Friday, June 30, 2006

...in her head again.......

When parents and teenage kids fight, and both tire each other so much out and the frustration is so great, it's just not easy to communicate, it can be a real problem. And neither part is really totally at fault.

it's funny, how thru a freind and her mother's situation now, which is practicurly replica of what i went thru, I am able to see both sides of the coin. I can see everything tht her mother feels, I can see her pov of things and her opinion, and at the ame time I can see my friend's pov and opinions.. and as I spoke to both parties and was chosen by god I dare say to be mediator today, both sides listened and understood, sort of. my friend's mum's feelings of anger, bitterness, love and all I cud understand and even her pre-notions of her daughter. And when i spoke to my friend, I cud feel the anger , struggle and frustration she ahs trying to communicate with her mother as she could not see her mother's pov completely and only felt her mother was being too much. I agree with both. And it's really tough and difficult when such situations strain till this extent.

I don't wish for any teenage kid to go through what I've goen thru. ZEsp when they have not completed their studies. Don't ever destroy your own future. You will regreat not being able to study.

Parents, don't ever throw yout child out. You knwo that, that is the last thing u want to se happen, and you know tht deep down like your child, both of you love each other. Don't let the anger get the better of you.

Teens, biting your tongue can be the hardest thing to do and tolerance and pateicnce is the hardest viture.. and if u can do it, it shows a sense of maturity. i cud not do tht and i failed as a teen.

But we all know tht no one person is truely rotten. What everyone wants is the best for each other only. To my friend, yr mother still loves u and so do you.. talk to each toher.. I hope God will interceded and it will work out.

I know what it all feels like.
...in her head again.......

Yesterday's entry, disappeared into cyber internet space. So. UGH. yea. (and i wrote alot...those kinda entries are the ones u wish didnt get lost...haha) But anyway, when it disappeared, I didnt bother too much because I wrote the whole thing out, so in a way I got it outta me.

Yesterday I felt quite ok till the end of the day where things changed. Coz I had a very productive day. Woke up early and went for two interviews; of which one hired me, and I start work on Monday at Telok Kurau Studios, one lane away from where I used to stay. Role is arts administrator. I don't know how it'll work out but we'll see. hah, will be near godma's family and Charles and his cousins.

Charles wud probably scold me if I werre to write the followung paragraphs coz as I was very much on the verge of tears last night, I remembered he told me to pull myself together and not wait for people to fix me.

Well, when I feel lousy, I find that very hard to control. See, after interviews, I hung ard parkway for a while and that was fine. Went to church to practise with Nick and small jon and I was still ok. I headed to bedok for dinner and bumped into Sammie and Jared. Lately I have been feeling like I don't connect or relate to them anymore. These are the kaki from choir Ive grown up with, but I felt completely off around them. I felt it was prob because I have so much unsaid that I just kept quiet...and felt so awkward. Also quite pissed that off late, Ive been sayinb things wrongly to people. It cpmes out wrong and my whole itention gets misread. I don't know if maybe this has to do with me being troubled. I reralise I don't really tell anyone how Im feeling these days, well I don't have any one person to go to anymore. Only God...the usual people I talk to, and pour out to....I can't anymore.

During dinner, I got up and suddenly ran after this NS guy. It felt like a reflex action. I was so convinced it was JW. The way he walked was identical, completely trademark off him. the ONLy wrong thing was his bag. It wasn't his bag, but it cud've been oneof those rare occasions... so I ran... followed the guy, but I didn't stop him..I ran past and turned to see if it was him.......but of coz, it wasn't...........then as i sat back down at the table, I asked myself why I did thtat. I realised it was smth I wanted to do. I realised I want him back so much, want all this to be a bad nightmare...I realised no matter what happened, I love him too much to be completely angry. All tht is surface. And of coz it hurts. I just realised that he has deleted me off msn. I cudnt even bare to do tht. He really doesn't give a shit anymore. Everytime fromt the beginning when he said he'll try hard and not let go so easily, each break was no sweat to him.

We went to church for retreat meeting after that, the last before this weekend, and at d end, Sam belittled me. It was not his intention Im sure, but Im not surprised if he thought tht way off me, or felt Im not worth tht much uesfulness anymore. Jared asked me online later, why I let Sam do that, and I said, these days I'd rather let people say what they wana say abt me. It doesn't matter anymore. Kinda like pri schl, how I stayed strong and let bullies call me all sorts of names. One way si always to fight back, and another is to just keep quiet. And sometimes I think it's better to keep quiet....at least it will save trouble than create any. MAybe thts the mentality JW adopted long ago too.

I spoke to Jared last nite, and told him i have alot Im struggling with, but funny how I just dont wana tell them. i wud tell the younger ones...(though jared is the same age as me, he doesnt feel tht young anymore) But no, actually coz I never really told the gang so much of my personal things even thought we hang alot.. it was always stef and freda and the girls tht I spoke to...I wud tell Charles and Harri and like ya thts it...BUT ANYWAY...its hard to explain. Now, im not over him yet, yet Im like making msyelf like someone else.. im not sure if i even like.. im just crushing but this crushing is making me look forward to toking to this guy...and tht isnt very good, coz I cant.. and i dont wana come across with the wrong idea....so im stuck between the old and new...and tht kinda pain and tolerance needed..is really not funny.

I have also been struggling with eht spending urge..and now I gotta tighten my belt coz i barely have enuff for this july. I told Pat Im very sorry tht I have to borrow his spare handphone, and tht I can only pay rent end of july... feels like free loafing and i hate tht. Makes me feel worse.

I don't know if I should say this, nothing is solid at all, and I dont know if i wana, but end of the yr, I don't know if pat will let me stay on or shift, so I may either head to pasir ris... or if stef's mum finds a place for her, then we might stay together... or maybe ask lerping but i dont know la.. tht guy still cant trust one...to get things done i mean... so yea.. dont freak out la, tht im writing this para..and pls dont go think so much abt it...

jared and the gang are gg for their second holiday this yr. to puket. for him, it wud be his third. im not envious or jealous or anything. just honestly qwish i had a break. pple always flying off to hk, bangkok, aussie, and I know im like a grandma ive said this a million times on this blog.......... haahhaa... but they are gg the day after retreat! UGHH!

Enuff complaining. I have a new job, wonder what it'd be like.

I don't recognise myself anymore.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

...in her head again.......

argh so hungry so hungry!

..HMMMS lets see...tmr 10am interview, 12pm interview, meeting steffie after for lunchie, then practise with nick and jon , then retreat meeting! WOHOOOO! : )

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH

And please vote numbers 2, 5, 6, and 7 for idol thanks! HEH

aiiiiyaaaa...whhheeerrreeee arrrrree uuuu? heeeee

.....ya.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

...in her head again.......

-Naps do Wonders-and Prayers too-

*cross finger, clasp hands and pray hard* about TWO things...

(1) Stef laopo called and said her aunt might not let her go for choir retreat. LORD. Pleassseee, let her aunt give way. This retreat will do her alot of good, as all of us too.

(2) It's amazing. Today, I didn't feel bad about sleeping in, HAHA, actually coz I forced myself awake first, ate some stuff, and then checked to see if i had any e-mails calling for interviews-was quite disaapointed that there were none. And guess wad? I went to take a nice nap, but i was quite worried about the jobs, and tot maybe I should head back to gramophone at OUB branch instead. And then, I fell asleep and got two calls for intetrviews =) Both are in Katong area. HHEHEHE. Yay,wish me luck!!!!!!

Okies, toodling off, to shower... and today, I finally spoke to Shaun again. It's bveen a million yrs? Yups.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

tried to post twice but each time I wrote, it didn't come out right. So, I'll just say i sent out a few more resumes and went for an interview and deciding whether to go back for second int tmr, whether to go to the NTUC one and sign contract, whether to wait for the ones I just sent out today.

Had instant noodles for dinner. Gonna continue my work for the PPT.

Tms gg to meet Christine I think.

Spoke to Caroline from choir just now. Spoke abt alot of things... and I'll save the details.

Want to get out of this so tht my friends will not feel sad anymore.

Monday, June 26, 2006

...in her head again.......

-A Day with Joyce and Yin Ka-

After I'be been through so much, felt so much, experienced so much, nothing seems to surprise me anymore. If anything,I've grown to be so much more appreciative of people around me. I've grown to appreciate the things I have. I'm not perfect and sometimes I feel like I have no choice but to depend on others so much because of my weakness of loneliness and fragility, that I end up appearing that I take advantage of them being there for me. Sometimes I feel bad, that maybe because of my needs, I unwittingly seem like I do. Maybe, maybe not. I'm not too sure,

I'm glad though, that I made a new friend yerterday. She is Yin Ka. She is Joyce's roommate in Tasmania, and she's from Hong Kong. I've read and heard so much about her from Joycie. I felt really happy to get to know her for real yesterday. She transitted here for about two days. She arrived in SG on sat night, and left this evening at 7pm. She and Joyce will be back in Tassie in three weeks time, and I really hate saying goodbye to her for the next half a yr. I wish Joyce studied in SG. When she's back here, I realise how much i miss her being around. She brings so much love and joy into my life. Often helps me forget and smile. She always carries a smile even if she's down and out. I love her alot. But like good things, you treausre more so, when you don't always have them or it on a regular or daily basis. No, i'm not making her sound like a good bk, or toy or magazine or show or whatever.

