was so into perishers rite at one point.. now im into john mayer.. and tpday, its death cab for cutiet, and five for fghting! yeah yeah!

harriet and i are still up at 4am hahaha. she just sent me this. damn good.

man, sorry again i dont have bootleg recordings of last nite.. haiz.. but thing is i cant upload from this comp anyway! Ahaha, oh yah, pls look at the other links section! I have new links up! And check out my friends blogs hahahaaa.. coz some of them have been putting up great stuff!

VIDEOS from gerri, hahahaa

Hey everyone!!! =) I'm UP AND KICING AT 4AM!!!! ahahahaha (ok, i'm a bit tired and the internet connection has been most screwy but still) HAHAHAHAHA. So! Anyway! I feel REJUVINATED TODAYyYyYyYyY! (Charles must be most annoyed by this)I had a realllllly good time last night! I went for the

broadcast

event last night, together with my bestest Harri, and Charles, Audrey and Abdul. We had a blast! Daniel, who plays in Documentary In Amber and Life smth smth (opps), anyways, Harri's friend was the first accoustic band up, and they were GOOOOOOOD! Recently, Ive grown to love music like this. Very obs, very Perishers, very Astreal, very DIA, very Lunrin, etc etc... gosh.. it was held at the art gallery,and I felt Harri's photos shud have been up on those walls!!! We went nearby for dinner, and Charles chose green curry. Guess wad? The green curry was AWESOME LA!He had to leave ard 8ish, which was quite wasted, and tht left four of us. I managed to get into the theatre for *free**shhh*...Wow. We had a really extremely great time. Lunarin, Stone Revivals and Astreal played till 12am : ) WOOOO
I kept smsing charles to tell him how good they were. Then I kicked myself in the butt for not recording any bootlegs! argh! I loved it there, dark, good intense gigging, and not somky! We owe it all to the good Pat, musicforgood organiser! :) Feels great to know him now, more so! Harri and I said Charles really should have been there to watch. Then I commednted too tht it felt weird without Jw ard at such a music event. He would have been awed by stone revivlal's bassist and jeanetter from astreal. Mind u, she plays bass, sings and is the frontlady! *WOW*. Linda Ong of unarin has some good stuff abt her too! But I think Stone Revivals REALLY rocked the night! Etc's man was there too, and Lerping and Akiko too! : ) Harri finally got to knoe her, I'm so happy. (Akiko is Chang Kang's gf, and Chang Kang is from type writer with Pat and Desmond from Electrico). Some good music people all there.Not forgetting Sabrina our little pretty rgs girl who got me my CHEESECAKE IN A WRAPPER THTS BTW SO DAMN GOOD!

Harri and I went back to her place and i knocked out till noon hahaha. I went to church today! : ) We sang a new song in choir today, and we did pretty well I feel. Nick's cantoring was great (godbro). Nick's organ playing was GREAT!(my bro). My sop section did well too. :P I was one happy girl in church today. I felt a peace in his house again and tht peace was so so good a feeling to have! =] I am thankful to God now for everything tht I have, rather tht don't have, and with this new energy, I am determined to be happy again! =) It is really time to move on . No matter how many memroies I carry with me. Even if i pass his previous house on the bus ten times and the memories come back, i know I have to move on. I deserve to be happy too. I have to stop listening to all the depressing sad melancholic msuic for a while, coz music has a huge effect/impact on me! So yups..those aside for a while.

Im not giving myself all the credit. I really was happy last nite coz i had Harri with me to enjoy the gigs and go home with. I had charles with us for a while, and pat to come home to today. I had church to make me happy.Tmr is back to work, and im trying hard to have tht sorta "going home to" feeling..like must look forward to it. =)

Yeap. SO IT'S a NNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW start from today, people. IT WILL ALL BE GOOD in time to come. YEA YEA. Just a new job i feel i need. cant stand being away from choir. I've learnt to treasure it alot more now tho. yea. But I wana get back properly to doing it again. I owe Sam so much. I owe God much better service. Have to make amends. Hmmms.. but I hope to remember not to be complacent when I'm granted smth better with more time to afford. Funny. Funny how people, us, get complacent when we're happy. Oh! haha I'm quite lucky today. Aunty Constance gave me some clothes hahahahahahaha : ) I'm glad I had her and jw's mum to wish mothers' day to, tho jw's mum's replies in turn made me feel rather upset. Oh well. I wonder how he is now. I wonder if he's outta confinement? Ah fuck it.

