All I have is myself in the end... this world isn't all about love... this world isn't all about God and his people...it's bullshit when people say tht u'll always have family around and all that... it's really stand up for yourself... andnothing else....

hts my food for thought for today....

have a rich CNY if u can..ciao

Once again, I Present to you, The Lull, newly formed in December, or rather January.
Main Vocalist/ Pianist: Charles or affectionately known as Charlie (by us).
On Saxaphone, our superb Ivan Tong.
On Bass, Jase, My dear...
Guest Vocalist : ME. Hahaha.. For reasons I cannot disclose yet.
Guest Drummer: Simon

All photos By harriet Koh (C)

The gig that our band ( The Lull ) had last saturday, was an awesome , memorable, and Edwin said Enchanting one, indeed.

It was really really great.

Photos to Oogle, now..hahahahahahahahaha *All Photos are copyright of Harriet Koh*

I feel so good, to be part of a great band. The members are all fantastic musicians, and I feel unworthy, honestly....

But I'll learn as muhc as I can from them all.

The gig last night, was superb. It was really really good.

Charles, Thanks...

Dear, Thanks....

it's frustrating when I find myself lacking the talent, to be a really good singer. Im rathe tone deaf, to my own notes...strangely..but i can hear tht other eople are tone deaf,when they sing wrongly... i can never tell when im sharp or flat.... and worse, now charles has been asking me to sing harmonies for the songs, coz thts what lisa hannigan does, but i just cant do it! I JUST CANT, no matter how many times i listen over and over again, and how many times i try to practise.. it sickens me.

Why give me a talent tht i cant use completely?? it's very different from just practising...anyone cud do tht...I LOVE singing...and it's bad enuff tht i cant play piano to save my life, not even fucking classical... which is like THE BASIC?? And don't even go into guitar... people pick it up, *click* just like tht.. ME? I dont wana be good at just choir stuff..chinese stuff..and even my chinese and eng pop aint great....

I feel lousy.....
Ive got crazily talented muso friends....but i.....i sing...averagely onli... fucking shithead of a melmel....even teaching, ANYTHING and everything abt me isnt great...just making do as life goes on....... damnit.

Charles is awesome...singing, jazz piano, guit... it's all over him, on his face, in the groove he feels, all over...
Ivan plays the sax sooo well... and
My dear...? he feels fantastic bass... me???? GAWD.
Look at claire.....shes beautiful, her voice is uniqe..she composes...she sings her own originals..she gigs with such originality....

i wana be good.... I wana be pitch perfect , for anything at all....

Or maybe it's just tht im gigging tonite, on unfamiliar "ground". It's a new genre of music im touching on.... but i dont mind?!!! coz I dont wana JUST be good in ONLI pop... aghhhh

Don't ask me about work. It's killing me slowly. I'm taking it REALLY positively already, but it's killing me. I really wana just jam and gig my life away.

NOW: GIGS coming up--> TMR! Blu Jazz (the cafe, bigger outlet) in Bugis. Tmr nite... not sure time yet..MSG ME FOR DETAILS!

*** SAT NITE!!!-MRINE COVE GIG- pls come at 830 at least, coz we think it might be an 830 or 9pm slot! I'm singing one solo, one duet, and a few harmonies...

HEHHHHHHHHHHHH okie KEWLLLLLLLLLER!

Sunday CANTORING! : ) Woopies! Can i just continue to sing my life away pls?

Lord,
Please help me.
As you know, some days,I feel ready to face the working day. But some days, i curl up in fear, not because I'm unprepared, but simply because I'm not sure how to handle tht day. Some days are rewarding, some days are simply exhausting.
I'm still not sure, if I love this job or not. I'm just doing it till i can give people a firm answer to that question. Definitely, there is a certain part of me that likes this. I seem to be pretty calm and collected,at work itself. I even can put on a crazy persona and smile. Some days, I mark with exuberance, some days the sight of the stack of books or papers, simply puts me off. Some days, I can't wait to do my lesson plans, and some days, I really don't wish to. Everyday day since I started, I worry, worry, worry, about many, many, many things. I haven't been eating very well, least to speak of sleeping well. I get the weirdest of dreams, all related to work, if not personal affairs. I have even forgotten things to do for you,Lord. Suddenly, serving you becomes a burden. That's not what I want, Lord.
Please help me Lord. I need strength, perseverance, patience, tolerance, and wisdom.
Please help me be strong, help me be brave, help me when I feelmlike it's too much.Cause somewhere in me, I feel this si fine, but also not. Help me Lord.
Amen.