I knew Yin ka when she followed Joyce to church yesterday. I met them again this morning and spent the afternoon together before we sent her off at the airport. I like Yin Ka. She's real and nice. We kept talking in Hon g Kong accents today. Quite funny.

Daryl joined us at the airport.

I left Daryl and Joyce and went home. As they got off the bus 24, I felt an emptiness. Once again, alone. Everyone who is back here, meliza, eld, whoever, all have their own lives and loves to pursue. So do I, you say. But I hate this continuously aching ache in me. It just won't go off. It comes back the minute i'm alone. I kept thinking about what I was gonna do when i got home. Then I remembered I had some work to do for retreat and some more applications to apply for.

Kenn intro-ed me to Jinsheng online, and Jinsheng runs a tuition agency with his friend. I'm on their list now, so see how. Thanks Kenn.

Knwoing Kenn and Fadly recently has been a blessing as well. For that, I thank you Lord.

I've been (1) eating way too much. (2) Spending way too much. (3) wanting to buy things WAYYYYYYYYY too much.
(1) I eat and after two hours im hungry again. It's been liek this recently and I'm damn scared to put on weight.
(2) Been spending too much or rather coz of no income, money's been depleting. Now I'm really holding back.
(3) What's wrong with me? Everytime I go out shopping, this URGE NEED SENSATION whatever you call it, has become so uncontrollable, the desire to buy keeps getting stronger. And it's not like specific things. I shop and see hats, cute t-shirts, skirts, betls, accesorries, u name it.. mugs, shades, bags, cute decorative stuff for like rooms.. tht sorta thing. just SLAP ME.

When i met Eld and Adnrea, they sugguested I join radio. Today, Daryl sugguested it again. I know I've always wanted to for the longest time, but I kept putting aside this thought, co to me, it's mcm related ad sound-engine related and I suck at both. it's not tht stable, and I don't know if i am even tht sort of quality. Haiz, but think i'll just check out their website. No harm rite. I missed like all of their radio courses... : ( I should have gone for.

I need income. Badly. Very badly.

Joyce and I may just head to bangkok end of the yr. Or to Hong Kong to see Yin ka. I think tht would be lovely. I need a break so badly.

Having a crush is sweet. It makes u look forward to smth. It makes u blush again for no reason, and makes u hyper for no reason. But when you know it prob will get nowhere, and tht you're just trying to distract yourself,and when you're honestly afraid to start anything actually, it hits you, that you're simply running away and trying to throw away hurt feelings in your heart. It sucks. Do I still miss tht pathetic excuse of an ex bf? Yes I do. Do I hate him? A bit. Do I love him Yes, still. Do i cry over him? Inside my heart, still. Do I blame him? I don't know anymore.

There's something about airports I hate very much now.

"Lord, can you hear me now...Or am I lost?"

Jobs are not easy to find. Finding something suitable when you're somewhat aimless, can be disstressing.

I had fever last night. Don't know if I still do. But O don't really care, except that I will sleep earlier tonight.

I miss Weiyi. Everytime I call, he ignores. Everytime I sms he ignores. it has been this way for most of the yrs ive known him. It is a huge deal when he calls me. I don't know why it must be like tht.

I miss Harri. I wonder when we'd ever see each other again.

I miss Charles. Lizzy says he's not home yet. Wonder how he s now. Hope he's good over there. Hope they got their aussie citizenship. I hope we'll get to catch up when he's back. I miss his singing alot.

I miss alot of people I guess. I'm always missing the two of them.

And now I miss you.

Before coming back, i dropped off and walked into bedok south area, to find a shop that sold newspapers. I was quite happy to get today's paper at the ECON mini mart further in. it was the second last copy---it's good to know and acknowledge that I do have depression and it hasn't completely gone off yet. I say this so openly, only because it is nothing to be ashamed off and nothing to be afraid off. It's good tht I know it, coz whenever I feel terrible, I try to srug it off now. No doubt the pain inside is terrible, but when I try to not think off it, it helps somewhat. I felt like that as I walked back to my flat today. And I will be honest and tell u the urge to go find him, to call him, to write to him is huge, but I hold back, and resist. I hope this feeling will go off one day.

Hmm, I really hope to get more gigs. It gives me a high feeling and Im really happy doing such stuff. Only thing is my band prob can only start jamming end July.. but then again, I might still have to find other musicians. Need a committed band. I waan go gigging.
...in her head again.......

Happy Feast Day to my church! =p Mass was uber long, but it was good. I felt so much joy when our combined choirs sang together. the strength was magnificant and the voices and talent put together for it was amazing. Everyone put their differences aside, and came together to make this mass work. Spectacular!

Kenn, lucky I didn't sink into post gig depression too much hahahaa. Just a bit I guess. And it wasnt really related to the gig anyway =p But yea, next day when U wake up, it feels like the great night before was a dream. An unforgettable one definitely!

Had dinner with Joyce and her hong kong friend, Yin Ka. Ahh, finally, i get to see my dearest Joycie again and meet her aussie bestie. Wonderful wonderful. It also felt great to see Joyce and Daryl pulling thru despite their problems.... thats what love really is all about isnt it?

Meliza came to church too =) What a beautioful day to have both my friends back in church, and knowing tht Eldred (whom i met up yesterday) is also back home =]

All good things come to an end. I think even relationships with friends and partners. Afraid to go into smth new, and afraid to step back into the old. I wonder whats wrong with me.. last yr i lost Mel and Rene, and then i lost JW.. and then due to circumstances i started seeing lesser of Charles and Harri and recently now i face a threat of losing my dearest godbro...and now Claire and i have fallen out. I just wana say whateevr im sorry for Claire, i am, but ive also told pat exactly how i feel on the other issue and i really am pissed abt it. But ure difficult,a nd u noe.. and i wont dare speak to u again until ure cleared.

Mel and i are talking and yakking again. Ive accepted the fact tht we're not best friends anymore but tht at least we're still gd friends.. and nothing can change history... tht goes for Harri too..shes been busy with schl, i should give her space and time rite.. after all, this is very impt to her. And since im her best friend, i must know when to let go....And as for Rene... I'll patiently wait for the day he picks up the phone to talk to me again. When tht day comes, I know my prayers have really been answered. I know godbro will talk to me again..just need to wait too...I think Claire will cool off, and one day things will be fine again. Jw....hard to say....its terribly unfortunate.

I guess im sociable but not so good at handling it.. hah... gd nite.. im feeling feverish

Sunday, June 25, 2006

...in her head again.......

Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah"


Jeff Buckley "Forget Her"



a new photo of myself, FINALLY. What has seemed like forever. I do miss those absolutely free days, when Harri wud go snapping tons and tons of pics for all of us... those days we all uploaded her pics! haha like on friendster and all.. now it's all stopped....


I hate this. I know when im wrong, and when someone makes sense. But I hate it when u try to pursue a matter tht is completely self centered, and accuse me off being too much. Esp in the music scene. I gave the due respect ans asked U and all ofthem. Musicians session for anyone at any time, even those in bands. Even Charles tot me, tht it doesnt mean ure in a band means u cant play for anyone else. Where is there such a thing as taking other peopel's musicians. U said it's not, then why keep pressing on it. Is it wrong that they are now MY FRIENDS as well? Tell me im being pompous or obnoxious. Am i? All I did was wanting to get yr band to play with me for my gig today, at the last min. And they are their own musicians. It's not like I hid it from u and didnt tell u. U werent free to gig. How nice it wud have been if u cud. I wanted your being part of this so badly. and WAIT. I didnt even ask YOUR bassist. Since u like to make it sound tht way. Whats yrs and mine? tmr my friends could ask for my entire band to play for them, i dont mind..? i'd be more than happy, as long as I know abt it. But we're not even SOLID like with chop signed and sealed tht we're a band..we're just simply in the talks. P himself is in many bands... so is ivan.. i dont see whats wrong.
And as for what i did to u, or u think i did, i already said yes i am wrong and im sorry, truly. After these months, wud i and do u think i wud want to suddenly change towards u? Im NOT tht sort of person. Im yr friend. and you're one i hold dearly, like the rest. Why wud i bother to even talk to u tonite if i was taking advantage of u and so on and so forth? but if i appeared like i was telling, it was becoz u were unconfirmed as to whether u were part.. so when i told everyone of jam times or whatever i TOLD.. haiz... dont get it.. anyway.. YOUR guys then, had a gd time tonite, and so did i. Yes, thank u tht GOD let me know them in time. Even K was surprised tht we had done so much after knwoing each other for a week only. But it was good, and definitely great friends and like u said darlings they are. Im glad GOD brought them into my life, and it cudnt have been if not for u, isnt it? coz u gave me a chance to play my songs at yr gig, and u were the one who helped start my song writing....so why shud i be angry with u. but to say such things.. is very selfish. Pls tell me ive read u wrongly on this... and its purely miscommunication.
^__________^ "POST GIG HIGH"

My first, PROPER, full set, GIG, earlier tonight went really well : ) Band was great! Members: Patrick on lead guits (SAVED me dayyyyyy alottttt even with song change), Fadlhy on rhythm guits.. cool stuff there. Kennneth! (doctor to be in 6 yrs time maybe) on BASS! wooo...(both of them claire's good friends), and OMG MY FENDI on drums! HE, to me stands side by side SIMON : ) Awesome drummers BOTH OF THEM! : ) he really helped get the band tight today during jam. Timing and all. Have ALWAYS loved him for tht. REALLY. We both didnt even realise it's been more than a yr tht we've known each other. WOW. And he gave up a DATE AND A DINNER to play for me tonight.