Okies, outta here. Loads of videos to show u guys and gals!

from lerping's blog:

"at times i am everybody else's
and nobody's own
chasing an endless dream
just to get back home
and they say time will tell your fate
but who's to know what's too early
and what's too late"

from sean's live journal:

The first time she died, i wasn't there. She was sweet and charming and i simply loved her with all my life. But she was killed by some fate of heaven anyway and i wasn't there to help her. Then i was brought back into the past...
and i protected her all i could. hell it was great just to be able to be there with her. But she was dying of a terminal illness..its like she was destined to die and i was destined to lose her. But fucking hell, i'll find her in heaven. In a world where nothing is ever easy, and i always seem to be in a state of melancholy especially recently, being with someone you truly are in love with just seems to be that piece of heaven. and wild horses couldn't drag me away.

i shoudl have known tht there was always something wrong.
now it's too late, for regrets, for turning back...

Radiohead -Creep (chorus)

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

Radiohead- Wish U Were Here

So, so you think you can tell heaven from hell
Blue skies from pain
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl
Year after year running over the same old ground
What have you found?
The same old fears

Wish you were here

Lifehouse- U and Me

What day is it
And in what month
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say
Just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words, you got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off you

Something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of

You and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to prove and
It's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it
And in what month
This clock never seemed so alive

really. i will never taste tht rosti again : ( Both so different, but with so much love. :(

i dreamnt of u again last night. It seems so real, i could feel myself touching u again. I was in yr arms again, u smiled back at me...u cooked my fav food, u held me like how u used to and kissed my neck. i heard u say " i love you", and i nearly cried. When was the last time U said u loved me? I remember the last few weeks before u went silent, i said i love you every day, but i never heard u say it agaim.

----------------------
When will we get to cook rosti together again? Late into the night, when people ought to be sleeping. Our time together was sweet with laughter and memorable smiles. U adored me and I adored you. It was as simple as tht. But now it's all gone.

-------------------

I remember when weiyi got together with stef, he told me " mel, now all u have are memories, and u must cherish them, coz thts all u'll ever have left". I didnt think I would need to use tht again and again.

-----------------

I feel it all in this song. And it sums up all my pain.

-Comfortable-

I just remembered that time at the market
snuck up behind me and jumped on my shopping cart
and rolled down aisle five
you looked behind you to smile back at me
crashed into a rack full of magazines
they asked us if we could leave

Can't remember what went wrong last September
though I'm sure you'd remind me if you had to

our love was comfortable and so broken in

I sleep with this new girl I'm still getting used to
my friends all approve,
say "she's gonna be good for you"
they throw me high fives
she says the Bible is all that she reads
and prefers that I not use profanity
your mouth was so dirty

life of the party and she swears that she's artsy
but you could distinguish Miles from Coltrane

our love was comfortable and so broken in
she's perfect
so flawless
or so they say, hey
say, hey

she thinks I can't see the smile that she's faking
and poses for pictures that aren't being taken
I loved you
grey sweatpants
no makeup
so perfect

our love was comfortable and so broken in
she's perfect
so flawless
I'm not impressed
I want you back

I wonder if necessary stage will have a job vacancy for me in the next two months. If i can be involved in productions tht have a gd cause, towards charities and what nots, i think it's a great feeling.

I wonder if I should try join a kindergarden again. HAHAHA.

I wonder if The hotel admin coordinator for catering and events job vacancy is still open, and whether tammy managed to get the boss. a little intimidating, but if it comes i'll try.

So many different career oaths. One is production and theatre, the other is teaching and the other is hotel coordinator. All of which I dare say I can excel in, coz i have certain qualities tht hel[p in each job sector. But where do i go?

Wokring for blujaz last nite made me feel happy, coz i was happy to serve all the customers, esp the wild ones and the nice angmohs. they are a pleasure to the customer service line. I seem bounded to interactove jobs. I work so well with the smiling and serving jobs.

I can only pray god has smth better for me, and will give it to me when I'm ready. Sales in a cd shop, only benefits me personally, with musical knowledge. I cant learn singing, or play music for others.

I realised photography will always be a hobby and not a job. ZTht im quite clear now.

Lo5rd, u noe what I need, and tht I still want to serve you. Pls when u feel im ready, give me smth I can do for life Lord. I want to excel in it, ad be happy doing it. I know u'll grant it to me when the time is right, and tht u noe i'll never be haooy till I get smth I like. U know im like tht. I cant change tht part of me.