Mel

Dear Mel,dear Zaza,my best friend...i'll keep these photos close to my heart. I love you.

Dear Mel,

Your farewell letter to the choir made me cry.
Im really gonna miss you.
Already we have hardly spent time together, for a really long time. I don't know if I might have initiated it, but I hope certainly not.
You've been hanging out with the group of friends of yours, and there's nothing I can do..But when I see u on sundays..I know in yr eyes, you don't mean it.

I was tearing when I read your last paragraph. I'm so proud of you, gurl, but I know these things ahev to be done. But why so soon? I was selfishly hoping you'll go to SIM instead. But I know this is what you really want. If you ever need me, to take care of clement, or yr mum, u let me know.

Mel, thanks for being my best friend all these yrs...I truly believe tht deep inside, we love each other, and it doesnt have to mean we spend alot of time together. Thts what love really is. To have known you, to have become part of your life, to have helped in your spiritual growth, im realli honoured.

I will miss you, babe, and I love you loads. Please be strong, take care while you're overseas, and call if anything at all. I know it's a month from now, but...I'm already feeling the blues...

Love, mel

Is this...for me?

Are these for...me?

At d end of the day, my decisions will God's decisions..made thr me....I believe he is always telling me what to do....

Things will never be perfect...but persevere...and u'll be fine....


melmel

and she dreams again...

It's been crazy, working as a teacher. I'm still not adjusting well. I'm still not prioritising well enough. It's so much commitment, I don't know. And I have so many people to answer to, now that every one knows I'm working as a teacher. I don't know. I like and hate it I guess. Big Sam was right. I can be capable of ALOT of things, in my hobbies, in my life, if only I focus. I looked back ay my sec schl report book, and Ms Chai and Mrs Siva said the same things. I'm really not focused in life eh.

Yet, the things I should give up, or shouldn't will both kill me. They mean too much to me, too much support already. I've become so accustomed to a certain way of life. No, I'm sure I can handle it, but I just need to be more focused, I guess. There's so much to do, so much to succeed in. It's so exciting, it scares me.

And suddenly, I'm not looking forward to the gig so much anymore. I'm not really doing anything. I dont mind being back up at all, but im not on all the songs..i know there are a few solos..but then..u know what i mean..im on a gig...im not playing an instrument..im not the main singer..im not on all the songs... mmm...

Haiz..anyways, Im on MC today, just wasnt ready to handle the class today, with my flu-y state still....okays, here comes more photos...

The weekend is here...and it'll be over before I know it. Suddenly, there's a rush to squeeze everything in one day.... there's just no more time for myself... least anyone else.... im tired, it's onli the third day of work....

i'll keep trying..gonna give myself another two months.... if this is gonna make me so unhappy, it's pointless....

alrite...don't have much more to say...realli sick....sick sick sick.... SICK.

....

I am waiting
in a silent prayer
I am frightened
by the load i bear
in a world as cold as stone
must i walk this path alone
be with me now, be with me now...

Breat of Heaven,hold me together,
be forever near me, breath of heaven...

Breath of Heaven, lighten my darkness,
Pour over me your holiness, for you are holy...

Breath of Heaven....

-I Need You-

Lord, look upon my need,
I need you, I need you.
Lord, have mercy now on me,
forgive me, O Lord forgive me....
...and I will be clean.

Oh, lord you are familiar with my ways,
there is nothing hid from you...
Oh, Lord you know thw number of my days,
I want to live my life for you...

.....a very beautiful song....the tune makes me cry....