How else could I repay them? decided to treat them all makan!!! =) They are worth it. Truly musicians at heart.

So, once again, thanks to my band " The Lull Sensations" :P Heh, charles, in yr honour.. haha, for a really great gig, and thanks to my neighbour su-mei and her friend who came down...:P Thanks Claire, for coming too : ) BUT MOST OF ALL, ELDRED AND ANDREA... the west and north persdons respectively, OMG... thank you. Eld just came back from canada, and I've not seen him for 2 and a half yrs. OMG. I finally get to meet him again!

We did my four originals, namely: Home To You, Run Home Girl, Those Moonlit Nights, and Take Me Away. Firs two was purely accoustic, and the following two were full band. Then we did four covers,and esp due to lack of time to practise, I decided we cover Lonestar, (being the song i been giggin since i started doing features with Charles and our previous band, The Lull, heh, and also since he taught me how to sing this song well), The Blower's Daughter (which originally we wanted Alone Again, Naturally, but even pat found it far too difficult to play.. so I decided to do another Damo, in Charles name too ahaha and I loved it for the longest time, really..felt good doing the ENTIRE song this time), Cold Water (after being inspired by one of Damo's vids on u-tube), and The Long Day Is Over (what better way to end it?) Lastly,I did a solo short version of Adieu again, for Anthony, and to commemorate our end jan Marine Cove jam, ( as i did it last time too), and to end off the set. It felt very good. The crowd, however, wasn't very encouraging. Nonetheless, the band did so well for three days... wow...two days rather, and one day for pat and fendi. U call these TRUE musicians. : ) TOTALLy .

There was a girl called Andrea who plyaed half hr before us, and an hr after us. She was GOOD. Comes from US , and tonite was ger 14th or 15th gig in Singapore. She's flying back on Monday and she has her own album. WOWWWWW. Her originals are very interesting and she plays guit as well as Charles does.

She also had a percussionist with her. He lloked Asian. He had this EXTREMELY cool looking drum come percussion tht looked like any amp, in terms of shape and size and design, but it's a drum. i forgot the name but it was so fucking cool.

Overall, what else do I have to say? GOD, THANK YOU.GOD, THANK YOU.GOD, THANK YOU.GOD, THANK YOU.GOD, THANK YOU.GOD, THANK YOU.GOD, THANK YOU.GOD, THANK YOU.

Truly a blessing. I prayed abt it, and my nerves were initially there, but I gave my best and he helped me cover up lyrics I forgot and no one knew tht i sang wrong lyrics except my band members themselves! ^^ And, God gave me a last min lead guitarist and drummer. What can i say. It was an UNFORGETTABLE experience. I was very happy tonight. No doubt about it.

I wished Harri was there though.

On MORE SERIOUS note, I realised that i6s nothing wrong for me to be sociable? but my social nuances are really bad. Sometiems i sayt hings otu too fast, or word spread and spread, coz u tell others not to tell.. and it gets out of hand.. and I realised my godbrother is really angry with me now. Totally unintentional and i hate myself for having hurt my godbro... i love him, but now my enthusiasm for him has turned to smth i didnt want it to be....and now second person....I kinda or rather i did piss Claire off today. Argh... all these things we do between friends, i certainly mean no harm... I hate it tht i made her angry... and yes iam definitely at fault..coz I noe if such news spread ard, it wudnt be too good for her or him...but i actually didnt say anything to kenn abt them... it just appeared so wrong and i think she took offence from there. I dont wana lose friends just coz of my stupid mistakes. Im sorry.. : (

Okay... anyway.. I KNOW THIS GUY....and he's intelligent..olrite looking but gd enuff for me... very high achiever, but thts good. Only makes me feel terrible abt myself though. Hes got like a ten plus yr plan and i have none. But, I think i'll just stop at feeling a slight fondness for him. He's comfortable to chat with, though half the time i feel my face gg red, and his music taste is like my old days... yet he listens to today's stuff as well..and eh plays guit and bass HAHAHA. He'll never like me i noe tht, but just being his friend is nice enuff already. I hardly noe him actually, but i think its always nicer tht way. Yea, so i know a guy, and hes sweet and smart. Oh well. WHat am i.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

...in her head again.......

Went for jam today, and Im really scared. Tmr is the gig, and today's jam was shaky. Tmr I hope things will be tightened up, with Pat ard and abdul joining us. Hopefully we will shape things up and they can interchange guit/bass/drums/rhythm whichever they are more comfortable with. Kenn asked me to get jw, and i just knew i cant. But then u biteyr teeh when u know the goodbassist is there ARGH. I REALLY wanted Claire to do keys for me.. but she has birthday celebration... HAIZ.. and adora isnt free and nick isnt free... : (. Maybe Pat cud even do keys.. i dont know...we'll see how....

I have been pracsiting hard.. I think I should be ok. As LONG as I DONT forget my lyrics....!!!! :x

Went for youth gone wild and RONIN was awesome :) I felt proud of Lerping and Sean as always :P Met Desmond too, but the rest of electrico didnt come..Chang Kang was full force today HAHAHAHAHA. Daphne's band was pretty awsome too! i yeah tht gurl : )

Now at sara's place coz i promised her mum tht i wud send her back... tmr gotta wae early and go back home quickly,iron, get changed, practise and head for jam. Tomorrow nite will be a gd show =) I have quite a few peopel trning up.. wont wana disappoint! Most of all anthony who trusts me enuff to do a gig there myself... WOW.. really means smth...

I wished though tht Charles, Harri, Claire and Jw cud be there... yeah u all sure solcdme tht i mentioned his name.. but i dont know why its times like these when u want someone to be proud of u, tht they are not there to see it.. this always happens to me... weird....

spent alot of money recently.. esp with cab and jams and all tht... hopefully i can get a decent job soon... Lord, can u hear me now? Or am i lost....

Oh yeah this morning, woke up reembering my sucky dream.... jw keeeeeps on coming into my dreams.. this time it was tht i ashaving vocal training with some people in some hotel, coz the rms were super nice.. and he sat in one corner. watchingme... and where i put my bag, he put his too..tht adidas black bag.... haiz..... cant stand this... i see him where i walk, i see him when i dream... i see him in real....

thank u anthony for giving me this gig. it has kept me busy and somewhat much happier... thanks lerping for organising youth gone wild.. i totally enjoyed it.. though half the time i wasnt jumping or anything.. and STILLLLL i wondered if he was somewhere ard.. but i realised he wudnt waste his time gg for rock concerts.....

kk gtg practise.. see ya all tmr if u come!! and thx in advance!!!!! =)

NITE NITEWORLD!

Friday, June 23, 2006

...in her head again.......

Tmr is Jam session. First ever with the guys. *breathes* lORD, pls let it go well. We are gonna try acoustic first, without drums tmr, as drummer cant make it tmr. So Vox, guit, rhythm. We'll also try Vox guit, bass (and imagine drums is with us). Sat jam, i PRAY my drummer can make it for sat. We'll do Vox guit bass drums. Full band, except no rhytm. If drummer can't make it, i'd either get a replacement drummer, or go accoustic and just go gvox guit and rhythm. OMG. I havent memorised my lyrics. I havent re written them and I need to sleep NOW.

Dear Lord, i leave this sat's preparations right up to the gig and gig itself in your hands. This means ALOT to me. Thank you Lord, Amen.

I would do without a bass. But if I dont have bass, I cant have drums. So I'll see if my rhythm/bassist is better on either.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

...in her head again.......

I cooked instant noodles, with crab meat and mushrooms today :p I think that's a great achievement, considering I only had abt 5 hrs of sleep. Though it did feel great waking up much ealier, ad having more time before evening.

I will be jamming tmr afternoon at session studios from 12-2, and then on sat afternoon before the gig. I think the band should be good to go by then, and Ive got quite a number of friends coming! =)

It's nice, how these gigs are making me feel happier, and keeping me busy too. I do want to do this more often. Work wise, IRAS one I can only take the temp, and tht is only per hr pay... their other positions arent suitable coz im not qualified. I migth JUST have to take up the other one.. : ( .... Im trying to delay the signing contract latest by next thurs.. hopefully the few jobs I applied for today will get back to me! *gingers crossed, praying very hard*

Feeling lighter today, despite remembering tht I dreamnt abt him and how he and my dad got into a fight..though it was my dad's face, but it seemed tht the character he played in my dream was his dad, which is quite odd. Wasnt pretty. weird thing is, he had black painted toe nails and finger nails. EEKS.

Spoke with Daniel and he gave me a few pointers. it was good, coming from someone new. (Dan from elect)...

I hope tmr's jam goes well. Thx guys. We will do a good show on sat.

Okl gtg practise now!
...in her head again.......

Gd morning world. its Thurs and im still on the Wednesday clock. As it is, it is now 640am. I have just done up my emails to my musicians and im heading to bed. Im on a major haywire clock, and I HONESTLY wish to change tht, BUTTTTT, looks like tonite, i cudnt coz I had to get emails out by TODAY. Also applied to IRAS for work, not tht i can get it I bet. So anyway, HAPPY WORKING everybody!! mel is OFF TO SLEEP NOW.

BTW.... JOYCE AND MEL ARE COMING HOME TODAY!!! =) And if Im not wrong, ELD is already home!!! =D

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY


GD NITE. and GD MORNING.

PLSSS dont call me till 5pm. THANKS.
...in her head again.......

Not interested to say anything tonight. Quite pissed off and tired. BUTTT =) One thing though!!