Amen.

my emily tshirt is stained with pasta sauce, and i cant get it out. im pretty pissed off by tht.
work at blujaz was good last nite. i got tipped even, but i overworked, and fever came up again today, whcih led me to being at home and not at gramophone. ehhhhhh, not good definitely.
aya is playing again at blujaz tonight. she is a jap experimentalist keyboardsit with a synth like hiromi. she is very funky ad cute, one of a kind personality. makes it even better tht shes jap.
it was nice working in such a different environment, no doubt f&b work is always pretty much the same. But my years of experience really helped and many customers were happy with me. Thts a gd sign. But I was really tired out.
I will have to pull up my socks with immediate effect for my gramophone job,...no one tolerates too many mcs, leaves or late coming.. and somemore my bosses are actually really nice to me. : ( but i really dont mean any of these. Sorry lord, hope u give me enuff time to make aemdns, really. Just tht i keep fighting my own inner demons, my emotional side, my illnesses, and slepless nights.. and my ill discipline, all of which i need to get straight now. haiz. This is tough, really. So much to handle correctly and it's not as easy as it seems.
Hmms i have to buy more bread, biscuits snd sara lee cake again... running low on these..and believe me, my isntant noodles and soup tht jw bought me are still not touched ahah
hmms...i have kept febby and penguin away..along with my white wrist bands.. but i think i need top put aside my pink cap, and jkaybe even my black cap... and once i have another bling bag, then the bling bag will have to go too...

dont think tht i dont miss u anymore. coz i still do. and i still feel awfully weird without u ard. and i still dont understand.

dont think i'll ever stop loving u, even though ure now so unbelievably cold towards me. loving u is smth my heart has decided and i cant fight it. wherever i go, u'll still be in me... u became a part of me, and tht memory of u will alwasys stay inside.

u did so much for me no matter how..and its sad eevrything has ended this way. uve left a big "hole" in me and made me lose faith in love altogether. I'kll never be the same again.

taken using charlene's nokia cam phone...surprisingly it turned out quite nice.. and this was a rare nite where i had dinner with the choir people last sun... and i was happy.




i will always wonder whether u ever think abt me anymore.

broken. completelely broken is how I feel now, and will feel for a long while more to go.
After my last entry on tue, i finished crying over him i thought and I told myself it was time to try move on. I noe he's gone, and I'm starting to forget he's aroundf now. On wed, i got a call from a customer, just randomly asking for INXS latest single. her name, Madam Lin, whoose spent most of her life overseas and recently came back. Single andf no children. Somehow we started talking abt thing related to life, and strangely I opened up to her over the phone. I wud dare say tht God had his hand in this, for she gave me some of the best advice tht I needed so badly , esp after the previous night. It was timely, for I was starting to fall apart again. But after I spoke to her, and now I do have her contact, I managed to smile again...... but not for long. I had been planning to look for my happiness again, in someone from my past. But I needed time, to heal after my breakup. Not tht I have quite healed, but after such a long wait, and numerous times of trying to contact this person, i thought it was time to look him up again last night. I honestly do not know If i regret looking him up. I guess even thought the closure was bad, there's still a more believeable closure for me than before.
I could get nothing out of him, and I truly do regret with much pain, for not having chosen him back then. Back then when his heart was still loving towards me, and open to me. I will admit it now, because I have lost both of them, and besides my two good friends harri and charles today,who are almost really the only two left impt and dear to me, they were the two who i loved, one made a huge impact on my life and i fell for him naturally and the feelings were most mutual, ansd the other, i had a sizzling start and went thru a whirl wind of things and emotions even thought we prob were never tht compatible, but ttried so hard to make it work..and the love prob came from all tht.
Both of them have left me, at different times, for different reasons, and both have become so cold to me overnight. One I took too long to realise,tht i had lost him and now going back to him to try make amends is completely useless and unattainable anymore. Tht other, claims to love me alot and wud give up anything for me..but at d end of the day, isnt even there for me in my greatest time of need.
I look back on these two loves, and my heart is shattered. I think i really wished I knew only harri and stayed content tht way. I wud have loved to stay away from this horrible chapter of my life. It has brought me much joy and much pain. it also caused me much problem and unnecessary trouble. I cudnt cry in front of him. i brokew odwn on the way home, so humiliated, and still in disbelief.