Sound advice from the great, wonderful, lovely melmel!! : if you wana forget someone, do it or don't even TRY to attempt it. It'll be pointless if you know tht u DON'T intend to forget the person : )

One more piece of sound advice: BELIEVE, BELIEVE, BELIEVE : ) Dteams DO COME TRUE ^__^

Positiveness and a strong will, can bring one very far. I have severely underestimated it till today.

Things, can only get better.

This week has certainly been emotional.

Well, reconciliations are all done. Sorted things out. Work starts Thurs, Training starts Tue. Schl starts for all, I can finally gear up again. =p Shan't think of the bad things, for this one sec..ok, im back to the depressed mode...hahz

: )
Finally, I have an important part of my life back.

I know it will not or may not be the same again, with the same happy moments, which might be quite sad, but does it matter as much as not getting it back at all? I need to give it time. But , finally everyone, after so long, after so much, it's finally done . Be happy for me? I never thought this day would come by. I think it could have been resolved even better, with clearer understadings, but these things are like tht. You'll always look back, and say : "I should have..."

I've learnt a very bitter lesson. Some mistakes, once made, can never be reversed. They can only be salvaged, and learnt from. I'm so, so happy. For not ONE BIT of me deserved this...but the Lord finally decided to give me a day to do this very pressing thing thts been on my mind all these many many months. Maybe now, i can focus better on work. Maybe now, the emotional state of mind wont be as tainted as before, though no doubt the wound will still need healing. For those eyes told me a million things actually.

I admire you. You are a very respectable person because you stick to your dignity, even though it hurts you. The hurt, I will never be able to amend, ever, but I hope with time, we'll be buddies again, and I'll be able to make it up to you and share all the ups and downs of life with u again. I know, and share the ame fears on this matter as you do, cause we've been thru this stage before, but I hope I'll have this good friend back soon. For now, I am so contented. Thank you.

We never know what the future may hold. But till then, we can only let God's plan decide for us.
It may have seemed tht in the end, you are left with nothing much different, but if u trust yrself and i, there's still hope in this path we left to die out all this while.

My instints werent wrong at all. I knew and trusted my judgement. You're not tht cold...in fact, not at all, ure even more respectable than I first respected u. You're stronger in mind, than anyone ive known. Most of all, yr heart, loyalty, sacrifice is one of utmost admiration. The makrs u left in me, will never leave. Coz sometimes these things are decisions. And decisions dont change how we feel.

I will not rush any conversation or meet up again, for fear tht it might make u afraid. I'll give tht respect to you to decide. Whichever u choose, I'll go with it, for I know my efforts to reconcile, have definitely not gone wasted. Always here for you, as Ive always said before,

MEL

DON'T GIVE UP ON ME.
Thank you for forgiving, and not being angry anymore.
Sorry for hurting u again.

I think I still have so much to share with u like before..so muchi wana laugh with u together about...songs i wana send ya...what shall we do for yr bday coming soon? I dare not ask u tonite...for im sure there's alot going thru yr mind, likewise mine.
But I hope it meant alot to you as well. though u werent intending to talk to me again, anytime soon...
Im worried..tht the long hiatus has caused a rift..but i dont think it realli has..u start the ball rolling....we just gotta go the right way this time...

Im still, sick. Fever hasnt gone off, and Im having flu. Every few hrs, I get giddy. Sheesh.

I had onli two hrs + of sleep this morning, or last night, whichever it is, and didn't dare to head back to sleep. I experienced the most frightful nightmare Ive ever had. Hence Ive been up since 730am. Im feeling very groggy now...cant i NOT go for the meeting? haiz....

Ive made certain decisions...about stuff...and I hope it'll be for the better. But whatever ive done wrong in the past, i hope to be forgiven.

i feel better...after talking to some friends..thanks...

contradicting statements, opinions, but those who know the internal stuff better, have given me better advice...

anyways, this feverish gurl has ahd just abt enuff for the day... i think ive overstrained with a terrible nite of sleep last nite....

gd nite, dear