I HAVE A GIG AT MARINE COVE THIS SAT 8PM. DO COME DONW AND SUPPORT ME!! =)

Marine Cove is at the ECP stage.... near macs.. YEAPPPS... will cover all my originals and four other songs! Thanks Anthony for this offer! ive got two days to jam AHHHHH!!!!

Ok thts all for today.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

...in her head again.......

Woke up feeling like a real piece of shit. Waking at this sorta time, and really having nothing to do. Nothing much. That's usually how I feel everyday when I wake up. Then I crush the pain inside... and go wash up and shower.

Then as I go online and join the already woken world, i realise I may have things to do, like write more songs, or get my stuff ready for gig. I ened to photocpy chords for Claire and get my originals typed out once and for all.

Been talking more with Aaron and Harri is right, he's a generally chill dude,nice to chat with... and so as I start talking to friends online, I realise it isn't tht bad... and then I asked Pat what I should eat for lunch and he gave a few sugguestions. So I FINALLLLLY cooked after three months of being on my own! I cooked CHEESE SAUSAGE OMELETTE! ahahahaahha * a tad too much oil lol*. It tasted good! *oo the oil*. I tried to remember what JW used to cook for me.. besides nnodles.. BUT his noodles was good ok! : ) He cooked delicious food, even sandwiches... and yea, he's been craving for peppercheesesandwich i noticed....

I made some honey and am still half way thru my drink... gg to church for novena mass later.. helping the youths to sing in the choir....

I miss HARRIET alot. I don't know what's been hapening with her or Simon these days... Charles is still in Aussie too... BUT just got to speak with him online :P That was really good : )Like he came online..and then I saw the brown coloured msn window..and the nick.. and then i yelled to myself " CHALRES!!!!!!" hahahaa.. I love familiarity and eso when it's good too. If Claire hasn't been around lately, think i would have felt worse. Then once in a while. I realise a friend or two pops up...

Since ive been jobless for two weeks, I've decided to make more effort to talk to friends I dont normally talk to online... mite as well isnt it? Since Im not such a bk person, or tv person for tht matter.. except SCRUBS!!!!

I think u all noe I'd never be the same without him...for the longest time to come...

Anyway...alot of Singaporeans in Aussie now mannn.. more and more.. i have like mel, joyce, jolene, jean and sean's family, jw's friends, charles' relatives and himself at the moment, and then my friend alos has alot of friends studying there and all... I HONESTLY SERIOUSly think singapore and aussie should just COMBINE and be one country! I think it'd be a perfect match and the economy will BLOSSOM! And then we can all be ard each other and there wont be a need for overseas travel :)

Heh, wana say thanks to those who spoke to me online today...cheered me up quite a bit.. pat la, claire la, su mei la, aaron, charles, hahaha.. so lame.. cannot be more lame... tmr i will cook mushroom cheese omelete!


I am trying so hard to cheer myself up today.. I dont know why.. but perhaps coz I wrote a song last nite abt wanting to leave this place....

Two friends just found new love... makes me look at them and wonder.....
...in her head again.......

Went out with christine chan for dinner earlier... felt quite terrible and had a splitting headahce, self induced after thinking too much abt jw...

Came home and was glad tht Claire was at my place... and she really helped cheer me up and i worked on a bit of my new song... now just left one more verse to write...

Just wana say Thanks Claire, coz before I bgot back, I was on the verge of tears already.. just so much bottled up inside....

Quite unlucky.. haven't heard from any of the admin jobs I applied for... if I don't hear by tmr.. I ned to go sign contract for the other job loh....

Monday, June 19, 2006

...in her head again.......

I think it's not very good that I've been sleeping 4,5am and waking at 4, 5pm. GOSH.

And today, I woke with an aching heart, first thought of my day always being him. More over after last night.

I just realised I've actually composed 5 songs!!! =) @ which i gigged yesterday, one being rather cheesy though it's complete, so I feel like throwing it away, and another i'm half way thru lyrics and tune... and the last which I came out with last night =)

Aww..mel..ure awesome.. WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA



Haiz.
...in her head again.......

The gig went well. Claire played and sang really nicely, and her sister Leanne, is a really beautiful young thing, with a beautiful young voice to go along with it.

I did my two songs, and got good responses from them too. For a first time guitar and singing solo effort, I felt I did well despite a bit of chords errors.

Tonight was very difficult. He was there. He came up to me to say hi. I just couldn't. He walked off, and I started crying...this was ten mins before the gig. I don't know how to act normal and like the way he did, smiling at me, saying hi. I just can't. We didnt even have a proper ending, and it's still much too painful. Days I'm alone I wish so much he's ard..but once I see him, I don't know what to do at all. I don't even know if I actually want to hear him speak to me. I do, and yet I do not.

Singing the songs I wrote to him felt good. I poured it all out, and I couldn't see anyone in front, it was pitch darkness coz of the blinding light. I just sang... and I knew he was there listening. I wondered what he thought. But Claire said after the gig he felt lighter. Normally, he has post gig feelings, like how he felt so terrible after espy gig, coz vivian didnt turn up. Lighter, meant happier? But why? Coz you think I can move on now..tht im doing SO FINE without you?

Im breaking more day by day... hardening on the outside only.

I called him. Decided to hear what he had to say. But yet he said it was too late, and tht we could talk another day. What the hell do u take me for. So why should I say anything at all ? He said "its too late and maybe another day perhaops unless u have smth to say"... Cud I? Whats was the point? Tell him I really wished we could turn back time, really hear whats the real reason for this? Tell him how pathetic I am, still thinking of him etc and tht I am so angry with him and all his finding new girls thing now and how hurt I was.. and trying to understand all tht crap. WUdnt tht be his part of talking already? So it was " ive got nothing to say..Ok..gd nite then..gd nite". Strangely, he sounded so happy.oddly, as explosive I felt, I was a lame ass to feel a bit good coz it was tht all familiar voice over the phone again. Im damn pathetic.

Theres this absolutely irritable feeling in me now. Theres this whole lot of anger I wana just YELL OUT If i cud, so I found myself strumming on my guitar like mad just now while Pat used the comp...and I came out with a rift, a chord progression but I have no lyrics for it yet. Another original perhaps..and Ive picked out a smaller number of songs I intend to do for my set end july with Claire as well. Definitely will be playing my originals then too.

Trying to remember what Charles told me to do.. to keep strong, mature, pray abt everything I do.. and to take care....Charles, the gig went well. and I think u wud have liked it if u were here with us tonite. I wonder if you'd play damo songs for me on guit for my gig? : ) Who else better to ask, eh? heh

: (

Sunday, June 18, 2006

...in her head again.......

..After a day or more of fun.. as i head back, reality seeps back in... really had alot of fun last night, though i was close to drunk already... still concious of what was happening, but after so many glasses of vodka+pepsi, vodka+ice-cream soda, vodka+cokem vodka+ice-lemon tea, I felt a high I'd never felt all the times tht i got high previously. I didn't like it actually. Very shaky, and couldn't walk properly. I knew what was being said ard me and all, but really couldnt move...so lerping told me to just lie down and not move anymore or i'd puke... Joycelyn's alchohol tolerance level is amazing.. but still lerping's was the ultimate... he was the last man standing.. hahahahaa gabriel was gone after his final three shots of pure vodka.. and joycelyn was just a bit high only....I went thru my whole laughing fit again. Quite hilarious. We started with more soft drinks.. and then when the ace of spades game started, then we really started to lose it, coz whoever got the ace had to take a shot. But all this was fun , coz we were among trust worthy friends, and lerping's parents were ard.. so all was good. However, I don't think I wana drink till i get this high again. It's quite a yucky feeling. The next day's hang over can be quite bad if you don't get enuff rest. However I did.

Lerping and I were the last to wake today. After a bath, i headed to bugis to meet Andrea. I had a good dinner and night with her. She's still so fresh looking, like 6 yrs ago when I first knew her. She looks so clean now, with her simple long hair and hairband. The girl next door look.

I think though that even though I've been feeling emotionally better, I must have been quite wrong. I'm just simply distracting myself as much as possible and having crazily late nights, which I know I have to correct. Coz I'm back to my "buying nonsense" and I bought a whole lot of accessories again. I got carried away while just wanting to get Tammy a bday gift. But the pushcart stall I was at today, had extremely unique, gorgeous stuff. Tammy and Lisa's sorta stuff. Very very pretty. I resisted the expensive stuff but something tells me I'm gonna head back there to buy more. Afew stalls down, there was this stall selling lovely clocks, leather handphone straps, shimery ones and also, portable small radios. I'm considering one of them... need one...

I was quite happy, but I could tell I was feeling insecure and inferior abt myself again. Coz as I made my way back, I kept staring at other girls and how they looked better than me, had prettier clothes and accessories. I realised that my depression was creeping in again. And just as I was listening to a Ray Lamontagne song, tears started streaming down. I was alone again, at the bottom of my block, and though sleepy, I felt so in need of someone's company, andnot just anyone's but his. I've been fighting this thought for so long...and it's really painful. After crying,I felt better though.

Made my way upstaris, and got down to practising for tmr. Pat came back and initially there was this major uneasiness and awkwardness in me. After tht misunderstanding, I was wondering how I was gonna laugh it all off again and pretend it all didn't happen. So I chose the best thing, and it was true anyway. I really couldn't tune my guit.. so I got him to tune it for me. And tht uneasiness all disappeared. I feel very bad.