But I promised Aileen I would work for her today, and so I was there. Tonight was the hardest $35 Ive ever earned. Even cartel wasnt this hard. But the environment and aya's playing was great. She's like Hiromi, but she said she'd kill me if i ever said tht again. Coz she's older than Hiromi. Interesting, she has a synthesizer and keyboard like Hiromi, and she's small size too, and funku and has her own sense of style. Her guitarist who plays bass very well, was awesome to watch too. gave my best tonight and it paid off. I say I did well for a frst timer there. BVetter than I had expected myself to. I was tipped too. Some of the crowd asked for charles actually : ) even yesyerday, according to Berny. Charles got into MDC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^^ YES, thank u lord!

I wonder when charles or harri will slowly disappear from mny life too... im not sayin in purpose. but he'll get busier and so will she.. and i just hope we'll still meet once in a while. I owe these two awesome friends my ever and ever. I will not forget to appreciate patrick and claire and my choir friends too, whom i see so little of. Weiyi, u noe since the time i stopped loving u, and started my relationship and then got into a tangled situation with him as well, u thought i'd be happier... but now, i look back and think maybe if i continued to love u, without expecting anything back, it wud have been better than this brokenness i feel and carry with me now. Thought im sure i wud have hated not getting anything back from u. But at least u never left my life. U were always able to care and maintain our friendship, without getting involved with me. Dont know how u did it, but thank you.

Now ive lost both of them, and part of mel, who used to be so close to me, but i hope she's ok overseas and with her dad now in a critical condition...I just ask Lord, pls tht I dont lose anyeone else. It's very scary after having lost so many things and so many people...

It's all come to a very sad enfing. Im not with either of them, ive lost thw two i love, and now, they are not even best friends anymore. But pls understand tht i may have loved or still love both, but my loyalty always stayed with my ex.

Maybe this is a classic case, of being at the rigyht place, meeting at the wrong time. And tht , changes everything. It changes our entire fate. I think ahead on yrs, and i noe tht all our paths will be different. Jw will be done with ns next march, and go into lasalle for another three yrs or so. Then he's off to japan. He, will be doenw ith his diploma next aug, and then spend another two yrs in ns, there after, gg to US for his degree...harri will be startin schl this june, simon soon too, and charles will have abt almost two yrs left of ns, there after prob heading overseas too. Wow, this is life, and the many paths we take. Wonder how else i'd get tangled with them again?

Im scared to love, im scared to be too close to anyone. Im scared of losing myself, or losing something off myself... i dont want to see the day tht i mite not be able to take care of myself anymore. I have a plan, and i really want to see it happen over the yrs. I need alot of time, alot of time to heal....and unless someone wants me back, it's only getting over it tht I must do starting now.

I should stop thining so much. Thts what tht beautiful customer who called, mdm lin, told me. and harri and nikky both said the same thing. tht its' PAST, IT'S JUST ALL PAST..now i need to move on. Thwy all say tht im still young, im still capable, im still beautiful,,i still have a future..tht i shud start building it for mysef now.

The cab driver, on the way home from work at blujaz just now, told me im very "shan liang" and have a good heart, coz i told him to take care on the rds and to be careful driving.. eh said not many young people wud say tht to a cab driver. He said I'd have a good future ahead, the way im pushing on and persevering with two jobs now.. and tht i'd find happiness. He didnt have any knowlegde of my current situttion, not like i had so much time and energy to tell him rite hahaa...but. i refused to believe.. if im so lovely.. why did they leave me then. even a bright future, hmms, yes, eevn if i work damn hard, what kinda bright future can i possibly have huh?

Only the Lord can know what's gonna happen.
Im leaving u and u for good now. I hope tht someday u and u will come round. I love u and u.

sabrina said smth so true just now: "the choices and risks you take in your own life are yours alone"... coming from a 16 yr old rgs girl. Amazing huh.

But how true... how true..

I have taken after popo and mother. they like to dwell on things.. think too much. I shud really try hard to stop doing tht. Perhaps it comes alogn with having a harder heart...being less emotional..feeling lesser. I dont know.

Anyway, my mp3 player has been playing "comfortable", which charles covered, and john mayer did a great live version to.

" Our love was confortable and, so broken in"............

it's time go to to bed. need to be back at gramophone at 11am. nite. *timecheck 5am*