Today, is the 17th of June 2006. We would have beene exactly one and a half yrs together today. but we were two months short. I regurgitated one+ yr of history to andrea earlier tonight. And YET even after having doen that, deep down I still love him. Tell me how unfortunate that is.

It hurts still so badly.

On the brighter side of things, Charles went back to Aussie last night. Well. I'm happy for him. Cannot be selfish right. hahaha. Hope when he gets back, we will be able to meet up again... it's been a while. He was very thoughtful last night though...and his gesture to msg me was indeed very touching. I was honestly moved that he bothered. I hope he has a great time there, eso with his family.

I have been listening quite intently to rachael yamagata and ray lamontagne these two days... Charles shud cover Ray actually...folky stuff too... then it wud be a damien rice meets jeff buckley meets ray lamontagne AHA.

So we both write abt charles i just noticed... hmms...and hes happily getting to know another gurl now... see? so much for not wanting to... absolute bullshit. : (

Saturday, June 17, 2006

...in her head again.......

Tonite is being spent just drinking at lerping's place with two of his younger friends... was at arab street before that and found out that i is just a street away from blujaz cafe... saw ernesto and his bassist playing there.... blujaz was having a special birthday party dinne there....

Charles fleww off tonight.. God keep him safe pls... : )

Friday, June 16, 2006

...in her head again.......

furiously practising my songs for sunday and trying hard to get the vocals powderful with not messing up my guitar chords... bu4 jian3 dan1 worrrrrr

fingers aching aggggh

-AND the stomach growls...-
...in her head again.......

Mr Victor Wooten.

U are simply insame. LOL.

...in her head again.......

Awoken many times during my slumber, by different calls... argh don't u hate it when tht happens...!

Neways, looking forward to gg out tonite, and Im so happy I composed a new song last nite! This time all on my own!! : ) It sounds good. This would be my third, but the second one is currently on hold coz it's rather cheeeeeeeesssssyyyy! heh.

I will be guest featuring at Claire's gig this Sunday, Fort Canning park. If you have time, do come down : ) It's at 7 I think, but I'm trying to push it later if the organiser allows.

Btw, I am quite upset about smth. Harri didn't get chosen to be one of the official photographers for baybeats 2006. I'm really quite pissed off. Coz I KNOW my gurl is GOOD ENUFF to be chosen. They are so blind. I hate them. It sounds so unreasonable off me to say that, but I really felt she did. That's why I pushed her so hard for it.

I heard too, that her classmates aren't even intending to do photog in second yr. I wish i could join her in nafa now and do photog with her... to keep her company. Along gg to lasalle lets say or taking my own vocal courses.

I love her alot...and i will make sure no one hurts her... hahaha sounding like as if she cant take care of her own self esteem rite! aiya me la.. hahahaa

Anyway, I might be starting work again july..meanwhile will be doing this four day job at communique asia.. which will earn me quite a bit!

Good also, I have time to work on my gig songs and compose more stuff!!! =)

Ok thts all for now.. CIAOS PEOPLE
...in her head again.......

*points up* yea, i changed the header for my posts..got sick of the old one...

tonite, lerping becomes humble again! : ) YES! He actually said sorrys and tht last itme i was rite.. and tht he knew etc... and his head hjas never been clearer in a long time....

tht makes me so happy.

gd nite

Thursday, June 15, 2006

There always seems to be something to kep me awake every night. If it is not a movie, it is song writing, if not, a blog or blog entries, or searching online for gigs and music related materials. Tonight, I thought I'd sleep early, but again something has kept me awake. Poetry. I searched, after doing my usual blogging, emailing,chatting, for the poets tht Claire reccomended me. I chanced upon a site I'd been dying to find for so long, mentally. Somehow I never got down to finding it online. A bit like how I'm slow with everything else.

JEANETTE WINTERSON

Justicia, and everyone else who has been a fan of her writing, people i've told about her work, and kept going on and on about... here, pls, go to it, and listen to the audio extracts. I am intrigused and exhilarated to find this tonight.

Linked it is.

And she is by far my ONLY muse from authors, due to my extreme dislike for reading. Till today, she's the only author whom I admire and adore and am inspired by.

I love music, yes and I would buy as many cds as I can lay my hands on. Then I would buy as many films as I can afford, and then I would try to at least buy up Jeanette Winterson's books.

Of coz I loved reading good old Roald Dahl as a child, and the occasional good book, like Virgin Suicides, or Arthur Gold's Memoirs of a Geisha. Not many come across quite like Jeanette Winterson, whoose initials, for the longest time I noticed are J.W. How ironic. Char Shep used to love Milan Kundera, and at one point, I did too.. or maybe I still do.. but that was the past. My love and obsession for getting alot of books died down quickly. it was a passing phase. But the love for her books just doesn't.

This is by far the nicest of her pics I've found online.

Went for practise at Tam's place.. I'm quite glad that the awkwardness is not there anymore, sorta.

Also before that, Charles got home early and was good to know he could have an early night.

Harriet finally replied on msn.

I just wanted to know things were ok. Yes, of coz I am afriad always to lose important, good friends of mine... but not that I wana be sticky. I really wana make tht clear... but coz they mean alot, and it gets weird when u don't talk to them so much anymore or hang out. But I know jobs and school always take priority.

I've been thinking about the job that I might get... and I'm already abit concerned. I wonder how much I'd have to give for this job? We'll see what god has in store for me next.

Went on my own grocery shopping after Tam's place.. and I bought the 8 days that has ever still so sexy Ann Kok on the cover. Also, alot of mags have realised the potential of giving away free bags, towels, sunshades etc wth magazines. more of them now, on a weekly basis. Makes u feel so tempted. But certainly, if u're not interested in the mag, then U really do end up buying the SO CALLED FREEBIE itself. Smart marketing ploy I say. :p

I have this weird grown up feeling when i go grocery shopping. Coz these always used to be papa and mama's thing every week. But having to have my own mental list and executing the whole shopping trip makes me feel like I can handle this all on my own. Thought frankly, I tell you i hate doing this alone. I chanced upon the drinks section, and I had a flashback of one late night around 11pm, where I was one hour away from my curfew time, Jw and I were in Giant buying drinks to drink while waiting for my bus to come. I felt really sad just now. He's opnline now, and yet I noe better than to talk to him. it still hurts so badly, but more and more I'm pretending that I'm ok. I feel everyone has heard enough of my sobbing ad I have to start keeping it inside. I miss him alot. I hope he finds soemone he really would love, since I wasn't the one. I nate grocery shpping alone, like the way I hate cooking alone. Only good thing is, I can take my time and stand at a shelf for ages, just to decide whether I wana get this brand of shampoo, or the other brand of bicsuits.

I bought myself some ready food like burgers and hotdogs..got the mag, and also my shampoo. Also, finally changed my toothbrush, and got a pack of tissue and newspapers; all of which dad and mumused to buy for me. Oh well.

I was pretty happy listening to my jason mraz cd on the way back. there is an emptiness inside me tht I can't describe. It's really not the same anymore. I'm so tempted to go back and see him, But what good would that do, other than put me to more shame, just like the way his best friend did to me?





more of my corrinne may : )

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

I did the craziest thing... i slept at 7am, and woke at 5pm... HOA MY GOSH ahahahaha.... since like last fri, i been sleeping in the morning hahahaha... coz weekend with nick so we torned every nite... then sun, mon slept 3ish coz song writing... and last nite also.. hahahahahaaa
If I die, there are a few people I wish to see before that. Corrinne May, Stefanie Sun, and Lisa Hannigan.



....and all the guys I've loved....
I think it's great to have muses... whom u decently idolise, respect and look up to. I realise tht Corrinne May also has a blog, my space and forums... I haven't read thru all yet, coz I'm up at this crazy hour, looking at her gorgeous sites and registering to all her forums etc....

Ive linked them all.. here are a few of her photos I saved...




I know I'm slow. I'm slow in everything, and even in maturing. So many who are 21 are pretty matute in behaviour and person.

He was online again. The temptation is great but i know it's pointless. Just think of his nonchalance and it hurts.

I fear I'm losing my two important friends. I don't wish for this to happen. But if they have decided to leave, I can't do anything rite. I don't know why this happens again and again. No bad things were exchanged. All this in a matter of a week... why do things change?

But now I have come to accept that everyone I know leaves me, anytime they feel like it. So I have no more say in any of this. My worth isn't as great for them to want to stay anyway. Even he who loved me left me.

I opnly have myself left, and the occasional kind soul and friends who drop in to help and leave.

Another muse of mine: Corrinne May. Here's her website

To my muses Damien Rice, Lisa Hannigan, Corrinne May, JUn Ji Hyun, many other actors, actresses and vocalists, the local acts, cheers to all of you.
Today, was good.

I went to Kelly Services North branch at Interntaional Plaza, for the interview for the NTUC Income Customer Service job. I love Interntational Plaza! They have like EVERYTHING. BK, Bungawan Solo, Polar, Seven Eleven, small cafes that sell tea stuff and baos, florists, Sweet Secrets, Gramophone =X, and the list goes onnn! I bought my Jason Mraz Mr A-Z CD from my Gramophone colleague! And she still thinks Im with them, which was quite funny, keeping it from her! After that, I bought a sandwhich from 7/11 and headed to PS, where I got myself a new guitar chord book, because while composing yesterday, I didnt know some chords, so that became quite a PROBLEM... (my finger tips are aching like mad now hahah ). I checked out spotlight, coz I wanted to buy cheap cloths for my room, but I didn't find ANY :s So, after that, I bought a few b-day presents for three of my gal frens, and made my way down to esplanade to meet Claire for more song writing. ; ) --> zThis part of the night was the most enjoyable.

First, we met at the -OH-MY-SO-GORGEOUS Library@esplanade...started trying out a bit of stuff in the piano room, then had to leave because they close so damn early. Had dinner at Gelare citylink (since today is HALF-PRICE day!). Claire is SOOOO on a diet??? She had ceaser salad, coz she didnt wana gain back what she was trying to lose at gym! HAHAHA arghhh . I had oh so delicious waffles!!!! =] *yummy*. Tried to continue writing songs, but the radio was much too distracting.

This was when we started our WALK. We WALKED alot tonight, but it didn't feel unbearable at all! I loved it, for the first time ever! We walked to Blujaz from cityhall, as we badly needed to use a kayboard or piano. Guess we kept James and his colleague company. It was great to see James again. It's also good to be so familiar with them there, coz as friends, we can do whatever. HAHAH. So, we used the keyboard there, and I composed most of my second song : ). It was past 12am already. James had to go home, so we left, and walked around aimlessly till we found ourselves back at cityhall. Claire told me off a few gran pianos up in the hotel+shopping centre area. We walked all the way there, and worked on the chords for the song. it's more or less done. Now I just have to fine-tune it. WOW. My second song. Claire is amazing. She is very creative and imaginative. I came out with most of the song this time around, but she helped greatly with variation and jazz chords.

A great night indeed. Back home, a nice bath, green tea, and decorating my room listening to Jason Mraz. Now, letting the world know what happened today as usual!!!!

Ad if ure wondering what my two songs were about... u cud prob give a guess. But Claire was right. At this point, I have so much to write about, it is a good time to compose.


Below are details about the possible job I'm taking on.

The working days: 5, rotating five days like gramophone. But there are three main shifts with in between shifts. First shift starts as earkly as 7am-4pm. Next shift starts as early as 2pm-11pm. Next is the graveyars shift, 11pm-8am. Sounds crazy already. I brought up to her my church commitments. I don't wana pretend that it sin't important to me anymore. Plus I really want time for music. She said if I really wana change shifts, I can do so with the staff hired by Kelly Services, like Adora. But if she asks me to cover her, I have to as well. 7 days annual leave, only after 3 months, and 14 days medical leave only after 6 months. However, medical benefits kicks in immediately. I can go to ANY doctor even when im on an off day, and still claim back at the end of the month.First month of the job is training, which is paid. Two weeks classroom, which will be regular time 830-530 *mutter*, and then the next two weeks will be OJT. On the Job Training. First month, 1400. 400 will be held by kelly services till i complete at least three months. Second mopnth onwards, 1520, the astra 120 being shift allowance.

Now what is the job? To answer calls from NTUC income holders, on queries like their policies, which cud vary greatly. Apparently all info is on the comp, and there are really standard answers to the queries. There are different departments, and I cud even be under the department tht takes charge of the twechnology side, like msn, icq, forums etc...

I haven't exactly gotten the job yet, and I'm honestly feeling like a odd one in this field... but if i get it i'll try la.... thur another interview with the company itself, to determine....Will be at Tampines Point...hmmmmsss....

and now, Im still waiting for my blardy cheque from the ****** TNS.

K... gtg....nites....

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Tonight was awesome. Claire came over and we coked dinner together, and it was alot of fun. But what was even better, was we did song writing. And we spent a gd few hrs at it. Now I have a song to call my own that she and I co-wrote : )

Gtg sleep now. Tmr interview!! : )

Claire I owe u!

Monday, June 12, 2006

i postponed dinner with ernest to tmr. I dont feel so good. and Claire is coming over tonite instead ;) I am starting to feel lucky again, to have Claire ard for a bit. I miss Harri alot though. I think she's getting so busy with school she didn't reply sms like she usually does. Charles is also like really tired out I suspect. I miss them both alot. If u guys are reading this, buzz me ok?

I just read Joyce's bloggie. I have this weird affection for her too. Hoho. *grinz* and it's kinda really sweet to see my name in her blog every now and then. It feels precious because I know I mean alot to her. And I never cud show her how much she means to me. She's another one of those really rare great friends I have overseas most of the time. I feel like her fling when shes home hohohoho, but i think the feeling is mutual : ) (Im str8 btw). Since my laopo stef has no time for me much hahaha i cant wait for my joycie to be home! We have alot of love and hugs to share.. and alot of proper catching up to do....i got pretty worried when she was on crutches.. the poor gurl..and shes so skinny now.. i mean just go see her in her blog.. aiyooosss wo3 de4 ma1 ya4! hahahaa

Thanks Claire, Joyce, Jerm, Harri, Charles, Choir friends, Bro and oh ya..xiao wen we shud meet up soon....







Jun Ji Hyun : )
I just spoke to Claire. We were talking abt her younger sister and how her mother is angry she has a bf now, and tht wud probably mean she cant be with him anymore. As we spoke, things started to unfold, and Claire spoke like how Nick wud. And suddenly i saw where he was coming from all this while; Claire mentioned abt her sis not being able to handle her life, herself, her studies, let alone try to juggle soemone else's? That its nice shes happy for once, but tht she shudnt need someone else to be happy or independant. That she doesnt need to go thru it physically to understand it.. but yet weall know some poeple need to which is sad, like me, this hopeless case here. We spoke of parents views..and i realised i understood it all, but i contrdicted myself when I said they cant protect her forever even if she isnt ready...yet tht nite i told nick if dad and mum really felt i wasnt ready, then by throwing me out, it was just worse... i know how its better to keep the child safe than to let her get burnt otherwise...but still i insisted she shud try to learn how to deal with it.. and Claire said how her sister has to learn how to juggle her life more adequately if she wanted the relationship... Nick used to speak to me abt a "plan", and Claire did too... abt being answerable and accountable to parents even if ure not exactly doing what u say ure doing... deceitful but on another level well planned.. so tht if u wana keep a secret, u keep it well and not in halves... all this Nick told me before.. but i never accepted or listened..and i realised as I told Claire, abt how impatient, irresponsible, ill disciplined, stubborn I have always been. She told me abt her friend who has had his relationship with someone much older than himself, since he was 14. She said he got a scholarship to study, and got coaching jobs... and kept his relationship secret for many yrs..and now he's 21 like me and Claire... i dont know what to say...but at the same time as I spoke to her abt all that has happened, I asked if it was entirely my fault? I cud never speak to mum and dad abt how i felt wihtout getting ridiculed and laughed at like i was some idiot. I told her how unhappy i felt at home, tht, tht yearning for love and attention was not there.. only Nick really feels like home to me. She told me how sometimes when u love, u have to give in to a certain extent and u wud oblidge anyway becoz u love.. and maybe thts why i didnt do tht for mum and dad.. coz over the yrs, i didnt really feel such great love for them anymore... though i will admit now tht of coz i still do love them... but at the same time i told her, how i cant forgive becoz of the trauma i was put thru... i feel really inferior and shitty...
she asked me if jw ever attempted to speak to dad and mum. i said yes he alwasy offered, but i wanted to protect him becoz they were so prejudiced already becoz of my poor handling of everything and not becoz of him... but when it came down to really speaking with them, or meeting them, he really disappointed me. We both cud not stand how restrictive they were, esp when it was seeing him once a week, (tht was for me), and the curfews and all, esp when i wanted to be out for gigs.They simply made it so difficult. I guess i cud never see their pov. And today i pay my price. But beocoz it takes two hands to clap, i think they just failed in getting thru to me. They wud say i cudnt be attached till i was done with schl,. but they never really said how come becoz i cudnt handle myself, or becoz of things tht i wudnt be able to understand... from a young age i cudnt open up to them, and i think tht really was the blunt of all misunderstanding and miscommunication. I think jw wanted me at a certain point, then when all this happened, he sat down and realised he wanted his freedom, his fun, his music, and tht he cudnt take care of me, becoz his own head was so whacked. So was mine. I told Claire i felt terrible tht at this age, im still so crappy while as least for her, shes definitely seeing things like an adult. I remember how Charles used to scold me, and say tht certain things i said was bull shit, and tht the way i acted didnt potray maturity... he was right.. and i remember also feeling like the way i feel now.-like a bad rotten apple. But, then, Claire told me, we're all in this stage, just different levels...ad we still can map out what we want, and how to do it, and achieve it.. and make things rite.. but now i noe what big Sam meant.. certain mistakes are irreversible...an u'll only regret...and tht regret i hold now...and to a certain extent, it's a bit too late...

There really is a price to pay for everything.. every decision, every mistake, every choice...if anyone of u out there, are flirting ard..watch out u'll pay yr dues... if any of u, are lying to yr partner, os parents...and dont do it smartly..watch out u'll pay your dues too...

I'm really tired.
Windstruck, ladies and gentelmen, : ) As I promised... and the whole movie can be found in parts, on U-tube!

Windstruck Trailer


Windstruck Trailer 2


Windstruck MV 1


Windstruck OSTS!


Windsturck BoA Music Movie Video


Windstruck Music Video Trailer


Windstruck MV (by a fan)


Windstruck MV2 (by a fan)


WOW... a jun ji hyun GIORDANO ad with her co actor from Daisy!


oooo...i found another nioce sassy girl video!


and another!


heh, one more! I have always loved this song...



Nowadays I find myself uptight and edgy..and self concious.....and only on sundays with my choir friends can i relax again...
Back from another great church day, a good dinner with choir friends, and a much needed weekend with nick.

Church was good today, though I felt I really strained my voice. Pizza was simply fantabulous at Sam's with some of the choir gang after that.

I felt happy today, and a talk with Char did help a bit somewhat. I also tried to recall conversations with Charles, the ones where he said I was doing well and that I shouldn't disappoint him or myself or others around me. I don't know , maybe this is called psychoing myself. But until I believe in myself, I know all these will only be temporary motivation. I don't believe in myself anymore, I think. But I know the only way to start earning money effectively and sufficiently in order to take care of my needs, and be stable, which will in turn let me be happy to a certain extent, is to start feeling good abt myself again. Coz what Char said to me today is quite true.. all this low self esteem,negativeness and all are taking its toll on my work preformance, on my confidence level...on everything.. and this in turns affect me.. another vicious cycle im gg thru. The first I used to have and prob still have is my sleeping habit.. tht in turn affects my health...

Yet it's so hard, i realised today, to explain to someone who doesn't know ( which was Char) everything tht has happened, how sleeplessness makes me feel worse... how all the emotional shite has dragged me down...how the people ard me, though not the solution, like Charles said to me once, helps me so much in my determination to pull myself thur this tough time. Charles said to em once tht they can only help, but no one can help if I dont wana move on myself, and likewise what Char said today..tht I myself need to start feeling good abt myself again, onky then can I start picking up again and protraying confidence which helps greatly, and is half the battle won (positiveness).

I guess I know all this, I just can't find the positiveness anymore. I told her the first two odd weeks or so, I was so determinded. Then I realised that was when jw and I were still on and off. Waking for work, and a sunday haveing to go to work, felt like smth I had to do, to get thru, and knwoing tht even if I dont have anyone at d end of the day, I had him. He, now looking back, really played such a great importance to me. The min he walked out, I dropped, and dragged till today. Then one after the other more things happened. But Char said to me today, that that is life. I cannot look back now, but can only look forward, and I have to love myself more, in order to make things work for myself.

I told her I wana buy a place of my own someday, furnish and make it homey, cosy. I plan to get my own laptop by this yr, change my phone, have enuff on my table, and snack still, shop still, and take a holiday. All this will not be possible till I have a job to master I know.

She said to me, think of what ure good at, something ure proud off. Smth u know is good abt yrself. I just cudnt think off much. He never told me much either.

The doctor in my choir today, told me " it sounds like depression", after I explained things to him, and how Ive been crying at the simplest reminder, even a song.

But I must say, that the weekend with Nick really got me back on track. Yes, it was painful somewhat, but mostly really enjoyable and definitely a memory I will take with me till d end of my days. Thank you kor. I really have a splendid brother. So proud of you, and love you very much.
I enjoyed last night the most!! (despite my terribly runny chocked nose and throat and feeling very very sickish) We watched WINDSTRUCK, the third movie I know off tht Jun Ji Hyunn did. : ) She id MY MUSEEEEEEE. She is SOOO PRETTY. So fantastic an actress. She always end s up in SUPER tragic roles, but really good ones. She's the same actress for my sassy girl, il mare, and daisy. U bet I will have her pictures up soon. : )

Yea..so that sums up my weekend. Of coz looming over me is still my joblessness.

Oh well.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Maybe... its time to withdraw...and see what everyone else wants off me...

all this may have been for some some good reasons tht i may not know off... and on his part.. maybe also... leaving cant be tht easy...

Saturday, June 10, 2006

I lost. my. previous. entry.

=x

Anwyays. I was saying... this weekend is a weekend of conflicting feelings.

My parents are overseas, and I'm back at my original home. I'm happy to spend a weekend with Nick again, and he is happy too. But It has been a bit more complicated for me. I was back in my room, that didn't look like my room anymore. Everything was covered up again, like the last time, and like as if I've died or smth. I packed more stuff and brought over to my present place this afternoon before heading to church, and I was crying as flashbacks of that nite and the morning after came back. They were definitely not very plesant, and I think that is the main reason I can't forgive, coz of the trauma I went through. Dad wasn't dad anymore. I recalled that conversation on the phone too, and all the thoughts, all the bottled up feelings abt home, and how I've been trying to cope and struggle came back and overwhelmed me.

Here I was, back in my own room, where I didn't want all this to happen. But yes, now Im free to do what i want, when I want to, and it's been a rocky struggle to cope. It's never the same, not having Nick ard me. All my usual habits, all the things I cud do with my eyes closed, are still there, like reflexed actions.

I wished, somehow that if we had left things the way it was, even though the relationships at home weren't great, that things wud have worked out somehow. At least we wud still be under the same roof. But the fighting and squabbling and constant bickering, as Nick put it, between us never ended. Both sides just didnt wana budge. It was as if that was our entertainment or smth. If we didnt fight it wasnt rite. : (

I just wana stay with Nick. Like now, back here this weekend, here for each other. I noe that it is a terribly selfish thought.

As we talked last night, Nick said to me that in everything, every choice, every move in anyone's life, there is a price to pay. We just pay in different ways. And that we shud never compare, coz the person who may seem happy, pays his price too, just tht we don't know what that may be. I will have to wait YEARS before i can stay with Nick again. By that time, Nick might be married and have his own family. I doubt I would. I kept asking Nick if I cant\ stay with him..but then again, wudn't taht eb imposing?

I was telling him how I wished I was like big sam. Lots of money on hand NOW, buy myself a nice small place to call my own, and furnish and make it cosy, somewhere I can make my home, proper. But I'm much too young for that now. So I have to be constantly on the move, and I'm trying my best not to give up. I thought to myself, If I ever had my own place, I'd have an extra room, for nick, for Harriet, for him too. But I wanted to share my place with him. How idealistic.I fear being alone, now more than ever. Will I ever find somebody again? I know that right now, the time isn't right and God won't bring him anywhere near my sight. I can feel it, that God is telling me it won't happen now. But I can't even move from U.

Charles once said I mite end up like his aunt, and I honestly don't want tht. I look at Big Sam and Judy now, staying on their own, buying their own places..and I don't knwo what to feel. It's not exactly the best feeling around.

I spent yesterday, today and gonna spend tmr with Nick. A great distraction I think. But at the back of my head, I still think of him. I know that on a weekend, He'd be out, probably jamming, or gigging somewhere. He'd prob meet her, or her, or her... and imaginging how it'd be like to kiss one of them. What can I say. My weekends will never be the same again. two of my friends asked me abt Him today. One asked how he was, and the other asked if I am attached. So to the first, I said we were over, and that I'm still hurting. To the other, I said, I was.. but no longer. He asked me if I loved him. I said yes I did, and still do. But the question now was whether He really did.

I can't help but wonder how your weekend has been....


But sometimes my mind shifts to him, and I keep blaming myself, for not having made that decision alot earlier. Now it's all too late, and I've lost both, and both have lost me. And int urn, lost themselves to each other. I'm sorry if I was the cause.

I remember I intentionally match-made Weiyi and Stef. Now I look at them, and find that I had backfired the joke on myself. No. frist let me establish that I'm happy for them and that they are great together, but it has backfired on me, like as if I was meant to be attached when I match made them so that it would happen, and then now that they have been gg out for abt a yr, I have lost my love. What can I say.

I am low on cash. I only have enuff for this month. I haven't found a job yet. Oh craps.

On the brighter side, there IS ONE thing that I'm looking forward to, and that is my choir retreat coming up 1st/2nd july : ) Nick and I and small jon are doing the p& w session and I've roughly got thr song list worked out :P Just got a bit more planning to do.

Also, looking forward to my gig, which is taking much slower progress, coz i havent narrowed down my list of songs yet BUTTTTT I do have all the lyrics to the songs now. I just neeed to decide which are the best and most impressive/ sothing/ varied, and put them together for a nice sofa session at ear shot. This will take place 29th July .

Ok, gtg...cook dinner with Nick....

Friday, June 09, 2006

How could u have........












I can't deny I still miss you so much.

for all the bad things that have happened,
for all the good that did,



for all that I have left now making me so empty,
i wish u'd fill my void again.




i stare at yr picture, and realised how far apart we are now.



how uve completely left me, so broken.


in me, still a fueling anger
in me, a soul so shattered
in me, a yearning to go back to the gd times again,
in me, a longing to leave this place.





I'll never be the same again.
hey Pat,

thanks again for supper tonight.

mel

Thursday, June 08, 2006

i keep gg there to look. i dont know why. i dont know what for.

purposely hurt myself more.

im just not happy anymore.
Actually

I don't have much to say.

Today was sleep and church. That's all.

Feel weird.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Someone KILL ME. Why didn't I catch Jason Mraz LIVE????!!! argggggggh

Jason Mraz "The Remedy" LIVE


I got this link off the ESPLANADE YOUTH website...go check it out. The girl who runs the site is pretty cool and huh pretty too.. : )

On other things, sometimes it's better not to write out the madness that is twirling in my head these days...I don't know how really to go about things. Ive been thinking very very hard, and what I need clashes so badly with what I'm good at..in terms of jobs...and today was bad man... but I hadled it well....

yea, i should take a few days to think things out...

Im afraid to know new people..im afriad to open up anymore...

I feel tht ive lost my light.. ive forgottenwhat care free- feelings are like.. Ive forgottenwhat it really is to be happy...

But lisa and andrea said to me today tht i'll never lose my light... i dont know...

some things andrea said to me today:
andrea says:
Oh dear Mel... Don't ever put yourself down... You really don't need that. If you don't feel comfortable with the friends you, then it's okay to step away for a bit. Never give what you can't afford. And I feel that you can't afford trust. So don't do things that will backfire on yourself.
andrea says:
Mel, you'll never lose that light. My ex saw that in you and for someone like him to say that is a big deal. He doesn't feel comfortable with a lot of people, but he was with you. Now I'm not saying that because I expect you to be bright and chirpy all the time.. because it really doens't happen.
andrea says:
But believe that you are someone... made perfect because of Jesus... don't let anything else tell you anything otherwise... you don't need it. You are perfect... even when you're down and out... it's okay... Jesus knows.

her ex is usually very uncomfy with people, but apparently he felt i was real..haha i dont know this is what he said:

andrea says:
He says you are very real. Very warm. Like don't have to look out for undertones and bitchiness.


yea.. i think andrea and gerry feel the same abt me.. maybe coz they feel all da-jie or smth... ..funny how these da-jies drop in for a bit, and i never ever go out with them for real... weird.....
Dinner, and a gig at Acid Bar

Thank you Claire, for a nice evening out. It was not only nice seeing u again after so long, it was definitely good company.

Thank you.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

BayBeats site calling photographers ,

BayBeats Artists Schedules by day ,

BayBeats Full Schedule, aka what u REALLY WANA KNOW,

Furniture is playing on one of the days!! yesssssss!

and i have also linked audio audio-reload

Should check out their site with the listing of all their jamming studios. It has Gas Haus on it too, and the place looks nice. I wana check it out one day. They have open mic too. and Studio Phile(Session) has an interesting avenue for jamming; using headphones, insead of the usual stuff. Prob u guys will be interested.

I have also linked Jazz@Southbridge

Yea for the rest , just scroll to my other links should u need anything else.
I awake to the same shock.

Aileen offered me part time mon-sats 7pm-2.30am, on perm basis i think but.. i really cant take this up...

i think everyone is just as shocked as i am. i have nothing to say k. really.
SHOCK-

Always expect smth worse to happen to you, coz it really can happen.

I just got fired, after 5 days of work.

All this really isn't getting any funnier.

How am I? Please I think it's obvious.

I have NEVER been fired before.

Monday, June 05, 2006

A gd day at church, despite my (personally i feel) horrendous cantoring). I had a gd dinner with lisa, sammie, nick and nick, jared, charlene, small jon and tammy. It was good hanging out with them after church again. We had drinks after at macs.. haaha "shen qian" heh. Then we did our usual two cabs home. Only we do tht man heheheh. Im gonna stay over with kor next weekend!!! yay!!!! : )

Im cantoring for the wedding mass this sat...let's hope i dont ruin it ok? hHAH

Back to work.. I hope things go well ... wed have retreat meeting at tam's again...thus fr luke's farewell dinner at church...tues mite meet claire... wonder what i'd be doing rest of the week.

I got home and started singing songs.. some of the stuff I want to work on for my gig. Im so happy. My voice is back. My drive to sing is back. It feels like a piece of me has found its way back somehow. I hope it stays, and work wont take it away from me again.

I was alright most of the day, but during choir, some of the songs we sang got me a bit sniffy again. Memories of his smile, his laughter, me gg over to his place, him asking me what i wanted to eat, me tickling him and his reactions, his funny dancing, suddenly came back to me in all of a min. It was quite a painful happy sad feeling.Ok, mostly piercing. I realised I can no longer really remember what it feels like standing sitting lying next to him..i can no longer really remember how it felt holding his hand... its been a bit too long since ive really met him. Yet it still hurts the same as the day he told he he didnt want me anymore(or rather i had to firgure it out myself). I wondered where all tht love went to.
I miss him, and im not pining or anything. Its just hard, to stop loving someone when u truly did love tht someone.

It pisses me off, tht here i am, hurting, and there he is, getting to know new girls, having feelings for tht bitch, and like as if it was all planned. I can't tand tht he seems to feel zilch at all, and tht it very hurting. It pisses me off tht he says he doesnt want another relationship, tht he wants to work on his music, tht he has o time for this sorta thing, tht he will resist anymore of these temptations for girls, and on the other hand says stuff like he wonders what it feels like to turn his hand thur her hair the way he said abt be one and a half yrs ago. fuck. he msg me tonite. I dont know whether to be happy, angry, confused, amused, annoyed, bewildered, or wad. But why the fuck do u think i wana noe all tht shit??? Im not interested, sorry. Stop acting like u appreciate me returning yr stuff. I dont give a fuck abt tht. And i wasnt at cityhall on friday. stop pretending to make conversation.

I dont know. I wasnt this angry just now. But u write the most hurtful things. When my anger has gone, and onky hurt is left, u fuel it again. Tehn i cant help but think back on all the things tht showed tht u never really loved me.

Im just so upset.

Was at cartel for dinner, and as I promised, chatted with pat a bit. I think he was happy tht i kept my promise. It was good to see him again and some of the staff, thoguth the few bithces were there too. Yea. ok, thts abt all.

I think Im liks jus (justicia). Everytime i find myself in siglap again and alot of memories stay in siglap too. Oh well.

Moving onto a new week ahead.

I think I will see much lesser of all those jamming studios from now on. I think I will be at penin alot lesser from now on. I think also tht stopping gramophone was definitely the right thing to do. I feel much happier doing smth not related to memories of him and smth regular which gives me back my nites and weekends.

I really need a holiday. if only i could afford one. Char has been to thailand this yr, jus to hong kong, soon the gang is gg to puket, harri went to malacca so many tiems last yr and bangkok too, i have friends in aussie studying or holidaying. Im STILL STUCK HERE. I really want a gd holiday. Auisse is a nono now.

Nite.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

church day! haha, cantoring today : )

Ya, thts all I HAVE TO SAY....and wait two more things :

Now all i dream about is freaking WORK??!?!!! arrggggggggh!

damn , man.

and the next thing: HELLO, I WAS LIKE ALWAYS THERE for u to sing and do vocals for... wtf was wrong with u
Not gonna say much tonight. Theres nothing much to say.
Just very tired and stressed from work.
Life isnt so happening now anyway...spent my fri nite at work, and luckily i didnt go to espy for the gig. Wanted to have rest in d evening but i had to stay at work the whole nite coz i was so lost with work and i still am.
Well, i hope for work to become more manageable, but the load is quite crazy.
Mm, havent gotten down to jamming with claire yet. I havent even decided which songs from the songlist i did up. Im not so lucky to have as much time as some others for now. Been busy organisning and preparing for church retreat too.
Yea..really nothing much to say. Cantoring tmr. Big day in church tmr, bishop coming fown and all.
k, thts all.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Jason Mraz -Geek In The Pink


RENT- 525,600 Mins


Arrested Developement

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Thurs, 1st June?? More like Fri e 13th!
[EDITED ENTRY, AND A FOLLOW UP BELOW]

Tday was quite jia lat.

Got enuff sleep, but I forgot my phone when I left the house and realised it only when I was at the bus stop. I had to go back to get it. I took a cab, and then spilled my water all over whe I got in. Wet everything. And in so many yrs, I have not felt insulted when people ask me about my condition, but this SMRT driver's question after question, probbing and nose poking, made me feel insulted, for the first time in a very very long time. I was quite irritated and insulted already, then as he stopped outside my office, he asked me if I had a BOYFRIEND. Is that any of HIS FUCKING CAB DRIVERISH ASS BUSINESS?? I mean, seriously?? F you, i just broke up. Then guss wad he says?? Ohh! Nvm, surely can find someone else nicer, etc.. THANKS ALOT, UNKLE.

Geesh man.

Work was really tough today. Im still in the office, but very stoned already. Theres so much Im still really not sure off, and or i know, but really MANG ZHANG about what and how to go abt things. AKA today beri stress. I am so scared coz tmr is Eunice's last day and i am a big mess here. and, best thing is, i already see the POLLLLEEEETTTEEKKS here. I don't like it? Yaar.

MAn, im so FARRRKING tired. Im really really tired. auuggh.

Btw, i feel like the dumbest, slowest, most unliked person ard.Worst, I feel like a failure half the time. A scardy cat, a loser....faauug.

[two hours later]

Im home. I'm feverish again, my palette is sore, and my throat is a bit spiky! ;< shiite. Still got alot of work and other things to do. But i just wana knock out and sleep leh. wah lau. I don't know how I'm gonna meet up with claire when I havent even sdtarted working on my songs leh. damnit.

I was suppose to go to harri's place, downstairs, to eat dinn and meet her..but then i remembered tht lawrence from choir works at the clinic there, so we had a gd talk again and had supper of sorts. He's really good to talk to, and has alot to share..and he really has been thru quite a bit himself. I appreciate his being around. I was lucky to get a ride home from him. Super needed it.

WORK. Why must adults work just to pay bills and support themselves or family? It's so meaningless, working. Everyday ure too tired to wana really do what u like for yrself. When will i find work tht I truly enjoy, i wana get paid to sing everyday. It's making me feel quite sick in the head, coz work work work..everyday the same thing over and over again. Please pray for me, tht I will enjoy my job more, ater I grasp everything.

Lord, only you know. Only you know.
The need for someone to be there for me seems to really be an issue for me now.On nights like these, I wish I could go home to someone I love, and loves me..someone who could put a smile to my face tonight, give me a good massage, a good hug, a good kiss, and let me fall asleep ion his warm embrace...everyone deserves love.